?“I’m the best at what I do and what I do ain’t very nice” says Wolverine at almost every opportunity. While unclear on what he actually does, this mission statement is abundantly clear that Wolverine is the best at it, whatever it might be. Since being a superhero should probably be considered “very nice” — I mean, it involves beating bad guys but also rescuing people, thwarting evil, et cetera — we can technically rule that out.
Many Marvel heroes aren’t just defined by their superhero status or their powers; they’ve also got other interests and aspects of their personality that define them far more than their costumes. For instance, Nightcrawler is a teleporting mutant and member of the X-Men, but he is also a priest. Maybe. Actually, that’s kind of a confusing subject. But the point is, many of the Marvel superheroes have jobs outside of their duties as superhumans — some of whom are good at them, some of whom aren’t. So this list is a look at who you might want to hire and who you should stay away from if you suddenly ended up running a temp agency in the Marvel Universe.
Daily List suggested by Zach.
THE BEST AT WHAT THEY DO:
5) Northstar: Professional Skier, Celebrity Spokesman
?Even before Jean-Paul Beaubier developed his mutant powers, he was a pretty damn good skier. But after Jean-Paul learned he had super speed and became Northstar, he was unbeatable. Northstar used his abilities to win a gold medal for Canada in Olympic skiing. He became a huge celebrity in his homeland and a member of the Canadian super hero team Alpha Flight. Even after the world learned that Northstar won from pretty much cheating, he remained famous, performing exhibition runs at ski resorts and founding his own line of ski equipment and ski wear. Although the world hates and fears mutants in general, things have worked out pretty well for Jean-Paul.
4) Daredevil and She-Hulk: Lawyers (Tie)
?It’s not surprising that a person who would be interested in fighting crime in their evenings might also be very interested in the law. But what is unusual in both She-Hulk’s and Daredevil’s case is that the two were both lawyers before they decided to become superheroes. Matt Murdock’s enhanced senses as Daredevil allow him to know when people are lying to him under deposition, which should give him a slight edge over She-Hulk as a lawyer. But since Murdock has been disbarred more times than She-Hulk, we’re going to go ahead and call it a draw.
3) Iron Man: Weapons Designer, Inventor
?Everyone knew Tony Stark was smart, but when he emerged after being held captive in a cave with a new way to keep his heart beating and a set of experimental armor, well…that’s taking things to a new level. If you have to stop the Hulk, keep guard at The Vault, or even ride in a floating aircraft carrier, you’re going to need Stark technology. All of his success calls for a toast, but that may not be the best thing for Tony, so instead, just keep feeding his massively narcissistic ego.
2) The Black Panther: King of Wakanda
?T’Challa, the Black Panther, is the king of the African nation of Wakanda. Wakanda is a vibrant country, technologically advanced and the only place on the planet where you can obtain the alien metal Vibranium. Under T’Challa’s watch, no one has successfully been able to invade Wakanda, including the Skrulls. T’Challa also had the good sense to not let Wakanda get wrapped up in Tony Stark’s Illuminati or the Super Hero Civil War. But probably the best thing Black Panther has done as king was to marry Storm. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but that load is a little lighter when you can share it with a smoking hot, weather-controlling African goddess.
1) Wolverine: Human Weapon
?Wolverine is the best there is at what he does, but what he does isn’t very pretty. Everyone from the Canadian army, Hydra, S.H.I.E.L.D., and even Cyclops’ black ops X-Force team has used the former James Howlett as a soldier. And they’ve all discovered that any time you point Wolverine at a target, you’re all but guaranteed a high body count (and a sizable boost in issue sales).
Alas, not every Marvel hero is as competent at their extra-curricular pursuits — the 5 Worst are on the next page.
5) Mr. Fantastic: Inventor
?Reed Richards is the smartest man in the entire Marvel Universe. Which makes it kind of weird to see him defined by his mistakes. Reed is inadvertently responsible for the death of one of his best friends, when his invention, an out-of-control Thor clone, killed Goliath during the Civil War. Hell, even the creation of the Fantastic Four was an accident caused by Reed’s miscalculating the amount of shielding his team would need from cosmic rays. And let’s not even get started on his worst creation, a little robot named H.E.R.B.I.E.
4) Uatu the Watcher: Watching Stuff and Not Interfering
?Uatu is from a race of immortal beings called the Watchers, who take a solemn vow to never interfere in the lives of the beings they watch. But just like Billy Baldwin in Sliver, watching wasn’t enough for Uatu. Uatu has interfered with humans several times, including helping Reed Richards discover the most powerful weapon in the universe, the Ultimate Nullifier. The Watcher outright sucks at his job and would be higher on this list, except his job is so mind numbingly boring, you have to grade him on a scale.
3) The Wasp: Fashion Designer
?The Wasp had a long and storied career on the Avengers where she wore some of the ugliest and most impractical costumes of all time. It turns out that The Wasp’s alter-ego, Janet Van Dyne, had a thing for fashion and was continually making new uniforms to wear in battle. Some of these outfits were pretty stylish… and about 85% were so horrible we’re surprised the Watcher didn’t step in and tell her to stop. The above collage only only a small selection of her fashion disasters (you can see the rest at Comics Alliance). No one must have been able to see her very well at her tiny size because soon, other heroes and trendsetters were asking for hideous Van Dyne designs. Except for Luke Cage. The Wasp tried to design a new Power Man uniform for Cage multiple times, but the Hero for Hire wisely decided that wearing a just wearing tanks and jeans might be a better look that donning one of Van Dyne’s eye-searing day-glo atrocities.
2) Wonder Man: Actor
?Simon Williams, the hero known as Wonder Man, failed as the CEO of his father’s munitions company. So, he took up the next best job he could find, acting. Most actors tend to emote with their eyes, something Wonder Man sucks at since all he has is glowing red orbs. Simon’s biggest role was portraying John Porter in the Damage Control movie. When Simon asked his Avengers pals how he did in the part, the nearest he got to a compliment was from Tigra, who remarked that Simon’s butt looked cute in the sex scene. But not as cute as Mel Gibson’s.
1) Spider-Man: Freelance Photographer
?Peter Parker is like the model of a bad employee. He’s constantly late, asking for advances on his paycheck and unreliable. On top of that, his work is sometimes shoddy. As it turns out, setting a camera in one place and fighting in front of it, hoping it goes off at the right moment, leads to some poorly composed and unfocused shots. Still, Parker has gotten at least a few good shots of Spider-Man. Enough even to fill a book he published entitled Webs. And how well did Webs do? Well, the last time it was shown, Peter moved a ton of Webs remainders in to his new apartment that he shares with a police officer. So, probably not that well.