Fight to the Death: And the Winners Are…


?Well, you guys stepped up. I’d like to take credit for my little warning last Friday, but chances are you had the whole concept well in hand. There was practically no dull or obvious fights in the entire 700+ comments, and there were a whole hell of a lot of great — and/or hilarious — battles in there. There were a few repeats, mostly because they were great ideas that you couldn’t have expected someone else to suggest first, but nothing anyone should feel ashamed about entering. It was one awesome fight card after another.

It was not easy to pick the winners — hell, it wasn’t that easy to pick out the Honorable Mentions — but that was pretty obvious too. Anyways, much thanks to Starz for donating three copies for the wonderful, blood-and-sex-filled Spartacus: Blood and Sand sets to the winners. Let the results of the games… begin!

Honores Mentiones, anyone? (That’s fake Latin for Honorable Mentions.)

“Starman” Matt Morrison said:

Rose McGowan vs. Megan Fox. Both will have their hair dyed red, be outfited in chainmail bikinis and be handed a broadsword. Winner gets to actually star in the upcoming Red Sonja movie.
(This is, of course, hillarious one-sided as Rose McGowan has actual combat training wheras Megan Fox – to be fair – is a trailer-park whore with a nice ass. This won’t be a long fight but it will amuse those of us Red Sonja fans who spit-take at the news that Megan Fox was up for the role.)

Ridureyu said:

Batman vs. Wolverine.
The commentators would be Deadpool and Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. Why? Ideally, so that they wouldn’t talk about the fight at all. In fact, you wouldn’t even be able to see the fight, as Deadpool would probably use the camera to show off things he drew for kindergarten (last thursday). Then Luna would demonstrate how this proves that crumple-horned whatevers exist, which would send Deadpool off on a rant about Bea Arthur. Luna would express that Bea Arthur is likely a vampire, thus sending Deadpool in an insane frenzy of tears. Luna would put a lion hat on Deadpool, who would then use it to terrify the cameramen, and events would continue as such for many, many hours longer than the actual fight.
Everybody wins!

SaintSinner said:

Rocky Dennis from Mask vs. Worf in a headbutting contest…to the death.

Hermits United said:

Man and Superman: George Bernard Shaw vs. Clark Kent

Derp said:

I’d like to see Wesley and Prince Humperdinck actually fight “TO THE PAIN” because hideous dismemberment is always a crowd-pleaser.

Bobble said:

I love this show and have only one entry and I want to see it happen. I know it will happen…
Andy Whitfield vs. Cancer
‘Nuff Said.

Monty Prime said:

Kamina from Gurren Lagann vs Teddy Roosevelt.
Kamina is the most badass fictional person, and Roosevelt is the most badass real person. It would clearly be an epic battle and eventually escalate to an intergalactic slugfest.

BumblebeeZ3 said:

Joe Quesada vs. Dan DiDio
It just seems right.

Shawn Pickett said:

Can we get Lynn Minmei from Robotech vs. Keisha (like Rob I refuse to spell her name using a currency symbol). Preferably using swords, with some lions on chains and instructions to the contestants if the fight isn’t any good, well, the lions do need to be fed…

Sarcastic Samurai said:

This may sound a tad odd but Jesus Vs. Naruto. They would be fighting on a lake or another large surface of water. Imagine the drama as Jesus knocks out Naruto’s teeth and Naurto tries to hide while wearing a orange jacket.

Gasstank said:

Captain Planet vs The Toxic Avenger battling in the Thunderdome. Two Men Enter One Man Leaves!

Poopeater said:

1. Warren Ellis vs Hit Girl. I don’t know why.
2. Gordon Freeman vs Jason Todd. Crowbars only.

gzcomics said:

Milk and Cheese vs Every One of you nerds that comment on this site. It would be a bloodbath. (except for you Doctor Smashy you cool)

saathiray said:

Voltaire the philosopher (Francois-Marie Arouet) vs. Voltaire the musician (Aurelio Hernandez.) The purpose will be to determine once and for all who can lay claim to this moniker. The loser will have to renounce any previous claim and adopt a wildly different name of the victor’s choice.
The fight will consist of multiple rounds. The pen is mightier than the sword. For Round 1, they will fight with enormous quills. First blood wins.
For Round 2, bare-knuckle debate. Blows allowed for fallacies, well-crafted objections, and points that are irrelevant. The topic will be metaphysical aspects of identity.
For Round 3, a musical duel. Both will be given the opportunity to show musical prowess and beat each other silly with instruments of choice.
For Round 4, melee. Not strictly a gladiatorial fight, but necessary for demonstrating clout among peers. Both may choose up to three party members, preferably colleagues within their fields, and from a variety of weapons. Time will be split evenly between philosophical argument and fighting bouts. Topic of argument will be personal identity.
The final round, Round 5. Assuming that both have made it this far, both will be tasked with acting out Zeno of Elea’s paradox. No weapons, no talking, no shirts or wigs or instruments or music or shoes. Victory will be awarded to the winner of the race. So, the real fight will be over who gets to be the tortoise and who has to be Achilles. Whoever can successfully persuade–interpreting this word as loosely as one may like–the other that he deserves the place of the tortoise will be the reigning victor.


A guy with a sword & shield VS. a guy with a trident and a net.
…..What?! That’s a CLASSIC match up!

LadySheeana said:

Freddie Mercury and Orson Scott Card

thepariaheffect said:

I always mean to post in these things, yet sadly fail to, you know, do so. But this idea will not leave my head: 11th Doctor vs. Gandhi. There is no reason why this should be appealing to me in any way, but now I want a Dr. Who episode in which Gandhi is secretly a Dalek.

yung ano said:

Thomas “The Wizard of Menlo Park” Edison vs. Nikola Tesla. Standard Gladiatorial rules apply. AC/DC to provide soundtrack.

Pnutmaster said:

1) George Lucas of 1981 vs George Lucas of 2010
Think of it as young George Lucas’s confrontation in the Cave. Think of what we would have been spared had he been triumphant(Ewoks, prequels, death of Anakin Solo, etc). He would still have been guilty of the Holiday Special, but everyone has a dark side. In our universe, it slowly but surely consumed him 🙁
2) Dirk Benedict vs Katee Sackhoff
In other words, male Starbuck vs female Starbuck (or, TOS vs RDM’s BSG, which I’d rather forget thanks to Season 4). I place my chips with Katee. She rides a motorcycle and beat thyroid cancer.

Artemis said:

Topless Robot vs. Devastator. Because we all want to see our favorite clothing-optional mascot rip off the least-advised balls in film history.

Mr. Histronic said:

Howie Mandel Vs. Hammurabi
Steele yourself! Let’s Make a deal! With Death.

Mr. Histronic said:

Lord Bowler Vs. Sho’Nuff, Shogun of Harlem
It’s Julius Carry Vs. Julius Carry; who ever wins, we lose.

Hellhound said:

The Fox executive who canceled Firefly vs. the ABC executive who canceled Pushing Daisies. No matter who dies, justice is served.

More Mentiones and Victores after the ump-jay (I don’t know the Latin for jump).


molesticide said:

i’d say tarzan vs. doc savage, but that’s been done by a hugo-award winning author so never mind.
i suppose i would happily inject myself with bleach if it meant front row seats to machete vs. zatoichi.

Incredible Bucky Barnes said:

Gary Busey vs Pikachu, the competitor must eat its opponent to win. Either way this will destroy the image fans have of Pikachu.

Steve C. said:

Salacious Crumb vs. Ed McMahon! Weirdest, slowest-moving gladatorial match ever! Ten, twenty years, maybe, of the two just sitting down and laughing at each other! Ed would probably die first (assuming we’re using Ed from roughly 1995, not the already-dead current Ed), but who knows? This could go on forever! It’s the deathsport version of Andy Warhol’s “Empire”! A pay-per-view event where YOU GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH!

Pastor Saturn said:

The personification of Tiffany Grant’s obsession with Asuka Langely Soryu Vs the personification of John Lasseter’s Hayao Miyazaki obsession.
Both competitors pilot class A Rosie O Donnel Mechsuits.
The event is covered by Jimmy Wales and a chocolate homonculous.

Al Harron said:

A Cinematic Conan Free-For-All:
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Conan
Conan the Adventurer’s Conan
Ralf Moeller’s Conan
Jason Momoa’s Conan
The winner gets to go on to the finals and get brutalized by Robert E. Howard’s Conan.

MisterAureolin said:

Mecha-Tesla vs. Ultra-Edison.

TemporalSword said:

Put Tomax in a ring with just a mirror in it and tell him it’s his brother Xamot.

Spiderninja16 said:

Take two random pokemon trainers from either the show or the series and make them fight each other while there pokemon shout out orders for them.

Lotus Watcher said:

Battle of the Black Adders.
Each generational incarnation of Edmund Black Adder are pitted against each other as generals over a small army. Fighting would be restricted to the sleepy, entirely fictional Scottish town of Wainscotting and its surrounding countryside. Highlights from the “war” would be featured on a nightly 30-min special BBC channel 2 report hosted by King Richard IV, Queen Elizabeth 1, and George, Prince of Whales while failing to understand the basic operation of a camera. Each night should feature special guest commentators, such as Pitt the Younger, Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland, General Melchett, and the angry ghost of Graham Chapman. Black Adder IV would be accidentally working for all involved armies due to the complete failure of an unnecessarily complex plot to escape the war.

Cordyceps said:

Since it’s the holidays, I’d like to see Darkseid vs Santa. Fed up with receiving coal every Christmas, Darkseid manages to lure Santa to an arena for a one-on-one fight to the death for control over Christmas. Evil versus good, hate versus love, greed versus kindness, Omega Sanction versus Sekiha Tenkyohohohoken. Truly a fight for the ages.

Kimberly Unger said:

Aragog versus Shelob
Winner gets to meet with my left shoe 😉

Cornfed_Ninja said:

Gladiators: Zombie Rue McClanahan, zombie Estelle Getty and zombie Bea Arthur vs Betty White.
Weapons: Zombie gets hands and teeth (what hasn’t already rotted off), Betty gets a Benelli M4 Super 90 shotgun with 1 bandoleer of extra shells and a hatchet.
Place: Golden Girls set, locked and bolted from the outside with cameras rolling.
Prize: If the zombies win, the cast of the Golden Girls is finally reunited, and a special boxed set is released (with footage from the zombie showdown), if Betty wins, she gets to go free…until she’s outlived the rest of the cast from the Mary Tyler Moore Show…

Gamemjoe said:

Oh, and for My Second Entry: Kenshiro v.s. BRIAN BLESSED.

Squiddy said:

The setting: Los Alamos, New Mexico
The two fighter stare at each other, realizations of the fate that’s to befall them on their faces.
Indiana Jones knows the bomb will be detonated. He knows what will happen, and there’s a lady to think about too.
Alexandra DeWitt knows only one thing. Nobody puts her in a refridgerator. NOBODY! She will fight to the death with anyone who tries.

SlyDante said:

Guybrush Threepwood vs. Jack Sparrow.
The ultimate battle of sharp swords & even sharper wit & tongues! It’s the funniest hardcore fight to the death you’ve ever seen! And if this crossover, at least, doesn’t show up in either the next Pirates movie or Monkey Island game, the next deathmatch will be between a forced one between Disney executive & a Telltale Games executive!

NotaTumorTony said:

I would love to see a slap fight between Krang and Kuato from Total Recall.

Now, to the victors go the spoils.

federico said:

Modern Frank Miller versus Classic Frank Miller.

Let’s call this one the People’s Choice vote, although I enjoyed it as much as anybody. The Frank Miller fight is an excellent idea (and one suggested by several people, although federico did it first) and the Palpatine/Pope fight is brilliant. I know he’s the Pope and all, but I can’t help but think that would be one brutal fight, where both contestants would fight mean if not outright dirty.

feralw01f said:

Unicron vs. Galactus. Two planet eating behemoths face off against one another in a planet eating competition. Who’s hunger is greater!?

This was another kinda popular entry, possibly because it is the greatest idea ever. A fight between to immense, planet-sized devourers of planets? Holy shit. Plus, they’d both be trying to eat each other. Most entertaining fight suggested this weekend? I say thee yep.

wyntergsy said:

Darryl Revok v’s Major Arnold Toht
both are armed with a book of fan fiction which they read at each other until the inevitable happens.

A.k.a. the Head Asplode Guy versus the Face Melt Guy. Oh, it made me giggle. Shut up.

All three winners will receive copies of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, courtesy of Starz. This means they’ll all get to see Lucy Lawless naked a lot, often gyrating upon various gladiatorial beefcakes. Truly, to the victors go the spoils… but what’s this? A new challenger?!

J M said:

A little backstory:
So, we were heading off to see Harry Potter and the Creepy H…. Err,
Deathly Hallows. This required me and my friends to go in costume. I had
some spare Jedi costumes that I had no use for, so we decided to go as
Jedi, because why the hell not? Another compatriot suggested Ghost
Busters. And so, in that intensely nerdy argument over who to cosplay as
for a nerdy movie premiere, I have my nerdy contest entry.
Bout 1: Prophecy in the Pit match:
Anakin Skywalker with his blue lightsaber battles Harry Potter with his
original Phoenix feather wand, it’s in a large put for alliterative
purposes. Does a lightsaber deflect a stunning spell? Could it block the
killing curse if Harry used it? Inversely, can a patronus or protego
spell block a lightsaber or force choke? Who will be the chosen one at
the end???
Bout 2: Dementors of Azkhaban VS the Ghostbusters.
Sir, I cannot type any longer, as I have just jizzed in my pants.

J M specifically requested a TR shirt instead of the Spartacus set, which normally I wouldn’t do, except J M’s been a loyal Roboteer forever and has about a billion honorable mentions and not only is the Anakin/Harry Potter fight described to an excellently nerdy degree, the idea of the Ghostbusters trying to fight Dementors made me jizz in my pants, too.

Thanks to everyone for entering, and thanks again to Starz for the Spartacus: Blood and Sand DVD sets. If you didn’t win and haven’t watched it, I highly recommend checking it out if you like sex, violence, or shows that are massively entertaining. I said it before, but I stand by it: Spartacus is a guilty pleasure show that you don’t feel guilty watching because it’s so much damn fun.

FYI, I actually managed to wrangle another special prize for the next contest, so be sure to check that out on Friday.