When she first hit the scene in 1959 Barbie was just another pretty face gallivanting around as a teenage fashion model in a zebra print swim suit, but she knew she was destined for bigger and better things. Fast forward five decades and she’s now done everything from teach aerobics to fly planes to preside over our entire glorious country.
In fact, she’s had 126 different occupations to date, which works out to an average of 2.5 non-committed professions per year. Just how many of these are plausible careers is another matter entirely, though. If you’re going to change jobs every few months then it’s perfectly understandable you’ll have to deal with some absurdities here and there, but there are quite a few on her resume that are even less believable than her body proportions.
7) Pet Stylist
It’s all the rage to take a normal job and glam up the title, but is it really necessary to change Pet Groomer to Pet Stylist? You can’t exactly ‘style’ a pet, no matter what Paris Hilton would like to think – they don’t accept fashion advice well. Although Barbie seems to be giving it her best shot with all kinds of puppy blow driers and kitty curling irons. I suppose living in a plastic world makes just about anything possible.
6) Baby Photographer
Being a photographer? Fine. Photographing babies? Fine. Pigeonholing your career choice so that you are solely known as a baby photographer? Pretty silly, unless you’re Anne Geddes. And the last thing this world needs is another Anne Geddes.
5) Rap Artist
I have no qualms with the ‘I can do anything I set my mind to’ mantra, and if Barbie wants to inspire young girls to become rap stars then that’s all well and good, but I just can’t see this particular dainty Caucasian making it in the rhyme world. In fact, Lady Sovereign is one of the only white female rappers and Barbie is nowhere near as hardcore as she is. If the beats in her commercial are anything to go by, this phase didn’t last very long.
4) American Idol Winner
While this is a slightly more realistic aspiration for Barbie than rapping, the idea that anyone with the singing bug can grow up to be an American Idol winner is not only incorrect, but also slightly irresponsible. No wonder every child in the world is snubbing old fashioned hard work for a chance at fame. With the odds of winning American Idol about 100,000 to one there might be room for an American Idol Hopeful Barbie, or possibly even an American Idol Contestant Barbie, but Winner is one step too far. Besides, it would take too much time out of her schedule and really put a damper on her career collecting average.
3) Music Video Star
As we’ve seen, Barbie is no stranger to the entertainment world. She’s somehow managed to rap and sing her way to the top despite serious roadblocks. But with this particular fame-oriented role she takes on her most amazing feat to date as she carries out a career that doesn’t even really exist. Taking a week-long freelance gig as an extra in a music video is perfectly acceptable, but a music video star this does not make. Alternatively, you can be the star of a music video, but that typically means you are the musician involved, in which case your career would just be singer or rock star. Baffling, I say.
2) MLB & NBA Player
I know these are technically two different careers based on two completely different sports, but I’m putting them in the same category because they are ridiculous for the exact same reason: You must be male to take part. I don’t care how much experience her WNBA stretch gave her, neither she nor any other woman will ever have a career in the NBA. And as for the major leagues… well, let’s just say I’d like to see that permanently bent arm try to throw out the first pitch at a Dodgers game.
1) Cat Burglar
Is it ever a good idea to pass off illegal activities as potential careers? This is one of the very expensive collector Barbies, so hopefully young children aren’t playing with her and getting corrupt ideas, but you never know who might buy such an outlandish doll for her daughter. I suppose it’s better than Meth Lab Barbie and at least she looks sleek (probably the point considering she was the brainchild of famous shoe designer Christian Louboutin), but a stint in the joint could be really detrimental to her ability to be hired for career number 127.