Daily Lists, Video Games

9 Signs You’re Playing ‘Rock Band’ Too Much

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By Rebecca Kelley

Rock Band
for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, well?rocks. You can spend countless hours mastering the guitar, bass, drums, and vocals of various rock songs. However, though it may seem hard to believe, it is possible to spend a little too much time jamming out to some hardcore tunes. Here’s a handy list to help identify signs that you may need to put down the guitar, step outside, and enjoy that vaguely familiar phenomenon known as sunshine and fresh air.

1) You get into arguments with your ?bandmates? about your ?fans?

If you?ve had a conversation like this, be concerned:

You: ?Dude, we’re not trying this song on Hard. I don’t want our band to lose any fans! It took us like three days to get 260,000!?
Chad: ?Come on, man, I can totally handle ‘Learn to Fly.’ Our fans will appreciate the effort.?
You: ?No way, man! They’ll boo us and leave, and then we’ll have to play Weezer like four times in a row to get them back.?

This dialog translates to ?Chad and I don’t have any friends, and we’re desperately clinging on to our pretend legion of adoring fans in order to feel loved and appreciated.? You aren?t. Let it go.

2) Your Rock Band parties inappropriately extend to funerals

When you hear your mother exclaim to you in exasperation, ?I don’t care how many ‘Krauts’ grandpa killed in the war, you are NOT playing Blitzkrieg Bop at his wake!?, it’s time to take a break from the game.

3) You actually think that $30 is a sweet-paying gig

Contrary to what the game portrays, successful bands don’t jet set around the world and play in sold-out arenas to hundreds of thousands of fans…and then get less than fifty bucks for their efforts.

4) You spend $2,000 on a guitar, only to glue bat crap on it

Sure, in the game you can unlock ?sweet? Fender guitars that are shaped like bats, bombs, skulls, and yes, even a goat head, but in real life that’s like wiping a Dirty Sanchez on the Mona Lisa. These guitars don’t look cool, they look retarded, and no remotely talented musician would be caught dead lugging a hunk of crap like that around.

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5) You’ve called into work sick because you spent all night trying to beat ?Enter Sandman? on hard

Granted, the McDonald’s breakfast shift probably managed without you, but still, don’t let Rock Band compromise your real life work ethic. Remember that the game only pays you in fake dollars, and that fake dollars won’t pay your rent, no matter how hard you theoretically rock.

6) Your world traveling extends only to Rock Band locales

Look dude, you can’t brag that you’ve traveled all over the world when in reality you’ve only gotten off your ass to take the occasional dump and to pour yourself some more Mountain Dew. Your ?band? has played gigs worldwide. You, on the other hand, have sat on your ass for twelve straight hours wiping boogers on your sweatpants while you pluck out diddies like ?Ballroom Blitz.?

7) You use Rock Band to defend your lack of actual singing talent

It doesn’t matter what lies Rock Band feeds you, you suck at singing. I’ll let you in on a little secret: unless you sing with a Christopher Walken-esque inflection, Rock Band will say that anyone who sings on Easy mode has ?serious skills.? You don’t even have to get the words right to score high?all you have to do is half-hum, half-sing within a few notes of the song (also called the ?Amy Winehouse? method), and you’ll get an ?Awesome!? every time.

8) You sit on the kitchen floor banging on pots and pans…and you’re 23

This is where your mother lies to her book club friends and tells them you have Asperger’s Syndrome as you’re drumming on her set of Martha Stewart collection cookware with a couple of wooden spoons.

9) You?ve spent more time playing the game than it would take to actually learn how to play the guitar

This one, sadly, requires no further explanation. Feeling ashamed yet? Good?now go purchase a recorder from the music shop and start working on ?Hot Cross Buns.? At least you’ll have something to show for it.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.