Hasbro Has Accidentally Mailed Me a Package Meant for Indiana Jones (or a Real Journalist)

So take a look at what I got in the mail today.
Neat, huh? Despite the fact that opening someone else?s mail is a federal crime, I?m pretty nosey, and decided to open it anyways. What was inside, you ask?
Why, a whip, a fertility idol (needed one of those!), a notebook, and the Holy Grail! Admittedly, all those things are just printed on a piece of cardboard, but since my face didn?t melt off when I opened the box, I figure it evens out. Oh, when opened, a soundchip plays the Indiana Jones‘ theme, which is totally awesome. Even better, underneath the cardboard lay these other treasures:
? A Raiders of the Lost Ark Mr, Potato Head
? A 12-inch German Soldier (Not a Nazi, just a mean-spirited German Soldier)
? The Akator Temple Race Game
? The Indiana Jones Game of Life (Note that you can choose either the path of ?fortune or glory,? which is a pretty sweet deal considering the original Game of Life lets you choose between the path of fortune or abject poverty and half a dozen hungry peg children)
? An Electronic Sound FX Whip (Can this be used as a sex you? I?ll keep you posted!)
? A 3 3/4-inch German Soldier (For those hard to reach places that the 12-inch German Soldier can?t get to)
? An Adventure Heroes two-pack
? A Shia the Beef puzzle (100 pieces of pure dreaminess!)

Now, I?m not showing you all this to show off (hell yes I am, you goddamn plebeians) but because I think it?s interesting to see what swag companies hand out to the press to get in their good graces (Note: if you are a large media or toy companies and wish to discuss this phenomenon further, email me at toplessrobot(at) And I wanted to assure you readers that this big box of goodies will not influence me or Topless Robot?s coverage of Indiana Jones or Hasbro?s Indy toys in the tiniest agree. I hope you come back next week, when we feature long-planned-in-advance Daily Lists like:

? 18 Reasons Indiana Jones is So Awesome
? 10 Reasons Hasbro is Today?s Finest Toy Company
? 13 Reasons Everyone Should Own Three Separate Hasbro German Soldier Action Figures
? 8 Ways I?m Willing to Whore Myself Out for your Movie/Toyline/TV Series/Etc.