Spider-Man 4 No More


?THIS JUST IN: Sony executives have just gotten back from a meeting with Mephisto, the prince of darkness, where the two parties have agreed to a mutually beneficial partnership. Mephisto, lord of lies, has agreed to reset Sony’s lucrative Spider-Man movie franchise, effectively canceling Spider-Man 4 and erasing all three previous movies and their contents, including Peter Parker’s relationship with Mary Jane. In exchange for this service, director Sam Raimi and actor Tobey Maguire will no longer be attached to the project, and cast into a burning lake of fire for all eterntity. John Malkovich, who claimed to be playing the Vulture in Spider-Man 4 just this past weekend, will have his eyes pecked out by real vultures for his lies, only to have them grow back again… and then eaten by vultures again, repeating for eternity. Sony executives must also sacrifice five infants to Mephisto by 2011, the tentative date for the new Spider-Man movie reboot.

In related news, Aunt May is fine and cooking wheatcakes, whatever the fuck they are. (Via Everybody)