Daily Lists

The 10 Greatest Dicks in American History

0

By Mo Fathelbab

Ever meet a person who somehow fit their name, like a beach bunny named Sandy or an emcee named Mike? Cool, isn?t it? Well, here is a run down of notable guys named Dick who turned out to be the personification of their given name. Once hidden in the mists of time, we invite them to stand tall, proud…erect?knowing that their name has thrust them into the tight, wet hall of history.

10) Dick Butkus
butkus.gif
This Dick sullied his hallowed NFL career by taking the job of Director of Competition for the ill-fated XFL (what the hell is a Director of Competition anyway?). Thank goodness it only lasted one season, but this Dick?s work was enough to leave a bad taste in every football fan?s mouth.

9) Dick Van Dyke
VanDyke.jpg
This beloved TV Land fixture is on this list for his god-awful Cockney accent in Mary Poppins. It takes a real Dick to speak with a shitty Australian accent and pretend it?s British to Julie Andrews? face. Plus, his name is one of the few times ?dick? and ?dyke? ever appear in the same sentence. Neat!

8) Dick Sargent
Sargent.jpg
He took over the Darren role in Bewitched in 1969 (from another Dick ? Dick York) and confused a hell of a lot of people. Plus, he could of used his real name instead of his stage name ? Dick Cox. That puts him in an elite Dick league.

7) Dick Pole
Pole.jpg
In this former major league pitcher?s lackluster career, he had 25 wins and 37 losses, with a 5.05 ERA. And now, he?s the pitching coach for the pretty terrible Cincinnati Reds, which means he gets paid to tell current pitchers what to do. Since he?s not giving the money back anytime soon, this guy is a true Dick.

6) Bill O?Reilly
billoreilly.jpg
Okay, he?s not officially named Dick. But you know why he?s on the list.

—-

5) Dick Trickle
trickle150.jpg
This former NASCAR driver ? considered America?s ?winning-est driver?, with over a thousand wins ? had a hole drilled into his helmet and his car filled with cigarette lighters so he can smoke while racing. That?s as badass as it is monumentally stupid, making him a very special Dick.

4) Dick Jones
jones.jpg
We?re not talking about the little known actor who voiced Pinocchio in the 1940 Disney film (who?s a fantastic Dick, by the way). We?re talking about the president of Omni Consumer Products and developer of ED-209 in RoboCop. This Dick is leading the perpetual crime wave in Old Detroit of his own personal gain and there only one half-Robo/half-Cop who can stop him.

3) Dick Cheney
cheney.jpg
Being one of the most vilified Vice-Presidents in American history isn?t the only thing that this Dick shares with Aaron Burr. They both also shot dudes. But what makes Cheney a bigger Dick than most Veeps is that he got his victim to apologize for being in the way of his gun.

2) Dick Army
armyh3.jpg
This former Republican Congressman from Texas once called openly gay Democratic representative Barney Frank, ?Barney Fag? and when asked about his name, he took another unwarranted swipe at Frank?s sexual orientation: ?Yes, I am Dick Army. And if there is a real dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up.? Being an asshole to a fellow Congressman? That?s a real Dick!

1) Richard ?Tricky Dick? Nixon
NixonFarewell.jpg
This guy was such a Dick that when he lost the 1962 California gubernatorial elections, he had a hissyfit and told a bunch of reporters that they ?won?t have Nixon to kick around anymore?. And basically, ol? Dick Nixon treated the American voters like Dick Army treated Barney Frank, making him the supreme Dick in American history! Congrats, President Nixon!

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.