The 10 Least Incredible Hulk Villains Ever Smashed

hulllllk.jpgBy Teague Bohlen

Me Hulk. Currently, me green and talk like this, but Hulk remember other times when he is gray and talks like Jimmy Cagney movies, or green and smart and wearing brown pants instead of favorite purple pants. Betty once tell puny Banner she like purple pants, and Hulk remember that. Hulk like Betty. Hulk wonders if purple pants might help him get some. But Hulk always saying to leave Hulk alone, so maybe if Hulk stopped saying that, Hulk might have more company. But Hulk digress.

Hulk asked to list out ten of most stupid bad-guys, so Hulk do that. Hulk not all about smashing things, you know. Hulk smash, sure, but Hulk also hug. Hulk sometimes sing or dance in desert when no one around. Wait, Hulk not want you to print that. Might make Hulk sound as dumb as the bad guys on this list.

10. Zzzax (Incredible Hulk #166)
Hulk have no idea what Zzzax is. Zzzax not really guy at all?Zzzax lighting that became guy or something. Hulk not understand why every time energy become sentient, it always bad guy. Why lightning-become-guy not nice? Why Zzzax not hunger for rainbows instead of human brainwave? Hulk not really care, though Hulk secretly very jealous that Zzzax have one of easiest names to find in phonebook.

9. The Human Top (Tales to Astonish #59)
Hulk not know why this little man keep spinning. Little man annoying, but breeze nice. Hulk always sweaty. Hulk do wonder why little spinning man name himself after toy. Seem like bad idea. (Hulk remember hearing about Big-Wheel from Spider-guy and Kite-Man from Bat-guy he fought once, so maybe this a bad-guy thing. Hulk not know.)

8. The Glob (Incredible Hulk #121)
Yeah, this real original. Glob nothing like Blob, that fat circus guy that the X-Men fight sometime, the one always going around saying ?No one moves the Blob!? Which Hulk thinks is crap, but Hulk not want to touch flabby man to find out. Anyway, Glob is sort of like garbage-man, but not the good kind that take away trash?the bad kind made of slime from swamp. Hulk hates this. Gets fists all smelly. Then Hulk have to fight Hydro-Man to clean up. Hulk wish there was a Soap-man. Make things a lot easier.

7. Boomerang (Tales to Astonish #81)
Another little man fighting Hulk, but this one has curved sticks. He throws them at Hulk, but Hulk not know what sticks are for. Sticks return to little man when he throws them, but when Hulk throw sticks, they not come back. Hulk hear of entire village in Mongolia wiped out by single curved stick around same time, though, so maybe curved stick still out there, on way back to Hulk. Hulk happy to see stick again.

6. Captain Axis (Incredible Hulk #155)
This not sound like a Hulk bad guy. He sound more like Captain America guy. Hulk not care about geopolitics. And just because this guy is big not make him a good match for Hulk. People always making that mistake. Big guys bad enough, but little guys worse. Always trying to challenge Hulk to prove they tough. Hulk likes fighting little men, though. They fly far away when Hulk hit them, never come back.

5. Xeron the Star-Slayer (Incredible Hulk #136)
Hulk thinks Xeron just trying too hard. When Hulk hear someone calling themself ?the Star Slayer,? Hulk think ?overcompensating for shortcoming.? That a phrase puny Banner used to use when SUVs cut him off in traffic. Also, Xeron has ?special harpoons.? Hulk know a phallic symbol when Hulk see it. Hulk had long talks about phallic symbols with the Leader.

4. The Puffball Collective (Incredible Hulk #301)
Hulk not know what else to say about Puffball Collective. It called Puffball Collective. Hulk think that pretty much say it all.

3. The Ringmaster (Incredible Hulk #3)
This guy from circus. That silly enough by itself. Makes it worse that him not even a strong-man circus guy. This guy has top hat with swirlies on it. Pretty swirlies, around and around. Make Hulk do things Hulk not like to do. Hulk not want to talk about it. Man in top hat make Hulk do things Hulk not want to do. Hulk feel ashamed. Hulk not even able to play Monopoly anymore. Man in top hat ruin everything.

2. Aquon (Incredible Hulk #165)
Aquon half-fish man. That pretty funny, except that Namor also half-fish, half-man. Hulk know Namor, Aquon. Namor sometimes a friend of Hulk?s. You, Aquon, no Namor. Hulk also not like fish-man?s description: ?half-man, half-fish, and all hate!? That silly. If Aquon half fish and half man, then how he also all hate? That make two Aquons. Hulk know math. Hulk do think that ?half-man, half-fish, and all hate? would be cool accessory for Rick?s goldfish tank, though.

1. Bi-Beast (Incredible Hulk #169)
Not ask, not tell. Hulk not ask.