11 New Words to Replace the Banned Words Of 2008

By D.C. Pierson

At the beginning of every year, Lake Superior State University issues a ?List of Words Banished from the Queen’s English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.? Why they?re in charge of cleaning up the English language, we?re not sure. We do appreciate it, though, since they do clean up some of the most obnoxious, overused words and phrases of the year. The only problem is that they don?t offer any suggestions for words to replace what they?ve so generous culled from the language; happily, TR?s got their back. Check out the list of banned words, along with our suggestions for the new words and phrases that should replace them.

Banned: ?Perfect Storm?

?Perfect storm,? used way too often to describe anything remotely coincidental, is a total misnomer. Seriously, every storm ain?t perfect. You gotta lower the expectation. Although it was never the name of a bestselling non-fiction book or subsequent George Clooney-starring film adaptation, the 2008 replacement term keeps expectations nice and low.
Replacement: Pretty Okay Monsoon

Banned: ?Webinar?

This term for a web-based seminar is about as boring as the thing it describes. If you?ll remember back to college, a seminar class is a slightly smaller lecture where you fall asleep easily as the professor drones on and there?s no real chance to ask questions, assuming you?re awake to do so. It was in the smaller recitation classes, taught by teacher?s assistants who either didn?t care or cared way to much that you really got a chance to come face-to-face with your classmates and their crazy half-baked opinions. And who has more crazy opinions than people on the Internet?
Replacement: Net-citation

Banned : “Waterboarding?

?Waterboarding? sounds a lot like a beach activity practiced by people for whom boogie boarding is too strenuous, but it?s actually a super-illegal interrogation technique. For 2008, let?s make it sound simultaneously cooler and more brutal.
Replacement: Surf-torture

Banned: Organic

The ?organic? label gets slapped on foods that are free of the really fun industrial chemicals that do things like make yogurt into Go-Gurt. It?s probably a good thing, but it gets applied to so much stuff it kinda loses its sting. The 2008 replacement reminds you of the real reason to eat organic foods: less cancer.
Replacement: Un-Cancerish

Banned: ?Wordsmith?

Writers are self-important enough without this douchey term getting applied to them. The 2008 replacement knocks them down a peg or two.
Replacement: Prose-shitter

Banned Word: ?Post-9/11?

No joke, 9/11 was awful. And part of how bad it was is thinking back on how fat and happy we were in a ?pre-9/11 world.? So instead of acting like know-it-alls in an era that we think is as bad as it?s ever gonna get, why don?t we be smart this time and call these times what they really are: the innocent golden age before the next big world-altering super-disaster?
Replacement Word: Pre-Rogue-State-Detonating-A-Suitcase-Nuke-Or-Catastrophic-War-With-China-Or-Atomic-Zombie-Apocalypse

Banned: ?Surge?

Among the many things the disastrous war in Iraq has made clear, it?s that you shouldn?t name your new strategy for curtailing insurgent activity after a short lived highly caffeinated soft drink from the late ?90s. Better to name it after an insanely caffeinated soda that, thanks to the support of O.G. dyed-in-the-wool nerds and despite an onslaught of new energy drinks, is still around after all these years.
Replacement: Jolt

Banned Word: ?Give Back?

A term thrown around by athletes, rappers, and anybody else who?s made a ton of money and lost touch with the old neighborhood to describe the act of cutting checks to buy said neighborhood a new basketball hoop. We can call this what it really is without increasing the number of syllables.
Replacement: Guilt Back

Banned: ?Blank Is The New Blank?

This way of describing a trend is bland and played-out. Our 2008 version is ballsy. If you were the new ?blank,? you?d want to be described this way.
Replacement: Blank Has Decapitated Blank And Now Reigns Over Its Kingdom On A Throne Of Blood

Banned: ?Back In The Day?

First used by rappers to describe a more innocent time in hip-hop, this term is now used by everybody to describe any time yesterday or earlier. When your grandma says ?back in the day,? she probably isn?t talking about the ?day? of hi-top fade-aways and gold ropes.
Replacement: Back When Gentlemen Rode Bicycles With One Big Wheel And The Most Popular Sport Was Chasing A Hoop With A Stick Through The Town Square

Banned: ?Random?

This word gets thrown around all the time to describe anything even remotely unexpected, but as any half-decent computer geek will tell you, generating something truly random is almost impossible. Mean girls at a club would probably be less likely to call the appearance of somebody they don?t like ?random? if in doing so they had to acknowledge the mathematic far-outness that goes into making something completely out-of-nowhere.
Replacement : x2i _ f(f(x2i-2)), a2i _ g(f(x2i-2),g(x2i-2,a2i-2)), b2i _ h(f(x2i-2),h(x2i-2,b2i-2))