15 People and Characters Whose Doctorates Are Highly Suspect


?Back in the day, becoming a doctor was the most honored and noble professions you could have. You’d be the #1 son, the town’s hero, the most respected man (or woman, after 1849) around. Those two letters — “DR” in front of your name — meant that you had devoted years of your life to learning, that you had studied hard, and had become an expert in your field, whether it be practicing medicine or physics.

Nowadays, that’s all crap. Sure, there are still those who work hard at learning their trades and specialties, but there are plenty of folks who don’t, and still call themselves “doctor.” Folks, I’ve been to the Creation Museum in Kentucky, and I now know that anyone, given enough time and/or money, can become a doctor of anything they want. Hell, we’ve all seen it happen, but in real-life and in pop culture! Here are 15 of the most egregious offenders, whose doctorates are highly suspect… if not an outright lie.

15) Doc, Snow White

None of the other Dwarves put on airs. Sneezy, Grumpy, and Dopey were almost self-deprecating in their honesty. But Doc, just because he had glasses, was the “smart” one. Not once did you see a degree hanging on his wall, and really, he was still working in a mine for a living. He’s living a lie!

14) Dr. Zoidberg, Futurama

You just love this guy, with all his awkwardness and his need for friends, but you would NEVER want him to operate on you. And with his claw hands I can’t even begin to wonder where he’d start. I guess in the future you don’t have to actually know how to do doctor things before you can call yourself a doctor. That, or Planet Express hires just anybody (probably that last one).

13) Dr. Robotnik, Sonic the Hedgehog

Robotnik is a shitty doctor. While other doctors spend their time writing papers and working on grant proposals, Dr. Robotnik is obsessed with collecting chaos emeralds and turning animals into robots. He’s also developed anti-gravity technology but uses it to make big hands that slap the ground. The government would normally sequester this guy in a lab for the rest of his life, but instead he’s chasing a hedgehog.

12) Dr. Pepper

What’s he a doctor of? Beveragology? He’s got good company though, since it seems like there are numerous doctors out there who lend their names to beverages, minus any proof of a degree. There’s the ever-popular Dr. Thunder at Walmart, the scary Dr. Wild at Wild Oats Markets, Dr. Stripes at the dollar store, Dr. Publix at Publix, and the mysterious “Dr. W” at Wegmans, which means he’s hiding from the law for some drug crime, or helping young girls who are in “trouble.”

11) Dr. Spaceman, 30 Rock

Proof that anyone can get a degree. Chris Parnell is hilarious, but God, he’s an awful doctor. Remember when people said, “Oh, I’d totally want to have a beer with George Bush?” Well, we all want to have a beer with Dr. Spaceman, but like George W., he can’t do his job for shit.

10) Dr. Orpheus, The Venture Bros.

Dr. Orpheus is not a doctor. Don’t let the name fool you, he only has a bachelor’s from a community college. But when you’re a master of necromancy, sure, go ahead, slap that Dr. label in front of your name. Some of us spend seven years in school and three years of interning to earn that degree, but sure, you try to drum up some business with that high-falootin’ title that you didn’t earn. Raise some dead, asshole.

9) Dr. Light


?Wikipedia calls him a “criminal physicist,” which is one lame profession that cancels out the cooler one. You decide which is which. His whole life has been spent as a grade-Z supervillain (Sue Dibny aside, kinda), which makes you wonder what his undergrad thesis was. Rob, make a Topless Robot contest about this, please. My entry is “The Application of Particle Physics as it Relates to Me Getting All Rapey All of a Sudden.”


8) Dr. J

The only people who get advanced degrees in phys ed are people who go on to teach it. Not in elementary schools or high schools, but at the college level. These people exist, to teach strangely required courses to uninterested undergrads. What does this mean? Dr. J may have one degree too many, since he’s not teaching RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT.

7) Dr. Tobias F?nke, Arrested Development

Formerly a doctor, now studying acting to limited success. He’s also a partner in Gobias Industries, a cross-dressing nanny, the owner of a gay club, an understudy for the Blue Man Group, a government mole, “Frightened Inmate #2,” and the author of “The Man in Me.” But to be fair, he did get a degree, and did practice in Massachusetts, as a combo analyst/therapist. An, “analrapist, ” if you will.

6) Dr. Nick Riviera, The Simpsons

“Hi, Everybody! I am a lousy doctor!” No comment necessary.

5) Dr. Teeth, The Muppet Show

Normally, if you hear “Dr. Teeth,” you expect to get a free toothbrush after hanging out with him. In reality, hanging out with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem only leads to free hangovers and sleeping on the floor of a bus that smells like felt. Still, he probably has things that will help you relax and cause you to get cottonmouth.

4) Dr. Steve Brule

I don’t know if he’s a doctor. I don’t even know if he holds a degree from a trade school, or a driver’s license or has even seen a doctor before in his life. There’s a good chance that someone put a list of adjectives in front of him and said, “Hey, you’re going to be on TV. Pick one of these to add to your name!” For your health!

3) Dr. Bong, Howard the Duck

dr bong.jpg

?You thought this list was going to leave out the silliest Marvel villain of all time? He has a doctorate in psychology, and has studied journalism, chemistry, and physics, and he still doesn’t think he’s achieved enough so he dresses like a bell and fights Howard the Duck. Remember the last time you fought a psychologist? Remember how difficult it wasn’t?

2) Dr. Demento


?Dr. Demento is a “doctor” in the same way that some homeless crazy men call themselves “professor” or “captain” when they’re begging for change. Sure, you’re a doctor, buddy. Just keep on the other side of the street. And you know what? He only has a master’s degree. He’d make a great T.A.

1) Dr. Mario

Maybe Dr. Mario is Mario from a different timeline, or Earth-2 or something, because he seemed a little too occupied with running around a magical kingdom with mushroom people to be working on his oral dissertation on pills. Plus, in future games he’s still a plumber, which means only one thing: malpractice suit. No surprise, since all he did was throw pills at every problem. No labels or anything. Asshole.