The 10 Most Ill-Advised G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Uniform Changes

?By Jesse Thompson

G.I. Joe: Rise of  Cobra has had a lot working against it from the outset. First came the announcement of hack action director Stephen Sommers’ involvement. Then the casting of Marlon Wayans in a prominent role. Then those publicity stills showcasing hackneyed “battle” costumes and Storm Shadow’s white sneakers. To make matters worse, when the first actual trailer debuted a couple months back, it quickly became obvious that the two most dreaded words of the second half of the summer would be “accelerator” and “suits.”

With a full month left before the film hits screens, longtime Joe fans are prepping to hate on Rise of Cobra faster than you can say “Raptor, Cobra’s accountant.” After all, it’s obvious the filmmakers have no respect for the beloved Real American Hero characters, designs and storylines, right? Well, judging by some of the changes those grunts went through over the toyline’s 12-year history, maybe a lack of respect isn’t such a bad thing. How soon we forget General Hawk with a jet pack and Leatherneck with yellow pants! So from ninja “upgrades” to neon accessories, here are the 10 most painful fatigues switcheroos in ARAH history.

10) Armor Tech Star Brigade Destro
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By the time the Joes got around to wearing spacesuits and fighting mutant monsters, the brand had really gone downhill. Hell, kids didn’t even care about Star Wars at that point! A few years after ditching his own Iron Grenadiers start-up and returning to the Cobra fold, Destro must’ve been hard up for Des-dough if he followed Cobra Commander’s orders to hang out in space and wear this ridiculous clunky getup in 1993. Is his left arm really shoved into that cannon? Must he wear an astronaut helmet OVER his silver mask? That’s gotta be bad for the complexion. And why would he need an uzi and a knife for space battle? According to his updated file card, he now presided over an armor-plated space fortress … so consider this Galactic Pimp Destro.

9) Battle Corps Cross-Country
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We know what you’re thinking: With his initial “The South will rise again!”-inspired fashion statement (Civil War reenactment hat, obvious Confederate flag belt buckle, “Heritage, not hate”-emblazoned boxers), how could Cross-Country’s ’93 duds get any worse? Two words: acid-washed jeans. Wild Bill was LOL-ing so hard, he crashed a Dragonfly. Why couldn’t at least one Joe have been influenced by the grunge movement?

8) Battle Corps Gung-Ho
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The tough-as-nails Marine endured a ton of Village People jokes when he debuted in 1983, but made a smart choice by donning his dress blues in 1987 and jumping into action with just a saber for a weapon (though we’re pretty sure that engaging in combat missions wearing such ceremonial garb was frowned upon by the U.S. military). Gung-Ho went back to basics later on, but with this ’92 outfit, with his “Let’s get physical” headband and proudly bared chest, the old-timer came off as a cross between Olivia Newton-John and the Thundercats’ Lynx-O. Of course, tell the ragin’ Cajun that and you’re likely to get your head dunked into a vat of gumbo.

7) Battle Corps Mutt
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Here we present everything that was wrong with G.I. Joe in the mid-’90s, distilled into one single piece of attire. Not only was Hasbro repackaging figures that had been released the year before with slight color variations, but these tweaks were at best head-scratching, at worst traumatic. For evidence of the latter, look no further than 1993’s Mutt. That is, if you CAN look; your retinas may have been burned out by that outrageously loud pink vest. Pink! Did he seriously step out onto the battlefield wearing that thing? If so, it’s likely that Lifeline called him a pussy and Junkyard contracted rabies just to be shot.

6) Slaughter’s Marauders Barbecue
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Sgt. Slaughter must have sustained one too many blows to the head when he decided  in 1989 he needed a camouflaged firefighter for his new unit, assembled to lead “the latest land offensive against Cobra, armed with the heaviest artillery.” Seriously, what’s Barbecue gonna do? It’s not like he was armed with a dual-action grenade launcher or something; just his same old fire-extinguisher accessory. Maybe the Sarge kept him around in case the Equalizer had a gas fire.

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5) Battle Corps Firefly
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Bob the Builder has infiltrated Cobra! No wait, that’s just Firefly, once one of the most badass Joe villains ever, reduced in ’92 to wearing a dumb construction hat and what appears to be some sort of Family Double Dare jumpsuit. What saboteur in his right mind would try to sabotage anything wearing neon green? Not to mention his weapon of choice – a giant spinning battle top. Yes, the perfect choice for all of those clandestine stealth missions to infiltrate G.I. Joe … if you’re bringing along Proctor from Police Academy movies 3-6. Bumble away! If Firefly had been given a speaking role in the animated Joe flick, this travesty never would have happened.

4) Eco-Warriors Flint
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With kids suddenly paying attention to things like Earth Day, the brain trust at Hasbro decided the most logical career path for this fan-favorite, no-nonsense officer would be the Captain Planet route. Though Flint was best known for rocking a beret like none other (sorry, Dial-Tone) and rocking Lady Jaye’s world, he was forced to suit up in neon green in 1991 (again with the neon! Gah!) and head up the Eco-Warriors division, hanging with new-recruit losers like Ozone and Clean-Sweep, and keeping Cobra from dumping toxic sludge in landfills or some such shit. As a Rhodes Scholar, Mr. Faireborne here could’ve talked his way outta this plum assignment if he’d really tried.

3) Battle Corps Bazooka
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Bazooka was the first “casual Friday” member of the Joe team. Playing against type and not wearing a uniform associated with his primary military specialty (we believe it was “blower-upper of things”), he initially wore a memorable red football jersey, paving the way for the Fridge, Red Dog and other pigskin-themed nutjobs with a flagrant disregard for proper attire befitting a soldier. But after one too many screenings of A River Runs Through It in ’93 and growing a creepy handlebar mustache, Bazooka took a trip to Bass Pro Sports, picked up a keen fishing vest and hat, and promptly embarrassed the hell out of Alpine. At least, more so than usual.

2) Ninja Force Zartan
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Perhaps the world’s only ninja with a bright-orange mohawk, Zartan looks more like he’s on his way to a Dead Kennedys gig than a showdown in the Octagon. In a case of another cool character who’d only been given one figure up until this point, fans were probably psyched when news spread that another Zartan was on the way. But when this “master of disguise” in punk-rock garb emerged in ’93 — sans color-changing action and no identity-altering accessories — the world wept, and Larry Hama looked for the key to his liquor cabinet. Hey, at least Zartan finally got
a bow, the weapon he was closely associated with in the comics… just a bright orange one. Sigh.

1) Paintball Snake Eyes
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It probably comes as no shocker that Snake Eyes tops the list, since Hasbro trotted out a new version of him every few years (they did the same with Roadblock, yet he retained his dignity through the ARAH run, for the most part). And this ’91 version was just god-awful, plain and simple, and marked the beginning of the end of the line. Ski goggles? A surgical mask? Neon swords? Yeesh. Even Timber, suffering from Junkyard Embarrassment Syndrome, knew to steer clear of his former master, and probably signaled Freedom and Polly to poop on him from above. The Legion of Joe Pets were a force to be reckoned with. Though this incarnation of Snake Eyes beat the “extreme” craze by a few years, accessories like a snowboard and bottle of Mountain Dew certainly wouldn’t look out of place. The last Snake Eyes ARAH figure, 1993’s Ninja Force entry, would fare marginally better, but the damage had been done. To quote an equally odious bad guy from the sure-to-be superior Joe movie, “You have LOST, G.I. Joe! LOST!”