Elmo, You Pedophile-Enabling Bastard

You’re looking at Elmo’s Tickle Hands, sure to be all the rage with the stylish child molester who’s looking for an easy defense (“But your honor! I was just using the Tickle Hands as instructed on the package!”). This isn’t just me, right? We all feel there should be some kind of reverse age limit on these things, so you can’t buy them unless you’re under 6 or so, right? Shudder. And yet, these things are actually worse than you think; from the product description:

Now Elmo puts the Tickle Power
in your hands with Tickle Hands Elmo! Tickle Hands Elmo are two silly
furry red hands that fit right on a child hands. One tickle hand
features tickle technology. Press Elmo’s nose on the hand to activate.
When child touches a surface, the hand begins to vibrate and you’ll get
fun phrases from Elmo and silly sound effects. The more you tickle the
more Elmo laughs!”

THE HANDS VIBRATE. The only way these things could be more evil is if they came pre-soaked in cholorform. (Via Entertainment Earth)