Desert Island Item: And the Winners Are…

?I’d be a little disappointed at the small turn out for this weekend’s t-shirt content — only 162 entries? Surely you knuckleknobs weren’t all off seeing G.I. Joe — but the fact that so of the entries were clever, insane, self-deprecating, or some combination of the three warms even my massive, overworked liver. Remember, I picked one winner myself, and one randomly this time, although you’re probably not going to believe it. First, a few mentions that are honorable but not strict Honorable Mentions — Boneshark, for his epic tale of love, loss and Jabba’s Rancor, Akashi for having awesome taste in manga, and Joe and BigT and everyone else who decided that a desert island environment would inevitably damage their favorite toys and collectibles and thus would rather not bring anything than take something which would fall out of Near Mint quality. I love you all. You are my people. And the Honorable Mentions are after the jump.

Behold, the Honorable Mentions!

MindFucker said:

My Topless Robot t-shirt.
*ahem*

Jay said:

What would I take? That’s simple. My PSX Lunar Collector’s Edition Althena Pendant Replica! So I could wrap it around my neck and choke myself to death. Live on a desert island? Pfft. Life without internet is no life at all.

Bill Binder said:

So I have the island all to myself? The answer is simple then. I’d bring all my Masters of the Universe figures. I’d convert the island into my own little Eternia, setting up an area on the hill as the Palace. And oh yes, I’d carefully craft the round funnel cake looking palace to scale, with a throne room and a kitchen (for Skeletor to disguise as the chef). I’d build a little crater nearby where Marlena’s spacecraft landed. Then on the other side of the island a full Snake Mountain! I’d route the water from the ocean to pour out the snake’s mouth. And deep in the jungle would be Grayskull. I’d spend my days looking in unknown caves for The Diamond Ray of Dissapearance or telling the oldest tree on the island that I won’t cut it down to appease Granamyr.

NOAH said:

my handmade powerpuff girl (Buttercup) tshirt, so I can show all the island bitches how cool I am.

y2jbrak said:

My one item would have to be my 12″ C-3PO figure from 1978. You see I always wanted one of these toys and I have been given THREE of of them before but my older brother always steals them and sells them. So as a final fuck you to him and the rest of the world, 3PO and I would build a new happy tropical land. Without Tony Isabella and his evil minions writing shitty comic books that make my life here an eternal burning hell. Bastard! *sigh* Life would be so great then.

Bookfisher said:

All of Donald Duck comics and books, so when they are saving me 4? years later, I will have an excuse for not wearing pants.

Nukunuku said:

My Pinky St collection. That way I would always have plenty of company. Also, if the island was ever invaded by cannibals I would have an army of ever-smiling, trendily-dressed chibi dolls to protect me.

TK8103 said:

I’d bring my replica stormtrooper armor, for no other reason than it would make an me an interesting corpse.

whatsmyhouse said:

Summer Glau’s Legs.
On Lando Calrissian’s body.
Leave the cape on lady lando.

awesome all day said:

Robocop poster.
Because you never know.

Capsulesn’Coffee said:

I would bring my Rei Ayanami schoolgirl figure. Thousands of miles from civilization there will be no one to look down with scorn at the love between a man and a 12 inch plastic figurine. It will be like “Blue Lagoon” only with me and Rei, I will have stolen the dream of millions of Otaku, but their cry’s would just be mere whispers in the wind. After a period of courting Rei, we tie the knot and live a happy life of drinking coconut milk and skinny dipping under the obligatory cascading waterfall. I will become nervous due to the fact that the tree monkeys have been making eyes at my wife and approaching her when I leave for work(gathering fruits and berries). One sultry night after a particularly passionate lovemaking session, as we lie in the sand, the tree monkeys come for my plastic wife and before I can react, whisk her away to do god knows what with her. I lay sobbing as horrifying chewing sounds emit from the jungle. The next morning I find all that’s left of her: a torn apart plastic school uniform and her head. I am a changed man after this, I crush berries into a paste and paint my face to look like her eva unit and devote the rest of my life on that godforsaken island to avenging her death in the most violent ways possible, God himself averts his eyes as I hunt down the punk tree monkeys responsible and dish out bloody primate justice

kowzilla said:

If stranded on a desert island, I would (naturally) bring my hardcover copy of “The Official Topless Robot Omnibus of Fan Fiction.” Then, any time I begin yearn for company of my fellow man, I will be able to open the TOTROoFF and remind myself of just how awful the human race actually is. And I will think to myself “Why? Why did I ever want to leave this beautiful island? This wonderful place oh so far, far from David Garrett and tribalTAT and Abraxas and LL72! This is my home now. This is my home.”

Drew Stevenson said:

I’d take my VHS copy of Groundhog Day. Then I’d pull out all the tape and wrap myself as a mummy. A Bill Murray imbued mummy.

Awesome Thompson said:

As terrible as this figure is, I would take my GIJoe Spasma figure. Of all my geeky possessions, Spasma is the most special. I always feel like I have some sort of nerd bragging rights since Yo Joe says “Because they were never released in stores and because of their uniquely rare nature, the Manimals are an unrealistic goal for the completist G.I.Joe collector.” If I find another geek, I plan to trade Spasma for two coconuts.

Discover the winners on the next page.

—-

And finally, the winners. First up is the randomly selected winner.

Kate said:

My X-Wing collection. I couldn’t bare to be without them, and they’re phallic and in many different sizes for when I get bored.

Lady luck is apparently a pervert, or else the idea of the nerdy girl who has sex is so unimaginably powerful that it can affect even chance. Congrats, Kate. I hope the topless Robot shirt makes up for 18 jillion comments I’m about to receive demanding pictures. Sigh. (Although really, if you were doing the naughty with an X-Wing toy, would you be required to periodically yell out “Stay on target?” …sorry, couldn’t help myself either, apparently.) And here’s my personal favorite, although all the Honorable Mentions and more made me laugh out loud:

Portion of Foxes said:

ideally i would say my computer but then again that would be cheating so to speak so i will settle on this. i would bring all my x-men paraphernalia, that includes comics toys and clothes. i would read all the comics and learn how to turn myself into a mutant and use those powers to shape the island in my own “image” and use the figures as my loyal minions and friends

as my mind slowly fades away i can imagine it now sitting on the shore with a glass of seawater in my hand having a tea party with magneto, xavier, phoenix and emma frost sitting there and here is the dialogue to ensue

me: more tea mags?
magneto: why thank you
[me pouring salt water on top of magneto thinking im pouring tea into his glass]me: and you senor cripps, i mean professor
[professor reads my mind, finds out we are going to eat him for dinner]xavier: if you plan on killing me do it now
[in reality i take the figure and chuck it into the ocean, but first i remember that i had written something on the bottom with my trusty wolverine sharpie-esque marker and that is how i will get saved]

Since most of my Topless Robot posts are rife with typos, I try not to judge people based on lack of punctuation or capital letters. Even if I did, the fact that Portion of Foxes has imagined a tea party with Professor X where he calls him “Senor Cripps” is the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Well done, sirrah. And well done to all of you guys, too. I’ve got plenty more shirts to give out, so don’t strand yourself on a desert island quite yet.