?Bobbleheads — also known as wobblers, head knockers, nodders and those things you have to wade through pages of the Entertainment Earth catalog in order to get to the Star Wars figures — used to strictly be the domain of sports fans and kitsch enthusiasts. In the past 20 years however, they have exploded into the mainstream collecting market. These days, every worthwhile TV, movie and comic franchise seems to have its own bobblehead line. This results in some genuinely terrific merchandise (the Twilight Zone and Venture Bros. bobbles, um, spring to mind) and a fair amount of duds as well. Because it is easier to destroy than create, today’s Daily List will set its sight on pointing out 15 truly lame bobbleheads from beloved nerd properties… and maybe some properties that aren’t all that beloved after all, come to think of it. Did your favorite character make the walk of shame to arrive here? Let’s find out!
15) Oompa Loompa
?Remember the wonder and magic of Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? Didn’t think so. Unfortunately this bobblehead souvenir of one of Deep Roy’s Oompa Loompas from the flick is still sticking around like a plastic genital wart to remind us all of the unexpected repercussions of unnecessary remakes.
?Stop in the name of love, before he breaks your heart. And fucks with your fillings. Magneto’s a real dick like that.
13) Alien Facehugger
?Facehuggers don’t actually have heads. This is a bobblehead. See the problem here? I get that the whole body nods back and forth from the egg base, but dammit, the lack of a cranium betrays the whole raison d’etre of bobbleheads and that’s really annoying.
?Tired of the eternal romantic tug-of-war between Betty and Veronica, Archie instead focuses on a new hobby: pocketball.
11) Snake Eyes
?Move with the wind and you will never be heard…unless you have a bulbous head that makes a whooshing sound as it moves back and forth.
10) Debra Morgan from Dexter
?Dexter‘s Debra Morgan is a smart, tough and vulnerable character with a wicked potty mouth who is endlessly fascinating to watch. This is thanks to great writing and a consistently fantastic performance by Jennifer Carpenter (especially given the weird subtext the show takes on in light of the real-life marriage and subsequent divorce of Carpenter and show lead/TV brother Michael C. Hall). Merchandise from the series is a welcome thing indeed; however by not including a voice chip that spews endless unedited profanities the Debra Morgan bobblehead is 100% pure fail.
9) Holiday Jawa
?Disgusting creatures though they may be, Jawas enjoy celebrating Christmas/Hanukkah/Life Day as much as the rest of us. But why would some maniac gave a Jawa a Jedi Training Ball as a gift? There’s probably some bullshit Gift of the Magi-esque Expanded Universe story that explains what’s going on here, but I’m far too lazy to do some actual research and find out for sure. So let’s just say that this particular Jawa ripped off Ben’s hovel and spent Boxing Day trying to sell the damn thing to a hungover Uncle Owen.
8) Surfer Shorts Charlie Brown
?Charlie Brown does a lot of things. He gets footballs pulled away from him. He suffers constant ridicule inflicted upon him by his peer group. He reminds young readers that life is a mean and often pointless slog from one soul-crushing disappointment to another. One thing he most definitely does not do, however, is party at the beach. Therefore, this clam-digging version of everyone’s favorite blockhead is confounding.
?Why look, it’s some fish swimming in a barrel. And I just so happen to have a loaded pistol on my person. It’s hard not to reiterate how ass Megatron appears in the Transformers movies. Bobbleheads exaggerate the features of even the coolest characters, so poor Megatron here didn’t stand a chance of looking like anything you should plunk down money on. I just wonder if you can hear the sound of Michael Bay laughing manically every time this thing’s head sways.
6) Hurley in Mr. Cluck Uniform
?Instead of having Hurley posed with, say, a Dharma vat of Ranch dressing, manufacturer Bif Bang Pow! decided to immortalize the character in his Mr. Cluck’s Chicken Shack outfit (which he briefly donned late in Lost‘s run). You’re guess is as good as mine as to why. At least the company made up for this lapse in judgment by offering a bloody Ben variant that is hours of head-bobbling fun.
?First Donny had to die unceremoniously in The Big Lebowski. Then his cliffside memorial service became a travesty. But perhaps the biggest indignity suffered by Theodore Donald Kerabatsos is how his bobblehad bears more resemblance to frequent Coen-collaborator Frances McDormand than Steve Buscemi. Ah well, such is life. Goodnight, sweet prince.
4) Boba Fett
?As someone who has never completely understood the endless hubbub surrounding the Boba Fett mythos, (outside of the cool costume of course) I’ve been idly wondering when Lucasfilm would say fuck it and just start blatantly sexualizing the character. Could this seductively posed bobblehead that is meant to be placed on your computer be the first step down a road of such Fett depravity? Look at him there, legs akimbo, holding his “gun,” watching your every move as you type all day long. Stick me on your monitor? Anything you want, Mr. Fett. Rawr!
3) Gastronomically Distressed DC Characters
?While researching this piece, I noticed something odd about the Funko Force line of DC Universe bobbleheads. Namely that they all look like they could use some serious bathroom time. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out whether or not their appearance denotes ferocity or searing gas pains. Just don’t be too surprised when Flashpoint proves to be an allegory about irritable bowel syndrome.
2) A Policeman from The Fifth Element
?When I came out of the theater following The Fifth Element, two thoughts popped into my head — “man, Chris Tucker’s screeching wasn’t at all tiresome” and “I’ve got to get me some merchandise featuring one of the cops from the flick.” The inability to secure likeness rights for Bruce Willis and company meant that the only bobbles produced were those of a policeman, a Mondoshawan and Mangalore. Fans of the film have suffered for a long time awaiting quality merchandise, and this bobblehead did them no favors. Still, the movie’s popularity continues to endure so it seems at some point you’ll be able to own a little plastic replica of Ruby Rodd.
1) Superhero Betty Boop
?Is irrelevancy a super power now? Simply put, unless you are a 1920s flapper there’s no justifiable reason for you to like Betty Boop.