Replacement Hand: And the Winner Is…

Jesus, you guys. I think this one turned out even better than the legendary Robot Haikus. I can’t tell you how hard it was to figure out the winner with so many awesome entries, let alone the honorable mentions. Even moreso than usual, please note that those mentioned below are just a small portion of the cream of the crop, so definitely go read the full thing here. Now to the Mentions, virtually any of which could have legitimately won:

? Coconut Monkey, for “Now, I have replaced that hand with a Robot Monkey Butler. … I mean, do I need a lazer thingy hand to shoot stuff with?
Well, he is a cyber-monkey so we can just attach one to him. Do I want
a martini and my pillows fluffed? Hell yeah, I do. Get to it, Robot
Monkey Butler.”

? Ahriman, for “Ted Danson. Because that’s be fucking scary.”

? hollowedout, for “My hand would be transformed into my hand with a little nose of one
finger. Then, my friends reading this… when I play “Who’s Got Your
Nose” with my 3 year old daughter I now can DEFINITELY give a good show
(and a future trip to the therapist!). Oh and I could smell my ass to
see if it’s me who stinks or if it’s that fucker sitting in the seat
next to me! Probably that fucker!”

? BlamoKapowWhoosh for “I guess there was a mixup because I ended getting the monkey on my
stump, all it does is sit there wearing a little tuxedo, smoking
cigars and calling me Sally”

? Thatcher, for “First off, I haven’t lost my hand. We’re just on a trial seperation
because I spend too much time with my games, comics, and “stupid
dolls”. THEY’RE ACTION FIGURES, HAND! That, and she’s a whore…”

? Anybot, for “I’d replace it with one of those little self-supporting glass
“biospheres”, so I can always have a bunch of plants and little shrimps
floating/swimming around on my hand at all times. Useful? Nope, not at
all… And when I shake my fist at someone, well then they’re bringing pain
and chaos upon some poor little shrimps that really don’t deserve it.”

? Sjferrari, for “Rechargeable monkey’s paw. Constant ability to fuck with people. Irony, thy name is *poof*”

? Cornfed.Ninja, for “My left hand was first burned and then chopped off after my Master
decided to sacrifice me to his god Manos. His reasons for doing this
were never really clear, as I’d been serving him faithfully for some
time (aside from bad-mouthing him and feeling up his wives while they
were sleeping)…but that’s all in the past.”

? lou-bert vs.q-bert, for “No, I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande.”

? The Great A’Tuin, for his epic adventure of copping a feel of Megan Fox

? Jason MacIsaac, for “Rom The SpaceKnight’s Neutralizer covered in bicycle streamers.”

I’d like to take a moment to give some Superhonorable Mentions, which are so good that I’m going to have to kill myself in shame for not being able to give them a shirt:

? Krpl_Kool for “I would turn it into a huge pez dispenser with a Boba
Fett Head on it. Because I mean people would be looking and going “aww
sweet tits
that guys has a huge Boba Fett on his arm, that is fricking boss.”

? Andraxx, for “What, you may ask, would my
ideal new hand have? A studio audience. I would have a very small bleacher on my arm stub, and in it, I
would have an audience of human-like robots. Every time I entered a
room, they would laugh at my signature catchphrase, something very
sitcom-esque. It’s not very funny, but they laugh anyway. When I
insulted someone, they would make a patented “Oooh!” When I reconcile
with my friend, learn a life lesson, and hug, they would of course say
“Awww.” …Not to mention the obvious application of those little robots
linking up like Voltron to destroy my enemies.”

? Mobile Suit Mario, for “I
was in the woods. A dark and stormy night. When, a bear came upon my
trail. A bear, of no normal qualities. He had knives for teeth, and
sharks for arms. I prepared m self for battle. He stared me down. I fired my
kahayamaya wave, and at the speed of a Window’s loading bar, it blew
him to shreds. As I ducked to avoid the shrapnel, a shark-arm, flew by with fury, and I left with but only one hand…. I awoke, groggy, and distressed …my hand was now CHRISTOPHER WALKEN’S HEAD, WITH GOLDEN EARS! I now build Gundams, using only his teeth and some tweezers.”

? telezombie, for “My
hand was eaten by sharks that I was feeding babies to. I’ve since
replaced it with a miniature Macho Man Randy Savage with entrance music
sountrack from the 80’s that acts as a sonic cannon. It also has the
ability to project holograms of the macho man wherever I see fit that
scream catch phrases so loud that heads will explode.”

Alas, I had to pick a winner, and here ’tis, from Tanner:

“The Cosmic Key from the film “Masters of the Universe” starring Dolph
Lundgren. So not only would I be able to traverse different
dimensions… I would also become the third member of Daft Punk using
the cosmic key as a synthesizer making sweet sweet kick ass techno
dance song.”

It was tough, but the combination of the horrible MotU movie and awesomeness of Daft Punk proved too compelling. Thanks to everyone who entered, and if you have a siggestion for this Friday’s contest, please let me know in the comments.