The 10 New Reality Shows Coming Later this Year

phills.jpgBy John Frusciante

While the writers strike has finally ended (like Jim Belushi?s career), networks have already filled their immediate schedules with reality shows faster than they fill their pockets with internet revenues. Despite most shows getting back on track before the end of the year, there are unfortunately a plethora of new, shitty reality series that will help pad out the broadcast day until decent television returns. Topless Robot offers a sneak peak at some new reality shows you?ll be seeing this summer and fall.

1. Little House in the Big House

The surviving cast members of Little House on the Prairie are forced from their beds in the night and thrown into a maximum security prison. Let?s see if those Turnbaugh twins can survive taking turns in solitary confinement. Can Jason Bateman escape being made someone?s butter churn?

2. Pros vs. Joes ? Surgeons Edition

The nation?s top surgeons take on a team of amateur surgery enthusiasts in a knock down drag out battle of tumor removal and facial reconstruction. When a six year old burn victim is brought in, can an accountant with a passion for skin grafts outperform a seasoned Chief of Surgery?

3. Ice Cream Truckers

Driving a Mac truck over ice roads is a dream job compared to serving ice cream to whiny brats carried in papooses by their Chino-clad parents drunk on boxed wine. Surviving another season proves deadly as they fend off their girlfriends? constant urgings for them to get real jobs. Follow these cone jockeys through the mean streets of suburbia as they risk disease exchanging sundae cups for snot-covered money from overweight hands.

4. Animal Farm 2008

Orwell is put to the test when a group of farm animals are placed together in a barn to see if they can foment Marxist Revolution. Every week a new host takes over after the previous week?s host commits suicide.

5. Lauren Hill is 28 and Batshit Crazy

Lauren Hill was at the top of the hip-hop world, and now she?s batshit crazy! As she goes about her day a bevy of personal assistants take down every word of her ramblings, usher her to unscheduled meetings with people she barely knows, and apologize for her random denouncing of religious establishments.

6. Let?s Make Socks!

You think your job is rough? Try working in a Philippines sock factory! A cast of attractive American twenty-somethings compete to keep their jobs where the bathrooms are always locked, the paychecks mysteriously disappear, and going home for the day is not guaranteed. They?ll need teamwork to hide code violations from random plant inspectors and to protect a worker who becomes pregnant from being forced to miscarry.

7. Celebrity Race Wars

America?s top actors, musicians and models of every race fight each other to the death over decades of repression and lack of popular representation. Former Grey’s Anatomy star Isaiah Washington hosts.

8. Could You Really Commit Suicide?

This intense show challenges suicidal contestants to see how serious they are about offing themselves. Challenges include being tied to railroad tracks with taut-but-escapable rope, being placed in a room full of nooses, and being given a job in a razor factory and then being told, mid-work day, about the sudden passing of a loved-one. The winner receives one million dollars and a lazy Susan filled with mild anti-depressants.

9. Extreme Makeover ? World Trade Center

Ty Pennington and his designers, with the help of Sears and a bottomless well of self-importance, rebuild the Twin Towers to their original glory in only one week while all the citizens of Manhattan are sent on a cruise to Bermuda. As a 200-story tall curtain is pulled away to reveal the finished towers, Pennington proves a little love cuts through six years of red tape.

10. The Real Post-Production Crew of the Real Housewives of Orange County

A crew of tireless editors, sound mixers and color correctors fight to keep their sanity as they pore over endless video footage glorifying useless cunts whose faces look like leather assholes.