Daily Lists, Miscellaneous, Nerdery

Worst RPG Character: And the Winners Are…

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?Damn you all. I hate you.

You made me want to play table-top RPGS again.

I swore I never would. I had so many shameful memories, and too many bad experiences, and things… well, things exactly like the stories you all described in this weekend’s contest. So why the hell did you guys reminding me of all that shame and agony make me want to go through it again? I don’t know. But I wish to hell I still had my 2nd Edition Player’s Handbook so I could roll up a character and then find a dungeon and some monsters to murder for their GP. You bastards. Anyways, you all get 350 XP, and can proceed to the next page.


An evil wizard casts Honorable Mentioning!

blargh said:

It was my first time GMing and there was this girl I liked that I actually convinced to play Vampire: The Masquerade.
I had 3 of my friends, and her, in the game. After character creation I went through some pretty basic storyline.
The first chance she got, this girl takes her character to a 7-11. She goes in and orders a Red slurpee.
With a confused look I say something like, “Okay, you have a slurpee”.
Well, she starts telling me that I’m wrong. The machine should have been broken so she could freak out and kill the 7-11 guy.
At this point I realize she’s ripping off Johnny The Homicidal Maniac and tell her too bad, she’s got a slurpee (Which makes no sense cause she didn’t even have the Merit to be able to consume human food)
Anyway, she gets upset and pretty much shuts down for the rest of the session. The next week I make sure I don’t invite her back and when the other players asked what happened I write in the story that her character got swallowed whole by the Earth.
She never looked cute after that.


Skip said:

Some of you guys may know of the Warriors book series. For those of you who don’t, I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version: It’s about cats.
I think just the fact that I have roleplayed as a cat before should be sufficient, but for the sake of your entertainment, I’ll go on: I was also magical. A magical cat, in a forbidden romance… “with purple eyes that shown like amethysts”. I’m copying right from my old profile here.
(I think a shirt is the only thing that could possibly ease my immense shame.)


neobolts said:

After playing with the same group for 15 years, things had gotten a bit stale, so I decided to broaden my horizons with a brand new Paladium RPG game starting at the mall. All strangers, we were told we would roll level 1 PCs at the first session. I chatted up the GM and we seemed to be the only veteran players there. Well, one girl shows up with a level 11 super-elf named Arwen. When the GM protested, she looked at him and — without a trace or humor — said “But I have to be Arwen, because I was Arwen from Lord of the Rings in a previous life.” There was dead silence. The GM new the first-time players would leave and never touch tabletop gaming again in their lives. There was no second session.


Ezkiel Light said:

When TSR released their 20th anniversary of the originl DnD red box, it came with pre made characters and a 3 mission campaign. So, my bro and I got it, convinced some friends to play, and even got our Dad to DM the game. We were in 8th grade at the time. I picked my character as the pre-made wizard. Of course the first thing I did with the wizard was get to a bar and get piss drunk. The first mission dealt with bug bears, and at the time I thought it would be a good idea to piss all over them (cause i was drunk). My Dad, saw golden opportunity for the bugbears to cut off my wizard’s dick and eat it.
so, yea….I played a dickless drunk wizard as my first DnD character.


biggs33 said:

Oh, cripes, I still can’t do pen & paper RPGs because of this: When Champions first came out, my GM came up with a ugly little child-murdering villain named HIDEOUS whom I killed because I just hated his personality so much.
But he had the power of regeneration. This creep would keep coming back if even one piece of him remained, and each time he grew bigger & stronger. I wanted a cool nemesis, and got an indestructible pedophile. Got so I was paranoid that the little sleaze would be there oozing up under every rock, behind every door, out of every vent. GM loved to make me squirm, but I HATED the bastard.
Gave me a real feel for how terrifying villains like Brainiac and Ultron would be in real life; just one little circuit or copy of programming left, and they would come back with cold metallic vengeance. But sweaty slimy vengeance is even worse. I need a drink now…

Tony said:

I wouldn’t say it was the worst character, but he was partnered with the worst character ever. We were trying out a brand new game of Cyberpunk 2020, back in the early 90’s. The rest of the team consisted of hackers and fixers and netrunners and whatnot – me and this one guy decided to play cops.
Hey, it’s cyberpunk. The cops are bribeable, corruptible, shifty and otherwise as dirty as the rest of the team. No problem, and I build my character accordingly.
So we do the tried and true method of “So you all meet in a bar” start of a new campaign that everyone does from time to time. The rest of the team is there, enjoying their drinks, when me and the other cop walk up to the table.
“Everyone here is a wanted criminal?” the other cop player asks the GM.
“Yeah, of course – it’s cyberpunk.”
“Great! I pull out mu gun and say ‘You are all under arrest!'”
Stunned silence in the entire room. I’m all like “Wait, no! I’m not with this guy!” as everyone in the party pulls their rather large scale weapons and opens fire, gunning us both down.
The rest of the night degenerated into an argument with The Good Cop how that was totally in character and how his character should still be alive since he had a helmet on.
Total campaign set up time: about 3 hours. Total campaign play time: 30 seconds.


Moutski said:

I haven’t played any particularly terrible characters in the past myself. But a couple of my friends played some ridiculous ones.
On of my buddies played a character named Punch Rockgroin who was a 9 foot tall ogre thief. Whenever he had an opportunity, he would try to hide in the shadows or pick someone’s pocket. He failed 99% of the time, but the times that he succeeded were hilarious. Also, the character’s weapon was a pet badger that he threw at enemies. My friend even wrote up a damage chart for it and sent it to Wizards of the Coast. They responded by essentially saying “we’re glad you enjoy our game but, unfortunately, we won’t be publishing this”.


Waffle Zombie said:

I was planning a generational, low-powered supers game last year. The basic gist was the player’s were going to play three different versions of a character, starting in the Golden Age, at the end of WWII, then the Silver Age, and finally the Modern Age. (Think, Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, Kyle Rayner). My idea was the each session wouldn’t be necessarily linear. Over the course of the months I had planned out, the players would see an overarching plot, ending with a giant Crisis-like event. I explained this to my players, told them to come up with ideas, and meet next week. One of my friends made Doctor Who’s best friend. Seriously. His story was he was a Time Lord, who, during the Time War, was trapped in this alternate superhero universe He still had all of his regenerations left, and his TARDIS worked better than the Doctor’s. As I read his fully created character (he was so excited he went ahead and made him up) I saw my dreams of my epic game crash around me. I asked if he had an idea for a back up character instead. His response can only be described as Folk Singing Gambit.


edgreen86 said:

Oh I think the worse was the time I was running a “Morrow Project” game. My 14 year old sister wanted to play, and I figured it couldn’t hurt. She ended up playing a Medic and did okay during the few games she was in. Until one afternoon when a buddy of mine (also playing a character) missed a bunch of rolls and ended up with a pretty nasty leg wound.
My sister’s character comes running over and starts to fuss over my buddy’s character and then says at one point, “I might have to operate. You know, while I’m there, I could give you a vasectomy. Just in case there’s someone you, like. A lot. And didn’t want to worry about anything happening. Or anything.”
Cue the long silence, the long exchange of looks and the shuffling of papers as we moved onto the next bit of business. About a week later I managed to walk everyone into a deadly ambush, insuring that no one survived.
We took up playing Superworld the next week, and thankfully the guy who was running it said beer would be served, so sadly no younger sisters.


Kleedrac said:

The worst character I met was played by one of my roommates. In his usual thorough abuse of the rules he made a Totemist with 4 arms and tons of attacks but was so light on role playing he would spend his time in town “Pickin up 4 hot bitches for orgies, one on each arm” When I tried to ask the DM how he was picking up chicks with no charisma and 4 freaky arms the DM just said “Hey, maybe some chicks dig arms?” The worst part was he used “Vow of Poverty” so he couldn’t get a hotel room, he was having random 5-person orgies in the town park of wherever we were operating out of 😛 The least he coulda done was name the character Ron Jeremy or somethin 😛


Kingyak said:

Worst Character Played (Not my fault): I agreed to play in a Champions game, but was not committed enough to shell out money or spend the hours it would take making a character, so I told the GM to make me a Green Arrow type character. When we started playing, we discovered that he hadn’t bought any ranged attack skills or powers or whatever. The GM (who, I re-iterate, MADE THE CHARACTER) decided it would be unfair to let me change the character once the game had started, so I had to walk up and hit things with my bow. I didn’t return for a second session.
Worst Character (Entirely My Fault): A Malkavian (in Vampire: TM) named “Sam Haim.” I was young and stupid. And drunk. And needed the money.
Worst Character Encountered: Since I work for a game company, I probably have an unfair advantage. I could list bad characters for days, but here are a few of the most egregious that don’t require an essay to explain:
*The guy who came to cons and played at our games for several years who always chose the Weakness “Talks Like Scooby Doo.” No matter what the game, no matter what the character concept. Pirate? “Talks Like Scooby Doo.” Space Hero? “Talks Like Scooby Doo.” Lesbian Vampire Hunter? “Talks Like Scooby Doo.”
*Numerous Mad Bombers. The worst was the guy who blew up another character’s care for no apparent reason in broad daylight on a busy street. When the police threw the character in jail, the player was completely baffled.
*The two girls (who again are repeat players) who always shoehorn the same anime characters(it has never been determined whether these are from an actual anime series, a game, or some little shared fantasy world) into whatever game they’re playing. This sit at the table and talk to one another in character while completely ignoring the actual game. It’s damned eerie.
*Tits Magee.
*The Female Drizz’t
*Multiple players whose characters were simply transport vehicles for kewl equipment.
*So many others.


Kate the Great said:

Many moons ago, when I was just an impressionable young thing, I thought it would be a good idea to GM a game of the Dragon Ball Z tabletop (seriously, ugh). In an effort to win over my reluctant group of friends, I told them they could make their character any race they wanted. Any at all. One of my douchebag friends rose to the challenge…and for three months, he played a character named Majin Toaster. Who was, in fact, a toaster. With an M on it. He murdered another player’s character by leaping into the bath with him.


Evilshed said:

The worst character I ever met?
We were playing a Star Wars RPG. Our group was working for some imperials watching out for rebel spies in a shady district of a shady planet. All good (well evil I guess) fun. We sit in a bar and wait for the spies to turn up. After some descriptions of the many dodgy goings on we roll some dice and find some suspicious data pad handling. Our rolls were crappy but maybe the DM didn’t want us to end the story so soon. So we devise a plan to pickpocket the guy to make sure we have the evidence and then go about informing our bosses. We set it up, we make the roll. It’s good. We got the datapad. We boot it up. We see…
Child porn.
Interspecies Child porn.
It appears that when we fudged our roll earlier we started following someone random. This was fair enough. However the DM didn’t think ahead to who we were following and blurted out the first thing that came to his head. He assumed our stunned silence was down to us waiting for more info. Now I can’t think of Ithorian’s as anything less than dirty Bothan rapers. Nobody should have that thought. NOBODY!!!!!
Suffice to say we killed them, then the bar staff, then the bar patrons. Our rage just stopped short of real life when the DM realised we didn’t want to play anymore.
Next week we played Legend of the Five Rings. Safe, heroic, honourable Legend of the Five Rings.


The Very Model of a Modern Major General said:

Here’s a LARP story, hope it counts.

I was playing in a Vampire: The Masquerade LARP. It was one of many in a large city. One of my fellow players made it a point to participate in every LARP in the general area. He played the same Malkavian in each one, who was pretty much himself-as-a-Vampire. All he did each game was breathe heavily while staring at the female players and whining at the Storytellers about something or another. Though many people were creeped out by him, the head Storyteller took pity on him as he was receiving disability payments for Asperger’s or something. His character consequentially got lots of benefits and powerful crap to shut him up.
We were playing in a studio we had rented out one night. The scene took place in a room with a stage, in which a pretty female storyteller was giving a show. The players were all whispering amongst themselves, making deals in the dark. I noticed that Captain Autism was by himself in the corner. By this point, I had gained a decent amount of influence, and sent one of my underlings to see if he was up to anything suspicious. She sneaks over and returns, pulling me out of the room. She looked terribly uncomfortable.
“She’s staring at PrettyGirl and… well… I couldn’t really see, but his arm was moving, and… well…”
I gathered all the storytellers together to inform him of what Captain Autistic was doing. The head storyteller basically said that we couldn’t kick him out. All females involved in the game including the pretty storyteller quit after that.


knittingninja said:

This wasn’t one of my characters, but in a past Vampire: The Masquerade game we had a… new player join us. When asked to describe his character, it was pretty easy. Tall guy, blades strapped to every available inch of his body. He was then asked to give his character concept. He got the blankest look and just said “Blllllaaaaaaaadessssss” while making this horrible flailing motion with his arms.
We killed him. In game, of course.


IlluminatedINC said:

The worst character I ever encountered was myself. I rolled up a human wild mage named Tim, he had a pet stuffed squirrel that he spoke to and lived on his shoulder, first session of the campaign I get locked in a chest (by the other players) and proceed to struggle to get out, breaking the potions within aforementioned chest. So, being the jackass I was, I lapped up the potions and somehow the DM rolled to see the effects. One was a potion of healing, one was giant strength, one of the effect became permanent. Yeah It was the giant strength, so in a matter of minutes I was a crazy ass mage with 19 strength. I break free of the chest and wander off to catch up with the others who’d left me to die. Also of note in a later session I found a potion of lichdom… yeah… it got stranger from there. Like using my own intestines to tie a door shut so the paladin and cleric (who wern’t real happy with having a lich in the group) chase me through another dungeon and tried to kill me. Long story short there was some 1st level spell that let you cast any spell with a 1% chance of succeeding with the other 99% being other awful side effects, guess when I rolled the 100%? Power word Kill? Oof, man were they salty.


RenGeek81 said:

My friend wanted me to play this game called World Tree, which is an awful lot like a furry Dungeons and Dragons. It was pretty weird. The interesting part is the magic system is so free form that there really is no limit to the spells you can create as long as you have the proper levels. So, I had this one character who had a signature spell: Flaming Kidney Stones of Doom. Basically, I’d form fist-sized rocks in my opponent’s kidneys, THEN IGNITE THEM. And the GM is like… dammit, there’s no rule against it. Dragons, wizards, demons… If it had kidneys, I could beat it in one spell because no way could you battle when you have inciendary kidney stones!


DrahcirWolf said:

Not so much a single character as a group of NPCs the GM had compete with us on missions. It was a sci-fi space setting and these NPCs had a Dragonfly class transport called Tranquility. The crew were as follows; Captain Hal, his first mate Joey, the pilot Soil, the gunman Blaine, Father Video, a call girl named Sara, the doctor Felix, and the doctor’s crazy sister named…Tributary. Sadly, they mysteriously vanished before we started a second campaign


Star Magnus said:

Well playing a LE monk our party encountered a little girl who was the heir to an ancient kingdom unfortunately some demons got to her first and marked her with a powerful ward of some kind. My first suggestion was to cut of a few fingers kill the girl then cast true res. on the fingers to get rid of the ward…dead silence at the table for about a minute. Then the mother in real life said no and immediately declared she was protecting the child and I was subsequently banned from even taking part in any further decision making for the rest of the campaign.


Nerdluvin said:

My friends and I had started a game of Marvel Super Heroes and I had created Lightbringer. He was a Mutant who was entirely made of light.
Regrettably, I came out of the closet about a week after and INSISTED that lightbringer be openly gay. My (extremely heterosexual) friends were already having issues wrapping themselves around the fact that I was gay but now they had to hear it from every single thing Lightbringer did.
I would have Lightbringer hit on every male superhero we encountered and I demanded that Spiderman be my boyfriend. Finally, the DM cracked and made an alternate universe gay spiderman so I could date him.


Diddy_Mao said:

I too have felt the horrid sting of inappropriate player sex.
Reminds me of the time our Spycraft game rapidly turned into two full hours of one player (the prototypical cheeto dusted dirty basement dweller stereotype)describing in graphic detail how his Russian Femme Fetale was fellating the Yakuza guards.
Imagine that if you will, 120 minutes of The Comic Book Guy describing his optimal technique for blowing young asian men.


Movie Meg said:

When I lived in Japan, a group of us foreign English teachers formed to play an Avatar: The Last Airbender RPG. The DM, a stickler for canon, was gung ho about focusing on the role-play aspect. He suggested we write thoughtful character biographies (insisting we be as loyal to the show as possible) in preparation.
I had to admit, I was extremely excited. It was the first geeky (non-anime) community I found in Japan. Plus, this was during A:TLA’s heyday; I was anxious to discuss the latest episodes. So I meticulously crafted my Firebender for our first session…
Something had gone horribly wrong. The DM capitulated to his then-girlfriend, incorporating a “Metal Nation” to accommodate her Steampunk Bunny Ninja. Steampunk. Fucking. Bunny. Ninja. Our party included a handful of Benders and a sexy rabbit with goggles and a hitai-ate. She demanded attention. She was a flagrant Mary Sue. And the DM, desperate to please her, indulged her every last wish. We weren’t playing an A:TLA themed RPG, but tooling around some unsettling aberration of Naruto meets fanfic meets Bratz Dolls. My expectations were crushed and I never went back. I know, “That’s rough, buddy”, right?


Supercapo said:

Worst RPG character I ever encountered was in a Knights of the Old Republic RP.
One player crafted a character that was not only a complete mary sue but was also as unintentionally creepy as he was ridiculous.
He was a Chiss Grey Jedi/botanist/general that studied “secret techniques from the “Samurai and Shinobi” He’d fought in the Great Sith War which took place some thirty to forty years before the time of the RP and was still powerful enough to defeat Darth Revan, the most canonically powerful Jedi of his age.
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the guy flew around in The Rogue Shadow from the Force Unleashed Games and he had a magic sword he found in some ruins. Plus he had about two or three Force Powers that didn’t even exist.
The worst part of all was the fact that he had a “Tortured past” that involved him having killed his padawan/wife when she went Sith. Oh yeah and this padawan/wife… he found her on the streets when she was 6 then he raised her himself until she hit 18 HE SEXED HER UP!
I could go on but it was a nightmare trying to work with this character and not constantly call him a pedophile.
And one quick honorable mention. This same RP player introduced Ezio Auditore from Assassins Creed 2 made him a Jedi and tried to pass him off as an original character.


Robert Patrician said:

I play dungeons and dragons through IRC (Internet relay chat). While this gives you a massive player base to pick from, it also means you get some very BAD or beginner DMs and Players. One new guy said he wanted to host a game, so I rolled up a character. Here’s how the game started.
DM : “The party, consisting of you guys and my super awesome NPC go into a town. Some orphans are missing, and they offer the party 100 gold each to find them. They also give my character a staff of power, robe of the archmagi and a helm of brilliance.”
Players: *5 minutes later* “Uh… DM?”
DM : “Hang on… I’m still updating my character sheet.”
We all bailed within 2 minutes of each other.
The worst character in a tabletop RPG is the DM’s “Mary Sue”, his invincible awesome NPC that just happens to be his character from a game he was rejected from or kicked out of, and he genuinely believes that he can ‘objectively play the game and DM at the same time.”


Harkibald said:

So we’ve got a DM who insists on having a party member, even when we have at least 6 players. He insists on showing us how powerful he is. That and how huge his characters balls are. He had a minotaur that wore a suit of armor glammered to look like a loincloth. This cowman with huge balls always somehow could leap into the air each round and we could see up his magical skirt. The guy would describe them for a good 5 minutes. The amount of wrinkles, hair, anything and everything. It was like a FFF before I knew about FFFs.
And to make matters worse, he’d insist on having the female players raped. It didn’t matter if they were playing male or female characters. One lady was pretty timid with sexual situations, here’s her story. So the DM obsessed with balls has Timid Lady meeting a tree nymph in a bar. The DM then proceeds to force her character to get drunk and bring the nymph to her room. We were using some weird rules that time and she critically failed on her sexual performance checks. Somehow this resulted in the character dying.
So this ball obsessed DM literally fucked a character to death…


dmnyo said:

I play myself in a WoD campaign but only with a bigger penis.


Admiral Smash said:

A few years back I played in a D&D 3.5 Campaign set in the Dawnforge setting. I had a barbarian lizardfolk named Mud. He was fond of eating just about everything (but mainly his own kind, thankfully they were the primary foes of the campaign). He once arranged the corpses of his fallen brethren into a makeshift igloo. Then shat in it.


sacre_Blues said:

So the last campaign I played, I came in a little late, so the DM gave me an NPC to work with so I could start right away and because my regular character, Portia the misogynist Halfling rogue was at too high a level. Now, I’ve done this before and it’s been just fine. But this particular NPC just happened to be “Fellatia the ‘Gifted'”, the village whore well known for her “prowess”. I also learned that the group had been using “Fellatia” to distract guards and such, and that the DM HAD MADE A TABLE OF SEXUAL ACTS AND HOW MUCH DISTRACTION TIME THEY GAVE THE GROUP. I was chill with it for a while.
They were teenage dudes, after all. They’d get over this weird obsession eventually, right?
I finally flipped a shit when the campaign took us to a really cool magical important temple, where I wasn’t let in because of my “sins”.
So I burned the thing to the fucking ground.
Fellatia gets shit done.


HoffaSaurusX said:

I played Inigo Montoya. Didn’t change the name, didn’t change the story, just played Inigo Montoya. In hindsight it was kinda a dick move in D20 Modern.


Samuraiter said:

There is no way I can top any of these great stories, IMO, but I will never get tired of ragging on one former friend who created Sephiroth (D&D, modified 2nd Edition), but gave him the powers of the T-1000. From a game world that featured the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, Jem’Hadar from Star Trek, bugs from Starship Troopers, and Battlemechs. *sigh*


mxyzplk said:

The worst PCs I had to deal with were from these two spazzy boys that came to a science fiction convention where I was running some Alternity (space opera game) scenarios.
You could hear them hooting about “rim jobs” in the hallway outside before they joined the game. They were clearly from the South Park generation.
Anyway, they created two PCs who were both hot women. They declared that they were both sisters and “lesbian lovers.” When my friend Mike, in an attempt to shame them, noted that this seemed like an attempt to work through their latent homosexual feelings for each other, was rewarded by them shouting “Wooo!” and high fiving each other.
One then decided his character was a stripper. He then put a good amount of work into coming up with a stage name. He was considering “Summer something” so we suggested “Summer’s Eve.” He liked that. We didn’t tell him it was the name of a prominent brand of douche.
They then went on a murder spree that would make Claudia Christian’s character in “The Hidden” proud.
So here’s to you, Summer’s Eve, the crazed lesbian stripper and your sister/lover. And the two twelve to thirteen year old boys who spawned you. You are indeed the most annoying PCs I’ve ever seen.


Gordon said:

There was a guy who used to be a major member of our gaming group. When I first moved back to Florida, in late ’92, I joined up with a couple of guys who played D & D regularly, and we started side-games playing Marvel Superheroes Game (the original TSR shit, of course). This guy, who I’ll call “S” used to see/read/hear cool ideas, and lift them almost completely, changing only the names, and just explain, “It’s just like such-and-such, but different.”
The ‘idea’ of his that sticks most violently in my head was right after we watched an episode of the seminal FOX TV show M.A.N.T.I.S., when “S” came up with the idea of playing a wheelchair bound scientist who built a set of braces that allowed him to walk and gave him bursts of super-speed, and a helmet that glowed, and gave him a gamut of vision powers, not least was the ability to, and I quote, “blow shit up just by looking at it”, which was, I believe the ONLY change between M.A.N.T.I.S., and this new character, which he called S.C.O.R.P.O.I.N. And yes, I am representing HIS spelling, not mine.


Quasimofo said:

A few years ago I was running a Champions game set in the Marvel universe, since people were actually familiar with it and the default Champions setting was crap. This was in a gaming store where several tables were set up so two or three games could run at the same time.
In the middle of an awesome evening of super-heroics involving a fight with the Juggernaut some of us stopped in our tracks when we overheard one of the players at the next table over. “Hey for my new character can I make a klingon jedi who dual-wields light bat’leths, and can I use my background points to buy extra psionics?” followed by a “Sure, that sounds awesome!” from the DM. Keep in mind, this was a D&D game and I swear on the grave of Gary Gygax I am not making this up.
When the people playing Champions look at you like you’re gotten waaaay out of hand, it’s time to re-evaluate your game.



Agent Snickers said:

I signed up for a Cthulhu adventure at a convention, set in the Amazon river. It was my first game, too! The other players were an all female buddy group who were here clearly for a Vampire LARP.
The Alpha of this group, a rather plump woman, picks the Jungle Guide and gives one of her quiet friends the other jungle guide role. Soon after, Alpha has her male PC do nothing but gay sex with her friend’s PC. Her other pals have no idea what to do here. I’m trying to play as intended and soon, I have to charter a boat. Of course, the only one available is Alpha’s. Her character greets mine without pants or underwear, making the entire San Francisco Castro District look like the GOP compared to her behavior in this scene alone.
At this point, I quit, apologize to the GM and I turn to the others and say, “Have fun going insane and being slaughtered” to which Alpha sassily responds “We don’t die, we multiply.”
The GM, finally speaks up about this and says with a smile, “Actually, you have a high chance you may die in this game. Pretty high in fact.”


Blackenwhyte said:

My buddy Jeff once poured through all of the books and found a way using psionic crystals to craft a lightsaber in the D&D universe. He made a double ended one and thus, Darth Smash, the clone of the legendary Sith warrior was born. When that was denied, he returned with characters resembling Drizzt, Sesshomaru from Inuyasha, and Vash the Stampede all with the same names but with a letter changed: Vrizzt, Crash the Stampede, except Sesshomaru was untouched out of respect.


Parish said:

First session with all new players and new GM, had barely introduced ourselves before the GM started us off into the tavern to meet each other. The wizard of our group sits next to my character and says: “Ever seen a nude woman?” He used Bigby’s Hand to grope and undress every woman in the bar. Coupling this with Ventriloquism to make someone else confess to the crime. He then proceeded to pass out RL nude drawings he had done himself. The kicker? He showed up in a full Jack Sparrow outfit.
For the rest of the night he proceeded to use magic for only two purposes, molestation and robbing all the other players while they slept. His alignment was Chaotic Evil of course. Literally the entire night was spent asking the DM to describe female bodies and stealing from other players and altering memories.

You have defeated the Honorable Mentions. You win 40 gold pieces, the actual Winners, and a scroll.


Shatterhoof said:

This was a forum RPG set as a sequel to G Gundam, where players had to pick a country to represent and design their own Gundam, etc. We had attracted some decent writers/players, and all seemed well until we saw the latest submission to the character creation thread.
Some guy wanted to represent Neo Third Reicht Germany, by playing the revived Ghost of Hitler. He piloted, I think, the Reicht Gundam. Appalling enough as that is, his angle for the character was one of tragic hero. The ghost wanted to win the Gundam fight and thus show the world that he was in fact reformed and not a bad guy. His machine was also apparently powered by the souls of the departed from WW2, including Holocaust victims, who joined in some kind of super attack wherein they blast the enemy with the fail and loss of Germany’s golden era.
The God-moding we might have tolerated, but it was the posts centered around revisionist history that just pushed him over the edge.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THAT IS TOTALLY FUCKED UP. I don’t even want to discuss it it’s so awful. There were some pretty terrible RPG characters discussed in this week’s contest, but this fucker takes the cake. Shatterhoof gets a shirt, and let’s never discuss it again.


Matsu said:

Some years ago I encountered a gaming group who was looking for a DM. I made the mistake of volunteering; they wanted an “erotic” game and setting, which was something I was unfamiliar with at the time, but thought could be fun; I wanted to run something with a good story as well as interesting and titillating characters, and I did my best to create a setting and plot that wouldn’t be hurt by whatever sexy-time antics my players got up to– they’d clearly been looking for a DM for this long and I thought, what the hell, why not? Even if I don’t find it fap material myself, I can still tell a good story and have fun, right?
This shall henceforth be known as mistake number one. I really should have started worrying when the entire party was a bunch of lesbians, minus the one half-orc Barbarian who (along with the party monk) remains the only bright spot in what weeping, crippled sludge remains of my memories of the event after the truly heroic amount of alcohol I had to consume in order to forget this ludicrosity.
In order to give you some perspective on how grave this error was, let me outline the plot of the first session:

– Party wakes up trapped in individual cells, wondering how they got there
– Party frees selves/each other from cells
– Party has warm-up monster encounter
– Party discovers underground society of hedonists
– Party gets sticky with whatever it is they want to get sticky with
– Party discovers Something’s Not Right Around Here
– Party is sent on An Important Quest.
This is how it actually went:
– Party wakes up trapped in individual cells. Not overly interested in how they got there.
– Party frees selves/each other from cells, except for party bard, who spends most of her time describing her “wobbling, bobbling, wiggling, jiggling, waggling” ridiculously large tits and doesn’t attempt to get out. Party bard and party rogue have lesbian sex. Party bard remains in the cage during this, until another party member finally convinces her to get out.
– Party has warm-up monster encounter with an evil-aligned mermaid. Mermaid tries to kill party. – – Party weeps in sympathy because, being half-carp, she has probably never had an orgasm.
– Party attempts to have lesbian sex with a fish.
– DM reminds party that fish do not have vaginas,
– Party seeks out mermaid’s “egg slit” to have lesbian sex with it.
– Party hosts lesbian carp orgy.

This process took no less than five hours. Do you know how long five hours is? I could watch any of the Lord of the Rings movies and the special features in five hours. I could cook a Thankgiving dinner. I could build new shelves for my garage. But no. On that day, I instead chose to run a D&D 3.5 game where a group of lesbians with wobbly D-cups had group sex with a goddamn fish.
If I absolutely had to choose just one of these bottom-feeding troglodytes as The Worst Character Ever, the award absolutely goes to Melisande the Stripping Bard, who couldn’t be arsed to get out of a fucking box.

Obviously, this entry is hella long, and thus in direct violation of the Rob-invariably-skips-over-any-entries-that-are-too-long rule. However, it has two things going for it: 1) the direct support of several TR readers, who praised it directly in the contest comments, and 2) it’s about lesbian sex, which admittedly helps me focus my attention. In short, the entry made its saving throw against Rob’s woefully short attention span, so that I read it in its entirety, and my skin crawled at the idea of being in this particular game with these characters. Look, if giving a guy who writes “On that day, I instead chose to run a D&D 3.5 game where a group of
lesbians with wobbly D-cups had group sex with a goddamn fish.” a TR shirt is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and again, fuck you all for making me want to play an RPG again. I can almost hear the d10s rolling in my head…

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.