“Sometimes, I think the writers of Heroes were out of coffee when they wrote a scene. ‘Write anything man. We’ve gotta make a beans run!'” — @cathyccaughan
“Heroes is still on? Really? Seriously?” — @TheKimSchneider
“Oh my god. I’m literally shaking with rage at how stupid Heroes was tonight.” — @ToplessRobot
These are just a few of the anti-Heroes sentiments that can be found on Twitter each time a new episode of NBC’s once acclaimed superhero show airs. It hasn’t always been this way — NBC literally handed us a comic book on TV four years ago, and nerds and critics alike rejoiced. But after that one wonderful season, Heroes has squandered all of its nerdy good will with three seasons of some of the worst writing on television, combining boredom, one-dimensional characters, and total inconsistency in new but generally unwatchable ways. And yet, no matter how much it sucks, we keep watching the damn show. Alas, much like Heroes‘ “mysteries,” the reasons why aren’t really that mysterious. Now, with the last episode of season 4 — and possibly the series finale as well — airing tonight, here are seven.
7) We’re Nerds
Heroes relies heavily on geeky references and inside jokes. “Lolz they just made fun of Red Hulk!” “OMG they referenced the space-time continuum!!” So when you notice Peter’s apartment number is the same as the address for Xavier’s school or see that Kaito Nakamura’s license plate is the same as the USS Enterprise registry number, that’s a powerful enticement. And let’s not forget the countless celebrity cameos from other sci-fi franchises that have appeared on the show. Besides the occasional drops in the bucket like Smallville or Big Bang Theory, geeks aren’t normally catered to like Heroes does on the small screen.
6) Claire Bennet
?She blonde. She’s perky. She’s a cheerleader. What else is there to know? Sure she’s annoying, sure she’s got the tiniest hands known to man, but that doesn’t mean you didn’t want to date/be her in high school. And now that the writers have heavily suggested she’s bisexual? Well, with that little gem they’ve guaranteed an audience for at least another couple of seasons.
5) Hot Actors
?Milo Ventimiglia, Ali Larter, Sendhil Ramamurthy, Brea Grant, Adrian Pasdar, David Anders — I could go on and on. As a general rule you have to be good looking to become an actor. No one wants to watch a show full of ugly people, right? You may have your own opinions on who’s hot or not, but Heroes has a beautiful cast and odds are, if you wish you could bang just one of them, you’ll watch the show. I for one would love to be in the middle of a Linderman/Samuel sandwich. Stop judging me.
?I mean really, just how bad can this show get? It’s like watching a car accident. It’s horrific, but you just can’t look away. The writers have gone mad with power. “We’ve got a cast of fifteen, let’s bring in MORE actors!” and “Oh, that character inexplicably disappeared for four episodes. Here he is again. Remember what he was doing? No? That’s okay, neither do we!” are just a few things I imagine coming out of their mouths during meetings. From killing off characters with amazing potential to changing the rules of how powers work for each episodes singular benefit, the writers have become experts at screwing up a good thing. Hey, remember that Irish girl Peter stranded in the future? They wish you wouldn’t.
?Once Heroes‘ most interesting character, the villainous Sylar has been ruined with constant parental issues (seriously, he’s had more mommy and daddy issues than he’s had actual mommies and daddies) and switching randomly between good and evil. Each week, what’s left of Heroes‘ audience tunes in to see if this is the week he’ll finally come to his senses and murders them all. So far, nada. Sigh.
It ain’t just a river in Egypt folks. I know it’s hard to think that far back but Heroes used to be good. Really. Season one had 14 million viewers a week! A faithful fan recently told me, “I feel like Heroes is an abusive spouse.” Heroes promises it will stop being so horrible and you believe it because it says it cares about you. The creators say, “We’ve fired so-an-so!” or “We’ve hired so-and-so! We promise this season will be back to awesome!” But it’s not and yet we find ourselves helplessly coming back for more. If you’re ashamed to admit you still watch (“Heroes? Nah man, I stopped watching after Season 1.”), blame yourself for the quality of the show (“Maybe I just don’t get it.”) or think Heroes will find its way back to its former glory, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. One season of cool and three seasons of suck does not equal a show you should still be watching.
1) Future Hiro
?“Save the cheerleader, save the world” — the catchphrase that started it all was said to Peter by Future Hiro early on in Season 1. This Hiro spoke perfect English, carried a sword and rocked a ponytail and a soulpatch. He was totally badass — and for the last three seasons, he’s been totally absent. Regular Hiro has made exactly no progression to becoming Future Hiro in all these episodes; in fact, he hasn’t even gotten any better at English. Instead of being cool, Hiro has been stuck in medieval Japan, lost his memory, lost his powers, reverted to being a child, lost his powers again, reverted to being some kind of idiot nerd savant — none of which was even slightly badass. If there’s any one thing that sums up Heroes’ total failure to live up to its promise in season one, it’s Future Hiro — the character every Heroes fan wanted to see, and hasn’t been so much as glimpsed since that first season. Will we ever get to see Future Hiro in action for real? I wouldn’t put money on it. But can we at least get him to stop passing out every other episode? Please?