?After all the hubbub following last week’s Fan Fiction Friday, I’m afraid we’ve lost sight of what’s really important. It’s not about memes or internet fame or the failure of the American public school system to teach the problems of run-on sentences — it’s about the fan fiction, man. So, rather than trying to top last week’s insanity, I want to take us back to basics, which is to say ridiculous characters having preposterously, perverted sex– say, perhaps some random Jurassic Park workers getting consensually raped by a velociraptor.
… the creature made it’s move! With a loud shriek it threw itself against the panel next to the bolts Muldoon had loosened, ripping the door from it’s hinges and knocking the cage back, sending Joffrey crashing onto the unforgiving jungle floor below and jarring every bone in his body! Howling in triumph, the creature shot out a brown, scaly limb and sunk a vicious, sabre-like claw into the workman’s fleshy ankle, tearing through the muscle and bone and locking itself firmly in place. Joffrey screamed at the top of his lungs as he was dragged forcefully back inside the cage, powerless to resist the creature’s superior strength.
Muldoon suppressed an excited grin as he immediately began to shout instructions to the panic-stricken construction crew. “Tasers, get in there goddamnit! You there – ” he motioned to one dumbstruck engineer, “Bring me four tranq rifles, a vial of nerve toxins and a camera goddamnit! And make sure it’s a bloody video camera this time!”
Joffrey howled in terror as his efforts to stay put failed. Unable to break the creature’s hold he cracked his head brutally against the side of the cage and lost all ability to resist as his senses became groggy. A rank odour of decaying meat and faeces lined the air of the cage and it was all he could do to suppress his gag reflex the way his gym teacher had taught him. As his head cleared slightly he was able to make out the dreadful beast which had just snared him. Standing almost eight feet high, with mottled brown and green skin and rows of curved, serrated teeth was Velociraptor Antirrhopus: a killing machine of almost unsurpassed intelligence, lethality and sexual appetite. It’s long forearms ended in five muscular digits, each sporting an intimidating-looking claw. It leered at him wickedly, and Joffrey knew his end was nigh.
Strangely enough though, he didn’t really mind! While Joffrey would have preferred not to die, this prehistoric jack the ripper was somehow the most beautiful creature he had ever seen – from her lustrous amber eyes to her graceful, prehensile tail – all the way to her muscular thighs and smooth, curvy footclaws. It would be an honour to be ravaged by such a….a…goddess! Blissfully and with complete disregard for his mutilated ankle and gashed open head, he reached out and smiled at the creature as she reared up and opened her jaws…
…yeah. And yeah, in case you missed it, the hungry-for-“excitement” Muldoon loosened the bolts to the cage so the velociraptor could escape. What could be next, I wonder?
By now the activity outside the cage had reached ‘pandemonium’ status. Frightened workers ran around like headless compys trying to find a way to secure the cage and free their colleague. In a state of calm bliss, Muldoon strode over to the radio and casually informed the Jurassic Park control centre that they were ready for the other raptors now and also while they were at it perhaps a few crates of strong alcohol and some women’s clothing. Almost trembling with anticipation but remaining outwardly stoic nonetheless, he loosened his belt and struck a match to light his pre-coital cigarette with. Six damn months! Well NOW he was going to get some release! Grabbing the side of the broken cage, he hauled himself up and peeked through a gap in the roof to see how things were progressing.
I do have to say I love Muldoon demanding booze and women’s clothing. I mean, the right tools for the right job, right?
The velociraptor had parted her jaws and looked about to strike, but suddenly she seemed to stop as if unsure of herself. Joffrey was confused – why hadn’t this hot cretaceous babe mauled him like the filthy descendant of a wretched shrew-like thing that he was? Why was he not being lovingly absorbed by the digestive system of this perfect, carrion-scented aphrodite?
So… both Joffrey and Muldoon find the velociraptor sexually desirable? I hate to say it, but this story of men getting fucked by a dinosaur is straining its credibility. Oh, a warning — you’re about to find out in extremely graphic detail the gender of the velociraptor, so this is your last chance to stop before the Badness happens.
Almost as if he dared not speculate, he glanced up at her, still expecting the final strike that would end his sexually confused mammalian existance – and saw at once that it would not come. Her eyes were still marked by a ferocious hunger, but it was not for shredded meat she seemed to slaver – she clearly wanted the meat intact! Joffrey couldn’t believe his luck! Slowly, she backed away from him, then coyly turned around so her bird-like hips were on full display mere inches from his face. From this angle, he could see her smooth, hairless slit. As he began to drool, she started to shake her hips from side to side seductively, delicately spraying him with gallons upon gallons of dinosaur sex pheromones she had in some gland that all velociraptors had but that didn’t get fossilised with the rest of them because it was too soft somehow. Cautiously at first, lest he somehow alarm her or turn her off, Joffrey began to lightly rub the area around her velocigina with his chin, nuzzling the rough, pebble-like folds of skin surrounding it with his tongue. The creature howled with a terrifying, primordial delight and thrust herself back against Joffrey’s mouth, knocking out his front teeth and ramming his lower jaw deep inside her.
VELOCIGINA. Greatest band name ever or just the best band name ever?
“GRKHLONNGGGGHKGFLFGLGLUMMMPH!!!!” Joffrey whispered seductively as he continued to work his magic on her with his mouth parts, delicately teasing her harsh, sandpaper-like clitoris as he did so.
Sand-paper-like clitoris is a terrible band name, but it definitely needs to go in the FFF Hall of Fame.
From his vantage point on top of the cage, Muldoon could see that things were progressing far better than he ever could have hoped for! “YOU THERE!” he shouted at the engineer again, who had returned with the equipment
he had been asked to retrieve. “Get up here and set that video camera up! The rest of you, find some bloody tasers!”
What the hell is the camera for? …oh. Of course.
The velociraptor continued to bellow and howl and echo her savage predatorial joy across the construction site as Joffrey brought her halfway to climax. With one exaggerated movement, she threw her hips violently to one side, dislodging Joffrey’s lower jaw from her deep hot minge and hammering him against the side of the cage. Winded, he collapsed to the floor, his face a brutal looking mess of blood, bone, flesh, dinosaur sex pheromones and primeval vaginal juices. The velociraptor was a merciless predator, but she was not a selfish lover! It was time to reciprocate. As Joffrey lay battered on the cage floor barely able to move, she approached him and lightly rested her perfectly-shaped foot on his crotch. Even through his dislocated muscle, she could feel the bulge! She grinned, as all velociraptors are pretty much forced to do because of their bone structure, and with one deft flick of her curved toe claw she tore through the lining of his pants and exposed his engorged, throbbing, member. Joffrey mumbled with ecstasy through his maimed features as the creature appraised him. She was mildly disappointed at the lack of insemination barbs on his manhood, but she had come too far now – invested too much time – to stop the process this close to completion. Wrapping her tail around his waist, she pulled him to his feet and slammed herself back against his erect cock, moaning wickedly as it pushed apart the sides of her opening and entered her. Little bubbles of pleasure formed in the red-black foam on Joffrey’s mouth as she forced herself further back, taking him deep inside her.
It’s the horrific brutality that keeps it fun! Most terrifyingly, there’s not a “Joffery” character in Jurassic Park — but there is a guy who played “Worker in Raptor Pen” whose real name is Jophery C. Brown. Whether accidentally or intentionally, the author has just written about a real man getting brutalized and raped by a dinosaur. I don’t know why, but this makes the whole story far more horrifying to me.
On top of the cage, the camera was nearly ready. Muldoon could take no more! Whipping off his safari shorts and pulling out his very own ‘big game’, he wrapped his hands around it and began to rythmically jerk off as the confused and terrified engineer pointed the camera where he was told to!
“Ohhhhhh that’s right, get it all on tape, allllllll on tape”, he groaned as he energetically pumped his purple shotgun.
Yes. That just happened. The phrase “purple shotgun” was used to describe a penis for the first time in history. You witnessed it. Congratulations.
The velociraptor was grinding and bucking back against Joffrey with terrifying savagery now, and she could feel the warmth beginning to build up in her nether regions as his rod-hard dick slammed in and out of her orifice. Fervently, she rocked against the side of the cage, ignoring Joffrey’s impassioned gurgling noises as she brought herself closer and closer to a meteoric climax.
“Keep shootinggggg”, Muldoon moaned as he prepared to do some shooting of his own. “SHOOT HER! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT HEEEEERRR!!!!”
Not that this whole thing isn’t disturbing, but really, isn’t it just as insane that someone would write an erotic fan fic starring virtually unknown character actor Bob Peck as it is about a dinosaur? I mean, not that anyone in the Jurassic Park movies are your standard lust objects, but there’s Sam Neill, William H Macy, Richard Attenborough, Tea Leoni, Julianne Moore — hell, even Wayne Knight should come before Bob Peck. Very weird.
Finally the raptor could take it no more! Squealing as if she intended to drown out all other sounds that had ever been made by anything in the history of ever she came hard and fast, her vaginal walls constricting around Joffrey like a vice as wave after wave of putrid velociraptor love tabasco squirted everywhere, dousing the floor and walls of the cage in a layer of horribleness half an inch thick. Joffrey screamed in agony as his frail warm-blooded member was crushed by this merciless barrage, and tried desperately to pull out of her, but it was too late. In a final act of climax she spun around again, taking him with her and cracking his spine in two. Acting on pure instinct, she sank her powerful jaws into the sides of his skull and bit down hard, ripping his head clean in half and scattering flesh and blood everywhere. As her teeth entered his brain, they triggered his pleasure and pain senses, sending him at once into the most disturbingly intense agony a human being can possibly experience and bringing him to such heights of ecstasy as humankind can only dream of. Then he died.
Sometimes, I don’t even know why I write anything during these FFFs. I’ll never think up anything more hilarious than “velociraptor love tabasco” in my entire life. This pervert is blessed with an incredible imagination — and one he’s devoted to write about Jurassic Park snuff-porn. A mind is a terrible thing to waste indeed.
Then, as she wolfed down what had once been the greater part of a young man’s head, her body was racked by more uncontrollable spasms! She writhed and flopped over the cage, all movement out of her control as the by now rallied workers fired taser shot after taser shot through the cage door, each one making contact with her and sending powerful electric shocks through her body. A sound not dissimilar to that of a former Kenyan gamekeeper ejaculating emanated from the cage roof above, and as she spasmed on the floor she could feel a sticky, warm liquid trickle onto her from above.
“OhhhhhhYEStheyshouldallbedestroyed!!” Muldoon groaned to himself as he shot his load through the hole in the cage roof and sank happily to his knees.
Men! Women! Why not try screaming “OhhhhhhYEStheyshouldallbedestroyed!!” the next time your lover brings you to orgasm? I think everyone will be pleasantly surprised!
As the workers continued to shock the velociraptor into submission a low rumbling noise was heard. “Oh, jolly good!” Muldoon thought to himself. “Sounds like the others are on their way”! Excitedly, he pulled his shorts back up and rallied the remaining workforce. “Come on you lot”, he declared, “one down… seven more to go”.
This story was written by Michael Collins and sent to me by David Cat, so blame them. And if we can avoid making any memes from the different velociraptors’ vagina descriptions, I really think that would be for the best. I would also like to point out that this story is just one of many from — and I’m not shitting you here — The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer’s Association, whose existence upsets me even more deeply than the story. Their motto? “A love that never grows extinct.” If you need me, I will be clubbing myself to death with scotch bottles now.