Cartoons, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: Arthur in “Arthur the Piggy”

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It’s been over two years since I last featured an FFF story starring Arthur, the beloved PBS cartoon aardvark. As it turns out, two years still isn’t enough for my mind to grasp why anyone would want to write erotic fan fiction about a character who looks like this:

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?First of all, he’s an aardvark. Second of all, he’s an aardvark in the third grade. Last and certainly not least, he’s an aardvark who’s on PBS, and not any kind of cartoon children over the age of 7 probably watch. And yet author Tak Tah seems to have no problem penning a very educational tale of Arthur’s extracurricular activities…

Arthur opened the box and inside there was a rubber pig nose, an old
bottle of cooking oil and a sheet of paper which had the rules on it.
They were written in a hard to read cursive that Brain had to make out.

“Let’s see, the game is called Swift Sausage,” said Brain.

“Does it have rules?” said Arthur.

“Hold on,” said Brain, “The rules are, this game is to be played only by
boys on an open space, preferably muddy, and is to be played naked.
One of the players is the pig who wears the pig nose provided and is
greased with oil or lard.”

“So we have to take our clothes off to play it?” asked Buster.

And this little piggy went WEE WEE WEE all the way to the jump.


I’ve skipped ahead a bit already, but all you need to know is that Arthur has found a game that his grandfather had previously refused to let him look at, and Arthur and his best friend Buster the bunny and Alan “The Brain” (a bear) are all too excited to play.

“Yeah, I think I’m starting to see why my grandpa didn’t want us to know
about this,” said Arthur.

Because it’s the kind of horrible “adult” game that would only be sold at Spencer’s Gifts? Yeah, I’d be embarrassed too.

“Don’t worry Arthur, it will be just like our sleepover last month,
without George,” said Buster.

“I wasn’t saying I was afraid to play it. I know an abandoned farm a
few acres from here, why don’t we run out that way and play it,” said
Arthur, “the irrigation ditch runs through there so we can take buckets
to make mud.”

“It was the farm where I used to bury all my old rape/murder victims at. No one ever goes there!”

“Great,” said Buster, “let’s do that.”

Arthur showed his friends where the old farm was. The three boys took
an hour to make dirt muddy enough to play the game and Brain continued
with the rules.

“So it says here, to start, one of the boys must be made the pig. To
decide who the pig is, one boy at a time removes their shoes and socks
and the other players must smell that boy’s feet for twenty two seconds.
After each boy has had his feet smelled by the other players, everyone
points fingers at the boy they think has the smelliest feet. This boy
is declared the pig and puts on the pig nose.”

Oh, we’re getting into a whole weird area here.

“Sounds to me like your grandpa had a foot odor problem,” said Buster,
remembering what was said at dinner on their first night there.

“Sounds like your grandfather also had a pig/rape fetish problem too, which is arguably a bigger problem than his foot odor.”

“Well I can assure you that it doesn’t run in the family,” said Arthur
who decides to be the first to volunteer. He sits down and takes off
his shoes and socks and offers each foot to Buster and Brain, who take
their noses to Arthur’s toes and Arthur counts to twenty two according
to the rules. Afterward, Buster takes off his shoes and socks and
Arthur and Brain smell his feet the same way. Finally, Brain’s feet are
smelled. The boys all stand up and at the count of three they point
their fingers. Buster and Brain point to Arthur while the aardvark boy
points to Buster.

You know, these cartoon animals smelling each other’s feet — in preparation for god knows what depravity — disturbs me more than like 90% of the sex acts featured in FFF. I mean, certainly rape fantasies are bad, but you can at least conceive of how someone would develop them. Smelling feet for sexual gratification? That’s off the fucking grid, man.

“Uh oh, I guess it does run in the family,” said Arthur.

The game was ready to start, the boys strip themselves of the rest of
their clothes and Arthur puts on the pig nose. Brain continues with the
rules.

“Okay now we are supposed to spread cooking oil or lard all over the
pig,” he read. The boys brought a fresh bottle of oil that they bought
in town since the other bottle wasn’t any good. They greased up Arthur
from head to toe, making his body shiny at it reflected the sunlight.

Say, boys. How ’bout you just play a nice game of Hungry Hungry Hippos instead, huh? Please? Please? OH GOD PLEASE

“And now the game begins,” said Brain, “Arthur, you’re supposed to run
from Buster and I and we are supposed to catch you, we have to say in
bounds of the mud at all times.”

“When you catch me, then what?” asked Arthur.

“It says, oh boy,” said Brain.

“What Brain?” asked Arthur.

“We are supposed to hold you down and suck your penis for twelve seconds
while you try to get free, if we do that, we win,” said Brain.

Someone needs to write a very stern letter of disapproval to Milton Bradley.

“But how do I win?” asked Arthur.

“You win if you strike us out, every time you break free you give us a
strike and a player with three strikes is out,” said Brain.

“Now I really see why my grandpa didn’t want us to play this, it’s an
oral sex fight,” said Arthur.

Parents, read this well. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T BUY YOUR CHILDREN VIDEOGAME CONSOLES.

“Well the rules are rules, and I think I know what they mean by sausage
now,” said Buster, “you look like a very tasty one.”

“By which I mean I want to fry your penis on a skillet and eat it with a biscuit.”

“Well, let’s get into position,” said Arthur, “at the count of three we
start, ready? One, two, THREE!”

Arthur dashes off from his friends and Buster and Brain start chasing
after him. With the mud acting as the boundary line, Arthur knew his
best bet was to stay away from the sides as much as possible. The first
to go for the capture was Buster, but Arthur’s greasy body skirted away
before Buster could suck him, (this didn’t count for a strike because
the penis was not in his mouth). He ran himself into a corner where
Brain was easily able to pin him down with his larger athletic body, and
went for a suck of his penis. Buster, who was on the side started
counting to twelve and got up to five when Arthur broke free.

You get the feeling that the only thing in his grandad’s box was an Uno deck, and Arthur is just a gigantic pervert who’s making this whole “game” up?

“Strike one Brain,” said Arthur.

Arthur avoided Buster who jumped in front of him, but then slipped in
the mud. Buster took advantage and pinned him down and sucked his now
hardened penis in his mouth. Brain counted as Arthur tried to squirm
away, and with the sound of a pop he escaped Buster’s mouth after a
longer suck at eight seconds, but under twelve so it was a strike.

Brain again tried to corner Arthur, but the aardvark called the bluff
and skirted away on the edge of the mud not mindful of Buster who came
in on him from the side and sucked away. This time it was a suck of ten
seconds, still short. Arthur broke free again giving Buster two
strikes, Brain still had one.

God help me for thinking too much about this — which is to say, at all — but even if I was naked, I’m pretty sure I could keep my dick out of the mouths of two dudes no matter how hard they tried. Especially if I was greased up. Basically, I have my doubts that Arthur is really in it to win it, is all I’m saying.

The game however proved to be exhausting for Arthur who had been running
around the mud with a hard penis and trying to stay off the sides, he
soon finds himself between Buster and Brain. Arthur makes a getaway but
is soon trapped at the edge by Brain who was ready for any movement.
With Arthur out of energy, Brain takes him down with ease and sucks him,
and reached the twelve second mark.

And say I was playing this game and actually enjoyed receiving oral sex
from a cartoon bear and rabbit. How hard would I really be trying to
“win” this game, anyways? This whole thing is suspect.

“Twelve, you win Brain,” said Buster. Brain let go of Arthur, but the
aardvark boy was not ready to end his fun.

See? I think Arthur totally threw the game. That’s horrible. This is a serious blow to the integrity of Swift Sausage players everywhere. Professional and amateur.

“Don’t stop Brain,” said Arthur.

“Why? The game’s over,” said Brain.

“But it feels too good for you to quit now,” said Arthur, “I think
that’s what makes the game harder for me than I thought.”

THE SWIFT SAUSAGE LEAGUE WILL HEAR OF THIS TRAVESTY

“Okay Arthur, I have to admit you are a tasty sausage,” said Brain and
he decided to keep sucking Arthur’s penis simply out of request.

“I guess it’s harder not to be either the pig or the winner,” said
Buster, “cause here I am by myself while you both have fun.”

“If it cheers you up Buster, you can suck on my penis,” said Brain.

You may purchase one of several “If It Cheers You Up, You Can Suck on My Penis” cards at your local Hallmark store.

“Thanks Brain,” said Buster who drops into the mud and starts sucking on
Brain. The thick slimy mud around them enhanced their sexual embrace
and made the taste of their penises dirty. Having been sucked on the
longest, Arthur ended up letting go first into Brain. The taste of
semen and dirt was strong in his mouth. After a couple of breaths
Arthur took off the pig nose and then moved over to Buster.

No keep on the pig nose YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR ME

“Suck me Arthur, suck me,” said Buster. Arthur took all of Buster’s
penis in his mouth and started moving his tongue all along his
underside, making the rabbit boy feel great. Brain on the other side
was stimulated by the way Buster’s front teeth kept pressure on his
penis as it was licked by him. Soon enough Brain squirted into Buster’s
mouth, and seconds later Buster gave a warm, creamy drink to Arthur.

…Nestle Quik?

“Oh man, George doesn’t know what he’s missing,” said Buster.

“I hate to say it, but I’m glad that DW didn’t come,” said Arthur, “we
would never have gotten away with this.”

George is one of their classmates and a moose, and DW is Arthur’s little sister. Just in case you want to imagine them sodomizing each other in the mud or anything.

“I don’t know Arthur,” said Brain, “the problem now is that we’re all
muddy. We can’t put our clothes on like this.”
 
“No big deal, we’ll just wash off in the irrigation ditch,” said Arthur.

Ironically, I’ve washed several times since this FFF, and I still don’t feel clean. Huh.

The three boys get out of the mud and go clean themselves off in the
ditch the best they could. Leaving the box and the pig nose behind,
they return to the farm, where Grandpa Dave with a bucket of paint in
his hand was there to greet them.

“Hello boys, what have you been up to all day?” he asked.

“Oh, I was just showing them some things I found around the area,” said
Arthur.

“And by ‘area,’ I of course mean my crotch.”

As the three boys went to the door of the house, Dave saw dirt behind
Arthur’s ears, “It looks to me like you boys got dirty, whatever you
did.”

SO DIRTY

“Oh, well we we’re at the swimming hole earlier but never a chance to
wash off,” said Arthur, “we were just going to do that.”

“Fine by me,” said Dave, “put some clean clothes on too, we’ve been
invited to a barbecue tonight. I’m still painting a fence for one of my
pals so I’ll see you in a couple hours.”

“Mmmm, a barbecue, I can’t wait,” said Buster.

“Come on guys, we better wash up,” said Arthur, “but I have to say, I
can’t wait for the barbecue either. Both of you wait in the bathroom
while I get something.”

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you think this story was over? Did you think the PBS cartoon animals playing a depraved sex game in some abandoned field was all you had to read? Oh no. Oh no no no no no no.

—-

Arthur went into the kitchen and took a spare bottle of barbecue sauce
and a wooden spoon. He met his friends in the bathroom.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” he asked.

“You,” said Brain and Buster.

“That’s not what I meant, I thought you would already be out of your
clothes,” said Arthur, “well come on, while we still have a couple hours
to ourselves, let’s make the most of it.” The three boys take off
their clothes and Arthur turns on the shower. They get into the shower
together and they take turns washing each other off, one on the back
side and the other on the front side. The leftover mud from the
abandoned farm turned the water brown as it drained away with the soap
suds. At the end of their shower, the three of them got out and dried
off.

“So guys, ready for a barbecue?” asked Arthur.

Think they’re going to have barbecued WEINERS!?! HYUK HYUK HYUK OH GOD KILL ME NOW

“It’s still a long while yet isn’t it?” asked Brain.

“Not that one, this one,” said Arthur as he pulled the bottle of
barbecue sauce and the wooden spoon out of hiding behind the toilet.

“What are those for?” asked Brain.

OH SWEET CHRIST I DON’T WANT TO KNOW SOMEONE MAKE THIS FFF STOP PLEASE GOD

“A couple of things that I like to call Brain roast, and bunny roast,”
said Arthur.

“You’re not really going to cook us are you?” asked Buster.

Jesus, Buster. Arthur’s a depraved pervert, not a cannibal. Don’t be an idiot.

“Of course not, I’m just playing,” said Arthur, “first of all I need to
prepare the ingredients, both of you get into the tub and stick your
butts in the air.” Buster and Brain follow Arthur’s command. “Now in
order to eat meat, I need to have it cleaned and tenderized.”

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The first thing Arthur does is wet some toilet paper and wipe their butt
cracks, causing his friends to laugh and become red in the face. This
is followed by a cold shower at full blast. Then, Arthur takes the
wooden spoon and lightly beats Buster and Brain’s bottoms with it,
controlling his force as to not hurt his friends.

“My own best friend, the Binky Barnes of gay sex,” said Buster jokingly.

This is an inside joke…. but think about that for a minute. Sure, author Tak Tah would like all readers to enjoy his tale of Arthur fucking his friends. But he really wrote it for the hardcore Arthur fans. If that doesn’t make your head explode Scanners-style, I don’t know what.

After about a minute of the spoon, Arthur gives each butt a massage and
then he applies the barbecue sauce to their butt cheeks using a camel
brush to spread it around. Once their butts were well covered in sauce
Arthur said a mock grace, “Thank you my friends for this bounty of
fleshy behinds, and now I shall eat like a king!”

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The rare Quadruple Toht! TOHT-TACULAR!

In no time, Arthur dove his face into his friend’s butts. He took his
time slobbering and sucking on every part of Buster and Brain’s butt
cheeks, licking off the barbecue sauce in the process.

And that’s why no Topless Robot reader ever ate barbecue sauce again.

Buster and Brain
found themselves becoming pleasured in spite of their slight
embarrassment by it, yet it was fair enough as Arthur seemed bent on
revenge for having to be the pig in the game they played earlier. By
the time Arthur licked the last of the sauce off, he swallowed air and
made a loud burp, “that was filling.”

This cannot possibly get any more awful.

“I don’t think you had enough Arthur, would you like to have some
cocktail weenies?” asked Brain.

toht face melting.jpg

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I STAND CORRECTED

Arthur who was sitting on the ground looked up as his friends stood up
and stuck their erect penises in his face. “Mmm, I love cocktail
weenies,” he said as he starts pouring the barbecue sauce over their
erect members. He then sucks each penis a few seconds at a time,
causing Buster and Brain to become tense. After the barbecue sauce was
gone from their wieners Arthur said, “Now I better wash this down with
milk.” He took each penis into his hand and jacked on them. The
pleasure eventually caused Buster and Brain to release their juice at
the same time, their streams hitting Arthur’s tongue which he stuck out.

I’M FAILING TO SEE HOW THIS IS GETTING ANY OF THEM ANY CLEANER.

“Thanks guys, that was delicious,” said Arthur.

“Don’t mention it,” said Buster.

“But Arthur, can’t we have something to eat too?” asked Brain.

END END GODDAMMIT EEEENNNNNNNDDDDDDD

“Fair enough,” said Arthur who traded places with his friends in the
bathtub. With the time getting short, Buster and Brain decided to
harden Arthur with a couple licks of their tongues and then after
pouring on the sauce they begin sharing Arthur’s penis, licking their
tongues on the given sides of him. Arthur became tense of the tingling
sensation of the underside of his penis meeting the tongues of his
friends. Finally the pressure gave off and Arthur squirted his warm goo
onto the tongues of his friends who both lapped it up.

“Yum, that was a tasty barbecue we had,” said Buster.

Have any of you ever tried eating just barbecue sauce? I mean like, more than just a spoonful to taste it? It’s like eating nothing but mustard or ketchup — which is to say really fucking gross. I seriously doubt aardvark, rabbit and bear dicks improve the taste experience that much.

“But we need to clean up again, especially since Arthur’s grandpa will
be back soon,” said Brain.

Although this is a problem that could have easily been avoided HAD YOU TWO NOT LET YOUR FRIEND POUR BARBECUE SAUCE ON YOUR ASS AND LICK YOUR ANUS

“Right, we’d better hurry,” said Arthur. The boys take one more shower
and quickly dry off. Arthur dashed to the kitchen to put the barbecue
sauce and spoon away as Buster and Brain cleaned off any trace of their
barbecue sex game. As the boys put their clothes back on, Grandpa Dave
called from the door.

“Where the fuck did all my barbecue sauce go?”

“Boys it’s time to go so come hop into the back of my truck. This old
friend of mine isn’t the kind that likes to wait,” yelled Dave.

“Coming Grandpa,” yelled Arthur as the three of them rushed out of their
bedroom and out the door. Dave was in the driver’s seat as they hopped
into the bed of the truck, which Dave didn’t mind since they were only
going a short distance. Upon arrival, one of Dave’s friends was quick
to point out something wrong.

“You are small animal children who just engaged in totally depraved sex acts!” said Grandpa Dave’s friend. “That is wrong, on many levels!” replied Arthur.

“I see your grandson and his friends are trying out the barefoot farm
boy look,” he said. Arthur, Buster, and Brain looked down at their
feet, realizing they forgot to put their shoes and socks on.

Hey, don’t judge. You eat out a bear’s barbecue covered ass for a while and see what you remember afterwards.

“Well, it’s nothing intentional, we just had showers,” said Arthur.

“No problem, not only are we eating we’re also having a square dance,”
said another pal of Dave, “some of us would say you have the right shoes
for it.”

Everyone has a laugh, “Come on boys, let’s get something to eat,” said
Dave and they all proceed to the backyard.

THE END

HA HA HA HA HA HAA AAA AAA AAAAAUUGGGH AAAAAUUGGGH AAAAAUUGGGH AAAAUUUGGGHHH AAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHH
BLOW UP HEAD GODDAMN YOU BLOOOOOOOWWW UUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPP

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Okay, my head didn’t really blow up. BUT GOD HELP ME IF I’M NOT GOING TO DRINK UNTIL IT DOES. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES SENSE ANY MORE.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.