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Fan Fiction Friday: Star Wars EU’s Lumiya in “The Bitch Must Pay”

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MaraJadeVsLumiya.jpg

?There are things you need to know about this week’s FFF. First and foremost, it’s not about Luminara Unduli, a Jedi who appears in bits of the prequels. In fact, this is all about “Dark Lady of the Sith” Lumiya, an evil lady who joined the Rebel Alliance as a spy under Vader’s order, became half cyborg at some point, and turned Han Solo Leia’s kid Jacen — from those wacky Expanded Universe novels — evil in general and into Darth Caedus in specific. And here’s the important bit, as least in terms of this fan fic — ol’ evil Jacen Solo killed fan-favorite character Mara Jade (Luke’s wife) under Lumiya’s influence.

And author Kate Spiegel is pissed.

She is furious with Lumiya (right in the pic above) for killing off her beloved Mara Jade (left) even though she didn’t do it personally. Her only way to properly express this anger is with an elaborate fan fic where Lumiya goes to hell after Luke Skywalker kills her (the killing part is in the EU books, actually) and, well, I’ll let her explain it:

If you are a Lumiya Fan (Does she actually have any? Just kidding, um,
maybe not.)or a Star Wars fan that doesn’t want to see humiliation,
bestiality, torture, monster sex, Demon Sex, more bestiality, or raping
tentacles, S&M, visions of Hell, Orochimaru sympathizing, swearing,
corn raping, Anko and Orochimaru doing it on Jacen’s bloodied corpse
(That could be a joke.), stuff inspired by that heavy metal show on
Adult Swim, and demon births in Star Wars, turn back now. If you had
read Sacrifice already, you can read it, but if you didn’t, stay away
until you read the book. Or if you hate and despise the Star Wars EU
read it anyway, if you want too. Curiosity is a magnificent thing isn’t
it? Come on, you know you want to! Mara fans, don’t ya want to see ya
girl avenged?

Not all of that actually happens, and Naruto characters don’t actually show up (sadly). But I think you get the gist. Shall we?

Lumiya, the Dark Lady of the Sith, a vile cybernetic piece of shit that
was once a human female named Shira Brie laid dead in a cave. Oh how
fitting for that piece of crap. Her head was lying a few inches away
from her body; Grand Master Luke Skywalker had lopped it off. “I can’t
believe that I had you as a girlfriend! What the fuck was I thinking!”
Well, that’s what she got for the killing of his wife Mara. Although,
Lumiya didn’t kill Mara, she was responsible though. Although, the one
who casts judgment among the dead, let’s call her Queen Yun decided to
toss her worthless ass into Hell for all the vile things she had done in
the past.

But before she took the happy trip to Hell, she was to stand before a
jury of 3 people she knew. She was to be given The Baseball Test. If
three people she knew liked her, she’d go to to the afterlife. But if
the 3 people struck her out, she’d be sent to Hell.

Hell has stupid names for things. But I guess that’s why it’s hell.

Anakin Skywalker crossed his arms and shouted; “I’m not your master, I
won’t save you, I should have let you die. I’m such a retard! I’m a
big fat retard! So just do me a favor and go to Hell!”

Admittedly, it’s pretty satisfying to imaging Anakin screaming this, for a multitude of reasons.

Mara Skywalker who was dressed as a Death God/Soul Reaper like the one
who has the big boobs snorted; “You ruined my life, I’ll never get to
see my son grow up, I’ll never fuck Luke until he dies, and you had to
tell that idiot Jacen about the stupid Sith. So do us all a favor and
go to Hell you bitch!”

Fuck Luke until he dies? Where the hell is that FFF?

Flint, a former dark lord who turned to good, only to get killed by her.
“You suck and you sucked in bed too! Go to Hell you big ugly cunt!”

Lady Jaye’s going to be pissed.

“There you have it Shira, stupid skank! Three strikes and yer out!
You’re going straight to Hell!” Queen Yun in all her glory sent that
good for nothing piece of trash to Hell and the crowd cheered.

Lumiya was stripped of her powers, her cybernetic parts, and such. She
was dirty and naked, that meant she was defenseless against anything
that came her way. She was now among the lost in Hell. It was cold and
filthy there was nothing but darkness, fire, and smog. She walked
along jagged rocks, hearing the cries of lost souls. Her green eyes
scanned for familiar faces or creatures that wanted to eat her soul or
just wanted her pussy. Suddenly she heard something slimy coming
towards her pretty quickly. Behind her was a gelatinous green demon
that seemed to be in the shape of a one eyed octopus. She looked at it
and smirked. “What is that thing going to do to me, I may have no
weapons or powers, but I can kick its butt.”

“Such an arrogant slut you are!” The demon said, “You will be perfect
here in Hell.”

Lumiya snorted; “Oh, so what are you going to do with me?”

“I’m gonna make you mah bitch!” The demon laughed as his tentacles shot
out, two around her wrists, two around her legs, one around her waist.

Lumiya was pinned against a rock wall, her legs spread open wide. “No!
What are you doing! I’m the dark lady of the Sith, you release me at
once!”

Lumiya seems to be having a hard time grasping this “in hell” concept.

“Fuck off you worthless whore! We don’t care who the fuck you are! Now
it’s time to shut your fucking mouth!” The demon forced another
tentacle into her mouth and down her throat, filling it with foul
disgusting slime. “Suck it! Suck it and enjoy it you scunt!”

Lumiya had no choice but to swallow it, it was dreadfully disgusting.
The demon suddenly opened it’s mouth and it’s long icky tongue started
stroking her body, covering her in saliva. The tongue massaged her
breasts, then went down to her pussy where he began to lick it. Lumiya
spat out the tentacle in her mouth and screamed; “No! Stop it! Stop
it!” Lumiya wanted to cry, she was being broken slowly, but surely.

“You taste pretty good.” The demon said as he withdrew his tongue. “This
will please my brethren very much. You see when male dark Jedi come
down here, they are punished to roam in this darkness, also they get the
usual fire and brimstone every hour, also a good pitchfork to the ass
when needed. But when a dark lady comes down here, she is tortured,
humiliated, violated, and impregnated. Yes, new demons are born every
day to punish those who do evil.”

Women also only get paid 80% of what men make in hell, too.

Lumiya’s eyes widened, she did not want to be the mother of this thing
or any things offspring. “No! No! I will not be used as a toy for your
enjoyment! Release me at once!”

“Mmm, such fire, we’ll like that a lot down here.” The demon touched
her face and coaxed her. “Oh don’t worry it won’t be so bad, you’ll get
used to it after a while, soon it will be like an ordinary routine.”

Within seconds the demon whipped out two huge erect penis-like tentacles
that were filled with hot sticky glowing green fluid. Lumiya closed
her eyes as the tentacles entered her anus and vagina. His seed was
burning hot and it flowed into her womb. Her stomach began to glow
green and she felt the tentacles slide in and out of slowly. Then the
demon started to speed up, she was screaming in pain as her insides were
being tortured. Her orgasms were loud and she started to cum bright
green. “That’s it you little cunt, louder!” The demon’s tongue lapped
up her cum with delight. “You taste so sweet, I’m going to tell my
friends how sweet and easy you are. We are going to have a good time
with you!”

Do you think tentacle rapist demons have their own Facebook for this sort of thing? For telling each other about particularly rapeable women who have come down to hell? I bet they do. And I bet the “poke” feature is totally different.

Lumiya screamed once more and passed out, the demon withdrew his
tentacles and left her in a puddle of his semen and slime. “Oh what a
pity and I wanted to have some more fun with you. You were good, now my
lady there will be more demons to come.”

Lumiya awoke a few minutes after the demon had gone, her insides hurt
and she found her belly bight green and swollen. She felt something or
somethings growing inside of her. Her skin got green and slimey,
tentacles grew out of her body, she was turning into something like that
demon. She shivered as she suddenly lost her humanity, actually, she
was just losing her mind, it was just a hellish illusion. She was
pretty normal physically, but totally fucked up mentally. Suddenly she
started to go into labor, then she began to push. A huge glob of
greenish yellow goo was ejected from her vagina. Milk leaked from her
normal breasts that grew pretty large.

I wouldn’t put it in the top 10, but “Her Normal Breasts” would make a pretty good band name.

Lumiya screamed as she saw small
wriggling octopus-like demons crawling out of her. She couldn’t take
it anymore, so she just passed out as the young demons quietly suckled
from her.

End of Chapter One, Oh, did I not tell you that this was only the beginning of Lumiya’s four-chapter punishment? Yes, getting raped by a demon and having its offspring is only the appetizer to Kate Spiegel’s full-course rape meal of revenge. After all, she did kill Mara Jade, a fictional Star Wars character who didn’t even show up in the movies. Settle in, this is going to take a while.

After the young demons that she bore left her on the ground and she got
her mind together. Lumiya decided to get back up on her feet. Her
insides were aching from what that demon did to her. It had been two
days since she’s been in Hell and it was no picnic or garden party.

In case your picnics and garden parties involve a great deal of demonic rape and you were confused in Lumiya was still in hell or not.

She
was cold, naked, and filthy, not to mention she was also raped and had
given birth to some slimy green demons. She walked slowly and carefully
this time looking into the shadows. She looked around the pillars of
rock, on her way she had seen lost souls. Souls that were dark and
hollow, just like her.

Then came the footsteps, it sounded like two or three, maybe four. She
looked back and saw a group of demons coming at her. A pig-like demon
shouted; “There’s the bitch!”

“Get her!” One said.

“She’ll be great entertainment tonight in the arena!” Another one
shouted.

…the sex arena?

Lumiya ran as fast as she could even in her somewhat weakened state.
She fled into a cavern, where she bumped into a familiar face in
tattered old robes. “Master Palpatine, you must help me!”

Palpatine turned around to face her, still the same old wrinkled and
pale face. But she had looked closely, he also had scars, and not to
mention that his eyes were gouged out, and his lids were sewn shut with
barbed wire. “Who is this? It can’t be that backstabbing Mara Jade, I
know I heard your voice somewhere before.”

The shocked Lumiya gasped. “It’s Lumiya, well, Shira. Master what did
they do to you?”

Lumiya’s constant surprise that they punish people in hell is cracking me up.

Palpatine cackled; “This is what you get when you abuse your power! I am
getting an eternity of misery, I’m blind and I have no hands.” He
raised his arms revealing pale stumps. “Soon, they’ll take away my mouth
and then I won’t scream for when the beatings come. I’ll have no mouth
when I’ll scream. Not to mention that I get pitchforks to the ass and
white hot brimstone raining upon me, it burns, it burns so bad.”

“But chicks get raped by octopus demons and have demon babies on their first day, so I really lucked out by being a dude.”

Lumiya started crying; “Oh master, you were the greatest, they shouldn’t
do that to you. You should be ruling this place with an iron fist!”

“Kun rules this place!” Palpatine laughed at her. “I mean shit down
here, they don’t give a flying fuck who the hell you are and besides,
you are one ignorant slut. I don’t know what that stupid Anakin was
thinking when he let your sorry ass live. Your philosophy on the Sith
is bullshit! Get away from me you crazy bitch!”

Lumiya shivered; “Master!”

Palpatine spat on her. “I am no ones master! I am no one! I am
nothingness, just like you!”

The demons suddenly rushed in and grabbed her wrists. “Master help me!”
She screamed.

Palpatine turned not to look at her. “Go away!” Then a ring of demons
surrounded Palpatine and started poking him with pitchforks.

Suddenly the demons carried him off. “We are bringing you to our
Satanic Majesty to have your mouth removed for punishment!”

Mick Jagger?

“Master! How dare you abandon me!” She screamed, before one of the
demons covered her mouth with a cloth, then she was tossed over his
shoulder like a sack of dirt.

She was carried to an arena filled with the souls of the dead, good and
bad. Anakin Skywalker, Queen Yun, Flint, Mara Jade Skywalker and a
living woman in white wearing a white coolie and a veil that covered her
face except for yellow snake like eyes. They all sat together in a box
seat. The crowd cheered as she was tossed onto the ground. Around her
were thousands of souls, and down below were certain contraptions of
torture.

What? She’s wearing a coolie? No wonder this chick’s in hell; she’s so racist she’s wearing a Chinese person while also calling him a racial slur. Insult to injury, lady. Anyways, that’s end of Chapter 2. But Spike’s not done yet — there’s plenty more in store for Lumiya on the next page.

—-

The gag was taken off of Lumiya’s mouth, she began to curse the audience
with the same old crap she usually spews. “I don’t belong here! I’m
the dark lady of the Sith! Treat me with respect!”

Lumiya. Hell. You’re in hell. Get the fuck over yourself.

The audience laughed at her. “Oh we’re so sorry Milady but we don’t
care!” Mocked one man. Soon they began to throw rotten food at her as
the all heckled her some more. “Look at that sorry thing all dirty and
naked!”

Then they all began to chant in unison. “Torture the whore! Torture the
whore!”

Two tall muscular red demons lifted her up by her arms and legs and took
her over to a wooden wall with shackles. They chained her there,
leaving her legs wide open.

“You want to do it to her first before the big show?” Asked one demon.

“Sure, you go first.” Said the other demon. “What about a demon
sandwich?”

The other nodded, “Oh yeah, I like your style.”

The demon took off his loincloth and out came his large red dick.
Lumiya shivered as the other one was naked and came in back of her. The
one in back entered her and so did the one in front. She screamed,
moaned, and cried as the demons rammed into her, licking her breasts,
biting, and clawing her. They were not gentle, not the least gentle.
They took turns over and over again, forcing their cocks in her mouth,
and licking her insides. After the demons had their way with her, the
audience cheered as they left.

So not a gentle double-penetration rape by demons then. Got it.

Warily she looked to the a gate in the wall of the arena, something was
roaring. Suddenly the gate opened and out charged a Rancor coming
towards her.

What does a rancor have to do to go to hell? I mean, is a rancor instrinsically evil? Does he eat people just to feed or does he know he’s murdering people, and does it anyways? I wouldn’t have thought rancors understood right from wrong; if that’s true, does that mean he just committed crimes against other rancors? Holy shit even I want to beat me up for thinking about this.

Lumiya screamed as the creature hovered over her, it started licking her
body and stuck it’s tongue in her vagina, massaging it. A demon on the
side of the wall turned a crank spreading her legs wider. Lumiya shook
her head as the rancor unsheathed his barbed pink torpedo sized cock.
The audience cheered as the huge cock entered her vagina. Lumiya
screamed and cried as the rancor scraped her insides, then withdrew his
dick. The two demons turned her over on her belly. She felt the
rancor enter her from behind and she screamed once again. The audience
cheered louder and the rancor roared in delight. Soon it was over and
the rancor was taken back to it’s cave.

Incidentally, Rape by Rancor would be a pretty swell name for a Star Wars-themed death metal band.

Lumiya was taken down from the wooden wall and thrown into a muddy pit.

A demonic ringmaster took the stage and bellowed. “The fun is far from
over ladies and gentlemen. We are not done with this useless piece of
trash! Let her wallow in the mud like the pig she is! Let her mate
with a pig!”

Dude. I don’t want to tell you your job or anything, but shouldn’t you have had Lumiya be raped by the pig before the rancor? I mean, you could probably put half the damn pig in her and she wouldn’t even feel anything at this point. I’m just saying. It seems like poor rape planning on your part.

Lumiya got on her hands and knees in the mud, beside her was a wild pig.
The ringmaster grabbed her face in his green clawed hand. “You should
mate with your own kind.”

The crowd cheered and chanted. “Mate! Mate! Mate!”

Lumiya spat in his face, the demon wiped it on his hand then licked it.
He grabbed her by the hair and slapped her in the face, stomped on her
back and kicked her in the ribs. “Assume the position you bitch! The
people here paid good money and you better give them a good show! We
want to hear you squeal!”

I actually thought Lumiya spit in the pig’s face for a minute, and I was actually kind of offended. Then I realized that this was the first time in this story I had been offended by anything, and I realized something is terribly, terribly wrong with me. And I had a stiff drink.

“Fuck you.” She spat.

The demon locked the pen and the wild pig mounted Lumiya. The pig
spilled it’s seed inside her as it squealed in joy, then bit her neck.
“Squeal! We want you to squeal like a pig!” The demon shouted and the
audience cheered. “Squeal for your beloved husband, you whore bride!”

Lumiya began to squeal as the pig pumped inside her more. This made the
audience more aroused and the demon laughed, all the demons laughed.
After she hit her climax the pig left her and scampered out of the pen.

Just love ’em and leave ’em. Man, pigs are such pigs.

Lumiya was dragged out of the mud her hands were tied with rope. She
was poked, prodded, and beaten, whipped numerous times. Demons poked
their fingers in the wounds and twisted them with delight. Then came
the hot candle wax in the wounds, Lumiya screamed in pain. Then hot
pokers and pitchforks up the ass, being dragged along broken glass by a
leash around her neck. Her toe and finger nails being pulled out by
tweezers. She passed out until the ringmaster demon grabbed her by the
hair and dumped her in an icy cold pool of water. “Don’t pass out on us
now, we’re waiting for the grand finale!”

…the sex finale? I bet it is! Let Chapter 4 commence!

After the cold water bath the demons picked Lumiya up and threw her into
a shallow pool of rancid water about three feet deep. The brown water
contained fecal matter and waste. It smelled putrid, Lumiya wondered
what was going to come next. Another gate opened and something swam
out. An eyeball emerged from the depths, a Dianoga. Lumiya felt a
tentacle wrap around her neck as she was lifted out of the muck. While
two other tentacles wrapped around her legs and spread them apart.

“Not this again.” She muttered.

“Not this again,” muttered all the TR readers.

The Dianoga stuck another tentacle in her mouth and she sucked it. The
creature roared as it stuck the rest of it’s tentacles inside her anus
and vagina. The audience cheered as the creature had it’s way with her
and when she became half Dianoga. It lowered her into the muck and
plowed into her even faster. A tear rolled down her cheek, no one felt
pity for this fallen Jedi, this Sith bitch. After 30 minutes the
Dianoga retreated, leaving her in the waste. More heckling and rotten
food was thrown at her.

The demon ringmaster said. “The show will be ending soon, but we have a
Hutt, a Hell Dragon, and the creature that harbors the most evil ever.
It’s our high exalted Satanic Master and his Queen Aleema. Well, she’ll
be watching.”

Lumiya shivered, “High Exalted Satanic Master?”

The demons lifted her from the muck put a collar around her neck
attached to a leash and threw her on a dais where Jabba the Hutt sat.
The hutt grabbed the leash then began to lick her with his disgusting
tongue, as the tip of his tail entered her ruined cunt, secreting some
hot oily liquid in her. The crowds laughed and cheered. Jabba removed
his tail and tongue from her and bellowed. “Dance for me you slut!” He
took out a riding crop and whipped her. “Dance for me!”

Goddammit. Lucas puts Jabba the Hutt in EVERYTHING.

Lumiya got off the dais and started dancing around like a raving idiotic
retard. The audience threw more stuff at her. “Look at the whore, she can’t
dance!”

Well, that’s just mean.

After the dance recital here in Hell, she was dragged off to a Hell
Dragon that ravished her to no end with a dick that was about the size
of an A-Bomb. It rammed into her fast and furious, it’s tongue in her
mouth, then her vagina. He suckled her breasts and licked her all over.

See? You save the biggest dick for last. So pig, then rancor, then Hell Demon. That’s just common rape sense.

Soon it was time for the finale, Lumiya, all filthy covered in her
blood, cum, slime, semen, urine, shit, candle wax, marks from a whip,
burn marks, and saliva. Her red hair was matted, green eyes that showed
determination were now sad looking. Her face was bruised and she stank
to high heaven a place where she’ll never get to.

Hey, where’s the corn? I was promised “corn raping.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the underworld and the netherworld, I give you a
being of pure evil. The final and last creature is Man! That great man
is our unholy ruler, Exar Kun!” The evil ringmaster opened a curtain and
out came Exar Kun, wearing nothing but a little black loincloth.

I was really pulling for Jagger, but oh well. For those who don’t know, Exar Kun is an evil Sith Lord from the Knights of the Old Republic expanded universe stuff, although his ghost has fucked with Luke a few times post-Return of the Jedi. It doesn’t really matter.

Exar Kun one of the oldest dark lords, he was brutal and cruel. Purest
of all pure evil, not even a drop of humanity in him, just raw,
beautiful, evil. Lumiya had heard of him from her backstabbing, two
faced, idiotic, ignorant, fucktard of a teacher. Maybe he’ll have some
pity on her and maybe not.

Gee. I wonder. Odds of the super evil Sith Lord/king of hell taking pity on Lumiya? Any takers?

Exar grabbed a whip, a riding crop, two long strips of fabric, not to
mention a knife, a lit candle, a string with spiked balls on it, and
handcuffs. He went over to Lumiya, grabbed her by the hair. “You
arrogant skank, you’re not worthy to be in my presence! Your existence
disgusts me! It disgusts me to no end, you are really a worthless piece
of shit!”

“Fuck you!” She spat.

“Don’t worry bitch, we’ll get to that part soon enough!” He began
punching her in the face, then threw her down and whipped her all over.
He handcuffed her to a pole and whipped her some more as he laughed.
He grabbed the knife and slashed her breasts, her abdomen, and her ass.
He took the lit candle and began burning her with it, then poured the
hot wax in the wounds. “Submit to me and call me master!”

“Never!” She hissed.

Exar punched her in the stomach, kicked her in the ribs, smashed her
head against the pole. The crowd roared as he inserted the balled
string inside of her, then pulled it quickly out. Lumiya cried again,
that’s when he pimp slapped her hard across the face. He took the
riding crop in his hand as he lowered her down and mounted her. He
forced his engorged 12 inch dick in her bloodied, but still tight ass
and rode her hard. He slapped her buttocks hard with the riding crop.
“That’s it, now scream for me! Submit to me and call me Master!”

“Yes Master!” Lumiya screamed hard as he assaulted her some more.

He pulled out and urinated on her, not to mention that he also shit on
her too. He uncuffed her and threw her to the ground. “Get on your
hands and knees! I want you to suck my dick and enjoy it! Enjoy it like
you enjoyed being a demon’s fuck toy!”

Lumiya nodded; “I enjoy being a demon’s fuck toy master. I love being
fucked by demons and having their babies. I am a worthless piece of
shit, I am a whore, skank, scunt, slut, bitch, trollop, flophouse toy,
bimbo, and cunt.” She took Exar’s dick and began sucking it, swallowing
down his jiz.

…”flophouse toy”? Someone needs to update her thesaurus.

Exar withdrew and kicked her to the ground. “Now it’s time for an encore
that you’ll never forget!” He waved his hand over Lumiya and her belly
began to grow large. The audience was silent as she went into labor and
birthed a hideous monster. It had the claws and horns of a demon, the
body of a Rancor, the tail of a Hell Dragon, the skin of a Hutt, the
legs and hooves of a Wild Pig, tentacles of a Dianoga, and a head of a
human man that looked a lot like Exar Kun.

Huh.

Lumiya shivered in terror; “Oh shit!”

Well said.

The thing turned around, unsheathed it’s huge razor sharp barbed penis
and started fucking her brutally. Lumiya screamed for mercy as it began
to suckle her breast and nip her everywhere.

“Now that is just sickening folks.” The demonic ringmaster said.

Lumiya cried and pleaded to stop this, yes, she was an immoral bitch
with no regard for human life, but she had to pay! The bitch must pay!
The demon hybrid was very brutal, after he finally fucked her to no
end, he left the broken woman in the dirt and walked off.

The crowd gave a standing o, then departed.

They also did the wave, which was how people in hell showed they had seen a great rape.

A few days after, Lumiya found herself alone in a cage, Exar Kun was
staring at her from the other side. “What are you going to do to me now?
There is nothing left, I learned my lesson, so what are you going to
do to me now, let more demons fuck me so they can impregnate me again
and let their offspring impregnate me, then let the vicious cycle start
all over again or maybe you’ll just cut off my hands, gouge out my eyes,
remove my mouth?”

“Nah, we decided that you are no longer needed, but don’t worry about
the demons. Aleema and the other dark women can please them, they don’t
mind. So we’re just going to have you erased from existence.” He said
as he walked away and laughed. “Oh and by the way, you sucked badly
last night! Worthless shit whore!

In Lumiya’s defense, I don’t do my best sex work either when I’m cut with knives and urinated upon.

Lumiya was now a broken down whore that no one wanted. The demons got
her dressed in the finest silks. She was now back in the arena. There
was a big crowd, “This is a present from the author!”

“I am avenging Mara Jade Skywalker! The Hottie of Star Wars!” The
woman in white reveals herself as Kate Spiegel dressed as Orochimaru,
the psycho Steve Blum Fan grabbed a Kunai knife and threw it into
Lumiya’s face. Then she unsheathed the Kusanagi Sword and plunged into
Lumiya’s chest.

Oh shit. The author has come to hell. This is happening. And I’m sure voice actor Steve Blum is honored to be a part of this.

The woman vanished in a puff of smoke. “Now a final gift from Mara Jade
Skywalker, Jedi and Soul Reaper Apprentice! Release the Hollow!” Exar
Kun shouted.

And now Mara Jade is posthumously a Soul Reaper from Bleach. Fantastic. Although god help me if I wouldn’t read about all the dead Star Wars characters becoming Soul Reapers and fucking their way through Soul Society. That sounds amazing. Especially if Yoda has some tequila.

“Bye you ungrateful slut! That’s what you get for fucking around with
me, Hobag!” Mara Jade Skywalker blew a raspberry at Lumiya and gave her
the bird before she flew back to Soul Society.

A RASPBERRY AND THE FINGER? NOOOOOOOO HASN’T THIS WOMAN SUFFERED ENOUGH

Lumiya looked up at the sky and saw a pair of white hands open it wide.
Suddenly, she saw the black monster with the white mask hover over her.
It grabbed her and swallowed her whole, the crowd cheered once more.

Well, payment’s a bitch, ain’t it.

Um, yes. I suppose it is. So is killing off a fictional character beloved by people who write erotic fan fiction, apparently. Lesson learned. And I hope you all learned a little something about proper rape order.

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About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.