Elmo, You Pedophile-Enabling Bastard
?
You’re looking at Elmo’s Tickle Hands, sure to be all the rage with the stylish child molester who’s looking for an easy defense (“But your honor! I was just using the Tickle Hands as instructed on the package!”). This isn’t just me, right? We all feel there should be some kind of reverse age limit on these things, so you can’t buy them unless you’re under 6 or so, right? Shudder. And yet, these things are actually worse than you think; from the product description:
“Now Elmo puts the Tickle Power
in your hands with Tickle Hands Elmo! Tickle Hands Elmo are two silly
furry red hands that fit right on a child hands. One tickle hand
features tickle technology. Press Elmo’s nose on the hand to activate.
When child touches a surface, the hand begins to vibrate and you’ll get
fun phrases from Elmo and silly sound effects. The more you tickle the
more Elmo laughs!”
THE HANDS VIBRATE. The only way these things could be more evil is if they came pre-soaked in cholorform. (Via Entertainment Earth)
About The Author
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.