And Here He Is, Cobra Commander
No, not this kid. Topless Roboteer Paul Mattson was innocently looking through ebay, when the actual Hasbro figure (not the little Combat Heroes one) of the live-action movie Cobra Commander appeared, and now we know what he really looks like. Suffice to say, both Paul and I feel like the child above looks. Hit the jump for the big reveal.
 |
So. I’m going to try and describe this without any profanity. As per this figure, the live-action G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie version of Cobra Commander is:
- WEARING A SLEEVELESS TRENCHCOAT.
- HAS A BAZOOKA WITH FIRES A LARGE DILDO.
- HAS TUBES CONNECTING HIS HEAD AND CHEST, TO EITHER TRANSPORT CHESTJUICE TO HIS SKULL, OR SKULLJUICE TO HIS CHEST.
- AND HIS HEAD IS A GIANT CRUNCHBERRY.
I suppose we should be greatful he actually comes with some kind of snake, and not a raccoon or a pig or something. Here’s the sure-to-be-taken-down-shortly ebay auction, if you want to spend money on pure misery in plastic form. Thanks again to Paul for the tip, although he’ll never be able to unsee what he has seen.
About The Author
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.