?As the true believers out there already know, a big part of what makes Spider-Man relatable is that he accomplishes a lot of good on a limited budget, with limited resources and generally, limited time. Thankfully, the webhead tends to have everything he needs present in his powers and web-shooters. Webslinging allows him to reach places — both high and low — quickly, and his spider-sense, strength and speed tends to take care of most anything else that the crime fighter’s duties might necessitate.
Of course, toy manufacturers, like most people, have more to worry about than the comic book canon accuracy of their toy translations — they have kids to feed and to put through college — so sometimes creativity and “outside the box” thinking has to take priority. Enter Spider-Man’s vehicle toys. Not tailored to any specific line or era, these playthings really only share one thing in common: they’re completely unnecessary for a superhero of Spider-Man’s talents. Join us now as we journey down the checkered past of the wall-crawler’s vehicle toys.
7) Spider-Man Hypersonic Spider Jet
?Man, when would Spidey really need this undoubtedly expensive plane that resembles the Blackbird’s spiderized little bro? Where the hell would he even keep it? nd would he survive flying it at high altitudes without some kind of enclosure around the cockpit? All questions we shouldn’t have to be tasked with asking.
6) Spider XR-1 Battle Car
?Freelance photography at the Daily Bugle must really be paying these days! Spider-Man’s been gifted all kinds of crazy cars wholly unnecessary and impractical by the toy gods over the years, but man, the seemingly posh XR-1 Battle Car with “2 Venom Busting Rockets!” (what the hell?) might just take the cake. It would have been expensive enough without the spidery detailing, so kiss that 700 credit score goodbye, Pete.
5) Capture Claw Spider Chopper
?Considering Spidey’s ability to scale buildings with ease, you’d think it would be pretty obvious that one vehicle he’d never need while protecting New York City would be a freaking helicopter. Yet here it is, complete with “capture claw” which looks perfect for flailing around helplessly while the Green Goblin pumpkin-bombs the shit out of it, assuming Spider-Man doesn’t decapitate himself piloting the thing first.
4) Spider-Man Battle Action Car with Spider Legs
?We’re not sure what the deal with the huge and frankly creepy spider legs protruding from under the vehicle is, but Franz Kafka would undoubtedly be proud of this ghastly beast of an automobile. Its effectiveness is also questionable since the car would take up two lanes of traffic while horrifying and breaking the limbs of bicyclists and pedestrians nearby.
3) Web Cycle
?Now, we don’t want to put a damper on ol’ webhead’s social life here — he’s got a right to get into bar fights, annoy people with loud noises and show off his woman on the back of his ride like anyone else — but really? Spider-Man on a chopper? What’s next, Spider-Man’s very own modified economy car for street racing complete with wing and tinted windows? Sweet.
2) Spider-Man Wave Charger
?It’s common knowledge that spiders and water usually don’t make good bedfellows, so we’re not sure why Spider-Man needs a jet ski. It’s rather unclear if the Spider-Man Wave Charger was envisioned more for crime stoppin’ or recreatin’, but it’s pretty weird either way.
1) Spider-Man ATV
?Yee haw! The next time Spider-Man needs to take his fight against crime improbably off-road and backwoods, he’ll apparently have this ATV to help him jump creeks and avoid protruding branches to chase down his greatest foes, presumably on their own costume-themed all terrain vehicles. This is about as much of a Spider-Man kiddy toy as you’ll find, but it’s still stupid as hell and is something no child should be subjected to. Spider-Man tractor sold separately, we guess