Miscellaneous

Best Fictional Couple: And the Winners Are…

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?YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. I should too, frankly. I mean, it was obvious to me about 30 minutes after I began last Friday’s TR contest — whilst blinded by the sweet zombie-love between Noble and Claudia — that you horrible little bastards were only interested in breaking each other’s minds (which is okay) and/or the characters you’d like to watch have sex, and not anything approaching what actual characters could have a functional relationship together. You know where this road leads? It leads to Fan Fiction Friday, you monsters. Commenter Longbowhunter saw the evil early:

longbowhunter said:

You sick fucks…this entire contest has made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. We’re all dangerously close to becoming that which we have so often mocked….sure we’ve all laughed at Fan Fiction Fridays,but now I’m starting to suspect that it was a laughter tinged with envy…..ADMIT IT!!!!! You all secretly want to write stories where Scrooge McDuck gets fucked up the ass by Megatron in gun-mode while Care Bears have a circle jerk in the corner which ends with Smurfs drowning in Care Bear jizz. Whos responsible this indeed?????

There’s clearly a reason that so much erotic fan fiction exists on the internet, and now guess what? YOU’RE PART OF THE PROBLEM. And I am too for naively starting this contest in the first place. If there were any serious entries in the nigh 300 comments, it was hard to tell amidst all the madness, so I chose the best argued relationship and the one that was most insane. The only silver lining is that there were a lot of great Honorable Mentions, thanks to people refusing to play by rules. So enjoy those on the next page, but then get back to being properly ashamed.



The “honorable” mentions.


caprica jason said:

Does the “no spin-off” rule preclude me from suggesting Starbuck (original BSG) and Starbuck (RDM re-imagining)? If not, then may I suggest Starbuck and Starbuck? They’re both brash, confident, cigar-smoking viper pilots, after all (and the fact that they’re, uhhh, the same character probably bodes well for the narcissism).

? said:

A sandworm from “Dune” and a Sarlacc Pit from “Star Wars”. Yeah, it’s kind of crass but… yeah…

The Great A’Tuin IS RESPONSIBLE THIS said:

Odd: Cthulu/Papa Smurf. Sensical: Cthulu/Edward McTwilightguy, because Edward deserves to be raped by Cthulu for all eternity. People used to respect vampires.

Kiri said:

Why, Waldo and Carmen Sandiego, of course! They’ll find a place together where we’ll never find them.

Thunder said:

Stargirl (JSA, DC Comics) and Captain America (Marvel Comics). She’s 18 nowadays, can you imagine how patriotic the sex would be?

shoe said:

gotta go with cookie monster and carnage (from the marvel universe). I also must point out that in this relationship cookie monster is clearly the dominant one, and his clear addiction to cookies (and the self destructive behavior that it fuels) cause carnage a significant amount of worry. Their relationship almost ended after cookie monster went berserk in a cookie rampage, but carnage decided that he was one of the few people that really could get through to cookie monster and get him the help he so desperately needs.
so far, all attempts have failed and the frequent abuse is pushing poor carnage further and further into despair and isolation.

Jerry said:

Love-a-Lot Bear and Darryl Revok from Scanners. That way they can hold hands, skip across the country, and explode people’s heads with their stares.

RobP said:

Kiri, Kiri, Kiri. Didn’t you hear? Waldo is actually Carmen San Diego’s gay best friend. She’s his beard. Carmen is actually dating the farmer from Oregon Trail. After his entire family died of typhoid, he hooked up with Carmen when she traveled back in time in Where in Time is Carmen San Diego. They’re very happy together, so far. He’s so busy tending to the crops and just trying to survive that he doesn’t mind (or notice) when Carmen disappears for days, weeks, decades for a time. He’s just happy to have someone to talk and lie with on Sunday ’round noon-time, on speshul ‘caisions. For her part, Carmen likes the space she gets and the scenery when she sees him. Plus, the farmer is great in the sack and hung like a pack mule.

CaptainLoquacious said:

Entry #1 for me is going to have to be Soundwave (Transformers G1) and Dazzler (Marvel). Think about it. It’s perfect! She needs sound to have any powers, so he just busts out some hip beats and they’re good to go! Plus, when she gets tired, he just transforms and starts playing Marvin Gaye and she’s up and at them! …This site has ruined me.

Meddler said:

Captain Marvel and… Captain Marvel. You know, DC/Marvel? Billy Batson/Monica Rambeau? Not only would it be wonderfully confusing to two universes worth of continuity, but it would also be a bastion of goodwill between the two eternally warring companies. Plus, Captain Marvel could keep her last name…and rank. Is that how marriage works? I really have no idea.

shoe said:

I’m going to go with Treebeard the ent from LotR and the Raping Tree from evil dead. There is no way that this isn’t the most perfect pair ever. Treebeard is the ancient elderly protector of the forest, whose love for trees know no bounds and the raping tree, well, it rapes people. but just think of all the dendrophilic fun they would have in the bedroom. it would bring new meaning to the phrase “old growth wood”.

Chelsea said:

Fox Mulder and Veronica Mars. Oh my god, all the investigative genius going on here is totally unmatchable. I don’t even care if they’re romantically involved. They’d be the best partners ever. Plus, the snark! I can’t even stand how amazing that would be. They’d leave no case unsolved and be sexy and hilarious while doing it

kowzilla said:

Michaelangelo (of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”) and Pizza the Hutt (of “Spaceballs”) would make a lovely, yet star-crossed couple. Theirs would be a torrid romance, the sort that can only end dramatically and tragically. Michaelangelo would one day awake with no memory of the previous night, and pizza sauce covering his hands.

AmbroseKalifornia said:

Snake-Eyes and Solid Snake. …But not in a gay way. Like a Viking.

Marjorie said:

Animal from The Muppet Show and Samantha from Sex and the City. Finally they’d find someone who could match their libidos.

Hollowedout said:

Count Chocula and Buffy the vampire Slayer… well just trying to keep in my festive mood! Plus this would turn Buffy’s milk chocolaty! WHAAAA HUH????? That would be one YUMMY MUMMY ALL OVER!!!!

Coconut Monkey said:

I really didn’t want to get into slash fiction, but I would have to say Max Headroom and Fortess Maximus (Transformers). We all know that Fortress Maximus turned into a city as well as many other things, but he was also the first headmaster. Meaning he had no head of his own.

Kayla said:

KIRBY & THE GIANT FUCKING SQUID.
You know, Squiddy, fresh from fucking Hogwarts? Or Hogwarts itself. Maybe Kirby has that silly eating fetish. Where he gets all tight in his …[pants?] over having some fresh calamari or brick. And Hogwarts also has the eating fetish thing? But at least Squiddy has multiple appendages, he can sacrifice one to the good of the coitus. Right?

[Also,] LINK & PEACH.
Yes, he’s a princess-saving emo elf dude. Yes, she’s a princess like Zelda. But at least when they do it Luigi isn’t in a corner and all you see/hear is the ember from a cigarette cherry and his deep Italian exhalations. I bet you when Luigi finally breaks one off in the corner do to his voyeurism and his inability to lay Peach himself, or rather, any female, he jumps quite hilariously in victory. Couldn’t you see it? Yippeee! and jumps like a buffoon. And Link is in MUCH better shape than a plumber. People who fuck plumbers they just met are only suitable in pornos.

Aramea said:

Any of the smurfs + Any of the coneheads. You know, of course, that this is how the snorks came about.

mojo said:

Big chested ’80s April O’ Neil from the 80’s TMNT, with the More reasonably chested ’00s April O’ Neil from the newer TMNT. Which could possibly happen in that ’80s Turtles-meets-’00s Turtles movie coming out. Everyone here would buy a copy then.

LealahLupin3 said:

For my second entry: The Great Will of the Macrocosm from Excel Saga and The King of All Cosmos from Katamari Damacy. Together they can rule and remake the world! And Macrocosm probably couldn’t rape the King of All Cosmos like she does with Pedro…

MaxtotheMax said:

Madame Masque (Iron Man villain) and Snake Eyes from the accursed movie. First off, they both have sculpted masks with inexplicable lips on them. Second, imagine that emotionless sex. Between the lack of expressions and one missing voice, it would be like two mannequins screwing, with a tape recorder inside one.

DragonaFireis said:

The Topless Robot with Aquaman. Their love could never be consummated. Because it would probably electrocute them. And, Aquaman’s gay. For fish.

Anonymous said:

Leia Skywalker and Indiana Jones… oh wait

Winners on the next page.

—-

So here we are, ready to name the winners when we lost so much during this contest. I’ll start with the most sensible relationship, which I award to this entry for 1) being the most thorough, well-thought argument, and 2) being one of the very few entries that didn’t mex sex explicitly or implicitly.


SafetyDance101 said:

I’m throwing my hat in the ring for Marvin (Paranoid Android of HHGttG) and Marvel’s Deadpool. They’re perfectly suited and I’ll tell you why:
1. Issue Resolution
One of sources of Marvin’s pessimism and depression is his inability to make full or even significant use of his godly reasoning capabilities. Deadpool on the other hand likes the feel of the wind between his ass cheeks as he jumps off a cliff armless. Whether it be trying to fathom Deadpool’s acions, helping him come up with coherent plans out of
his happy-go-retard ideas, or just picking up the pieces, Marvin’s time and mental energy will be plenty occupied. Meanwhile, Deadpool gets a helping hand pre and post throwdown (not that he needs it or doesn’t like both sides of an ass-kicking, but he won’t object to cutting down the healing/planning/non-action space between fights)
2. Stoicism/Impertinence Dynamic
Deadpool in many ways is a sixth grade boy with ADHD, a keg full of meth, and a treasure chest full of torture/action porn dvds. If he doesn’t kill (or get killed by) his potential mate, then he or she will be driven away posthaste. Marvin has an incredible capacity for patience and will use Deadpool’s “special status” as fuel for his superiority complex. Deadpool in turn gets to goad Marvin closer to his non-existent breaking point for eternity.
3. Symbiotic Abuse Cycle
Deadpool’s probably closer to Alabama Man than to Edward Cullins so his partner’s gonna take it in the chin from time to time, which in this instance works. Deadpool gets an immortal punching bag, while Marvin gets justification for his misynthropy, endless self-pity and complaining. His plight might be enough to draw in others who voluntarily listen to his bitching out of sympathy.
4. Humor/World View
Both possess an eerily similar worldview, even if their reactions and orientation to that world vary greatly. They will also appreciate each other’s fondness for sarcasm and abusive put-downs (Deadpool might even be able to pick up some barbs to save for others). If their relationship even hits the rocks, they have this much to fall back on.
5. Physical Attractiveness
Neither of them are lookers, and neither seem to be shooting for the stars when it comes to partners. Besides, science proves the people (and for the purposes of this rant robots and mutant-esque people) tend to gravitate to people of similar attractiveness. Boom.
6. Technology
Marvin has experience with constructing and maintaining interstellar vehicles, which means Deadpool can travel through space without special, plot-specific circumstances; thus gaining harassment access to a subset of the comic catalogue that was a least partially off limits. Finally he can fly up to Galactus and laugh at his hat.
And I demand that C3PO perform the ceremony just so we can all watch the two of them drive him to depressed suicide.

Well put, SafetyDance101. And thank you for explaining how a mutant and robot can be long-time friends and partners without having to have a fictional sex life, which would have been terrifying. Shudder: Now for the one that made me laugh the hardest, although that laugh did very quickly turn into a shrieking sob:

GustoGummi said:

Yoda from Star Wars and Aughra from The Dark Crystal. This may be the best match. Could there be a better pair of warped, shrunken, shriveled, waddling little seers in in any galaxy? They both serve the same archetypal figure of guidance in there respective movies and both have ridiculous and formulaic speech impediments unique unto themselves. Add to that they were both (originally) represented by badass Jim Henson puppets AND Frank Oz was both the voice of Yoda but was the puppeteer for Aughra. Plus, as far we know they are the last of their individual species (assuming my theory that Yaddle is Yoda in drag) making the need for procreation all the more necessary; and who knows, maybe they have compatible biological makeups through the use of some force/crystal magic. While the idea of them copulating is soul-crushing, it is hilarious to envision a group of baby Yodas toddling around like shaven, painted mogwais and baby Aughras stumbling into each other and stealing each others eyeballs. and oh how the lot of them would grunt like little piglets.

It’s the piggy noises that slays me every time, because I wonder if GustoGummi is talking about the babies, but he doesn’t specify, so he might be talking about Yoda and Aughra grunting too, and that would most likely happen during their horrible copulation, AND OH GOD HE’S MADE ME THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN AAAAAAAAAAA

A very faint congrats to the winners and honorable mentions, and a heaping pile of shame on everyone involved in this tragedy. I’ll know better next time, hopefully.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.