Comics, Miscellaneous

Batman Inc. Memos: And the Winners Are…

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Thumbnail image for batman inc.jpg

?Oh my lord. I can’t believe what a genius I am. I mean, I’m so fucking brilliant — I must be to have had this genius idea for a TR contest. Sure, you all are probably geniuses too — to a lesser degree of course — for your amazing entries, but none of it would’ve been possible without me. Truly, I am the Goddamned Batman, and you all are my regional Batmen and Robins.

Anyways, your entries were amazing. So amazing that DC should pay me money to publish them. So amazing that it was ridiculously hard to judge them, and I had to do about 50 honorable mentions and double the amount of winners, because otherwise it was going to take me all week (to say nothing of the fact that about 30 of you deserved shirts for your work).

All right, enough praise. Batman wouldn’t approve. On to the Honorable memos!


These are Mentions that are Honorable to varying degrees. I’ve had to split them onto two pages, because there are so goddamned many of them.


adkpirate said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Do not talk to me in the hallway. I don’t know you, I don’t care about you, your breath smells like tacos.


badger91 said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Human Resources
Employees of Batman Inc. should not wear their underwear outside of their pants. Only Batman and select crimefighters previously notified by human resources are exempt.
Please refer to your company handbook about the dress code if you have any questions.


spoon07 said:

To: Security
From: Batman
URGENT: Any woman claiming to be my Aunt Harriet should be immediately detained and led off the premises. She may be accompanied by a lanky Scotsman to verify her story. If this is the case DO NOT ADMIT EITHER OF THEM!


operations said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Effective immediately as a result of Gotham City vs. Batman #34, all Robins must have full pants integrated into their uniform.
Thank you.


Nik said:

To: All employees of Batman, Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne, CEO
Subject: Re: Batman
Body:
Employees,
Please be aware that there was an error in my previous note. It should have read “I’m not Batman.”
Thank you,
-Bruce Wayne
Co-Founder, CEO
Batman, Inc.

>>
To: All employees of Batman, Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne, CEO
Subject: Batman
Body:
I’m Batman
-Bruce Wayne
Co-Founder, CEO
Batman, Inc.


infrafan replied to Nik:

Damn. You beat me by half an hour. I’ll still post anyway.

“To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Subject: I AM NOT BATMAN!
I AM NOT BATMAN! I know it makes sense that I would be Batman myself with the tragedy of my parents and having the finances and time to train as opposed to financing someone I don’t fully know, like, for example, hiring a bodyguard to be Batman or a sidekick. Also, while we’re on that note, my adoptive kids and friends are NOT my sidekicks as I am NOT Batman. It would be ridiculous to put my family in that kind of danger even if I were the world’s greatest detective. Any further rumors or accusations of my suspected role as The Batman himself should cease immediately. Besides, I wear glasses now. Batman does not.
Also, no requests for a trip to the Batcave will be accepted. An exact, working replica is under construction as we speak to match the one Batman has near the cliffs on the seaside.

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
RE:Last Memo
I have recently become aware that my mansion is on top of a cliff overlooking a seaside much like the one described to be the location of The Batcave. I’m aware of the convenience of having a lair under my home, but, again, I’m not Batman. Also, I am not Superman. That is all.”


Sean said:

From: Pennyworth, Alfred
To: All Housekeeping/Sanitation Staff
Re: Placement of antique tchotchkes
This is a general reminder to all housekeeping/sanitation staff, that any antique-looking or obviously out-of-place decor (Book shelves in the bathroom, busts facing what looks to be a wall, sconces in modern, electrically-lit rooms) must be very lightly dusted AND NOTHING FURTHER.
We have this policy to avoid the recurrence of the unfortunate circumstances surrounding a former BATMAN, INC. housekeeper who sat in a high-back chair on Mr. Wayne’s veranda and subsequently took to the streets using BATMAN, INC. crime suppression assets without proper clearance.
We at BATMAN, INC. can all agree that another instance of “Bat-Manuel” cannot and should not be tolerated.
Thank you in advance for complying with BATMAN, INC. policies and procedures.

-A. Pennyworth


Nate the Grate said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Family photos help personalize an office work space, but please be advised that not everyone’s parents survived being viciously shot in Crime Alley.
Thank you.


blargh said:

To: All Bat-ployees
From: Batcoffee Pot
I don’t like being empty. Please fill me back up after filling your batmug.
– The BatCoffee Pot

P.S. The UAA (Unionized Alfred Alliance) is getting tired of cleaning your pee off the seat. Either lift it or sit on it….


W Derflinger said:

To:Human resources
From: Corporate Lawyers
It has been brought to our attention that on the job application that you ask “Do you have any relatives in Arkam Ayslum” This may constitute discrimination and must be omitted.


Savage Wombat said:

To: Email Admin
From: CEO
Please add the following words and/or phrases to the email security notification filter:
Smile
Laugh
Boner
Riddle
Fear
Ice
Cold
Cat
Penguin


Geoff said:

To: All_Employees
From: Bruce_Wayne_Totally_Not_Batman
Please be advised that as of this week we have eliminated all employment equity hiring practices except for our traditional “we only hire orphans” policy.
I would wish you a happy Father’s Day, but that doesn’t seem to be an issue.


BradG said:

To: [email protected]
From: Betsy in Accounting
Hey everyone, I found $0.50 in the soda machine just now. It’s one coin, heads on both side. If it’s your, by chance, please come see me personally to claim.
Cheers!
Betsy


OneMinuteGalactica said:

To: Arthur Daley
From: Robert J. Pierce, President, Batman, Inc., Hackensack, NJ
Mr. Daley,
Although you have Batmanned admirably during your brief time with us, lowering the crime rate in your designated area by an impressive 26%, we have received numerous complaints of frequent unBatmanlike conduct on your part — namely, your habit of saying “Up, up and away” before swinging off on your Bat-line.
We understand that until recently you worked for Superman, Inc., and are simply confusing your superhero catchphrases, but we can’t risk a copyright suit brought against us by your former employer. Please remember to stick to “I’m Batman,” or simply growl something unintelligible.
Any further errors in this area of your duties will force us to terminate your employment with us, and we’ll see to it that you won’t be able to get a job anywhere in the field of superhero-ing. Not even with Green Arrow, Inc.


machetejuan said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Any packages that are labeled Bat-kaki, please forward them immediately to my office.
Thanks
Bruce Wayne


Nerdluvin said:

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]??????????.jp
Honorable Japan Battoman,
Completion of your 4 story tall giant robot is near completion and will be equipped with several missile launchers, laser weapons and various sharp blades.
Please be aware that activating the robot will require you to wear the appropriate mechano-bracelet and shout “BATOROBOTTO HENKAN!”
After several minutes of flashing lights, fireworks and appropriate music you should be transformed into you giant bat robot.
Sincerely,
The engineering Team
??????????


Osric1 said:

Memo
From: Stan Kapanke (regional manager)
To: All Concerned
It has come to my attention that someone has been using an awful lot of Bat Shark Repellent Spray in the 3rd floor bathroom. Would anyone party to this please speak with HR, they need to expense this and were wondering if indeed any sharks or even shark-men needed to be disposed of. Also if anyone has seen my spare Bat Clipboard please return it to my office. Thanks.


Salamone said:

To: All US employees of Batman Inc.
From: Lucius Fox
HR Announces Changes to Employee Benefits Packages
Dear valued staff of Batman Inc,
I regret to inform you that we as a company are no longer able to offer comprehensive health benefits to our team here at Batman, Inc. Our insurance company dropped us after the outbreak of Joker Venom at the Denver branch last month, and we have been unable to find another carrier to provide health insurance coverage for our unique company.
Each branch will continue to have a butler, trained by Mr. Pennyworth himself in the art of setting broken limbs and general antidotes. However, should you need actual medical assistance, please be noted that looking forward from today, this will be an out-of-pocket expense, except for normal workman’s comp insurance, based on the laws in your region.
Best regards,
Lucius Fox


Scooter Atreides said:

To: All Regional Bat-Liason Officers of Batman Inc., US Div.
From: Bruce Wayne, Chairman of the Board, Batman Inc.
Since the launching of our firm’s “50 States, 50 Batmen” initiative, it has come to the Board’s attention that issues peculiar to specific States have presented themselves.

Thus, the board has established these policies to insure the smooth operation of regional Batmen within their assigned territories, and directed them towards said States:

CALIFORNIA: Please refrain from electing your Batman Governor.
TEXAS: Your Batman is not there to “keep the damn Mexicans out”. Please stop asking him.
FLORIDA: There’s nothing your Batman can do about the heat.
MINNESOTA: There’s nothing your Batman can do about the cold (also, see California).
ILLINOIS: If you suspect your Batman of corruption or abuse of office, please do not attempt to impeach him.
NEVADA: Your Batman does not appreciate requests for an “injury report”, or being offered bribes to “take a dive” while fighting evil.
NEW JERSEY: The Board requests that your citizens desist in yelling “I got yer Batman right here!” and pointing to their crotches while your Batman is on duty.
ALABAMA: Your Batman is not Jesus.


Mecha-Shiva said:

To: All Batman Inc Landscapers
From: Bruce Wayne, CEO
Subject: Sudden Changes in Plant Life

It has come to my attention that Martin Owens failed to report a sudden and drastic increase in plant growth in the bushes by the east entrance.
As outlined in your employee manual, all fast growing, carnivorous, and/or walking plants should be immediately reported to building security.
A memorial service for Mr. Owens will be held on Friday, with refreshments after.


KingKha said:

From: Bruce Wayne
To: Regional Batmen
Dear all,
Due to an unforseen shortage of Robins, tomorrow and every day after is “Bring Your Child to Work Day” for all batmen.
That is all.


Genehoyle said:

To- all Batman Inc. Employees

Re-Crisis compensation
any and all hours worked “pre Crisis” did not technically happen. No overtime requests are denied.
Also, if you have returned from the dead, your life insurance checks are to be returned by the first Friday before the end of the fiscal year.


DCD said:

ATTN: All employees of BI
Notes: Cyber-security
Someone void out Jason Todd’s goddamned keycode.
-BW

>ATTN: All employees of BI
That’s what she said!
-The Toddmeister


Diddy_Mao said:

To: Bruce Wayne: CEO, Batman Inc.
As an employer of workers facing potential workplace hazards you have the legal obligation to protect your employees from avoidable harm in the workplace. Please address the non-compliant actions listed below.
—-
#1. Everything you do.
—-
OSHA will not tolerate non-compliance with the workplace safety standards set forth by the United States Department of Labor.
More information is available at www.osha.gov.

Thank you.
Axel Farland.
Regional Director of Occupational Safety and Health Administration for Gotham City and surrounding areas.


Dillon said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Lucius Fox
It has come to our attention that the weekly newsletter has included a riddle on the back of each issue in the ‘Weekly Puzzlers’ section. We have requested that the newsletter no longer be distributed to our Batmen. They have been grossly distracted under the assumption that they are being left clues for assignments for which they are not scheduled. As you know, the whiteboard in the lounge keeps record for who is approaching which case. In a related note, whoever has been drawing green question marks next to employees’ names on said whiteboard, please stop.

11/21/10 Update From: Bruce Wayne
Edward, we know it’s you doing this. I’ve doubled security and they have your picture at the front desk. Knock it off.


AwesomeSauceJames said:

To: All employees of Batman INC
From: Bruce Wayne
If Robocop is seen around the bat-office with his grenade penis please just let him be, he is… a consultant… Also, I am still not Batman.

More HMs and the winners after the jump.

—-


Odemit said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Bat-caves are currently being installed in all participating cities. Equipment will be labeled with large oversized signs for our new recruits. In the mean time please review and respect the corporate hierarchy.

Boy Wonder
Robin
Nightwing
Batman
Caped Crusader
Dark Knight
The God-Damn Batman

Employees cannot be promoted passed the rank of Robin until their voice has changed. Also note: There is only one God-Damn Batman.


Sven said:

To: Warren McGinnis
From: Bruce Wayne

Subject: Congratulations!
Just wanted to welcome you to our company – I look forward to a long and healthy relationship. Don’t worry, as long as I’m in charge here I’ll make sure nothing ever happens to you.
Yours very truly,
Bruce
PS – Hear the wife’s pregnant! I’m sure the little guy will grow up to be a chip off my old block… er, I mean, the old block. Um… forget I said anything. Just… if the kid wants to see a movie, stay home.


Mndrew said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Re: Request for PTO on Mothers Day.
No.


KingOfDoma said:

Pour: Tous les employ?s anglophones
De: Ressources humaines
Sujet: Langage abusif
Il a ?t? port? ? notre attention que plusieurs des employ?s anglophones ont ?t? en utilisant des termes d?sobligeants contre le Mousquetaire en priv?. Tous les cas dans lesquels un employ? se trouve en utilisant les termes ?Bat-Frog?, ?Bat-Fancy?, ?F’artagnan? ou toute variation sera soumis ? la discipline de synth?se jusqu’? et y compris la r?siliation.
(It has come to our attention that several of the English speaking employees have been using derogatory terms against The Musketeer in private. All instances in which an employee is found using the terms “Bat-Frog”, “Bat-Fancy”, or “F’artagnan” or any variations will be subject to summary discipline up to and including termination.)


Evil Monkey Pope said:

To: all investors of Wayne Enterprises
From: Bruce Wayne
RE: The Big Announcement
I felt that Wayne Enterprises could use an exponential surge in lawsuits and supercriminal attacks. Trust me; it’ll be an amazing tax write-off.
P.S. Congratulations on becoming automatic shareholders in Batman Incorporated. Please be advised that we are unlikely to issue any dividends for this fiscal year as crime does not pay.


Raven6859 said:

To: All staff of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
Gentlemen, please ensure that you remember to flush the lavatory. As you may recall, we have needed to evacuate the building 3 times this week due to the mistaken assumption Clayface was infiltrating via the sewer system.


HalfHero said:

To:All Employees of Batman Inc.
From:Bomb Disposal Department
We must ask again that you PLEASE do not direct or allow anyone else to direct the following person(s) to stand idly near our offices; small scale marching bands, obese women, nuns, women with baby strollers, men climbing ladders, couples in canoes, men with large CO2 canisters, and most importantly, ducks. This really shouldn’t be a problem, but lately it seems like some days we just can’t get rid of a bomb! Thank you for your consideration.


Dag said:

To: Topless Robot, Rob Bricken, et al.
From: Wayne Enterprises (Industries), Inc.
Date: 2010-11-06
RE: Take Down Notice of All Copyrighted Material

You are hereby requested to cease and desist from all references and use of intellectual property pertaining to Wayne Enterprises, Wayne Industries, Batman, Batman and Robin, Batman, Inc., Batman Global Consortium, etc., under Title II of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). Said infractions of copyright law are taking place on the web site known as Topless Robot (DNS) at http://www.toplessrobot.com (URL). Failure to comply with said notice will result in prosecution under said title of the DMCA.

We have a good faith belief that use of the copyrighted materials described above as allegedly infringing is not authorized by the copyright owner, its agent, or the law.
The email address of the website owner, who has reprinted our content illegally, is [email protected]
If you have any questions regarding this action, please contact Kathy Kane at Wayne Enterprises.

Respectfully,
Bruce Wayne, President
Wayne Enterprises
Wayne Industries, Inc.
Batman, Inc.


Scoots McGee said:

Date: December 12, 2010
To: All Batman Inc. Employees
From: Batman Inc. HR Department
Please note that this years Employee Holiday Party has been canceled due to the fact that someone thought it would be amusing to schedule a showing of “The Mark of Zorro”. That employee has been terminated. Mr. Wayne is not amused.


OneButtonOff said:

To: Whoever took my lunch from the 5th floor refrigerator
From: Mr. Wayne
Dear lunch thief,
That half of a ham sub (with “BW” written quite plainly in Sharpie on the wrapper) was my lunch for today. I saved it from yesterday specifically so I could eat it for lunch today. I really hope you enjoyed it. I also hope that you had a very good excuse for taking someone else’s food. Now I have nothing to eat unless I take time out of my very busy schedule and run down to Blimpie on the corner.
Please be aware that I will be personally monitoring that refrigerator from now on and if I catch anyone stealing lunch, s/he will be dealt with most severely.
(Btw, you could have just asked and I would have shared with you.)


Mock26 said:

To: All employees of Batperson Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
RE: Political Correctness
Please note company name change.


pumpkinguts said:

BATMAN INC.
TO: All Batmen
FROM: Bruce Wayne
SUBJECT: Health Insurance
Moving forward any “fistfights” or acts of violence that involve the following sound effects will not be covered by the current plan.

AIEEE
BAM
BANG
BIFF
BOFF
CRUNCH
KAPOW
POW (POWIE; however is still covered)
SOK
SPLATT
WHACK
ZLONK


N3RD said:

Attn: All Batman Subsidiaries
The subject known as Robocop is part of an ongoing bat-investigation. Please apprehend him alive and unharmed and return him to me for bat-investigation.
– Bruce Wayne

Attn: Lucius Fox
I am running low on my supply of Bat-Smoke-Grenades. I need at least five million thousand sent to my office as soon as possible.
– Bruce Wayne


yb said:

from Bruce Wayne
to All employees of Batman Inc.
RE: Joker
It has come to my attention that the homicidal manic known as “The Joker” may have been spotted near the central offices of Batman Inc. The authorities have been contacted and all Batmen in the area are currently handling the situation. Please remain calm. You may be contacted with further instructions in case of emergency.
Bruce Wayne
President
Wayne Industries Inc. & Batman Inc.
Sent from my WayneTech Mobile device on the Verizon network.

from Bruce Wayne
to All employees of Batman Inc.
RE: RE: Joker
HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Bruce Wayne
President
Wayne Industries Inc. & Batman Inc.


Mike said:

To: Batman Inc. Customer Service Dept.
CC: Batman Inc. Telecommunications Dept.
BCC: Todd, Jason
From: Bruce Wayne
Please remove 1-900-720-2666 from our incoming customer service lines.
Someone appears to have set up to call this number thousands of times a day.


hollowedout said:

To: All employees of Batman Inc.
From: Bruce Wayne
If you pee-pee on the seaty… wipe it off and be a sweety.


kingNothing said:

To: Ugandan Batman
From: Bruce Wayne
It has come to my attention that while u managed to defeat the Ugandan Penguin last week, your method of fighting (screaming WALALALALALA ACTION in high-pitch voice repeatedly) is so batshit insane it made me forget to take my throat lozenges.
p/s: your request to build a helicopter that can crush a building is denied. Its fucking ridiculous.


MattK said:

To: All Employees
From: Wayne, Bruce; CEO, Founder
RE: Fumigation

REMINDER —
Please review the fumigation schedule attached to this memo as a reminder when your branch will be closed for its noted week. We will be fumigating for Bat-Mites, and will be using any and all toxic substances to rid Batman, Inc., of this menace. I will not be held responsible for any loss of life as a result of an oversight and all will be listed as “collateral damage”.

Regards,
Bruce Wayne
CEO, FOUNDER, NOT THE GODDAMN BATMAN


BumblebeeZ3 said:

To: Robin Candidates
From: Red Robin
*Before being approved for field work, you must have a parent or legal guardian sign the death and dismemberment release forms. Don’t forget, they must be in by Tuesday for the field trip with Lady Shiva on Friday.
*Also, I have no affiliation with the restaurant, despite recent memos from Damian claiming otherwise. Please cease placing orders for lunch via my email.


Samuraiter said:

To : All Batman Inc. Staff
BCC : [email protected]
From : [email protected]
Subject : superman is clark kent
*no text*

And now, the winners.


JamesW said:

To: All Employees of Batman Inc.
From: Damian Wayne
Attention all worthless employees, from this point on Drake is now known as “Assistant to the Regional Robin”, while I remain “Head Robin in Charge of Crime Fighting”. All those who do not heed my command will be the subject to perilous doom.

To: All Employees of Batman Inc.
From: Tim Drake
Re: “Assistant to the Regional Robin”
Attention everyone, I put all of Damian’s Batarangs in Jell-O. That is all.

The Office reference is nice, but working it so perfectly and aptly into a Tim and Damien’s adversarial relationship is why I had to award this entry. Also, Tim putting Damien’s Batarangs in Jell-O is outstanding.


Ms Duck said:

To: The Board of Directors, Wayne Enterprises
From: Joyce Caufield, Director, Legal
RE: Bruce Wayne

After Mr. Wayne’s statements as of 10/05/10, 16:10 hours, we have received letters of intent to sue from 16, 289 law firms in the state. There are only 4,241 law firm actively listed in the phone book. The other 12,048 somehow managed to incorporate, document, and file into existence in the 50 minutes until the county tax building closed.

These negotiator letters are seeking recompense for over 26 million charges of assault, vigilantism, trespass, invasion of privacy,destruction of private property, illegal weapons use, sexual discrimination, and sixty three other classes of action, including quite a few I had to look up. I never knew until this evening that CLA of 1883 prohibited a special class of stealing a train in order to assault someone with it, until now; thank you.

At ‘reasonable rates’ of $750 an hour to file counter claims, the legal costs of just trying to defend ourselves against this will net an estimated extraordinary write off of 17.8 billion dollars in the first week alone. Please note, that is not settling or otherwise ending the cases, that is our weakly legal bill.

I have conferred with Mr. Hodkins in financial, and he notes that Wayne Industries stock just went from $46.22 a share to $0.19 as of closing bell on the aforementioned date.
I have taken the liberty of drawing up documents that Mr. Wayne has had a seizure, due to alcohol poisoning, combined with several venereal diseases and was not in his right frame of mind during the above news conference.

We will be ready to have him committed to arkham within the hour.

Also, if anyone knows whom Talia Al Ghul is, and why she wants 11 billion in maternity support, please contact this office.

I’m not opposed to the idea of Batman Inc. like many of you are; yes, it’s pretty unrealistic, but this is comics — if the story is well-written, that’s all that matters to me. However, that’s not to say that the concept isn’t ridiculous, and Ms. Duck takes it to its obvious and immediate conclusion, which is Bruce Wayne getting the tights sued off him by everyone ever. The super-legalese is just the icing on the cake.


itsangieduh said:

To: All Robins
From: Bruce Wayne
RE: Life Insurance Request
Denied

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. It’s funny because Batman kills little boys.


Kappa said:

To: All Employees
From: Batman, Inc.
November 1, 2010
It is with sincere sadness that I report the passing of Ra’s Al Ghul, from our Nanda Parbat office. A donation of $2.00 to cover memorial flowers is being requested. Please provide your donation to Sue in HR by the end of the day on Friday.

To: All Employees
From: Sue, HR
November 3, 2010
Your $2.00 will be returned to you by the end of the day.

This was exactly what I envisioned when I thought up the contest — the combination of Batman ridiculousness (and really, is Batman Inc really any sillier than Ra’s’ Lazarus Pits? Really?) and incredibly mundane office activities. Poor Sue! This probably won’t be the last time she has to return money for memorial flowers.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.