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Klingons for Christ


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?I very much apologize for forgetting who sent this to me, but I have a new favorite website of all time: Klingons for Christ Jesus. Yes, men and women who love Klingons, those lovably chicken-torso-skulled warrior aliens from Star Trek who are also devout followers of Jesus.

You might be wondering how a Klingon, who lives for battle, can reconcile himself with noted pacifist Jesus. Rest assured they are ready to answer your query:

Is the image of Christ as the humble and suffering servant compatible with Klingon attitudes? More to the point, how would a Klingon warrior react to the fragile, demure, and subjugated figure of Christ hanging upon a cross? Ah! Of course a Klingon would reject such a figure, presented as it has been by countless Renaissance artists and Sunday School teachers over the years.

But that is not the true picture of Christ. Christ was a robust and strong man, capable of fashioning a whip out of cords and using it to drive the corrupt moneychangers out of the temple area, all the while overturning heavy tables. He went fishing at a time when fishing was hard labor indeed. But this pales in comparison to his endurance and courage at the end of his life.

After enduring the taunts of his captors, their beating him with fists, being trundled roughly from one judge to another, Christ is beaten close to death with a Roman flagellum, a whip with each leather lash weighted with a heavy piece of metal, or sometimes bone, that would rip into flesh, bruise the muscle, and then tear the flesh as it was pulled away. After stretching him on a pole so that his skin was taut, the flagellum was used by a trained Roman guard to flay his skin from his back. People often died from this abuse, but Christ survived.

Jesus was then pinned to this rough wooden cross, which undoubtedly opened his back wounds again. Through each wrist, a large iron spike was hammered. Medical experts conjecture that this was done mostly to cause unendurable pain, for the nail would surely pierce the radial nerve, causing a burning pain throughout the arm and shoulder and chest. The Roman guards, well-trained and adept at causing maximum suffering, would put another spike through the front of both feet.

To the Klingon, this illustrates a feature of Christ’s personality that is often neglected. The Klingon Rite of Ascension requires that the initiate walk between two rows of warriors armed with pain sticks. This is sometimes called The Way of Blood. It is a test of a warrior’s commitment and courage. Christ satisfied this requirement and much, much more. And this act was no punishment for a criminal, as the Romans intended, nor was it a rite that had only a symbolic meaning.

Christ did not run from this pain; he welcomed it. His sacrifice was an act of will. In this crucifixion, Christ defeated his enemies. And this is what makes him a suitable savior for the Klingon as well as the human and all races.

Yes, Jesus wasn’t crucified as much as he just was undergoing the Klingon Rite of Ascension, which, it must be pointed out, he passed with flying fucking colors — and on the third day, he came back to enact a violent revenge, tearing the Romans limb from limb and bathing in their blood (I think I missed that day in Sunday school).

Now, these guys do have a lot of Bible verses backing up their warrior ways, and to their credit, they are from the  New Testament (Old Testament would have been too easy). Admittedly, it’s mostly Paul talking about fighting minions of Satan, not Romulans, but maybe it got lost in the translation somwhere. Overall, my favorite line from the site is this:

Indeed, Klingons
accept the teachings of Christ as part of a warrior tradition. Christ brings not
peace, but a sword. And this batlh’etlh is a sword of honor
indeed!

Hee hee hee! If you go over there, don’t give these knuckleknobs a hard time; just look around. I mean, since both of their affiliations — Christians and Klingons — certainly these these guys are insane, they’ve got a hard enough time of it as it.