Preferred Superpower: And the Winner Is…

Oh, you crazy, wonderful bastards. I love you all. I mentioned that you’d get extra points for using your powers in a heroic way, and most of you told me to fuck off. I’m incredibly happy to know that TR readers are most interested in 1) seeing girls naked or 2) making people shit uncontrollably at will. You are truly my people.

There are even more great entries than usual, but few easily determined clips. So I’ve decided to honor five full honorable mentions instead of the normal clip show. Make sure you read the original comments, because there’s a lot more gold than just these entries. Oh, and because this is a little long, I’ve had to put ’em after the jump.

And here they are, your honorable mentions:

? You saying the snakes aint awesome!?:

My
ideal super power would definitely be the same powers that jesus has. I
can multiply fish and bread whenever the hell i want to, i can cure
blind people, walk on water, rise from the dead, and the #1 power that
he has…turning water into wine.

There’s so much you could do with that, you could be walking on
water one minute, then walking on wine the next. You could turn an
ordinary empty bag into a space bag! And since there’s water molecules
in the air you can just make wine where ever the fuck you are.

Turning water into wine would also be extremely ideal for fighting
crime. The human body is mainly composed of water, which means anyone
that goes up against your holy ass is probably going to die a horrible
alcohol related death. Turning water into wine would just make you an
unstoppable drunken force. That is why turning water into wine would be
my ideal super power.

? Chad Shenanigan :

Being able to walk around naked with impunity would be an fantastic thing. Imagine, a world where I could wake up, take a shower and then not have
to get dressed, a world where the walk from the door to my volvo was
not some drudge trek on the way to work, but a delightful frolic with a
tantalizing breeze dancing across my nether regions.

At the office I wouldn’t be another guy in a white shirt and tie, I
would be a hero! a man allowed to roam free like we once were, like we
were meant to. Everyone would stop their talking when I walked by,
every eye would drop and admire the impressive display before them when
I sauntered past, oh how jealous they would be!

Eventually the trend would catch on, if I could do it why couldn’t they? AND THEY WOULD BE STROKE DOWN BY SOCIETY! For only I, the man with the power to walk the earth naked would have the majesty necessary to pull off such a thing.

Long after my death, people would still tell their children stories of
the man who wore no pants, statues would be made to honor my nudity and
college students would be seen wearing T-shirts with my phallic
airbrushed onto them.

Nudity may not be a glorious power life flight, but I dare an one
you to stand naked in a field and say that it wasn’t the most grand
thing you have ever felt.

? Tannerama:

This won’t be too hard for you guys to imagine since I’m sure a lot of you have similar situations. … My life sometimes seems like a series of mundane events that never seem to end. So, you can see the allure that flight may have with a person like
me. To be able to shake off my boring mediocre life for a while and
fly. It would be pure heaven.

I know that there are lots of other factors to consider (ie. air
friction, atmospheric temperature, etc) but I am presuming that if I
have the ability to fly then I have all of the ancillary biological
needs to survive flight itself.

I don’t even want to be able to fly to fight crime… or to help
anyone, for that matter. I just want to be able to blow off some steam
by cruising around the sub-stratosphere. I don’t want to be able to fly
so fast that I can turn back the rotation of the earth or anything.
But, fast enough that I could make it to Europe in an afternoon, y’know
what I mean? Just some freaking freedom.

Either that or the ability to fart confetti.

? Doctor Death said:

Rebuild the Great Wall of China Vision! [which]Superman used is in Superman 4: The Quest for Peace.

I’m sure you remember, that Nuclear dude was trying to escape, so he
flew down and smashed the Great Wall of China. Superman landed and used
his unknown power… Rebuild the Wall of China Vision! Bzzzzzzz… and
the bricks just rebuilt themselves! And everybody was befuddled. WTF?

Little known fact: Superman uses this power ALL THE TIME! When he
picks up a giant ocean freighter out of the ocean, he is using the
“Rebuild the Wall of China Vision” on the molecules of the Ocean Liner
so that it doesn’t split in two under its own incredible weight. He
lifts a building from the corner stone… what the Hell do you think is
keeping the building from crumbling to pieces?

And HOW would I use this Awesome Power?
My old Pick-up truck… Bzzzzzz, brand new!
Empty bottle of Beer… Bzzzzzz, replenished!
Beat up old shoes… Bzzzzzz, Brand new shoes!
Shot in the Chest… Bzzzzzz, Bullet hole gone!
Wallet empty… Bzzzzzz, full of Cash again!
Girlfriends old Snizz… Bzzzzzz, Virgin again!!!

I could make everything old new again…. everything broken fixed! I would be loved by everyone.

? Jason:

I’d like the power to turn personalized checks that have puppies on them into personalized checks that have kittens on them.

? Foozle said:

I’d like
the power to create and control pictures from any kind of cloud or
smoke. Incredibly detailed pictures of any size, from the wisp of smoke
rising from a cigar, to the entire sky on a cloudy day. And I don’t
want to be limited by distance.

Job wise, I’d be set for life. At first, I thought of small and
innocent ways of putting my super power to work – entertaining at
children’s birthday parties and fairs, special effects for movies and
plays, fund raising events, maybe even an act on stage.

But really, I’m a super villain at heart, which means the most logical use would be… Advertising.

Coke or Pepsi – which would pay more to plaster their logo across
the sky of all the major cities? Which political candidate will win the
bid to have his benevolently smiling face peer down from the heavens
across the entire state of Florida? The possibilities are endless and
lucrative.

It’s also an unlimited wellspring of self amusement. Gandalf
impressions. Optimus Prime vs Megatron battling above the White House?
The Death Star hovering malevolently over Las Vegas? An enormous herd
of My Little Ponies stampeding across the skies of Canada? Some
disturbing tentacle hentai spread… er, you get the idea.

Oh, and to the guy who just cut me off on the freeway? Enjoy your
faithful dick cloud that will bob merrily above your head for the next
three days.

But there can be only one winner, and I’m very happy to award this week’s to…

? pumpkinguts:

My
power would be to turn my my enemies into cute little turn of the
century knick knacks.I would sell them from my cozy shop in upstate New
York to gay couples antiquing.

Brilliant, heroic and absolutely fucking insane, sir. You truly are a hero for our times and as such, need to receive a Topless Robot shirt.