Nicely done, you guys. We’ve just created enough sexual and scatological robot scenes that Michael Bay can make the next 26 Transformers flicks. Chances are he can just copy and paste the contest entries, use his “ADD EXPLOSION” script-editing stamp, and be done with it. Please, go read all the brilliance here, because these are only a few of those who deserved Honorable Mentions.
? y2jbrak for “Then at the end they all wind up celebrating Christmas together and
sing some 80’s sounding Christmas song when Arcee goes into labor with
Crunchberry Commander’s baby. And guess what kinda baby? A FUCKING
Go-Bot! Take that childhood memories!”
? Erm for “Bumblebee professes his undying love for Lebeuf and proceeds to urinate
on him in the steamiest robot/boy water sports scene to hit the silver
? Zach T. for “then shit explodes randomly for emphasis and Megan Fox rides a tiger in
a bikini and JOHN TURTURRO is just dumped in a container of robot piss.”
? Kprl_Kool for the terrifying “Think of babies day out meet the search for Spock.”
? Captain Flunky for the brilliant “Just your typical ‘Budweiser commercial directed by Leni Riefenstahl’ Michael Bay shot.”
? Monte, for the insightful “Five hundred new Transformers show up, and they all look like half-finished MC Escher illustrations.”
? Joe for an apt comparison between Transformers and the Batman movies
? Phil, for the obvious but stunning mental image of “Optimus Prime jumps a shark whilst waterskiing and then wins the dance contest with Joanie Cunningham.”
? Mike for “Transformers 3 is the same movie as 1 but this time Starscream shoots first.”
? The Great A’Tuin for… you just have to read it
? Mojo for “Decepticons infect the Autobots with a virus that makes them
incontinent. That’s right robot pee everywhere. Sort of like the fff
from a few weeks ago without the creepy sexual connotations. The solution will of course be allspark depends.”
? Strangeman for “Have you seen Star Wars?”
? Will for “At the end, Optimus Prime (with Megan Fox piggyback, and Shia piggyback
on her) will ride Road Rocket full speed at a trio of Decepticons… Suddenly, Optimus Prime will jump off his cycle
and launch himself into the air towards his enemies… turn towards the camera, look at the audience,
and exclaim, “It’s time to take care of those TRANSFORMERS 3!”
? Talanic for “It’s also known that Devastator is seeking his missing comrade, who
takes the form of a train. When he finally finds it, it merges with
Devastator to form a thirty foot dong, which he uses to beat Optimus
Prime nearly to death; he finishes him off with teabagging.”
? Scalpel for “The third film is the quiet film Michael Bay wants to make. It
will be a courtroom drama in which Bumblebee argues for the rights of
those Transformers that don’t want to transform any more, and for their
right to say “no” to the constant orders of Optimus Prime to turn into
robots... In a stirring slow-motion climax, the judge explodes for no reason right before delivering
the verdict. The Beef yells “NOOOOO” in slow motion for a full six
? Thomas, for almost certainly being right
? WYSeanIWYG for “Gobotse”
This is too long. The winner(s?) is on the next page.
Yes, winners, because I’m still a huge fucking softie and there’s no way I can’t reward brilliance like below. First up is Ranchoth:
Bay includes Waspinator, patterned fairly closely after his classic
“Beast Wars” incarnation, complete with the original voice actor.
…and manages to screw it up in the only way possible: he ends up
making Waspinator, a lovable and oft-mangled comic relief character,
into a figure of genuine pathos, and tragedy. He actually does a good job at it — too good, in fact. In the only place and time in the film where it would have been uncalled for.
The audience ends up feeling bad for Waspy, to the point where it starts getting depressing.
For once, with no warning or fanfare, Bay has actually managed to tug
at the audience’s heart strings on a deep, honest level; beyond any
cloying formula or even pretensions of “high art,” but from the simple
depths of good storytelling at it’s most pure.
Then Waspinator dies.
Onscreen. In a brutal, savage fashion, bordering on vivisection.
It takes six minutes.
He only stops screaming at the very end.
People are traumatized. Not just children, although they’re the
largest share—-but grown men, too, many not even Transformers fans,
just action movie fans coming in to see a monster flick on a hot summer
day. Weeping, like they’d had to put down their dog with their own bare
The Scene, as it quickly becomes known, is iconic. Like Old
Yeller, or the Velveteen Rabbit. A generation grows up in America
hesitant to crush an insect…or even throw away a broken machine.
The worst part, of course, was in the movie itself. Where, after
finding Waspy’s corpse (possibly his corpse—-there’s uncomfortable
speculation that he might not be completely dead), Optimus
Prime…makes a one-liner, then tosses the husk into a commercial
Whats left of the head pops off, rolls a few feet, then comes to a stop, leering a death-grin at the audience.
Then the movie goes on, as normal. As expected. With many explosions, but nary a look back.
…THAT is how you fuck up a movie!
And equally brilliant is Flying Noypi‘s (abbreviated) entry:
The last scene show everything is alright as the world was once
again saved by the Beef and he and Megan Fox are now looking into each
other’s eyes. As they are ready to kiss, Megan Fox’s eyes widen and
blood trickles out of her lips. The camera pans down and we see a blade
sticking out of her belly.The next shot shows the blade connected to a
robotic arm and the arm is connected to…………….
A kid with a rose in his other hand, wearing a pink shirt, shorts, and looks like he’s from the 80’s.
Seriously, if Transformers 3 had a cameo by the Megan Fox Yellow Rose kid, I could probably forgive it even if it had Ranchoth’s Waspinator scene. Congrats, you two — and well done to all of you who entered. Here’s hoping none of this actually comes true.