Fictional Character Assassination: And the Winners Are…


?GODDAMN YOU GREEDY MONKEYS. 622 entries? You’re making me do something that’s dangerously approaching work. If you have the time, go read the original entries — truly we would be the marauders of the entertainment world if TR readers all had one bullet — but otherwise let’s skip the pleasantries and get right to the Honorable Mentions:


Man, I was going to check this list to see how long it would take someone to beat me to Jar Jar, and lo and behold, it’s number one. So if there’s a different character, I vote for Anyone Ever Portrayed By Ali Larter on Heroes.

DCD said:

Greedo, because shooting first is always the best idea.

tetrisdork said:

I would go all the way back in time, back to Sonic 2, and kill Tails. If he didn’t exist, there would be no supporting cast for the Sonic series. Ever.

Whoever said:

Batty, the fruit bat from Ferngully. Why? Because no one should have to experience Robin Williams rapping.

Yakko said:

Aunt May. I know, it’s not the first name that comes to mind, but bear with me. She’s constantly keeping Peter in a state of arrested development: every time he seems to get his shit together she has a stroke or near death experience and he drops everything to spend ALL his money on the problem. So Peter’s always broke, and the angst flows like bitter wine. So… I’m going to do Peter a solid and cap the battleaxe. Since it’s a magical bullet, it will prevent Pete from pussing out again and Mephisto-ing the old buzzard back into the world. It’s time to move on, Spidey.

Theda said:

Elmo. Anybody who has watched Sesame Street in recent years knows that he has taken over the show. And the only monster that I want at the end of my book is Grover.

JTtheConqueror said:

I would assassinate Glass Joe from Punch-Out! I do this out of the kindness of my heart however. He never wins ever. I have no idea what he did to be punished by Little Mac over and over. His record is 0-99. Why does he keep fighting? I would probably be given a peace prize for ending the torture.

DoctorSmashy said:

This is a pretty grim contest [but]I don’t even have to think about it. I’ve had this whole thing pictured in my mind since I was a kid. I would assassinate Wally.
That’s right, Wally (or Waldo to you Americans) from the Where’s Wally books. I’d trace him all around the world, looking for that little stripy bobble hat poking out of the crowd. Through all the museums, jungles and other bizzare and conveniently crowded places he’d lead me through. I’d avoid all the dud Wallys dressed in red and white stripes. I’d find his cane, and his camera and I’d know I was close.
Then, just as he thinks he’s lost me in the fairground, just as he relaxes and comes out of hiding, he’d see me in the distance at the top of the Ferris Wheel, grinning at him through the scope of a sniper rifle. And before he could even call for help from his Wally Watchers, I’d have pulled the trigger and popped him right between the eyes, splitting his glasses in two and staining the lenses with his blood.
‘There’s Wally, motherfucker.’ And I’d take the hat as a goddamn trophy.

Flash Fact said:

Tamox. Then I’ll sit back and laugh as I watch Xamot pick up he pieces of his shattered life.

Shgubgub said:

The American Astro Boy. Just because Japan gives us only awesome, and we shit on their Mickey Mouse.

intothenight said:

The dog from Duck Hunt, the NES game that takes up some extra space on the Super Mario Brothers cartridge. Every time I miss a duck, he laughs at me. Never laugh at someone who’s still got a round in the chamber, mutt. It might be the last thing you ever do.

Unfairman said:

Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin. After I did the deed, I would look slyly into the camera and say “Fuck you.”

Tyler said:

I would kill Loyal-Heart, the Care Bear Cousin. You all know why.

LadySheeana said:

Nathan Patrell– OH SHIT TOO LATE

This is only part 1, since, you know, THERE 622 FUCKING ENTRIES. Part 2 and the winners are after the jump.

Part 2: Honorable Bugaloo.

RemySIms said:

I would kill Short Round from Temple of Doom. I hate that little fucker. Boxes on his feet, cheating at cards and always, ALWAYS yelling. Although, mind you, not as much yelling as Willie Scott. But Kate Capshaw is kinda hot, so…
PLUS, seriously? I don’t care how much kung fu you know, kid, you ain’t taking down any of those Thuggee guards with your little boy kicks. Adding kids to movies where they don’t belong is death.

LealahLupin3 said:

Sasuke. Fucking emo-kid. The decline of Naruto can be tracked by how much of a moron emo-kid that Sasuke is at any point of the series.

Strangeman said:

I’d assassinate Princess Peach for the people of the Mushroom Kingdom. She’s basically Paris Hilton in pixelated form: blonde and useless. The entire kingdom is overrun with goombas and koopa paratroopas, and she won’t even mobilize a millitia to deal with the problem. Plus she’s constantly being kidnapped. You would imagine she could dip into the royal treasury and hire a guard or two, but she’s too busy getting her hair done. Plus she’s a cock-tease. Do you think Mario ever gets more than a kiss on the cheek? No. Plus she’s cheating on him with his brother, Luigi. She’s never going to settle down with Mario. She’s never going to make him prince, but he still has to rescue her every single time. And she wasn’t even good enough to be playable character in the Super Mario Wii game!
So kill the Princess and let Mario take over command of the Mushroom Kingdom, in the name of progress.

kalyarn said:

I’d point my gun and waste that Reaver moments before he can fire the final harpoon into Serenity’s cockpit.

Blaise said:

I’d kill Bella from Twilight and frame Jacob for it. Edward would off Jacob in his quest for revenge and then fall into a spiraling depression when he came to grips with the fact that his ultimate revenge against the twiwolf did nothing to bring Bella back. Edward would then stake himself in an attempt to join his twoo luv in the afterlife. This would effectively eliminate from existence a banal storyline that pollutes vampires (and minds) everywhere and also possibly restore sanity to the twitard who I think had a wee on our library’s copy of the first Twilight book. No, really, it smells of wee. I’m convinced someone tried to mark her territory on Edward.

Jacen said:

Drizzt Do’Urden. I hate him more than I hate Bonita Prime. I hate him more than I hate Lucas. I hate him more than I hate Jar Jar Binks. I hate his author. I hate his fans. Can the next contest be to write a horrid, horrid FFF about the winners of this contest? Oh and I especially forgot that I hate his apostrophie. Sorry, rage is blocking brain functions.

RoyDemarco said:

The first Navi ever on Pandora, then all the unobtanium would be mine, ALL MINE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

lou-bert vs. q-bert said:

The Kid who got sucked into the movie from Last Action Hero. A *child* finally has a golden opportunity to be a real person in a world of fantasy, but does he go along for the ride? NO!! EVERYTHING he does for the better part of his “visit” is try to convince the Arnold aka Jack Slater character that he’s not real and actually IN A FUCKING MOVIE!!! OH, how I wanted Jack to shoot this kid in the face.

Sarah replied to radar:

Even after you kill Batman he’ll come back from the dead, write crazy shit on a cave wall, travel through time, then beat the shit out you.

whatsmyhouse said:

Melkor in the Silmarillion. One Bomb to tool them all motherfucker that bitch is gonna get nuked. Once hes dead then it’s wood-elf harems and fine sylvan wine for all.

ExecutorElassus said:

Ryu, from Ninja Gaiden. Because I spent the better part of my childhood screaming at that damn game, yelling at my little sister for disturbing me, and eventually driving my parents to take my Nintendo away. All because that asshole couldn’t jump that chasm.

Fidgety said:

Dear Nasonex Bee,
Listen up, you creepy bastard. I don’t like you. In fact, you’ve given me two or three hundred nightmares, and I’m holding a grudge because of it. I suppose I could get over it if you weren’t such a piss-poor spokesorganism, but since your vomit-inducing fake accent is making Ricardo Montalban rotate endlessly in his gave, it isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
First of all, you change your relative size almost constantly. Other than being annoying, it strikes so much terror into the depths of my heart that I probably need to be treated for post-traumatic stress disorder. One minute, you’re the dimensions you should be, specifically when you’re hanging out around the Nasonex bottle. But then you go buzzing off and — HOLY CRAP! YOU’RE AS BIG AS THAT GUY’S HEAD! If you came flying at me like that, I wouldn’t hesitate to retrieve the baseball bat-insecticide-launcher (blueprint to follow on a subsequent letter) that I have fashioned especially for the day you hunt me down and beat the hell out of your allergy medicine-hawking ass.
By the way, bees can’t talk. Their respiratory systems aren’t hooked up to their mouths. That’s why they dance, you poser. And where are your pollen baskets? Some bee you are. The queen would stab you repeatedly for your insolence.

Reverend Ender said:

Matty Mattel. Screw me out of Trap Jaw and Battle Cat, will you? One Magic Bullet to that smug freckled dome. Done.

RobRobot said:

Okay, I’m going to nominate a character someone else has above but for different reasons – PRINCESS from Super Mario Bros, specifically Mario Kart on the SNES.
I have played a lot of video games in my time but never, ever, before or since has another character in a game infuriated me so much.
No matter what you do, no matter how good your race is, she is always right fucking there. In her pink little dress and her fancy tiara. It didn’t matter how many red shells you fired into her stupid face, she would always be there to pip you at the post by a split second.
No other game, no other character has ever made me scream so loudly and so long at the television than Princess. She is single-handedly responsible for the destruction of at least 2 game controllers. She also made 13 year old me tell my mum to fuck off when she asked me to calm down mid-rant one long, rainy weekend. So it’s also her fault that I got grounded for two weeks.
Fuck you, Princess. With a red shell. In the face.

SuperOceanLad said:

Does the female orgasm count as a fictional character?

Raze said:

Gary Oak a.k.a the biggest cock block in all of videogames. Fuck him. Dude is a superior douche, even in defeat, actually especially in defeat, and you know that’s where all the other antagonists from the other generations got it from. A ten year old with a convertable and a harem of bitches. That shit’s messed up. As soon as he “convieniently” makes a move for the pokemon that “happens” to have the type advantage over the one I just picked, I’ll shoot him in the stomach and watch him slowly bleed out. I’ll tell him I’ll “smell him later” just before the light leave his eyes. Then I’m taking all three starters and whatever else is in the lab. With his grandson splattered across the floor, Oak ain’t doin’ shit to stop me. Old man expects me to catch ’em all(something he failed to do when he was yound btw) but won’t tell me where in the game he gets all those rare ones? Fuck him, too. And his dead lineage. Vindictiveness, I choose you!

All made me giggle or were clever ideas or had swell reasons for their brutal, merciless deaths. It wasn’t easy picking three winners, but I did manage it.

The Jennyfur said:

E.T. Why? Because the first time I saw that stupid movie when I was little, it gave me nightmares and I ran into my parent’s room and saw them having sex. Therefore, he is the most traumatizing fictional character EVER.

As a child also terrified by E.T., I was already partial to killing that creepy bastard, but this… this is too much. I know a TR shirt won’t heal the pain in your soul, Jennyfur, but at the very least it will be something to soak up your tears in the night.

Shannman Lives said:

In the movie Ghostbusters, at the end, just before the guys go into the building to confront Gozer, there is a guy in the crowd with bright red hair. He is bouncing around like a lunatic in one scene, then is leaning over the rail, calling out to Ghostbusters as they pass by. You can’t not see him, and he just ruins that scene. I’d shoot him. Twice. In the crotch.

This is about the nerdiest thing I’ve ever heard, and I love it. To hate a movie character with zero lines and no importance, to fixate on him, and to want to kill him above all other fictional characters? Amazing. And very, very nerdy. Shirt for Shannman, and hopefully he’ll get psychological help somewhere.

Ominouri said:

I’d kill Jabba the Hut. Why? Because no Jabba means no Slave Leia. That’s right. NO SLAVE LEIA. I’m sick of this fetish crap, it’s gone on for far too long. The first time I saw Leia I thought wow, a smart, take-charge action film heroine on par with her male counterparts. She was as much a part of her rescue as her rescuers, she was the first person to match wits with Han, she stood up to Vader, and was in intrigral part of rebel high command. Even in the slave scenes I saw her a someone made to be a sexualized object, only to turn the tables on her objectifier and take him out when no one in the galaxy apparently was able or ballsy enough to. But apparently this impression was lost on the broader fanbase which reacted in a collective, “WHOA BEWBS!” And so that became her legacy. Luke restored the Jedi order, redeemed Vader, and was an intrigral part of balancing the force; Vader was the ultimate evil badass ideal who later sacrificed himself for peace; Han was a slick, badass, man’s man. And Leia? She’s Luke’s sister, Vader’s daughter, Han’s plus one, and OMG GOLD BINIKI!!!! If there’s anything prime-time commercial have taught me, it’s that erections lasting more than 4 hours should be checked out by a doctor, this one has gone on for almost thirty years. Let it go. Or better yet crank one out to “Leia” as she appears in 2010, and see if any of you will ever be able to find your penises after that. So if killing the space slug is all it takes to restore a sci-fi feminist icon to her rightful place and away from the sweaty palms of hyper-ventillating nerds, then so be it. Hell, I’ll climb on top of the bastard myself and salt him to death with my rage-filled tears.

I’m certainly pro-Slave Leia, but I appreciate Ominouri’s unique choice and sound reasoning. Plus, Ominouri gets bonus points for taking such an unpopular position and justifying it so well. Still, if someone sends me a video of someone dressed a Slave Leia pouring whipped cream over herself, I’m posting that shit in a heartbeat. Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered, even I also kind of hate you.