Spider-Man 4 No More
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?THIS JUST IN: Sony executives have just gotten back from a meeting with Mephisto, the prince of darkness, where the two parties have agreed to a mutually beneficial partnership. Mephisto, lord of lies, has agreed to reset Sony’s lucrative Spider-Man movie franchise, effectively canceling Spider-Man 4 and erasing all three previous movies and their contents, including Peter Parker’s relationship with Mary Jane. In exchange for this service, director Sam Raimi and actor Tobey Maguire will no longer be attached to the project, and cast into a burning lake of fire for all eterntity. John Malkovich, who claimed to be playing the Vulture in Spider-Man 4 just this past weekend, will have his eyes pecked out by real vultures for his lies, only to have them grow back again… and then eaten by vultures again, repeating for eternity. Sony executives must also sacrifice five infants to Mephisto by 2011, the tentative date for the new Spider-Man movie reboot.
In related news, Aunt May is fine and cooking wheatcakes, whatever the fuck they are. (Via Everybody)
About The Author
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.