Ladies and gentlemen, today is a milestone…and not the good kind. Because 30 years ago today, something so evil…something so unspeakably wrong was birthed into this world that the stars dimmed, the world grew colder, and the children have laughed less ever since. I speak, of course, of the Star Wars Holiday Special, the most terrible piece of entertainment ever created.
If you have any thoughts of seieng it, don’t. I know you think you know it’s bad. I know you’re prepared to laugh at the terrible special effects, at the silly story, to watch it ironically. I was like you…once. I loved bad movies, being an MST3K fan, I thought I was prepared.
Of course, nothing could have prepared me for the horror of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
It was literally so bad I blacked out; my body shut itself during the above clip, desperately trying to protect itself from the pain. I briefly woke up, only to hear Art Carney say “Ya got anymore of those…Wookiee Cookies?” And then I blacked out again.
While the above video is a nice example of the sheer awfulness of the SWHS?and incidentally, that’s Chewbacca’s son Lumpy watching it, who looks like an aroused midget were-ferret?it’s only a few minutes of the two-hour special. This includes, among other terrors:
? No dialogue other than Wookiee growls for 2/3rds of the special
? Bea Arthur singing and dancing with Ponda Baba in the cantina
? Mark Hamill fresh from his car wreck, in a wig and made up like a French whore
? Carrie Fisher, so drugged out of her gourd, she literally sways back and forth
? Chewbacca’s grandfather Itchy receiving pornography from Art Carney
? Chewbacca’s grandfather Itchy watching said pornography in it’s entirety, and enjoying it immensely
So don’t watch it. Because your life will never be the same after you watch the Star Wars Holiday Special. (Via StarWars.com)
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.