Best Chinese BSG Moment: And the Winners Are…

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All right. I apologize for the lateness of these contest results, but 1) I warned you, 2) I did move to DC on Monday and have been trying to recuperate/unpack ever since, and 3) there were less than 200 entries (and many of those replies) so clearly you guys didn’t give a fuck either. So let’s go ahead and do this while I rack my brain for a contest idea later today that’ll do better. HMs and winners on the next page.

Honorable Mentions. Note that while the lack of lengthy entries. Seriously, I didn’t have time to fool with ’em this week.

Bad Brendan said:

Well i thought it was pretty damn funny when Starbuck and Dianna Troy got accidentally got merged in a stargate mishap and adopted the name Mindfuck.
Then just as the replicants, borg and cylons are about to combine forces Samantha Carter Theorized that MindFuck existence was keeping the universes aligned. Riker is informed and on his way to tell Mindfuck they are attacked and take refuge in the Holodeck where they get caught up in the moment and proceed to bump uglies. Riker realizes that they are all about to die and proceeds to rip her in half with his bare hands. (oddly enough the telepath didn’t see it coming!)
Hell of a way to save the universe

Sean said:

Starbuck, in a terrible Stargate accident, switches places with her evil, alternate dimension self, who appears on LV-426 with a goatee. Oh no! What will she tell Adama?! The big dance is tonight! As she looks into the mirror to admire her facial hair, “good” Starbuck looks back through the mirror and screams “FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!” as she is now stranded on Seti Alpha Six, inside Maximillian the robot from The Black Hole.

Zubair said:

When Boomer shot Commander Adama, and that Imogen Heap started playing. (Hmmm whatcha say…)

Furious BadSex said:

Number One, you have the bridge. I’ll be in my ready room…
SWOOCSCH [door opens] …Ryker, why there’s a one-eye-drunk man in my ready room?

Factorblank said:

I almost jumped out of my seat at the part when Tigh and Starbuck kicked Data out of the airlock. (“He was about to start singing another showtune for fracks sake!” was a great line from Starbuck.) Then Adama pointed out that Data was probably a Cylon anyways and they all had a good laugh.

DoctorSmashy said:

The cast of High School Musical go through a modified Stargate and arrive in the BSG universe. They piss off some Cylons, who trace them through multiple Stargates and universes until they reach the Hobo Trek Universe (in which every Trek character is a hobo). The Hobo Kirk immediately seduces the Cylons, who aid the Trek Hobos in their scheme to steal the USS Enterprise in return for the destruction of the HSM cast. The whole film climaxes in a Saw-like twist, in which Gabriella, Troy, the Hobo Enterprise crew and the Cylons must put their differences aside to fight a new enemy – MechaHoboScotty, who has Stargates for eyes and unleashes multiple horror movie characters from them. So…. Jigsaw is there. Saw-like, isn’t it? Kind of? Ehh screw it, I’ve won one of these before anyway.

Spessartine said:

It’s their toughest case yet. Adama’s Angels must solve a series of gruesome mechanical murders aboard the Battlestar Galactica. Notes left behind at the scenes of the crimes indicate the deaths are connected to a series of deaths in a town called Eureka, on a planet called Earth, in 1947. They travel to Earth on the USS Enterprise, hiding in secrecy as holodeck fantasy characters, and use the Stargate (and a solar flare) to travel through time to the future of 1947, where they find themselves trapped by strange mechanical death machines.
Spoiler: In a neat twist ending, the culprit is actually Adama himself, who wants to kill off either Starbuck or Six, and replace the dead one with a brunette, because you can’t have two blonde angels.

Tanner said:

Apollo uses the stargate that was found on new caprica and is transported to the planet Mongo where he has four minutes to save the world and the device that will save them is in his eye which he must pull out if he wants to save the world. And the part were the two cylon teenagers try to buy beer from the grumpy old liquor store owner. If they don’t get beer, then they’ll never lose their virginity before summer vacation is over!

Doc said:

Caprica 6 and Starbuck are fighting for the affection of the hunky pyramid captain Teal’C. Starbuck wins after Caprica 6 realizes her true love for Data, the shy, nerdy hearthrob. Starbuck’s disapproving father Captain Piccard is finally won over by the impromptu dance number at the prom held in Quarks bar. The twist ending shockingly reveals that all the gender roles were swapped the entire time with somehow no one noticing.

Bobble_Head_Fry said:

William Adama has worked hard to the command seat of Galactica and he’s never let a “toaster” get in his way. But when the android Data comes hot rodding through a newly discovered Stargate in his sleek and shiny Enterprise, his world is turned upside down! When his best pilot Starbuck falls head over heels for this mechanical man, what’s an Admiral to do? And is Data and Starbuck’s love fate? Or could the mysterious shadow figure Deckard be frakking up his fleet? Break out the intars, because it’s about to get crazy in this galaxy!

Scooter Atreides said:

Hijinks abound at “Camp Galactica”! Where Lee “Apollo” Adama, the skirt-chasing camp director’s son, leads a rag-tag group of lovable misfits. Can Lee and his buddies defeat the stuck-up cadets of Camp Enterprise and their suave French captain, Johnny Picard, in the big Solar Sailer race before the evil Cylon Corporation shuts the camp down? And who will Lee ask to the big Stargate Dance? Beautiful–but vain rich girl, Six? Or his best friend: Poor, awkward tomboy Kara “Starbuck” Thrace(Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in roles that will surprise you!)

Baker said:

I always liked the twist at the end where we find out Starbuck isn’t dead and is really Apprica Caprica (the famous piano playin’ pop star). She totally convinces Lee to go to Starfleet Academy’s annual prom dance with her and then the Jonas Brothers beam aboard and play “All Along The Watchtower”…it’s soooo rad.

Zukuss said:

My favorite part was when Starbuck walked in on Adama having sex with a pie. At first he was all “Eww, she’s kinda ugly, I’d rather fuck this pie!” But then she let down her hair and took off her glasses, so Adama was all “Daaaaaaayum! She’s sexay!”
I have to say that I was shocked when Earth turned out to be (spoiler alert) a saw!!!

MostlyDifferent said:

Laura Roslin and Ellen Tigh join Beverly Crusher and Deanna Troi in spandex in the Enterprise’s mirrored stretching room of awkwardness. An unnecessarily long scene of flexibility routines ensues, accompanied by playful banter and the revelation of which one of them has a secret crush on Samantha Carter.

BSG11 said:

1. Close your eyes.
2. Remember the plot of season 4 *as it actually happened*, everything fracking disjointed and hapdash minute of it.
3. Use your imagination to replace entire cast with 12 year old versions.
4. Insert laugh track and comedic pauses.
5. New Ending: Inner Baltar and Inner Six appears and address Ron Moore about whether having made BSG will prevent the cycle from repeating itself.
6. The Enterprise and Stargate on the box are just red herrings, wild ideas that Ron Moore flashed in one off episodes and never addressed again (Starbuck found the Stargate the time she crashed on that red planet, but it was missing its DHD; the Enterprise was featured in a direct-to-DVD movie with characters and events that no one cares about or remembers)

Cromulento said:

Join the intrepid crew of the Battlestarfleet Galaga, as its leader, Commander Avatar, leads a ragtag group of renegades and archaeologists to find a new home away from the wretched hive of scum and villainy that includes the Borg, Cylons and Ra the Sun God! See for yourself the show that Gene Shalit of America Today lauds as “Ni hen hui zuo cai ya!” You will “laugh out loud” at the “Asian carp out of water” story (Gene Siskel – Chicago Tribunal) when Commander Avatar wins a bet by taking nerdy Laura Rosalyn and transforms her into class president! See the fate of Lieutenant Starbucks in an episode that Imperialist Glenn Beck calls “hack-your-own-foot-off-at-the-ankle suspenseful!”

CK said:

The show is exactly the same as the US version of Battlestar Galactica, except that the ship is headed AWAY from Earth instead of towards it, their resident science Genius has a Scottish accent instead of an English one, and their commander is a gigantic pussy instead of the mother of all badasses.
Wait- What?
I thought the contest was to describe the plot of Stargate Universe…

Roland of the Tower said:

Jean Luc Picard and Benjamin Sisko are waiting in a Diner for Captain Janeway to show up, “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on the jukebox when suddenly J.J Abrams enters in a members only jacket…

Rex Hondo said:

**SPOILER ALERT**
The Pandorica at Cybertron’s core opens to reveal Data (or is it Lore?) resurrected by the Cylon/Vogon Alliance using stolen Phalanx technology. After duping the crew of Babylonstar Galactica V into helping him assimilate Warehouse 13, he has the power to link all Stargates across all realities to end the tortured screaming of the multiverse. Static, then cut to Superboy Prime clubbing Victoria Principal with a snowglobe.

dWhisper said:

The 12th Cylon, Molly Ringwald, only wants two things for her birthday… a brand new Galaxy-Class Starship and the extermination of the human race, but at the end, after rescuing her family which was trapped on the holodeck, she gives a touching speech about the human spirit and decides to just settle for the new starship and wiping out only a third of the human race.

nemryn said:

In the far future, humanity is threatened by killer robots with the ability to disguise themselves as humans. After running out of legitimate ways to deal with the menace, the Federation is forced to turn to ‘Apollo’ Adama, a rougish mercenary starship pilot. Accompanying him are his lifelong friend Anubis the canine alien; Valerie ‘Sharon’ Boomer, his old high school girlfriend, and a pair of stowaways- a brilliant medical doctor and his young sister, on the run from a shadowy government conspiracy. Also, his sexy assistant is actually a robot herself, supposedly working on the side of the humans. He doesn’t trust her, though, and it’s never quite clear whether she wants to kill him, have hot, steamy sex with him, or both. In a shocking twist ending, Apollo is revealed to be a robot himself. Then, in a shockinger double-twist ending, it turns out that *everybody* is a robot; the humans have been dead for centuries, and the entire thing is just an elaborate play put on for the amusement of the Master Control Program.

Herky said:

My favorite scene is when the Battlestar Galatica crew gets bogged down in trying to figure out who the cylon in the room is and turn on the recently captured stargate to view a deleted scene from Star Trek TNG. In this scene Riker is trying to teach Wesley to be a man so he fills Wesley’s room with female cadets and poisonous gas. Riker over the communicator states that Wesley must ask one of them to do him before time runs out or they all die. Wesley never works up the courage and as time runs out Riker bursts out of Wesley’s chest revealing that the gas wasn’t poisonous and walks out with all the girls

Winners after the jump, only because I feel I deserve a few more pageviews for dealing with a contest this week when I really didn’t want to.

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Welcome! I wish I had anything I could tell you about why I picked these winners, any kind of reasoning or criteria that I was judging for, but really, they just tickled me. In my defense, the contest was about thinking up crazy shit, so perhaps this is okay.

Zombie Wolfman said:

Deep in space, the crews of the BATTLESTAR GALACTA were so ronry. For many months spent seacrhing for their homewerld went unchecked by the graces of the gods. One day, while dodging Cylonian Borg cubes, the BATTLESTAR was damaged and in distresses. They sent many calls out, and were heard by LORD PICARD and the HMS ENTERPRISE. ADAMA was at first thinking attacks, the BATTELSTAR crews and LORD PICARD become friends, and meet PICARDS robot boy R2D2 (who falls for ADAMAS daughter APOLLO). PICARD tells them he searches for the missing lost STARGATE that will take him and his brother KURT RUSSELL home to the EARTHS. R2D2 has the plans that will lead them all home to the STARGATE, and the lost 13th colony. MANY ROMANTIC COMEDIES ACTION.

Zombie Wolfman ad me at “ronry,” and sealed the deal with “MANY ROMANTIC COMEDIES ACTION.” Sadly, I could easily, easily see this description verbatim on that BSG cover — it’s clever, funny, and all too appropriate for this particular Chinese bootleg.

Neuronin said:

Chief Tyrol learns a valuable lesson about how friendship can make the angriest, chubbiest mechanic into the Galactica Prom King. Prima-donna Apollo watches in teary rage as Starbuck leaves him alone to dance with the Chief, while lovable pranksters Leoben Conoy and Tom Zarek dump the punch bowl on his white tuxedo as revenge for his bitchy ways.
And the twist is that the “Season 4” disc has Star Trek: Insurrection on it. I’d rather cut my dick off than watch that movie again.

That’s one hell of a Saw-like twist at the end, guys. Well done to the winners, mentions, and everyone who entered, and again, sorry about the delay.