Fan Fiction Friday: Luke and Leia in “You Can Take the Boy Out of the Moisture Farm…”

before_leap_luke26leia.jpgWhen scanning the Star Wars archive for today’s story, I noticed a great many requests for consensual Luke and Leia slash fiction. I found that strange. I mean, I saw at least a dozen Vader/Luke romances (some of them involving time travel); it was hard for me to imagine that those crazy kids were shying away from the topic. Then I saw this story, by author Joandoe, and realized there was plenty of Luke and Leia sex stories…but none of them were consensual.

Despite everything that came after his uncle bought the two droids, Luke was a Tatooine moisture farmer at heart. His whole personality and upbringing was steeped in the traditions of the moisture-farming colonists. The traditions of rural Tatooine ran strongly through him. The oldest custom of them all was that a brother should always be man to take his sister?s virginity, to ensure that a man of honour performed the act.

I like that”honor” is spelled with a “u” here. It really adds a touch of class. Which is good, since the story quickly goes downhill.

?Under Tatooine custom a brother is always the first man a girl knows when they are both of age. If the family is unfortunate and she has no brother, then a cousin or nearest male relative,? Luke bent forward and kissed the extremely surprised Princess on the lips. He pushed his tongue into her unresponsive mouth and slid it against her own. Leia?s face twisted in disgust and she shoved him away hard. Luke?s Jedi-trained agility prevented him falling on his backside.

Let me assure you what happens next is totally vile and terrible, and I’m going to tear out my own eyeballs and throw them down a gutter, where 1) I will never have to read such wretchedness again, and 2) where they will be far cleaner than on the story’s page. Suffice to say, Leia doesn’t go willingly, and Luke does some extremely un-Jedi-like things, including but not limited to raping the bejeezus out of Leia. You might be surprised to know things go poorly.

Leia paused, wondering if she dared take the next step. She thought about the life ahead of her, years of shame and misery. She saw only darkness and despair in her path. Was this the kind of person she worked tirelessly to free from Imperial domination? Scum like Luke Skywalker or the Hutts? No, she had nothing to live for now, not even revenge. She wanted to die.

?Your only chance, Luke, is to kill me now. To blame my murder on an imperial assassin, and to flush my corpse out an air lock or put it in an incinerator,? Leia?s voice was steady as she spoke. … The suffering galaxy could kiss her royal ass.

For added measure, Luke has sex with her corpse (See? That “u” helped out a lot) and falls asleep on it.

…it was soon noted that neither Luke nor Leia had returned from their long discussion. The multi-pronged attack on the new Death Star had to start soon, and so when neither responded to ship communications the Captain had R2D2 pick the electronic locks on the door. What they found within shocked the rebel troopers. The commanding officer didn?t even wait for Luke to wake up before drawing his blaster and shooting the last Jedi in the head.

The rebellion was crushed soon after.