None of us were excited about the prospect of a 3-D Castlevania fighting game when it was announced a couple of weeks a ago, but my friends, the truth is far worse than we had even dreamed of. This game looks terrible, and I swear I’m not just whining because we all just want a 2-D Castlevania. Testify:
? It’s a full-roaming 3-D game like Power Stone, except without even slightly interesting stages. This means the fighters mostly swing wildly at the air instead of at each other.
? It looks like a PlayStation 2 launch game. Seriously.
? The only slightly interesting thing is that monsters attack during the fights, but since there’s no more than two zombies on screen and they move with the speed of an undead glacier, they don’t affect anything.
? I love anime and the all the silly outfits from Final Fantasy and even I think Simon Belmont looks fucking ridiculous.
If Konami had simply set fire to a large pile of money instead of making this, I honestly would have respected them more. Jesus.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.