Yesterday I tweeted that I found a YouTube video that was so awful that it might crack the world in two. I was possibly speaking in hyperbole, but I’m not when I say I would rather the world crack in two, killing every lifeform on Earth rather than have watched this video, sent to me by Topless Roboteer Welshtux (whom I’m will never forgive). Is it as bad as the E.T. porn clip I posted last summer? Well, visually, no. In terms of pure, soul-crushing evil? Yes. Yes it is. And here it is.
Please, watch the video before reading any further.
I’m sorry you had to see that. I fancy myself a writer, but I don’t have the words to truly explain why this video makes me want to kill everyone I see in the mere chance they encounter it, nor the feeling like I would be doing them a favor. I can try, though. Let’s start with the basics.
? He finds female Sonic characters sexy. ? He feels his ranking of female Sonic characters’ sexiness is definitive. ? He believes other people want to see a video of him ranking Sonic characters’ sexiness.
But then we can go a little deeper:
? That he has made a company name and logo for his sexy Sonic character countdown video. ? That he believes Sonic is “one of the greatest and most attractive characters ever thought of.” ? “Best of all, [Sonic’s] blue-colored!” ? That he calls the Sonic universe “Hot Chick Heaven.” ? That he begins with the Sonic equivalent of a 9-year-old girl. ? That his definition of sexiness involves wearing a dress and having three large hair stalks sticking out of one’s head. ? That character #9 has no sexual characteristics whatsoever, is barely even humanoid, and looks like a goddamned Pok?mon. ? “[Vanilla] is attractive and the size of a normal human mother.” ? That four of the first five characters on the list apparently “do almost nothing” in the Sonic universe. ? That Blaze the Cat’s ability to survive in cold climates somehow makes her “sexy.” ? “Her attitude is apparently more different from the other females.” ? How disturbingly excited he gets at Julie-Su/Mobiius’ long pony tail. ? “Who could possibly top those kinds of females?” ? That the #1 entry is the only character in the entire fucking list to actually have breasts. and she’s a bat.
But that’s still only the surface. Look still deeper, and you can see how truly evil this video is, that even Satan, the Prince of Darkness must watch this video and turn his head away in revulsion. Ladies and gentlemen, what depraved mind could have possible done and said the following?
? That his video of the 10 “sexiest” Sonic characters is EIGHT FUCKING MINUTES LONG. ? The godawful, mind-crushingly too-shitty-for-even-AM DJs-style number countdowns, numbers 5 and 2 in particular. ? That he says things like “You can’t deny the fact that [Amy Rose is] still attractive.” ACTUALLY, I CAN, MOTHERFUCKER. I CAN DENY IT PRETTY FUCKING EASILY. ? The fact he says Valentine’s Day is around the corner, when this video was posted on November 27th, 2010. ? That he tells readers to “grab a snack and a glass of orange juice” before the list begins. THAT’S FUCKING WEIRD. ? That of all the horribleness in this video, the idea of a human-mother-sized rabbit and an anthropomorphic crocodile getting together is the only thing he deems “silly.” ? “How could you go wrong with a girl who looks like this?”
?Well, just off the top of my head, she’s A FICTIONAL CHARACTER WHO NOT A MEMBER OF MY SPECIES ? “What’s better than having a female with cascading coils? How about a character with cascading coils… and hair?” ? That he gets genuinely angry at the thought of anyone thinking the fictional femlae bat is not attractive (“How dare you!”). ? The shot of him running in high-speed, as if he were Sonic ? The shot of him running in high speed, as if he were Sonic ? The shot of him running in high speed, as if he were Sonic ? The shot of him running in high speed, as if he were Sonic
And I still don’t think I’ve done this video’s pure evil and wretchedness justice. Ladies and gentlemen, this… this is the heart of darkness. I envy the dead.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.