Helpful RPG Tables: And the Winners Are…

Thumbnail image for dungeonmaster1.jpg

Roll 1d20.

1-5 Funny entries
6-8  Mediocre entries
9 Shocking entries that would actually be genuinely useful in an RPG
10-12 Entries that went on too long and/or ignored the “12 lines” rule
13-19 DoctorSmashy, Scooter Atreides and Darksilk Jedisilk jabbering senselessly at each other
20 Entries about Batman pissing himself even though I used it as an example in the contest intro

Honorable Mentions and winners after the jump.

Feel free to roll 3d6 to determine how Honorable each of these Mentions are. Go ahead, I won’t stop you.

Dan said:

Chance D&D party won’t fuck up the dungeon master’s campaign and everything will go as DM planned:

1-99: When the Nine Hells freeze over
00: The Gods smile on your DM; the campaign goes smoothly.

Roland of the Tower said:

D&D Player Table, roll 1d10 for fictional character your PC is a thinly veiled copy of.

1 – Drizzt Do Urden
2 – Raistlin
3 – Drizzt Do Urden
4 – Han Solo
5 – Drizzt Do Urden
6 – Ryu from Street Fighter
7 – Anyone from Lord of the Rings, including Sauron (see seperate 5D100 table for choices)
8 – Goku
9 – Drizzt Do Urden
10 – Wolverine

forester said:

Random dragon poop contents, roll 1d6:

1- Undigested humanoid finger with valuable ring still attached (refer to table 123-7 in Valuable Rings and Things supplement).
2- Flesh eating maggots (refer to table 45-653 in Vermin and Vipers supplement).
3- Wand of Orcus.
4- Valuable Gemstone (refer to table 6-9 in Valuable Rings and Things 2 supplement).
5- 1d4 copper pieces
6- Corn kernels or Peanuts (refer to table 27-6 in Dragon Poop Contents 2 Supplement).

j m said:

What will the party member whose player is just fucking around do in this campaign? All of the following have happened in campaigns I’ve been in, so they’re play tested.

1-10: Kill an NPC who had vital quest information or items.
11-20: Use a spell or scroll at the wrong time, resulting in evards black tentacles getting out of control and raping another party member.
21-30: Make up an immensely dumb plan to kill the boss, shooting down any sensible alternatives put forth by voices of reason.
(If the roll is 30, then not only will they do this, but they will roll enough successes for their plan to actually work somehow).
31-40: They have a terrible idea that doesnt pertain to much of anything, such as using their urine to mark walls in a simple dungeon to prevent the party getting lost. The party must roll against the member in question in a dex check to prevent the member from removing his or her pants.
41-50: The party member begins to enlist other party members into actively avoiding the focus of their campaign and instead taking up an alternative quest, such as to go purchase a shrubbery.
51-60: The party member, not content with their combat abilities, begins perfecting a new fighting style such as the one where they soak animals in kerosene, light them on fire, and fling them at opponents who they believe will be clawed/burned to death.
In this event, there is a ten percent chance that epic level PETA activists will attack the party, this chance increasing by ten percent each round as long as the party and DM allow it to go on.
61-70: The party member decides that an important NPC is a dick and declares him and his group to be mortal enemies. The party will now suffer a 1 in 4 chance of running into this NPCs men whenever they are in territory that the NPC has influence in.
71-80: The party member calls the wrong lady a serving wench, or otherwise mispeaks, causing the party to pass a CHA check or be forced to shift uncomfortably and grimace.
81-90: The party member, while attempting to find traps with their fighter skills, etc, somehow manages to fall through a hidden door into a treasure chamber.
91-100: The party member has an epiphany and decides to turn to the dark side. Combat will ensue but the offending member is allowed to take the initiative and possibly gain surprise bonuses as though they were a rogue of similar level. This can be a blessing as it will allow the party to be rid of a troublesome nuisance… or it can be rather tragic provided the offending party member is the cleric…

AllHailThoon said:

Things PCs may find in their pockets after a drunken night out Table:

1 – 3d10 Crackers and a note reading ‘Thanks for the good times.’
2 – A human finger with a ring worth 2d4GP
3 – Random magic item belonging to another PC (broken)
4 – An arrest warrant with their name on it from the next town/city over.
5 – A Bag of Devouring (roll saving throw)
6 – A wooden crown inscribed with the words ‘Beer King Almighty’
7 – Valued personal item belonging to major villain.
8 – A talking lobster.
9 – An endless rope that can never be completely pulled from said pocket.
10 – Minor artifact (50% chance of being cursed)

The Great A’tuin said:

For Jedi – roll 1d6.

1-3: do
4-6: do not
7-9: try

Works every time.

skrag2112 said:

The Michael Bay random encounter table:

1-10 Random Explosion
11-20 Building Explosion
21-30 Random Explosion
31-40 Random Helicopter Explosion
41-50 Speedboat Chase & Explosion
51-60 Random Explosion
61-70 Random Explosion & Ethnic Stereotype
71-80 Random Explosion
81-90 Random Explosion & Tit Shot
91-99 Random Explosion
00 Robot Testicles

Skeeter said:

The Random Batman Encounter Table
You have foolishly entered Gotham City and gotten up to some mischief. The local law enforcement is powerless to stop you; suddenly, you see a spotlight with the outline of a bat. Batman is enroute! But which Batman do you encounter? Roll 1d10.

1: Adam West. Just hand him a ludicrously over-sized bomb and saunter away as he avoids the nuns, babies, and ducks around him.
2-3: The Bat-Man. Look out, he’s got a gun!
4-5: O’Neil and Adams’ Batman. Shirtless. Roll on the Distraction Table (Table 7F)
6-7: Grant Morrison’s Batman. Also Shirtless. Roll on the Confusion Table (Table 8E).
8-9: Frank Miller’s Dark Knight. You’ll walk again, but you’ll stay scared, won’t you punk?
10: THE GODDAMN BATMAN. You’re fucked.

Mordrun said:

Table for picking TR contest winners. Roll 1d20:

1-3 Pick best poop joke entry.
4-6 Pick best Star Wars reference.
7-9 Pick best penis/body part entry.
10-13 Pick best LOTR reference.
14-18 Pick best self-depricating entry.
19 Pick entry that made you spew milk
out your nose.
20 Pick my entry.

Cthulhu1138 said:

Table 3.3a) Determination of proper Accent used by GM for Foriegn encounters:

01-02 Pseudoasian
03-04 Nasal slurring
05-08 Gutteral Germanish
09-17 Inappropriate Spanish
18-22 Southern Belle
23-29 Bronx on White
30-95 That other horrible voice tilt that happens when the GM fails to hit the desired Accent
96-00 Roll again twice

DiceMonkey1 said:

Nice and simple, and this is a actual chart I use sadly enough. 1d12: Who becomes my plot hook for todays game.

1: Power gamer who pretends he’s not after spending two hours explaining how he can one hit kill a elder red dragon with a toothpick and a gnome.
2: Power gamer who doesn’t know the rules very well but has memorized attacks of opportunity and death by massive damage rules which lets him think he is the whole party by himself.
3: Power gamer who’s a rules nazi and everyone calls ‘Little Hitler’ because of his stupid mustache.
4: Guy playing a girl and trying to hit on everyone because we all think he is secretly gay and this is his way of telling us even though it is really creepy.
5: Furry gamer playing a monster race as his ‘persona’ and getting upset when the rules wont fit his stupid fetishes because a ‘+5 studded dragon skin leather thong of holding and sexy demon summoning’ is not allowed nor is his Red rocket spear of penetration.
6: Newbie gamer who was roped in and knows nothing but wants to play and is now sitting there in utter terror.
7: Person who equates everything to WoW/Diablo/etc and must always call things ‘raids’ an wanting to know who he has to PK to get some plot here.
8: ‘Roleplayer’ who wants the entire game to revolve around them. Roleplayer is also often the largest drama queen at the table. He wants to see the illegal dragonskin leather thong to compare it to his characters background of being a dragon slayer with a history of leather working and magic casting as well as being in touch with various gods which give him ‘special’ powers. If said thong is remotely connected to his backstory, he will then derail the game for several hours about how it’s ‘metagaming’ to ‘copy’ him.
9: NPC that is mildly amusing because the entire party has spent five hours drinking in the bar and robbing all of the NPCs, causing the town guard to get involved and it devolves into a slaughter fest and this NPC managed to survive.
10: Player who brought me food and or bribery. Alternately the most sober player at the table, if no player is found re roll.
11: Person who thinks hes Riddick/Wolverine/etc and becomes upset at his twinkery being shot down.
12: Average gamer who never makes waves during any sessions who also does nothing to advance the plot or interact with anyone unless its to rob them blind of gold, leather thongs or special powers because ‘the dice rolled a 20’.

Dr. Shoggoth said:

Classic Gygax-Style Dungeon Room Contents

01-09: An inappropriately large number of humanoid monsters (roll 2d20+7 for specific number, see table 2a for monster type).
10-15: A puzzle or riddle testing player knowledge of the English language, the DM’s favorite foods or the adventure.
16-24: A woefully cursed item (see table 2b for cursed items).
25-40: A woefully cursed item that also changes the character’s gender (again, see table 2b).
41-51: An inescapable deathtrap.
52-65: An elaborate pun.
66-74: A thinly veiled reference towards the characters of the DM and all of his friends who aren’t playing in this game.
75-80: Bees. Millions of them.
81-87: 1d3 demon lords or dukes of Hell (see table 2c for random ludicrous planar entities).
88-92: A dragon (see table 2d for random dragon colors). The dragon gains +2 to hit any character who questions how the mighty beast could fit in such a small room.
93-99: A crossover with modern Earth, the Old West, science fiction or classic literature.
100: An inappropriately large amount of treasure (see tables 2e-z for treasure contents).

edgreen86 said:

Game Enjoyment Table, d10:

1 – DM pisses you off, game sucks.
2 – Player 2 pisses you off, game sucks.
3 – Player 3 pisses you off, game sucks.
4 – Wife/Girlfriend calls, wants you home now. Game sucks.
5 – Pay over your share for Pizza – you only get one piece. Game sucks.
6 – Nobody gets your clever movie/book/nerd reference. Game sucks.
7 – Character you’ve spent 5 years developing gets shanked by 1st Level Hobbit some first time player runs. Game sucks.
8 – Player 4 picks up your $50 edition of game rules, paws through it with chocolate covered fingers. Game sucks.
9 – DM decides he’s tired of running D&D game. Changes game to RuneQuest. That game sucks too.
10 – You realize this is how you’ve spent every Friday night for the last 8 years. Game sucks.

More Mentions and the Winners on the next page.


NiTessine said:

The Random Bard Table, for determining who’s performing in the tavern tonight. Roll a d12:

1. An adventuring half-orc storyteller who makes no embellishments, speaking the plain truth of his adventures. Clever listeners can determine the exact locations he speaks of.
2. A lute duo comprised of a half-elf and a gnome. After the performance, the half-elf tries to pick up a woman, his desperation increasing as the evening goes on and nobody takes the bait. The gnome goes upstairs with the comeliest serving wench.
3. A rogue modron, who “sings” well-known ballads in an emotionless monotone. The staff and customers are terrified of this strange creature but dare not do anything about it.
4. A gypsy fiddler and his comely dancer wife. After they have left, several patrons discover their money pouches have disappeared. Everyone immediately assumes that the gypsies are to blame, though in reality they are innocent.
5. A lillend, who is under a magical geas to perform at this tavern one night a year, every year. Her music is beautiful but immensely sad, and she draws a huge crowd.
6. A travelling halfling from a few towns over, who is cajoled into singing some halfling songs. In the middle of the third song, he vanishes into thin air, scaring the patrons.
7. A local musician, whose ditty actually tells the story of how he is having an illicit tryst with the blacksmith’s wife. The blacksmith isn’t as dumb as he looks, but he is drunk, ill-tempered, and present.
8. A trio of guitarists from the southern lands, who sing and dance and play. In actuality, they are assassins with weapons hidden within their instruments, who will kill a target sleeping in one of the inn’s rooms during the night.
9. A cursed piper, whose music inevitably drives the rats in the kitchen and the cellar into a frenzy and draws them into the common room.
10. A middling singer who gets increasingly drunk during the evening, and will eventually vomit on the nearest player character’s lap.
11. A large singer who is actually a disguised leading member of the opera company in the big city, fleeing from the assassins of a jilted noble lover, but unable to keep from performing.
12. Nobody else is willing, so the other patrons will bother the party member with the highest Charisma or visible musical instruments until he takes the stage.

Joshuawesome said:

Roll a D6.

6 – Go Planet!
5 – Earth!
4 – Fire!
3 – Wind!
2 – Water!
1 – Heart 🙁

Chris Fairfield said:

Advanced Dungeons and Dragon Die Result Table
Roll a d10, use result from result table to determine outcome of die roll. Note: You will need this chart often, but it’s on a random page in an obscure section of the Player’s Handbook. The index is futile.

1: 3
2: 7
3: 2
4: 6
5: 1
6: 10
7: 9
8: 4
9: 5

Nick said:

Male Harlot Table

01-10 80’s porn star turned gigolo, moustache and all
11-20 Wide-eyed desperat young runaway
21-30 Expensive camp gentleman
31-40 Aggresive leatherclad SM-master
41-50 Twilight vampire wannabe
51-60 Middle aged drag queen
61-70 Prince charming, at a price
71-80 Cuddly bear
81-90 Unreliable pimp
91-00 Freddy ‘For-all-your-freaky-kinks’

Caffeinated Writer said:

The Incredibly Useful DM Table (aka, the “If you’re all going to just shank each other and everyone else in range, you deserve what you get” table). For surreptitiously(ish) rebooting a game that has not just gone off the rails, but in which the players have murdered the rails and the rails’ families, and looted the corpses.
Roll a d20:

20: The players lucked out… this time. They should be given a vague warning from a wandering prophet (or similar) that a “judgment will come upon them if they do not mend their ways.” If the party does not improve behavior within one session, roll again.
18-19: All of the players’ grandmothers suddenly materialize to give them a stern talking to. If for whatever reason, the player’s character does not HAVE a grandmother, either the reanimated corpse of their grandmother appears, or the player’s chosen deity appears to bitchslap them. All players’ skills and attributes are halved for three sessions, or until they mend their ways and chip in to buy the DM a nice fruit basket (or similar).
16-17: A local monarch (or god, if the players could safely turn a mere mortal monarch into so much royal jelly at this point) appears before the party and demands that they join him/ her/ it in a game. The opponent then produces paper and writing implements, various dice, and a red cloak (which the opponent immediately dons). The metagame has begun.
14-15: Time travel. Regardless of what debauchery the players are currently engaged in, a portal opens beneath them, depositing them in a strange far away land. If campaign was set in modern times, the PCs are now in ancient times. If the campaign was classic DnD or similar, it is now d20 modern. Also, the natives are hostile.
12-13: Deadpool appears and insists on joining the party. Hijinks ensue.
10-11: The party encounters a “mystical field” which robs all spellcasters/ magic users of their ability to perform magic. These powers are instead granted to the party’s fighters/ non-magic users, who are stripped of all weapon and armor proficiencies. Note that skills and attributes are not in any way affected.
8-9: The party encounters a wandering Rob Bricken! It uses a Fanfic! It’s super effective! If the campaign was anything other than Call of Cthulu, the fanfic acts as a gateway into a Call of Cthulu- based world. If the campaign was already CoC, a Lovecraftian horror appears, reads the fanfic, and takes notes before disappearing with a menacing grin and an ominous “Soon…”
6-7: Apocalypse now! In a magic-based setting, all magic suddenly fails. Inherently magical races find themselves turned into ordinary humans. No magic items or abilities continue to function, except for those wielded by the horde of tentacle demons heading the party’s way… In a modern/ technology-based setting, all technology suddenly and inexplicably fails. (There are still tentacle demons.)
4-5: All players are body-swapped with the reanimated corpse of one of the people they’ve slaughtered during the campaign. The hapless NPCs now reside in the players’ former (over-powered, “I found a source book with stats for a half-dragon demigod psion) bodies. The NPCs remember exactly what, and who, killed them.
2-3: A horde of Vikings (or space Vikings, as the situation warrants) storms the tavern/ castle/ empty plain (etc) and whisks the players off to become slaves/ brides. No saving throw.
1: Rocks fall; everyone dies. All players reincarnated as the (lvl 1) child of one of the NPCs the party terrorized.

Scooter Atreides said:


01-10: Shamelessly pander to Rob(reference MOTU, Tron, Scott Pilgrim, One Piece, etc.)
11-25: Bash Michael Bay
26-35: Reference today’s FFF story
36-50: Bash M. Night Shyamalan
51-65: Dick jokes
66-75: Reference only you and three other people alive will get.
76-85: Cliched and painfully overused reference
86-90: blah, blah, blah, Star Wars, blah, blah
91-92: Deliberately perverse and repulsive entry
93-94: Cluelessly offensive and insulting entry
95-98: Reference the site editor’s supposed desire to perform oral sex upon a well known television producer and film director.
99-00: Annoying pseudo-clever self-referential meta-entry

Matheyus said:

Significant Other Phone Response Table Roll D20 for proper response. No restrictions are placed on the behavior of the other players. Roll D20 for proper response. No restrictions are placed on the behavior of the other players.(Note: offending player may not leave the room unless otherwise specified.)

1-4: Complete honesty. Fellow players are encouraged to call you out on this if necessary.Roll D20 for proper response. No restrictions are placed on the behavior of the other players.
5-6: “I’m at work.” It doesn’t matter if you work at a completely different time, if you have previously stated that you definitely don’t have to work at that time, or if you were fired two days ago. This is your problem.Roll D20 for proper response. No restrictions are placed on the behavior of the other players.
7: “I’m spending time with friends.” You are not required to say anything else.
8: “I’m spending time with friends.” You are not allowed to say anything else.
9: “I’m spending time with friends.” You are required to mention, by name, at least two friends with whom you are supposedly spending time. The two may not include any friends participating in the game with you, and must be mutual acquaintances of you and your significant other. You are not permitted to make any inquiries before choosing the two.
10-11: Ignore the incoming call.
12-13: Answer the phone. You may not speak. You may not hang up.
14-15: Answer the phone. Anything you say must be in the form of a question.
16-117: You are required to answer the phone in character. The conversation must last at least 5 minutes. You may not break character during the conversation.
18-19: Reroll the dice and respond accordingly. You are required to set your phone to “speaker” prior to answering. You may not turn the speaker off until the call ends.
20: You can answer however you want. You can even leave the room if you so desire.*
* If player leaves room, remaining participants may refer to How to Torment a Player – Absent Tables 11-96)

Hak Foo said:

For games with a vampiric species. Roll 16d20 for victim’s blood glucose level:

0-60: Victim was hypoglycemic. Recieve only half normal food value for consumption.
140+: Victim was hyperglycemic. For next five turns, bounce off walls by performing double-moves and having charisma -3 and wisdom -4.
290+: Victim had embarrassing blood-borne disease. Strength -1 for 10 turns.
61-140: Normal behavior for drinking the species.
Diabetes awareness made fun!

“Starman” Matt Morrison said:

Based on my experiences running the Serenity RPG.

1 – Thinly veiled rip-off of a well-known established character (i.e. Captain Ralcom Meynolds)
2 – Asked if you could play a Reaver.
3 – Pilot with the Blind Trait
4 – Insisted there was nothing in the rules that specifically said you couldn’t play a Reaver.
5 – Hired Gun With Credo: Pacifist Trait
6 – Asked if there was any way you could play a Half-Reaver.
7 – Tried to take Cybernetic Enhancement Trait to replace your penis with a vibrator.
8 – Insisted the only reason I wouldn’t let you play a Reaver was because the ladies in the group didn’t want to play a “real game” before asking me to call you once they got bored and quit.

All right, time for the winners. I can’t tell you how hard it was to pick the winners for this one, so if you didn’t win, feel free to assume that you were an incredibly close third place. It’s certainly true for a lot of you.

Will said:

Medieval bathroom staff encounters can be with snobbish castle plumbers
or scornful dungmen, thus making it difficult for the party to
distinguish each encounter for what it is. In addition, the worker is
10% likely to have any valuable hygiene products, 30% likely to provide
privacy, and 90% to expose you to hepatitis A.

01 – 25 Snobbish castle plumber
11 – 25 Chummy lavatory mopper
26 – 35 Giant class bathroom attendant
36 – 50 Dynamic privy raker
51 – 65 Chic outhouse salesman
66 – 75 Weary trench digger
76 – 85 Dogged cesspit castellan
86 – 90 Scornful dungman
91 – 92 Finicky loo lubber
93 – 94 Withered toilet granny
95 – 98 Rogue honey bucketeer
99 – 00 Silent poopsmith

I could give you a long, tortured explanation why I finally gave Will the nod, but it really boils down to two words: “Silent poopsmith.” It’s a table more worthless and weirdly detailed and funnier than the Random Harlot table, but, sadly, still potentially useful. And the only entry funnier/useful/detailed/worthless than this one?

KingKha said:

The table table, roll 1d10 to find the type of table encountered by the party

1. Dinner table
2. End table
3. Coffee table
4. Garden Table
5. Kitchen Table
6. Chess Table
7. Drawing Table
8. Pool Table
9. Not a table (consult the separate Not Table Table)
10. Random harlot table

The only problem with this entry is that now I desperately want to own a Random Harlot table, but I’m pretty sure Ms. Robot won’t approve. Thanks to everyone for entering, folks. You all did a (quickly rolls dice) great job!