?How it’s 2010 and we don’t have a gameshow like Smash TV is beyond us. We have reality shows about stupid people racing each other around the world, stupid people performing having too many babies, and stupid people getting in fights because they have no business being part of civilized society (and who happen to be from New Jersey) — but none where these people kill or be killed in the attempt to win fabulous cash and prizes? Bull and shit.
Maybe what we need is some celebrity contestants to make it happen. Who wouldn’t watch to see a celebrity fighting to stay alive? No one, that’s who. Why a celebrity be would willing to risk his or her life for nothing more than material possessions is beyond us (well, other than Stephen Baldwin), but hell, it’s not our problem. So here are seven celebrities we think would make for a Smash TV smash.
Daily List suggested by Paul.
7) Arnold Schwarzenegger
Since Smash TV is based off The Running Man anyways, why not have Arnold Schwarzenegger compete? Well, maybe not now, but Ahnuld circa 1985, when he was a heap of taut muscle and not worn out from years of Governating and disgraced from Terminator 3. Very likely he would be killed in about 30 seconds as he’s merely a very well-built actor, but it would be an exciting 30 seconds if he’s even able to pull off a single kill like in the video above.
6) Macho Man Randy Savage
?Macho Man Randy Savage makes just about anything better, and Smash TV would be no exception. Here is a man who already knows the violent spotlight and who knows how to entertain a crowd. Also, the man is so intense you never know if at any minute he is going to kill someone or have one of the veins in his forehead explode. He doesn’t even need a gun, he’ll just snap into opponents like a Slim Jim. Additionally, having the Macho Man is the closest thing to having the Kool-Aid Man play Smash TV. OH YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH
5) Crispin Hellion Glover I doubt it would take any convincing for noted actor/lunatiic Crispin Glover to sign up shooting people for cash and prizes — of course the famed director of “What is it?” and Mr. George McFly would want to be in a game show where there was horrible amounts of violence, snake robots, and a whole bunch of other things that don’t make sense. Hell, fighting the upper torso of a giant on a tank is probably just a regular Tuesday night for him. Plus he’s really strong, as the above clip indicates.
4) Muhammad Ali
?At one time Muhammad Ali was so revered as a fighter that DC had him fight Superman. So let’s say that we get the champ from the late 1960s and have him fight all the way to the Pleasure Dome. Most likely, The Greatest would simply move like a butterfly and sting his way through the doors on his way to the final bosses of each level, where he knocks them out faster than your Xbox 360 red rings after one year. But the betting would be fantastic.
3) Dick Cheney
?Dick Cheney would be good because I am pretty sure he can’t die. Satan must be at work somewhere if Jim Henson dies of strep at 53 and Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks and is still going at 69. Not only that, but the man is clearly ruthless, approves of torture, will shoot a friend in the face with a shotgun, and has a passing resemblance to Mutoid Man (probably because they are brothers). Clearly this is a man who will kill for money and make for damn exciting television.
2) William Shatner
I’m not talking about the 33-year old Star Trek era Shatner, I’m talking about the 78-year old Shatner we still see doing things like the closing ceremonies of the 2010 Vancouver Olympics or fighting his evil twin for better hotel deals. This is the Shatner that is just too cool to not make his way to the final boss, the evil host of Smash TV — and then Shatner could become the host. Think about it! If you think you don’t want to see people fight a giant robotic William Shatner to the death on live TV, you are absolutely lying to yourself.
1) Felicia Day
?Ms. Day probably wouldn’t actually be a great fighter. Hardly proficient with a gun at all, she would find herself in deep crap very quickly. That’s where the entertaining part would come in — the nerd sacrfices. The first sign of trouble, some obsessed nerd would quickly jump from the audience and get exert themselves more five glorious minutes than their entire lives combined The entire game would consist of shouts of “I will save you my love!” or “Nooooo!” and sights like a man in a XXXL Green Lantern shirt hurling himself belly-first on a mine, or a series of 100-pound acne-coated types being beated to death with clubs. This could go on for hours of nerd holocaust as thousands of dork throw their lives away all for the love of a very confused and/or horrified woman.