Most Feared Headlines: And the Winners Are…

bay boll pattinson.jpg

I believe TR commenter DoctorSmashy assessed it best; judging by the 500+ comments in last weekend’s TR contest, the most hated people in nerd-dom are Uwe Boll, Michael Bay and Robert Pattinson. Basically, half of the entries were taking popular nerd properties and replacing the directors with Boll or Bay, and the male leads with Pattinson (actually, I don’t mind him; he clearly hates Twilight and hates that he’s starring in it, so he can’t be all bad, right?). Anyways, it was impossible to differentiate all those entries, but I still managed to find some that were worth honorably mentioning. I’m just going to put them on the next page rather than take up 1/2 of the front.

Honorable Mentions!

Thing said:

Nickelback proven to exist by scientists, blows up Death Star

DoctorSmashy said:

Seconds Before Lost Season Finale Airs, ABC Broadcasting Stations All Over The World Suddenly Combust. In Related News, Rob Bricken Breaks Hand After Punching Through TV Screen

Danicus Spamicus Decimus Meridius said:

After actually meeting you, Batman decides not to become your best friend

This_Charming_Man said:

Smallville starts its centennial 100th season. Tom Welling stars as Clark Kent in this historical record breaking show about the man that would become Superman.
Synopsis for season premiere: Lois Lane, Clark’s last remaining friend dies at the hands of Clark’s self aware barn. Meanwhile in Metropolis, a rich stranger from Gotham City purchases Daily Planet…

Neuronin said:

“MTV Announces ‘Dune: The Series,’ A Modern, Tween-Oriented Take On Classic Sci-Fi Novel” – mostly to be about how hard it is to find hair gel on Arrakis

kana said:

“Thousands of Avatar Fans Become Furries and Join Brickhousebunny21 in Their Love for Yiffstar. Rob Bricken and 28% of TR Fans Found Dead in Semen-Encrusted Fox Suits”

keepoffthegrass said: gets bought out by! the horror. the horror.

Moncynnes said:

“Month-long Twilight convention to be held at your house. P.S. Pattinson likes foot rubs and breakfast in bed.”

Scipio said:

Frank Miller to Take Over Production of “Batman: The Brave and The Bold”, Camp now replaced with a half hour of whores and Batman fighting congress

Frost said:

Man Travels Back In Time From 31st Century: Informs World That Slurm Will Not Actually Exist, But Nixon’s Head Will Indeed Be President.

shoe said:

New Scientific Discovery: Nerdery Found to Cause Penis Cancer in 100% of cases

Border Reiver said:

Stephanie Meyer Buys rights to Hammer’s Dracula Series – “Now Christoper Lee will sparkle the way he should.”

Snoodle said:

“NBC Renews ‘Heroes’ for a Fifth Season.”

DoctorSmashy said:

David Bowie Dies In Massive Car Pile-Up; Cast Of High School Musical Release ‘Space Oddity’ Cover To Honour Fallen Star
Bowie Cover Proves So Successful With 8-12 Year Olds That Disney Channel Buys Rights To All Bowie Records With Plans To ‘Add A Little Disney Magic To Those Dated Songs’

Ordinary Gentleman said:

Gundam Wing slated to be made into a live-action film…directed by Diablo Cody. Duo Maxwell played by Michael Cera. Newest movie-exclusive Gundam titled “Dude, Chillax-Gundam” which is in the shape of a giant hamburger-phone

fishman2020 said:

After two very successful years, Mattel unexpectedly cancels their Masters of the Universe Classics line due to complaints from one Rob Bricken, fans outrage

Grimmie said:

Actors Alan Tudyk and Nathan Fillion counted among dozens in critical condition after being implanted with Cryptophallus polyps. Top Fox executives and legendary director James Cameron, who were visiting the set just minutes prior to the incident, were miraculously spared.

Hapablab said:

They are actually pretty boring

Grenadier said:

“Lego Plastic Syndrome” discovered; impurity in plastic will cause all Lego bricks worldwide to disintegrate by 2012.

FireKraken said:

“Anti-Gang Taskforce Raids Another Dungeons and Dragons Safehouse, Opens +10 Can of Whoop-Ass on Pants-Shitting Members of the Reported Criminal Enterprise.”
Authorities, coming under fire for extreme measures used in the apprehension of suspected gang members, have toted the success of their methods as justification for them. Operations “Drop that F#@king Dice or Die!” has so far netted 1,400 associates of the gang (including 15 Elf Sages) inspired by the popular* Dungeons and Dragons series, which in at least one case has been linked to a violent bludgeoning death. Task force members report that no such crime has been committed since their operation has been launched. Along with the arrests, the task force has confiscated 4,396 capes, 15,684 bags of Cheetoes, 977 inhalers, and over 450,000 sheets wortth of elaborated mathematical equations presumeably written as a form of code in furtherance of their criminal activity. The proported success of this program has many higher-ups considering similar action against “Magic: The Gathering” groups, which were added to the watchlist following the criminal designation of the aforementioned group. [* citation needed]

Mount_Prion said:

Scientology Proven to be Fact, Tom Cruise Elected Space-Pope

Sorry for picking so many that mention my horrible death or me fucking up horribly, but what can I
say? They amused me. Now for the winners, and I’ll explain why I like each of them afterwards:

Lord Alvarez said:

Man commissioned to create first fully functional lightsaber, dies in automobile accident. Takes secrets to his grave.

Matt L. said:

The Jim Henson workshop closes doors forever. Classic Muppet characters will now only appear in CGI for all future films/TV appearences.
When approached by Disney to concept the “new and improved” Muppets, the entire Pixar executive staff committed suicide.
Dreamworks has stepped up to head both future Muppet studios and Pixar projects.

Tom Wu said:


Lord Alvarez created a exceedingly unrealistic fictional situation that would basically crush the souls of every nerds across the planet; Matt L. created a far too realistic fictional situation that would do the same. I get chills down my spine reading both entries. But Tom Wu created what I think would hands-down be the worst headline I could ever run on TR — nothing else would be so inane, so inappropriate, so insulting to you readers, so indicative that I’d totally fucking lost all relevance and potential entertainment value by writing an article about how grown-ups like comics now, and titling it “WHAM, BOP, POW!” Except, of course, for titling anything anime-related “turning Japanese.” Thanks for entering, everyone.