American Gladiators’ Titan Is a Filthy Liar

I have no doubt that Mike O’Hearn, the American Gladiator known as Titan, could beat the living shit out of me without the tiniest bit of effort. Which is why, now that he’s publicly claimed he’s auditioned for both the role of Conan and Captain America in their respective movies (on some Nebraskan radio show, I shit you not), I will happily call him a goddamn liar from the safety of the internet.

There is no fucking way O’Hearn is getting either of those roles. Maybe he auditioned, maybe he didn’t. He sure as hell didn’t “pass” either one of them. First off, for Conan, please look at his face in the above picture (purloined from /film, like the scoop). That is not the face of a barbarian. It’s the face of a prissy nobleman from the 19th century, whose father forces his coal miners to work extra shifts, and delights in their misfortune and agony (which makes it all the more unsettling on his massive body).

As for Captain America, when Marvel created Marvel Studios, they had the brilliant idea of casting real, quality actors for their roles?Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Ed Norton as the Hulk, and Ray Stevenson as the Punisher (god only know how the movie will end up, but Ray Stevenson rules). This was a conscious effort on their part, and one that has led to a great deal of success. Now, I’m not saying Marvel can’t and won’t piss it all away at some point?nothing’s impossible?but it sure as fuck won’t be on an American fucking Gladiator, no matter how blond and buff he is.