?I know Topless Robot was off on Memorial Day, but this weekend’s TR contest entries were only five times as entertaining as anything I could’ve posted. Oh, the superheroes and villains you created — so many with dick and ass jokes in their names! It was divine. This was one of the week’s were it was agony trying to pick the Honorable Mentions and winners, just because the bar was so damn high, and so many of you still cleared it. So before we get to the HMs proper, let me recognize a few other people….
? tredlow created Popool, a combination of Popeye and Deadpool. Nezzynez was so inspired he made the masterpiece you see above, and I felt it needed to be seen.
? George Lee used his entry to diss Joe Quesada, and somehow ended up with an odd Spider-Man/Batman combo with retrograde amnesia after being hit in the head with a brick that was also a Wonder Twin. It made me giggle.
? Psylent1 actually had a brilliant idea for a massive Batman/Marvel amalgam which includes Steve Rogers as Batman, Bucky as Moon Knight and Dick Grayson as Spider-Man. Very much worth checking out.
? And I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to Ellingcheese, who was responsible for nearly a hundred comments for no apparent reason. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Mentions and winners after the jump.
Let’s mention with honor, shall we?
Mephisto and Batman to get… The Goddamn Batman
Lo Pan said:
On a dastardly deed gone wrong, Blue Streak and Crimson Dynamo suddenly fuse into the most powerful villain of all…. THE CRIMSON STREAK. It’s an angry, bitter, hormonal comic thats issued monthly. Plot? What plot? WHY DO YOU NEED A PLOT STOP NAGGING ME BAH BAH BAH!!!!!
Wonder Pigeon said:
J’onny Storm is the Martian Torch! He is paralysed with fear by fire, and his power is to TURN INTO FIRE. Also he likes Oreos.
The Great A’tuin said:
Bouncing Boy+Power Girl= Bouncing Girl! Basically Power Girl with more Gainaxing.
The Amazing Rando said:
? The Living Doll (The Tick)+ The Thing= The Living Thing. He is made up of thousands of tinier and extra hard men… He fights crime in San Francisco by ejecting his hard men out of his body. His catchphrase can be heard as he battles crime. “I’m full of hard men!”
? Okay and for my next entry I give you The Living Thing’s sidekick: Sea Urchin + Aqua Man= Seaman. He can survive in a wet environment, swim upstream, sticks to any surface, and he smells bad. His catchphrase is “From behind The Living Thing, Seaman appears…”
? And let’s not forget The Living Thing and Seaman’s Archenemy, Carpeted Man + Galactus = Rug Muncher The Devourer of All Things Furry. He travels the cosmos searching for worlds full of fuzzy life, and using his static electricity powers to fling all the fuzzy people off their world and into his ship so he can deep fry and eat their furry bodies.
? Dr Octopus + Codpeice = Dr. Hentai! A freak accident at a hospital during a robotically assisted penile implant surgery leaves an insecure repressed nerd with three large robotic tentacles fused to his groin and under his control. He goes on a horrifying and mostly censored rampage until Widowula bites off his tentacles and then his head.
? The Hulk + Sinestro = Ire! Doctor Bruce Banner’s secret radiological experiments on a small alien artifact he’d stolen from a government land went wrong and an explosion fused the artifact to his hand. Upon awakening he discovered he had not only the power to sense the emotions of others, but to feed on the anger of others to turn himself into an unstoppable tank. This was born Ire, a brute force hero whose entire game plan revolves around pissing off his enemies as much as possible.
In a desperate attempt to beat the Russians to awaken General Rama-Tut, Reed Richards, Larry Storm, his kid sister Rita, and Clifford Grimm headed into the dense, unforgiving jungle only to come away changed! Reed fell down a crevasse and became Mister Elastic! Johnny became the Human Negative, able to fly and shoot rays because normal men *cannot*! Rita was injured, necessitating the transplant of her brain into an Invisible Robot! And Cliff suffered the strangest transformation of all when a jungle virus turned him into a green, rocky skinned behemoth with the power to turn into far-out monsters! He was some kind of… a… THINGALING! Together, they vowed to rid the world of the menace of Reed and Cliff’s old college roommates as… The Doctor Doom Patrol! The world’s strangest comics magazine!
Shadowcat + Molly from Runaways. Molly Pride is a teenaged mutant thrust headfirst into a life of danger and excitement that she never asked for. She is… Whedonbait.
? Bluewater Comics presents: Stephanie Meyer plus Vertigo Comics guest star Oscar Wilde. Together they are: Oscar Meyer! Sallying forth in his Weinermobile, he discovers his local high school is swimming with hot supernatural (and non-supernatural!) men and there is only one way to stop them: seduction! And quarts of absinthe!
? Spider-Man + Matter-Eater Lad: Tenzil Parker had always been an odd youth. One day at a science fair, he was bitten by a radioactive spider. He did what came naturally… bit the spider right back! It was delicious!
Tenzil went home and talked to his Uncle Ben. “Tenzil,” Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility… to eat spiders.” Tenzil nodded solemnly as he placed Uncle Ben back on the shelf next to Aunt Jemima. From that day forth, Tenzil Parker has waged a never-ending war to eat all spiders as Spider-Eater Lad! He is rumored to be dating the Black Widow.
? Dazzler + Jazz (of the Transformers + V for Vendetta: In the near future, Britian has fallen under a dictatorial surveillance state under The Party. It’s not a party disco singer Alison Meister enjoys at all. None would suspect she is actually a robot who escaped from a top-secret government lab. Transforming into a sleek sports car (voiced by Scatman Crothers) she roars into the night. Armed with only knockout gas, a razor, shaving cream, glue and her special sparkle crystals, she inspires the oppressed masses as VAJAZZLER. No state can stand against the power of a million fabulous crotches!
A female alien child lands in the Canadian wilderness, and under the guidance of a family of wolverines, grows into a feral, wild-child. Due to exposure to Earth’s yellow sun, she discovers that she is nigh invulnerable, capable of flight, super-strong, and possesses an accelerated healing factor (which rarely comes up, what with being nigh-invulnerable). Now accepted into human society as its protector, the vertically challenged, buxom young woman fights for justice while fighting to keep her berserker rages in check. Wolverine + Power Girl, she is… Short-Stacked.
Marvel’s Power Man and the DC Flash villain The Top are combined into the Power Top. He’s constantly yelling at his adversaries to move faster.
His partner is Marvel’s Iron Fist combined with DC’s Mister Terrific to form Fister Terrific. They operate under the name Dial H for Heroes For Hire, but most of the jobs they get hired for don’t involve crimefighting.
When desperadoes from a rival paper push J.J.’s face into the printing press he becomes the horribly scarred publisher vigilante J. Jonah Hex. Now all his thoughts are consumed by the man who maimed him, a man called…. Parker!
When The Negative Spirit (Doom Patrol) merges with the Anti-Monitor (whole buncha DC stuff), the universe’s “Undo” button gets stuck, creating…THE DOUBLE NEGATIVE! He can’t not fuck your day up! (His powers also do the exact opposite of what he wants them to, leading to just the *zaniest* of hijinks.
I give you Alvis! (Amalgamation of Alfred from Batman and Jarvis from Iron Man/Avengers) A simple butler, Alvis stood by powerlessly as the petulant man-child Bruce Stark drank himself into a metal suit shaped like a fruit bat. He even cleaned up after the costumed Lotharios that called themselves the Avenging League. But no more! Using the military training from his youth, Alvis (who had gained a few pounds eating deep fried meat and banana pies internalizing his frustration) donned an immaculately pressed, perfectly laundered white jumpsuit to battle all villainy just so he wouldn’t have to clean up the messes left behind by the other heroes anymore.
As villainy falls, all shall know… the butler did it.
Professor X (Marvel) + Parallax (DC) = X-Lax. A terrifyingly powerful entity capable of transforming large quantities of solid matter into a malleable, fluid form.
She is not cursed; she is “curse,” the embodiment of senseless tragedy–not as it’s harbinger, but it’s victim. A woman destined to be struck down by the vindictive caprice of the universe itself, as an eternal pawn in a fiendish game. In each of her mortal forms, she is born merely to be mourned for her pointless death, all her own loves and accomplishments swept away in an instant, edited from time, mere grist for the drama of others; and for the whole cycle to begin anew when she is reborn into a new life on Earth–a different face, a different life, but the same story. The same woman, the eternal victim. In her current incarnation, she is called Maryjane Donna Suedibney. But her truest form is the dark, frigid angel of mindless tragedy: she is Dewitted of the Endless!
Danicus Spamicus Decimus Meridius said:
Hourman + Batman: Bruce Tyler’s parents were killed in front of him as a child. Swearing vengeance on crime, and vowing to never be helpless again, Bruce attended the finest chemistry schools in the world, creating performance enhancing drugs that would aid him in his battles. His drive to lessen crime was such that he bought a news agency just to record his triumphs over evil. Upon creating Miraclo, a pill that grants him strength, speed, and intellect for one hour, he fights a neverending battle at the SAME BAT-TIME, SAME BAT-CHANNEL!
Born from Greek legends, a mighty warrior race of automatons, forge children of Hephaestus, has dwelled secretly among us in Man’s World. Now, as human bigotry against robot kind proliferates, and we build slave machines to serve us, ancient secrecy has erupted into war as the proud Amazo-bots, long disguised even as the cars we drive, reveal themselves as noble ambassadors to guide mankind towards a harmonious techno-organic future. But opposing them at every turn are the tyrannical Deceptizons who would cleanse Man’s World of its humanity while taking the shape of our own weapons of war. What will be our fate in this clash of the titans? WTF #1 on sale this June.
Aquaman + Squirrel Girl — Aqua Squirrel can talk to squirrels and command them, however only while swimming. Specifically he can command the water skiing squirrel of internet fame. Dolphins find this variation of Aquaman to be the most successful.
Catwoman and Roulette combine to become CAT ROULETTE. They are then quickly arrested for indecent exposure.
this summer, prepare to quake in your inferior mammalian boots, for Dr. Doom and Dr. Dinosaur combine to form… DR. DR. DOOMOSAUR, the magic wielding, faceplate wearing, crystal powered semi-time-traveling reptilian double genius. He has at least twice as much brilliance as you do feeble notions of mammalian superiority.
? With lousy power, comes lousy responsibility! Parker Peter bite radioactive spider and become Ordinary Spide-zarro! Spide-zarro am always happy since he mug Uncle! Yearly Trumpet always say such nice things about Spide-zarro! Jame Jonah Jayson even pay me for not taking pictures! Spide-zarro throw girlfriend from bridge, but trade Aunt to Mephisto for new one!
? Frank Allen used to be a forensic scientist for The NYPD. That was until he watched his family die in a Mafia induced lab accident. Surviving the accident himself, Frank noticed he now had unusually fast reflexes. Now he fights crime the only way he knows how, by donning, and removing his favorite trench coat, as The Flasher.
Raiders Of The Lost Snark said:
? By merging the Red Skull with Fuckwit from Wanted, the Nazis created the super soldier with the most horrible interrogation method ever… and the Skull Fuck was born…
Jimmy Olsen is trying to get that perfect of Superman when Dobby, aroused by the brandy on the hotshot photographer’s breath, attacks him leaving him paralyzed, then he’s raped. Dobby then leaves him to die when he’s resurrected by a supernatural bird, The Crow. Surging with newfound power and energy, he comes back as JIM CROW! However, instead of trying to avenge his untimely death, he begins to hang up questionable signs around the water fountains at the Planet.
Combining Prof. X, and the Question: When vain detective Vic Xavier trades his most valued possesion to Satan for the ability to become the world’s greatest detective. He awakes to find that his face is missing, but now has psychic abilities. Regretting his decision Vic Xavier searches out Satan to get his face back. Now armed with his expertise and the ability to know anything he desires, he searches the world as “The Rhetorical Question”.
K.L. Droscha said:
Scarlet Witch plus Man-At-Arms yields… MAN-WITCH!! Remember, when you “hunger for justice”, a super hero is super hero, but MAN-WITCH is a MEAL!!!!
Dick Tracy + Rip Hunter = Dick Hunter, the Time Detective. Travelling through time with his Linear Police, Dick Hunter is armed with his Two-Way Time-Sphere, hunting down Chrono Criminals who fuck around with the time stream and create crisis paradoxes. And when he manages to track them, in the past or in the future… Dick Hunter fucks them right back.
Jareth the Goblin King said:
Lone Wolf and Cub + Wolverine = Lone Wolf and Bub. Wolverine pushes his son Daken around in a tricked-out baby cart solving spooky mysteries together.
? Texas Twister. Power Girl. Together, they form the most painful superhero of all: Titty Twister.
? Pitt. Elongated Man. With his fantastic stretching limbs, he has become … Arm Pitt.
? Quick Silver and the Joker are … Running Gag! what? it’s like 1 in the morning….
? Flash is the fastest man alive, Triathalon is faster than 3 men. If flash is #1 and triathalon is #3 then adding them and averaging them makes them …… RUNNER UP, the second fastest man alive!
Winners on the next page.
I’ve already spent a considerable portion of this week judging this contest, so let’s get right to it, shall we?
Rogue Smurf said:
Jamie Madrox + Vic Sage = Vic Madrox, the Multiple Choice Question. A private detective with a dry sense of humor uses his seemingly endless supply of faceless duplicates to scour the grimy back alleys of the Mutant Hub, a section of New York City where the majority of the mutant population dwells. Lorded over by the villainous Frog (Penguin + Toad), the Mutant Hub is rife with crime and mysteries. Can Vic ignore the lusty siren call of Myra Cassidy long enough to solve the murder of the mayor’s closeted mutant daughter, or will the Frog’s ruthless schemes win him the election?
An shockingly good idea, an immensely clever name that perfectly fits the amalgam, and a solid backstory — win. It’s hilarious and I genuinely think it was make for a great superhero comic — can’t beat that.
Vigilauntie (Aunt May and the Golden Age Vigilante).Following the death of her husband, May Parker vows to protect her nephew as a one-woman Neighborhood watch. The Vigilauntie patrols the streets of Queens wearing country & western garb and riding a souped up Rascal.
Did Vigilauntie win purely on the horrible, horrible pun name alone? No, the idea of Aunt May as a stone-cold killer helped a little, but yeah, it was mostly the name. It wasn’t ThasMySmock’s art, since I picked it as the entry as a winner beforehand.
?I really, really hope that Vigilauntie leaves wheatcakes on the bodies of all her victims.
Jonah Hex and the Devil Dinosaur, Jonah Rex.
I can’t come up with a very good summary. But essentially he was badly scarred during the Dinosaur Civil War, and became the most feared bounty hunter in the west.
When his book stopped selling they decided to teleport him to a dystopian future to fight Mad Max style gangsters.
Dude. Dude. Not only would I read the shit out a comic about dinosaur cowboys, I’m convinced this is one of the greatest sentences ever written by a human being:
But essentially he was badly scarred during the Dinosaur Civil War
I literally shudder with delight every time I read “Dinosaur Civil War.” Even if his amalgam character wasn’t amazing, I’d probably have to give Dan a shirt for “Dinosaur Civil War” alone. Congrats to the winners, the mentions and everyone who entered — fantastic job all the way around.