Zombie Haiku: And the Winners Are…

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(Zombie Haiku author Ryan Mecum, who so generously inspired this week’s contest and donated a couple signed copies of his books, wrote up a little something for the contest, and had his own honorable mentions. I’d be a jerk not to post it. After Mecum’s winners, I post my Mentions and winners, so read the whole post. -Rob)

Rob B. must regret
opening the floodgates for
zombie nerd haikus.

– Chris Ward

Fewer haiku have ever rung so true, Chris. This Zombie Haiku contest led to 850 haiku to be read by poor Chris and me. Of those 850, about 700 included the word “brains”, and it seemed like half of them somehow attempted to combine zombies with Transformer testicles. That being said, your haiku were all fun to read and there were a lot of haiku gems to be found.  I have picked out a few of my favorites, as well as the one zombie haiku I deem The Best Zombie Haiku Written In The Comments Of A Zombie Haiku Themed Post On Topless Robot. First up, here are my two favorite topical themed zombie haiku that deserve special attention:

Michael Jackson’s dead.
Any word on Thriller 2?
What? Is it too soon?
– eenyne
“Zombies on the lawn?
Then try this brand new product,”
bellows Billy Mays.
– Spock-Strap

Too soon, indeed.  However,  they still both had clear zombie haiku structure and imagery, so… HONORABLE MENTION! More mentions and winners after the jump!

These next few haiku were the ones I found very creative, fun, and bizarre… and thus deserve special attention:


Dancer seeking work.
Flawless choreography.
Missing lower jaw.

Zombies all want brainz
Don’ taste so gud akchully
Can haz cheezburger?

To: IP lawyer
Fr: corporate head-hunter
Bon Appetite

Oof! High heel broken.
As they come, my final thought:
Poor choice of footwear.

Xbox champion
Killed many zombies in games
Died to first he met

When they eat us all,
What is left for them to do?
Zombies versus Bears!

Re: ZomBBQ
Flaming car grill provided
Please, bring your own brains.

The smarter the brain,
The more delicious the taste;
I only eat nerds.

Well done! This next batch of zombie haiku I though were the most poetic and deserve special attention for that:

Love your pretty eyes
Holding you tightly dear
As I eat your face

We huddle for warmth
And pray the snow stops monsters
Creeping in the night

The snowflakes flutter
Across the poor fallen soul;
Now I feed again

frail human brain case
crunches like a candy shell
surrounding ice cream

Sometimes I wonder
Will they return to normal
If I bite them back?

“I love you.” “You too.”
“I’ve been bitten.” “Fuck my life.”
“Brains! Brains!” “Die you bitch!”

Poetic zombies.
Tortured just as much undead,
As when they still lived.

Well done to you guys as well, zombie poets.Because each of these zombie haiku brought a tear to my eye, you get an HONORABLE MENTION! And now, my Runner-Up for The Best Zombie Haiku Written In The Comments Of A Zombie Haiku Themed Post On Topless Robot:

This is my haiku.
It includes the word “zombie”.
Where’s my goddamn prize?

Congratulations, eenye!  Your zombie haiku, out of over 850 other zombie haiku, was my SECOND FAVORITE poem, thus you receive this special HONORABLE MENTION!

The zombie upside
is the possibility
of new Beatles songs.
– The Great A’Tuin

Way to go, A’Tuin!  Your zombie haiku had it all!  It was somehow full of hope, life, and optimism… yet still vile, dark, and totally wrong.  Your poem brought a smile to my face and a little throw up in my mouth, which is commonly known in zombie haiku circles as a Zombie Haiku Standing Ovation! Go through the rest of the week knowing that, whatever happens to you, you are a poetry winner on a geeky pop culture blog!

Thanks to everyone who entered a zombie haiku!  If you received an honorable mention, please go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back. If your haiku didn’t win or receive an honorable mention, please know that it secretly was my favorite, but I just wanted to keep that between you and me. Feel free to pat yourself on the back, too. You’ve earned it.
– Ryan Mecum

Ryan Mecum is the author of Zombie Haiku and the upcoming Vampire Haiku. He would like to one day write a book of Cthulhu Haiku, but thinks it would have more of a niche market than a book of haiku about zombies or vampires. He writes haiku all the time, and throws most of them away via his Twitter account.  He checks Topless Robot a few times a day, and wishes there were more posts about snorks.

All right kids, regular daddy is back. Hit the jump for my mentions and winner.


Sorry, about Regular Daddy doesn’t have to coddle you all with nice words, so here’s my picks for Honorable Mentions without any fanfare:

ticknart said:
brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains

Bowlingpete said:
Not superficial
Not after attractiveness
I value your brains

Mount_Prion said:
Max Brooks wrote a book
About how to fight us off
But we’ve learned to fly

mwatson4 said:
The zombies can run
Not what Romero promised
Thank God for fat kids

CM said:
I’ve checked the bottle.
Tide removes the stains of blood.
It does not do brains.

becks said:
go ahead and run
they’re coming for you barbara
there is no escape

Ben Crawshaw said:
Where is my chainsaw?
Heads will roll as well as limbs,
On this bloody night.

impgazer said:
They are coming for me
Locked myself in my room
They won’t find me here

forester said:
I must eat your flesh
There is nothing I can do
It must be eaten

Erm said:
Flesh falls, still we walk
Organs fail, still we hunger
We are undying, undead

Dillon said:
Sometimes I wonder
Will they return to normal
If I bite them back?

Yoggie said:
“Here take this,” he said.
I hefted the shotgun fast.
“I will come back here.”

chapka said:
If zombies look sad
when they see a pretty girl,
it’s because they’re dead.

Erelas RyAlcar said:
Hands claw bafflingly
Stumbling, moaning, eyes protrude
Blood drips lividly

JDProuty said:
my zombie lover
your kisses so deep that they
take my brains away

JiggleWhat?! said:
sorry I pushed you
to the floor when the dead came
deaf to all your pleas

Dullard said:
Argh I’m full of rage
I’m dead but I’m so damn fast
Wait I’m no zombie

Indil said:
I don’t understand
Why people call it moaning,
I’m singing with joy!

-mk said:
Build the barricades
assemble all our weapons
prepare for the night

poptart13 said:
i just want your brains
please, let me eat them because
you’re not using them

mia said:
though my legs are whole
and they go very slowly
how did they catch me?

talley said:
Wait, what’s that out there?
Do I hear shuffling feet?
I guess it was noth-

sykishi said:
I saw them eat her
There was nothing i could do
Don’t look for your mum

rotten issues said:
cracking her ribs in
our quick embrace, one last lust,
as plagues in us aches.

Urban Literati said:
Up from quiet grave.
No heaven. No hell. Just me,
alone and hungry.

hollowedout said:
Your eyes keep moving
but I’ve just cut off your head
man that’s fucking cool

Hugo said:
Soldiers storming into the mansion
tonight we feast
On the bodies of fallen S.T.A.R.S

Adam said:
Because I love you
That’s why you have to let me

Andrea said:
Like cherry blossoms
Gently falls the ichor from
My extremities.

Sean said:
They return from graves
“Send more paramedics! BRAINS!”
Nuke ’em all to hell.

I kind of hate you all for being
so awesome, because it means I’m almost certainly going to have to do more haiku contests in the future despite how badly they cut into my drunken Xbox time. Sigh. But now for my winner, and the second owner of a Zombie Haiku book signed by the author, Torso777 (and a TR shirt).

I love you so much
If you get bit I will kill,
You without a thought

This haiku is dark, beautiful, sad, and best of all, according to Torso777, “Torso777 said:
Inspired by something my wife has told me.” Everything about that is totally fucking awesome. As always, I’d like to thank you all for playing and especially Ryan Mecum for donating copies of his book and reading 850 of your ridiculous haiku. If you want, you can check out more about his Zombie Haiku book here, and order the book itself from Amazon here for a mere $10. If you had a good time entering or reading the entries to this contest, I don’t know why you wouldn’t. It’s just like this, but wit more bloodstains.

Also, please note that I have a few new boxes of TR shirts coming in the next few weeks, so you’re not going to run out of chances to win. Also, since I’ve done haiku contests on zombies and robots, I’m kind of thinking I need to complete the nerd quadfecta and do pirates and ninjas next. What do you guys think?