Most Shameful Nerd Argument: And the Winners Are…


?Whenever I’m feeling down, the TR contest never fails to cheer me up. Seriously, it’s impossible for me to read people entries and feel bad, knowing how many insane yet self-aware nerds are out there, reading TR. This contest was one of my favorites for that reason, and people ruefully talked of how insanely upset they got over random nerdy subjects. Please, make sure you take some time to read all the entries, because these Honorable Mentions are just a tiny selection of this thread’s greatness.

Also, I’d like to give a very special mention to Aingeal dar Cathu for starting a nerd argument in the thread, specifically, the question if it would be bestiality if Cheetara fucked Snarf. I shall not weigh in on this argument, because… well, because it’s about Cheetara fucking Snarf. But the rest of you may go right ahead — but check out the winners first.

First up, many an Honorable Mention, potentially edited for brevity!

Coconut Monkey said:

My buddy once sent an email to all his friends and at then end was just a small question. More like a survey than anything.
He asked, “Who would win in a fight, Spider-Man or Luke Skywalker?”
It wasn’t just a simple answer. It really depended on the time’s in each character’s lives. The enviroment that the fight might take place. I talked about alternate realities and Extended Universes. I brought up a lot. Maybe too much.
I wrote for five pages. Five hard pages of clinical and straight forward idea. It read like VCR instructions and was not entertaining except for all the rendom scenerios I brought up. Things like: Captian Universe Spidey, or Dark Force II Luke, Black Costumes for both. Is this in New York or Tatooine? New York 2099?
Probably the worst part of it was that I never gave an answer. I just said, if “this” and “this” then Luke would win. If “this” and “that”, Spidey would win. Five pages of that.
 Yeah. I gave a giant argument and the only conclusion was that I’m a geek. I guess I lost that one.

Paul Sebert said:

Back when I was in highschool a group of my friends at lunchtime actually had a debate over who people thought the sexiest Muppet was. Janice from the Electric Mayhem and Mokey from Fraggle Rock were popular candidates.
This eventually spilled over into discussion if Kira from the Dark Crystal counted as a Muppet.

Adam said:

The nerdiest argument I’ve had is with my wife – should I continue wasting time trying to win a shirt that features a robot with flying boobs, a shirt that I can’t wear out in public with her, and one that most likely wouldn’t fit? Since I’ve exacerbated almost all my nerd knowledge already she raises the point of why enter when I won’t win and all it does is make me angry, it’s just a shirt, my responses aren’t so well thought out and kind. So complain all you want about an argument with a boss, my hopeless endeavor of winning one of your shirts is a fighting point within my marriage.

Kprl Kool said:

Two annoying nerds: One was the basic stereotypical over 30 nerd, ponytail, balding, slightly overweight in Iron Maiden shirt. The other was Gimli, short long red hair long ass beard.
I overheard them in a heated argument about how tall Wookiees are. Gimli was screaming that they are 2 meters tall, and Stereotype was yelling back at him that they are 8 feet tall (do the math, they were obviously on break from their mensa meeting. It finally breaks down to Stereotype telling calling Gimli a closet case and a waste of his mom’s sperm. Gimli then let out a scream of pure nerd rage and cracked his friend in the jaw with the Star Wars guide to creatures.
Nice little aside–Gimli got banned from the store I worked at the next week for trying to stuff games down his pants.

electronsexparty said:

I got into a HUGE fight with my boyfriend over who Harry Potter should have ended up with. He was a Harry/Ginny shipper from the get-go and I was one who hated the typical bullshit and wanted Harry to upset the status quo and date that lovable weirdo Luna. Or, go slash on us and date Draco. We argued so insanely and angrily about who Harry Potter ought to be dating that I ended up punching my boyfriend (in the arm, but I wanted to punch him in the face).

Thatcher said:

I argued with a cop over what Captain America would do… Virginia Beach, VA has a “No Profanity” law on the beach and beachfront. There is a $75 dollar fine for breaking this law. Wanna know how I know?
I was stationed there in the Marines and was out with some buddies on the waterfront having some drinks. Being the shameless nerd that I am, and apparently not looking to get laid, I was wearing my Captain America costume shirt. After a few too many Jagerbombs I stumble out into the street to smoke. I look up and see the “No Profanity” sign there on the light post. It looks like a no smoking sign, but instead of a cigarette it’s got “$@%!%”. Yes, really. Feeling that my 1st amendment right to free speach was under attack, I say to no one in particular “What the fuck is this shit?” Right behind me, a cop. He tells me he’ll let me slide if I watch my mouth and move on.
Being inspired by Cap’s recent (at the time) rebellion in Civil War, I reply “NO! Fuck this! I fight for the fucking freedoms of this country and free speach is one of them!” He tells me it’s to protect the kids at the beach and not everyone wants to hear it, blah, blah, blah. I ask “What fucking kid is out at 1 in the morning? This is bullshit!” This was the last straw for the cop, who took out his ticket book and wrote me a $75 dollar citation. He attempted to hand it to me but drunk and indignant I yell “I ain’t taking this shit!! Fuck you pig, I’m Captain Fucking America!!” My buddies heard the commotion finally and came out to stop me from getting thrown in jail by promising the cop they’ll get me home ASAP and start to drag me away. As two of my buddies drag me kicking and screaming, the last of our group was still trying to smooth things over with the cop and I see him write another ticket to for me for my continued abuse of the law. Rage filled my veins. “FUCK YOU COP!! THIS IF FUCKING AMERICA!! THE FUCKING A DOESN’T STAND FOR FRANCE!!”

Gumblackwood said:

My nerdiest moment could have cost me my life, and I didn’t even know it at the time. My brothers and I often argued over who’s turn it was on video games.
We had been having a hard time beating Boba Fett in Shadows of the Empire for N64. My parents let us know there would be only one more turn before bed, and I desperately wanted to try one more run. In great nerdly fashion, I claimed that I heard a new strategy at school that day and wanted to try it out. Middle brother protested, and asked what it was, claiming it was his turn based on our normal rules. I told him I couldn’t tell him without trying, and with the assent of little brother grabbed the controller and proceeded to waste a turn doing pretty much the same thing as I had tried on my last turn, failing just as miserably.
The house calmed down with my brothers and I in our bedrooms, but apparently middle brother was still angry. Later that night he went to the kitchen and pulled out a butcher knife. Luckily Mom caught him, learned his intent to hurt me or himself and got him to go back to bed.
Apparently that did not fully defuse the situation. Still worried, Dad was keeping watch on middle brother’s door, and so my brother disassembled the casement on his window and wandered around outside my window for most of the night with his little league bat, tapping on the window occasionally for whatever reason.
I only learned about this about a decade later when middle brother had been diagnosed as Bipolar and that the accounts of my parents on this incident were a major indication that he had a history of manic episodes. It makes me feel awful just thinking back on it.

Brian said:

One time I beat someone up because of Harvest Moon 64, a game about growing vegetables and making friends. I’m not joking.
See, I was in the military at the time, and we were out at sea, and I was obsessed with Harvest Moon, so I spent all my free time on patrol playing it. This one guy on the boat thought it’d be fun to make fun of me for playing the ‘sissy game’. To be fair, I gave him plenty of warnings to knock it off. Well, finally, one day I had enough. I was watering my vegetables, he was dogging on me, and I lost it… picked up the nearest object (a metal trash can) and chucked it at him (it bounced off him and hit someone else I hated… bonus!), and he ran for his life, with me in hot pursuit, fists flailing.

Jidasfire said:

This is less an argument and more of a debate, but back in high school, my friends and I were discussing various aspects of the Star Trek holodeck. The question arose as to what would happen if one took a dump in a holographic toilet. Since the toilet is obviously not real, when you end the program, would the dump be waiting for you on that grid floor? The debate raged for weeks, going into various aspects of how the holodeck safety protocols worked, whether they’d be smart enough to know the difference between destroying a dump and killing a human, and whether you’d step in it if it was there, since you’re really in a pretty small space. Ultimately, we reluctantly settled on the fact that unless the safeties were off, the dump would indeed remain. Not all parties were happy, but it made more sense than anything else.

kowzilla said:

Cyclops vs. Benjamin Franklin. Seriously.
My friend insisted that, given the prep-time and available items that we had agreed upon, Ben Franklin would figure out some way to win via mirrors or lightning keys or some shit. We were eventually talking in raised voices and making very forceful jabs with our fingers.
Then our biology teacher told us to be quiet and refocus on the intricacies of the human ear.
After that class period the debate continued. It spread, like a virus, to our friends and our classmates. Everyone was arguing for days on end about various aspects of the match-up.
Ultimately it was decided that Cyclops would be the victor. But I think we all knew who the real losers were.

UnknownMuncher said:

I’m embarrased to share this story since it’s about my friend and me getting into a heated discussion about which power from Heroes would equate into the best sex. While going back and forth about whether Sylar’s bad boy persona would be mind blowing literally or figurativly we managed to confuse every other person in the van.
What makes the story worse is not our love of mediocre shows but what happened to the guys in the front seat who were supposed to be concentrating on driving. While we debate the relative merits of mutant actors we disturbed our dear friends so much that they crashed a van into an innocent deer. We managed to not only kill a little bit of our self respect but also a life. I still feel bad.

CChaos said:

The most shameful Nerd argument I’ve ever seen happened to be one of the biggest I’ve come across in about 18 years of being online.
Back when D&D 4e was coming out, there was the introduction of the Dragonborn, a race of pseudo-dragons that pretty much replaced the half-orc as the big fighter type. Well, apparently they became a small controversy because of a very strange reason: people wanted to know if they were going to have breasts or not.
Not kidding.
On the Wizards of the Coast boards, the nerd rage went on for weeks about breasts or no breasts and resulted in a thread that spanned approximately 50 PAGES of forum posts. The only reason it came to a halt is basically because it was pretty much ‘decided’ that the breasts would come or go on the DM’s prerogative. That was, by far, the most shameful nerd argument I ever witnessed.

Carl said:

I was friends with this guy named Chris at school. We rode the same bus to and from school. I am one of the biggest Star Trek nerds in the world and of course, all the bullies at school tortured me worse then a farm animal about it. So, one day, in a moment of insanity, he decided to join the bullies and turn on me and tell me Star Trek sucks and tries to pull the Trek book I am reading out of my hands. So, I grab his head and actually break the school bus window with it. For some reason, we stopped being friends period and the bullies all backed all for a while. Hmmmm, actually this is one of my favorite moments, not shameful…

LJSLarsson said:

I once got in an nerdy argument while eating dinner with my wife?s family.
I and my sister-in-law (who isn’t a nerd) where discussing what was better – movies based on books or the books that the movies where based on. I was of course speaking for books’ superiority, she was advocating the movie medium.
One of her argument where that movies where great because it helped the books publicity. Her example for this was that NO ONE HAD HEARD ABOUT THE OBSCURE BOOK ‘LORD OF THE RINGS’ BEFORE THE KEWL MOVIES CAME OUT!!!!!!
I got so angry that I called her an idiot, said that I couldn’t stand being in the same room as her and stormed out in the room. I did this in front of my wife and my mother-in-law. Not a very proud moment.
But man, thinking about it still makes me angry.

TED-209 said:

My friend and I used to argue over which phaser configuration would cause the least amount of wrist strain on the user. I believe that the Original Series or Enterprise phasers allow the crew member to hold and fire it in the most natural positioning of the outstretched arm. The Next Generation phasers require you to hold it like a television remote and makes aiming difficult at eye level.

James said:

I grew up watching Batman TAS. One thing I learned from that, as well as other DCAU shows was that Bruce/Batman has a plan for every eventuality. Nothing escapes him and he has defeated every foe that has come at him. It has been covered in the books extensively as well.
After we got home from the second Lord of the Rings movie we got into a discussion about Gandalf and how powerful he was as a magic user. She read the books and fully understood just how powerful this gray become white wizard is.
Her opinion was that he was the most powerful wizard in ever and him versus Dumbledore would be a good fight, but anyone else would fall almost immediately.
I told her magic users don’t stand a chance versus the Dark Knight. Things got hot. My wife eventually ran to the bedroom crying. I called my friend and while he agreed with me, he pointed out that perhaps if she was crying I had gotten a little too involved.
Later that night we made up.
In Summation: I made my wife cry because I think Batman could beat Gandalf.

GODDAMN I LOVE ALL OF YOU. Winners on the next page.


I doubt anyone is surprised by this week’s winner, and I doubt anyone would argue against it.


?edgreen86 said:

I had a close to knock down drag out fist fight with a fellow USAF Security Police officer when we were part of a four person guard detail.
We were discussing who would win. Batman or Superman. The movie had just come out, so he knew *all* about Supes. He didn’t know dick about Bats.
The other two guys ended up getting between us before we actually started hitting each other.
During the fight, the nuclear weapon we were guarding in the back of the aircraft was unattended by us. Ah those were the days…

the Batman/Superman argument is one of the most standard in nerd-dom, but having it while IGNORING THE NUCLEAR WEAPON YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GUARDING? HOLY FUCKCANOES. That is amazing. And terrifying. And definitely worthy of a TR shirt.

Since edgreen86 crushed the competition so early, I decided to have another winner. No lives were put potentially at stake with this argument, but I’m almost as astonished:


?theholyfx said:

It all started when we started a new D&D group with a new person as DM. We were all fine with this until he pulled out his d12 die…
Yes we argued and fought over die shape.
His d12 had a rhombus for each face where as mine and the former DM used the correct type of die with a pentagon as each face.
One roll of the new die, i gave it a fair shot, and i knew instantly this could not be an accurate way to roll.
So long story short, 10 thousand rolls of each die, 2 notebooks full of results. Math and engineering majors arguing with physics majors.
By the time we had finished we had the amount of friction calculated, tested on different rolling surfaces, even tested rolling in a vacuum chamber. And at the end of it, i got the first roll of the game over turned almost 4 months after the roll.

I have no words. Except congratulations, theholyfx. You might not have hit someone, but no other nerd argued so passionately for so long for such a meaningless issue to gain so little. A shirt is your reward. Thanks as always to everybody who entered, and if you hit someone over a nerd argument, please give yourselves a hug today from me.