The Weakest Link: And the Winner Is…

Sorry, kids, but my arm will fall off if I try to do the Honorable Mention thing this week. Please read what has turned out to be TR‘s biggest contest (in terms of entries) yet, and marvel at the hate for Quick-Kick. Before I announce the winner, I want to point out that several of you were very fuzzy on the concept of “team,” and that while Ma-ti was certainly the least useful member of the Planeteers, his ring was needed to summon Captain Planet, which did made him essential. And now for the winning entry, from Monkey Boy:

First of all his name is peregrine. In the real world the peregrine
falcon is the fastest bird in the world with a diving speed of around
200mph. In middle earth peregrine is the name of a dorkass hobbit who
basically screws everything up every chance he gets.

He starts by setting off some stupid fireworks and getting caught by Gandalf and dragged away by his ear…only to go on to pretty much
directly cause Gandalf’s death because he thought “hey this arrow
sticking out of this unstable skeleton perched precariously atop this
ancient well looks like a fun thing to touch”. And so in come the
goblins and the balrog and bye bye Gandalf.

Later he moronically sneaks a peek at Saruman’s palantir and causes
another big fracas that almost ruins everything for everyone. He also
stupidly swears fealty to crazy ol’ Denethor after explaining the
details of Boromir’s demise (who died in vain trying to save who?
stupid pippin). He later joins the battle of Minas Tirith and sure they
toss in some heroic moves but really he just has to hide behind gandalf
the whole time. and then they try to say “look, he saved Faramir!” but
by this time, he’s already been involved in too many shenanigans for
anyone to give a hoot.

PLUS he cries like a little bitch when he sings his stupid song for Denethor, while Denethor just chills like a villain eatin some sweet
ass cherry tomatoes and chicken.

Pippin is lame.

Pippin is a full-fledged member of the Fellowship, and all he did was make the other nine members’ lives harders. I don’t know why Gandalf was stupid enough to let any idiot Hobbit wandering in the vicinity to join the quest to save the goddamn world on their way out of Hobbiton, but Pippin did nothing but cause trouble, and there were three other marginally more competent Hobbits on the team already, rendering him nothing but a liability. At least Snarf could fit in tight spaces when the Thundercats were captured or something. But Pippin brought nothing to his team but misery.