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Star Wars Haiku: And the Winners Are…


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?If I ever suggest another haiku contest on Topless Robot, please don’t enter. Just hunt me down and punch me in the throat. It would be a lot easier than sifting through 1000 awesome Star Wars-themed haiku and trying to narrow down the winners. That’s why these winners are so late, by the way — I took Labor Day off, and had to spend all of yesterday and this morning trying to determine who should win. I think I’ve figured it out. I have a treasure trove of honorable mentions like the following:

Spazweez said:

Boba friggin Fett.

Mandalorean pimp king.

Bogeys the sandtrap.

That he did, Spazweez. Hit the jump for more.



You want Honorable Mentions? I got Honorable Mentions. Trying to narrow down 100 entries to the 30 next-to-best was not easy. But I’ll be damned if all of these didn’t make me laugh:







King
Psyz said:

tears spill down tunic
a fallen friend lays near
Malakili weeps

DangU
said:

dang this robot site!
never knew the udder thing
traumatized for life

Quixotico
said:

My name is Chewie.
You can stop this contest now.
Let the Wookiee win.

The Very
Model of a Modern Major General said:

Midochloreans.
One word: my childhood dreams
are killed senselessly

Snath
said:

Now what do you mean
we’re not on the fucking list?
We’re the Modal Nodes!

some
random chick said:

Oh Slave Leia, you
set the bar too high. All men
dream to be Jabba

MaxtotheMax
said:

Luke has two natures.
A crack shot destroys Death Stars,
But those poor womp rats.

Flarn
said:

Chewie stands with them.
The Alliance has a rule.
No pants, no medal.

Rosemary
said:

Little beeping droid
Flew like a leaf on the wind
Probably swearing

PossibleMisnomer
said:

Nice site there, TR.
C3PO said “What’s up?”
He said “lawsuit”, too. 🙂

maachubo
said:

“I Love You” said she
“I Know” said the Pimpmaster
then he got frozen

Shgubgub
said:

Helmets used for drums?
But…but they were stormtroopers!
My God, where’s the heads?

jerry
said:

Lando, you asshole.
Why did you narc on your friends?
You deserve no friends.

Seth
said:

A flame in the snow
The rebellion lies broken
But its heart remains

Spazweez said:

You “altered the deal?”
Screw you, you wheezy douchebag.
My guys are union.

Krakes
said:

The Stormtrooper shoots,
shoots, and shoots, hitting nothing
what zen perfection!

Kali
said:

A worn caution sign
“Halt! Vagina Dentata!”
Sarlacc feeds tonight…

CaffeinatedWriter
said:

Watching slave Leia
Find myself strangely intrigued
First lesbian crush

Declan
said:

In kindergarten
I thought Owen was Luke’s dad.
He was burned alive.

Lincolparadox
said:

Dear Princess Padme,
please ignore Tammy Wynette.
Your man kills babies.

Trace
said:

Execute Order
Sixty-six, but don’t kill the
marketable ones.

David!! said:

Toshi Station have
No refund policy for
Power Converters

Marjorie
said:

Strong and brave leader,
And all they remember is
That damn bikini.

Applesauce
McGee said:

I guess it’s racist
But I wouldn’t want Jawas
Moving in next door.

DCD
said:

George, should we cut film?
I hit my head on the door.
No? Really? Okay.

Drabbler said:


Chief Chirpa taught Han


How to steal Leia’s heart: the


Endor Butterfly.

McCarthy
said:

You just watch yourself
Death sentence on twelve systems
I’ll ruin your shit

Indil said:

Stuck in
carbonite,
Leia could only show love
By dry-humping Han.

emily
said:

good, noble tauntaun
innards like congealed ramen
takes one for the team



You want winners? Not quite yet.

—-

I’m sad to announce the first ever disqualifications for a TR contest. No, these people didn’t not follow the rules, it’s just that I know them and it’s be crappy for me to give ’em a shirt. For instance, Ryan Mecum — who you might remember as the author of Zombie Haiku and the judge of that TR zombie haiku contest — knocked two brilliant SW haiku out of the park:







Ryan Mecum
said:

Young Jabba the Hutt,
when pretty girls call him fat,
wants to chain them up.

 

The Tusken Raiders
love the sounds that Jawas make
when they tickle them.


And if you read any portion of the entries, you know that Chris Ward — my pal from World of WardCrap — fucking killed it. Seriously, if I don’t know the bastard he’d have won hands down. Read ’em and weep:







 

Chris Ward
said:

I could not
have seen
the blue milk I made for Luke
would be the last one

 

Can’t see my own dick
But I’ll play this round keyboard
Badass elephant

 

Finally, my first big break
Irish Jabba in first film
replaced by puppet

 

Can robots feel pain?
It screamed when I burnt his feet
This job is fucked up.

 

OPEN THE BLAST DOOR!!!
GODDAMMIT…I’M NOT JOKING!!!
He thinks it’s a game.

 

What is a chance cube?
Isn’t that the same as dice?
Shut the fuck up then.

 

Nein Numb is my name
Fucking bitches is my game
(If they like catfish)

 

45 Dollars?!
For Mon Mothma’s autograph?
This convention sucks.

 

“Ain’t like dusting
crops?”
Have you ever dusted crops?
Shut the fuck up then

 

Green pig in a pit
Desperately hopes and prays that
Rancor is Jewish

 And that’s not all, because Chris also made what I like to call “The Revenge of Sebastian Shaw Haiku Quintet”:

I’m Sebastian Shaw
The original third ghost
I’ll have my revenge

 

My grandkids still cry
Their pap-pap is now missing
from the scene they loved

 

And so, George, at night
I will possess your fingers
and re-cut the film

 

With force ghosts in tact
And the Ewok song restored
My spirit can rest

 

I’m Sebastian Shaw
The original third ghost
I’ll have my revenge…

…genius. So consider yourself lucky that he wasn’t in the running. Winners, finally, are on the next page.

—-

First up is not the winner I selected, but the People’s Choice. I never deny when large crowds of people speak. I’m very weak-willed like that. At any rate, the people chose Patrick, and I don’t blame them:







Patrick
said:

Leia likes scoundrels
But would sooner kiss Wookies
She’s a dirty girl

 

L.
Calrissian
So smooth he’d seduce your mom
and you wouldn’t care

 

Death Star
Engineer
Will never find work again
Stupid exhaust port

 

The Cantina Band
Are technically Jizz Wailers
I am not joking


Ewoks eat people.
Does this creep anyone out?
Or is it just me?


No, Patrick, it’s not. I actually started preaching the “Ewoks as human eaters” theory beginning back in 1997, and managed to convince the entire ToyFare staff of its veracity in 2001. Preach on, brother.

And now for the winner. Hell, even narrowing down just his best haiku was a challenge. But since he’s mute and trained extensively in Japan, I suppose it’s no real surprise that SnakeEyes22 is a hell of a haiku writer.







SnakeEyes22 said:

Padme would
be here
if spoiled bitch had just bought
Anakin’s slave mom

 

You choke slammed my mom!
Killed kids, blew up Alderran!
I sense good in you…?

 

So, Vader’s my dad?
From a “certain point of view?”
Fuck you, and your ghost.

 

Vader
teabags kids
While busting grooves to Hammer’s tune
at Star Tours’ hell dance

 

CD track title
“Noble End of Qui-Gon-Jinn”
Guess I know who dies

 

R2, what’s this do?

Do tools come out, or go in?


Midget glory hole




The Mos Eisley bar


You can’t miss their awesome band!


They’ve got scrotum heads


Hey there bartender.
Why the robo-racism?
Han just killed a guy!

 

Why is Luke so sad?
He met Ben like, yesterday!
No tears for the Lars

 

Can someone tell me
Why I have a Terrence Stamp
12 inch toy at home?

I can’t, SnakeEyes22. But I can tell you that I’ve asked myself similar questions, usually in bed, in the dark, alone, and maybe crying softly. Well done to everyone who entered, and these people in particular. And remember, please beat me if I ever suggest anything like this ever again.