?700 comments? That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Because there were so many entries, that means there were many, many awesome entries, which means there are many, many, many Honorable Mentions. So let’s skip the formalities and get straight to it.
Monkey boy said:
Pinhead and the Lil Cenobites. Should be good for at least an honorable mention right? It takes place in an elementary school where all the cenobites are students. And the teacher is like nanny from muppet babies so you only see her legs…BUT HER LEGS HAVE NO SKIN.
Eraserhead- The Animated Adventures. With his trusty sidekick/son WTF Boy, who speaks only in horrifying squawks, Henry Spencer travels through the radiator to battle The Orgasming Cooked Game Hen every week in his “EraserMobile”.
Schindler’s List: Oskar Schindler, realizing he ought to have done more with his life and money, makes a list of people he wishes he could save and travels through time with his inventor sidekick Stern (voiced by Oscar Winner Ben Kingsley, star of Bloodrayne!), to fight pirates, robots, Vikings, ninjas and Nazis. (To hide the fact he’s from another time, Oskar wraps his face in bandages, but also wears a non-descript cloak and black hat he finds in a garbage pail.)
The Freddy and Jason Adventure Club! Join the horror icons as they investigate a series of spooky mysteries, doing their best to thwart the meddling teenagers who are usually behind the strange goings-on at Camp Crystal Lake. Featuring the voice of Corey Feldman, reprising his role as Lil’ Tommy Jarvis – a bald-headed moppet who rides on Jason’s shoulders, making fun of Freddy’s bad skin and sending zingers towards his dumb, mute “big brother” while helping his best buds find the bad guys!
Fight Club: The Series
Tyler and Eddie(unnamed in the movie) travel the world to fight the diabolical agents of I.K.E.A(International Krazy and Evil Association). Together with their sassy partner Marla and talking bar of Soap Sudsy, they band together a freedom fighting group known only as Fight Club.
Loosely based on “Sal?, or the 120 Days of Sodom,” the Nazi-infiltrated Italian town of Salo is the backdrop for hilarity!
16 infants are held hostage by dignitaries, traveling to the limits of their imagination — from gumdrop castles to outer space — while their captors attempt to ruin their childhood dreams.
Also starring Schnitzel, the sassy, talking veal cutlet!
Join Kick-Ace, Hit Girl, Big Daddy, and Red Mist as they solve crimes in and out of high school while keeping their secret identities. Big Daddy gets a new job as the football coach and glee club instructor. Plus, each hero is now joined by a faithful animal companion: Impala the Unicorn (Hit Girl), Magnum the Pit Bull (Big Daddy), Bong the Surfing Monkey (Red Mist) and Chee-Chee, the science class chinchilla (Kick Ace). Can they save the environment and make it to regionals?
Saturday mornings this fall: “Oz Boyz”! Join little Vernon, Augustus, Tobias, and the rest of the lovable rapscallions at Oswald Reformatory for Boys as they get up to their wacky hijinks under the noses of the stern Warden Glynn and Sister Peter Marie.
Law&Order Saturday Morning Special Victims Unit-Christopher Meloni and Mariska Hargitay investigate cartoon sex crimes with the help of Jerry Orbachs ghost and a robot voiced by Richard Belzer. In the pilot episode they get to the bottom of who keeps tentacle raping the cast of Sailor Moon.
The Rocky Horror Saturday Morning Show! Join little Frankie Furter and his sidekick Riffy Raff as they use their sonic transducer to travel the cosmos to defeat the evil Dr. (von) Scott and bring fun, music and sexual confusion to every planet they visit!
DUNE: Dancers Under a New Empire
Paul is the new kid at Atreides High. He’s already on the wrong foot with the school’s resident cool crowd because Principle Leto is his hardnose of a father! But Paul’s got some moves they ain’t seen yet! When he teams up with the Fre-men, an all-9th-grade dance squad, he learns that moving without rhythm might just be what they need to win the annual dance-off! Under the freestyle handle of “Mad-Dibs”, Paul and his new girl Chani heat up the dance floor and show everyone that the spice has GOTTA FLOW!
Inglourious Babees n’ The Li’l Hitler Gang
His life’s not a breeze
Friendly blind girl
Ignores his circumstance
Terrorists are bein’ uncaring
Mom and the gang are super daring
Ma Ma Ma Mask
Love adventure and excitement giant head
Ma Ma Ma Mask
See how Rocky rolls, hope he don’t end up dead!
Ma Ma Ma Mask
Hear the Harley’s throttle, good guys always win
We can go anywhere
IF WE DAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!
Playhouse of 1000 Corpses
Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses meets Muppet Babies. Dr. Satan plays the part of Nanny. Special guests are brutally tortured to death.
Marathon Man: The Animated Series. “Is it safe?” It is if you’ve been flossing! This charming series would teach kids the importance of proper dental hygiene, vigorous exercise, and avoiding the hell out of Nazis.
Deathnote: The Animated Series
Hey: if Cartoon Network can make Transformers: The animated series, I say why not Deathnote?
The American version keeps all the fun of the famous Japanese original, only now it’s fun the whole family can share.
Lighty finds a magic notebook and discovers when he writes someone’s name down, they fall asleep for a few hours. Joined by his pal, L, and a friendly shinigami named Ryan, he sets out to capture the elusive thief, Carmen Sandiego.
Grave of the Fireflies: The Wonder Years
Follow Seita and Setsuko around beautiful, war-torn, Japan as they solve local mysteries in exchange for rice. Also they have a talking pet firefly called Mr Hotaru who’s main job is to make hilarious observations and every now and again prevent Setsuko from eating the marbles.
… wait a minute… Grave of the Fireflies was originally released as a kids film?
John Q. said:
Title; Sophie’s Earlier Choice
A series aimed at young teens. It’s a touching coming-of-age tale of a young girl, Sophie, and the struggle she has between the two boys who hold a special place in her heart. Every episode starts ‘How I Met Your Mother’ style, with an older Sophie telling her two babies of the hardest choice she ever had to make…
The Knight said:
Persona: The Animated Movie.
Take Ingmar Bergman’s cold, unbearable story of an actress turned mute and her emotionally crippled nurse slowly emotionally devouring each other until there is nothing truly left of either of them. Add a touch of Gem and the Holograms, and you have the most exciting new show for young girls.
Elisabet is a great actress and singer, but she’s in big trouble. The villainous ‘Stage Fright’ wants to take away her talent and her voice so that she cannot perform, and it’s up to Elisabet and her sidekick Alma, a cheerful, chatty nurse, to make sure the show must go on. Filled with equal parts musical performances and sudden bursts of ‘wait, what the hell was that’ imagery, it’s perfect for girls age 8-14.
It may or may not also be in Swedish.
Brando Calrissian said:
I actually have a few of these in the bank, but I think the one I’ll have to go with is..
TRAPPED IN THE CLASSROOM with Lil’ R. Kelly and pals.
Back in the day, we learned our morals from an episode of Full House, but I think I would have listened a little bit more if our morality plays had some soul to them. Turning Trapped in the Closet characters such as Sylvester, Chuck, Rufus, Gwendolyn, Twan, Pimp Luscious, Bridget, The Ghost of Christmas Past, and Big Man (especially Big Man) into tykes in a classroom would translate pretty well. Think of a twisted version of Muppet Babies, but with singing the whole time and Rosie the Nosy Neighbor as Nanny. And a lot of the storylines could switch over easily as well. For example, instead of seeing the consequences of cheating on your spouse getting you shot or a mysterious p-p-p-package, you would learn about the consequences of cheating on a test.
Bonus: a photo of Rosie the Nosy Neighbor as Nanny: http://bit.ly/ftv7kh
Passion of the Christ Pals!
Two archeologists and their ethnic friend keep traveling back in time when they accidentally activate their super-powered rings given to them by Mel Gibson, and they always end up in wacky adventures during the last hours of Jesus’ life! Come along as they learn about the power of friendship, sacrifice, snakes, history, communion, and saying no to drugs. Mel Gibson shows up at the end of each episode to sum up the lesson of the day and say goodbye. Animated by Oriental Light and Magic and licensed for North America by 4Kids.
Watch the new adventures of lil’ Guts and friends! The gang get up to wacky adventures while avoiding the greedy schemes of Guts’ mean stepdad, Gambino! And that’s not all… Guts has a crush on his classmate Casca, but the zany advances of pretty-boy Griffith leave her speechless!
Kama Sutra: The Animated Series
Followed by The Wacky Misadventures of Planned Parenthood
Title: Mark, and His Pal Facebook
Source Material: The Social Network (2010)
Premise: Young Mark Zuckerberg is unwillingly sucked into his computer one night while coding and finds himself in a world of digital phenomena. He begins a journey to find his way out of the computer, solving mysteries with a lovable virus named Facebook (who is a floating book with a face on it) who keeps his spirits high. Facebook of course would be voiced by Frank Welker, the voice of Orbitty from The Jetsons. Mark Zuckerberg would be voiced by Barry Gordon, the voice of Donatello on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Ichi the cuddler.
little bear goes around and hugs people in very graphic detail
Hans Beckert is a wacky free-spirit who loves to give candy and balloons to children. He makes a new little friend each week who tries to help him discover what happened to his last little friend. Hans and his friend have to avoid the machinations of the Criminal Underworld who are trying to blame Hans for the disappearences!
The show will teach kids that everyone you meet really means well, and your parents are totally square for preventing you from getting free candy!
Hotel Rwanda: the Animated Series
MANOS: The Hands of Fun!
Come on down to the Master’s Cartoon Playhouse! Every week a new guest star makes a wrong turn down the lonely back road to the Playhouse. Your old pal Torgo watches the place while the Master is away. He’ll be there to meet the likes of Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga and basketball sensation LeBron James. Together they’ll play fun games like “Find Peppy the Poodle!” But the Master isn’t away, he’s just waiting for the special guest to say the word of the day before surprising them. Gets Torgo every time! And of course, the Master’s dog will be there and those wacky quarreling wives of his. Ladies, ladies, wrestling around in diaphanous robes is no way to decide whose turn it is to read today’s viewer letter! Guests love the Master’s Cartoon Playhouse so much, they never want to leave! So, come laugh, learn and play the MANOS way.
Donnie Darko’s Time Squad!
Every week, Donnie, his cuddly rabbit pal Frank and best girl Gretchen learn about history as they travel through time with his magical jet engine! Along the way they solve mysteries with information sent to them by beings from the future. Be sure to enjoy the catchy theme song, “Proud to be Loud” by the Dead Green Mummies!
M. Night Shamylan’s The Last Airbender: The Series
No, not the original show. A separate animated series based on the movie.
Let Me In: The Adventures of Owen and Abby
Follow Cheerful Boy Owen and Friendly Vampire Girl Abby as they travel the world teaching kids about the joys of understanding and standing up to bullies through song and dance numbers. Be good to each other, kids…or else!
Two Girls, One Cup, One Gazoo
Hanna-Barbera’s The Saturday Morning Temptations of Christ.
The weekly sacrilegious, slapstick hi-jinks of Jesus and his imaginary family as they live wacky alternate lives. Weekly guests include the Harlem Globetrotters, Sonny & Cher, Laurel & Hardy, and Pontius Pilate.
This week, Jesus and his family live the lives of a:
? Race Car Driver
? Demolition Expert
? Pastry Chef
? Hollywood Producer
? Telephone Operator
? Refrigerator Repairman
? Navy Seal
? Geek Squad
? New Yorker Cartoonist
? Martyr – Come on. Series Finale. The one time we all expect it to all be a dream. . .or is it?
Werner Herzog’s Nosferatots
The vampiric plague rats that wallow in the wake of Nanny Orlok’s reign of misery in central Europe have infected a local nursery, and there’s nothing these shrunken, hungry toddlers love more than adventure! Provided they don’t have to cross moving water without a chestful of their native earth, they’ll go on all kinds of wacky adventures! Like most cartoon nannies, we never see Nanny Orlok’s full body, but only his spidery, withered hands. Guest starring Grizzly Man and his friendly, trustworthy bears, and the enigmatic Kaspar Hauser.
Pastor Saturn said:
The Big Nap.
Phillip Marlowe has a tough case. Seems some loopy dame owes all her lunch money to a local librarian who don’t play by the rules.
But he’ll discover it takes more than a loaded water pistol, cootie filled broads and crooked hall monitors to get to the truth.
How does Phillip like his Kool-Aid.
In a sippy cup.
Magical Girl Audition!
Few people would think that quiet little Asami had a bold side. By day she’s a meek actress trying to find jobs, but she’s so clutzy that it’s really tough! But every night she returns home to her best friend magical penguin Piiki, and with the magical heart syringe, she transforms her into Magical Girl Audition! She finds bad middle-aged men on the streets and puts them into her magical burlap sack to be “rehabilitated”… MAGICALLY! It’s a story of believing in yourself and saving the earth!
Steve C. said:
She’s fought for the Nazis… she’s kept a harem in the Middle East… she’s been a warden in a women’s prison… and she’s been exiled to Siberia. Now, her greatest adventure…
“ILSA: She-Wolf of Saturday Morning!” Follow Ilsa around the world as she helps little girls prove they can be as strong as boys! Thrill as she defeats her enemies with the help of her throwing swastikas and her lupine sidekick Wolfe, who has the ability to hold his… breath… indefinitely! It’s “Kim Possible” with a Teutonic twist!
“Brokeback Mountain Range”
Each week the Brokeback Boys climb a new mountain in search of pirate treasure, but they never find it, so each new episode they move onto a new mountain. They pitch a tent, just before each commercial break and go in to take a nap. After each commercial break they exit the tent looking slightly upset and more tired than before their nap. And uh, also they have talking comedic horses.
–The Animated Adventures of Sasha Gray–
Join Sasha as she finds fun exploits in acting and studying philosophers like Kierkegaard and Wilde. With her sidekick Lickey the Toilet Seat she’ll uncover many great mysteries. Watch out as Tyra Banks and the Moral Brigade of America tries to stop Sasha’s fun. Join Sasha as she works on the set of Entourage, various gang bangs, and making it to the AVN Awards and, eventually, the Oscars. It’s like Pinky and the Brain if Brain was a lithe porn starlet who licked piss off toilet seats while getting it up the butt.. at the same time saying you’re promoting feminism.
Man Bites Dog: The Animated Series.
Join the loveable Ben and his talking dog who longs to be a film director as they keep those officious postmen from delivering to their house through the use of wacky Goldberg machines.
How could this one not be taken:
The secret diary of Anne Frank, aged 13 1/2
“Sal’s Famous: Kidz!” We all know that Mookie, Jade, Buggin’ Out and Radio Raheem grew up on Sal’s Famous pizza, and this is that story! Every week, Sal, Mother Sister and Da Mayor have to get those tykes out of trouble — like a contest with their main rivals Vito, Pino and Sonny! Mookie always tries to think up a plan, with the help of Giuseppe the Talking Trashcan, until the friendly neighborhood Brooklyn Police Dept steps in to cool everybody off. More fun than you can shake a baseball bat at!
FoxKids brings you the touching story of family that sticks together thru thick and thin.
Mom and Dad are joined at the hip.
Their kids are always close behind.
The Grandparents love to get involved.
Even Rover will jump in on the fun.
Join them for all the animated action and the adventures of the clan they call…..
“Requiem for a Dream”
Follows the “Captain Planet” template.
The team relies on their trusty dragon to lead them to situations in which there is drug related crimes. Bad guys include Antoine Eightball and U.B.Trippin.
The five members chase their dragon to these situations and use and unite their powers to overcome (Name: Cheer , Power)
? Speedy: Uppers! , Super Speed
? Debbie: Downers! , Hypnosis
? Ellis D.: Hallucinogens! , Mind
? Oxy: Opiates! , Healing Powers
? Data: Heart! , Master Chemist
“By your powers combined, I am Sarge Intervention (or Sargent Ervention)”
Multicolored being resembling the Dude from Lebowski
“Starman” Matt Morrison said:
ZARDOZ: The Animated Series
Plot: Uh… we’re still not sure what that movie was about. But we figure animated Sean Connery as Zed can’t look any stupider than Lion-O. Zed will be a Hugger, employed by The Eternals to fight the evil Nasties. Also, there will be a giant stone head flying around that says the following…
“The hug is good. The Nasties are evil. The Nasties spread cooties and makes new icky things to poison the Earth with a plague of cotties as once it was, but the hug scaries off Nasties, and purifies the Earth of the filth of Nasties. Go forth . . . and hug!”
Yet more mentions and the actual winners on the next page.
Sometimes, when I do these “imagine the worst thing possible”-type contests, people accidentally think of ideas that are genuinely awesome. Here are some cartoons that, ill-advised as they might be are still kind of good ideas. Basically, I would watch the shit out of these cartoons:
Blue Tank Top said:
GWAR: The Saturday Morning Mayhem.
Plot: Oderus Urungus, Beefcake the Mighty, Balsac the Jaws of Death and the rest of the gang try and find the evil Techno Destructo before he can blow up Uranus.
Evil Dead the animated series. Ash and his buddies Handy and Woody the “friendly” tree hunt the Necronomicon and the deadites across time.
It would end with a helpful lesson on gun safety or safe chainsaw operation like Gi-Joe used to. And knowing is half the battle!
Was Here… Twitch Was Here said:
Really, you can the regulars of this here website into just about any cartoon scenario and would basically be the greatest thing ever. I’m partial to a Superhero Squad-style show myself.
Chibified Scoot and his team of fast-talking smartass heroes (Ruby, Lizzie, Zortt, DJRM, Sango, etc.) battle the evil forces of Dr. Abraxas and his soul-destroying fanfic while attempting to recover the ‘sploded shards of Rickicker. And of course there will be guest appearances galore, with most of the regulars as heroes, and particularly painful fanfic creators as villains.
And of course Rob will make a cameo appearance ala Stan Lee in all the movies & stuff, just for funsies.
Time Lady Gaga: An immortal Lady Gaga bounces around in time in her malfunctioning Time Egg. She and the Egg’s super-computer, Alejandro, save history using only her dimensionally transcendent wardrobe trunk and the Power of Camp.
The Harlem Knights starring Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx and Eddie Murphy as actual knights. A time machine is found in the basement of Sugar Ray’s (Pryor)casino and our 1920s hustlers are sent back to days of King Arthur. They meet the Lady of the Lake who gives them special weapons that bestow them with powers. Eddie gets a bow, Pryor gets a sword, and Redd gets a magical staff.
The trio befriend a goodly baby dragon called “smokes” (voiced by Arsenio Hall) and help Arthur battle the forces of evil.
Lincoln Paradox said:
Cthulhu the Menace
Visit the coolest kid on Planet Vrool, Cthulhu the Menace. Cthulhu and his friends Dagon, Mi-go and the Shoggoth Twins try to survive kindergarten, but that mean old Mr. Yog-Sothoth has it out for Cthulhu. With stories taken directly from “Mad” Al Alhazred’s classic comic strip, your kids will enjoy Cthulhu’s hi-jinks so much, it will drive them INSANE!
Lady Pants said:
“An Awesome History of Time!” with Professor Stephen Rocking.
Also deserving of a special Honorable Mention are Dancoe and BobJ, who entered these two entries precisely at 5:22pm EST on Friday:
The Human Centipide. Giant robots link up ass-to-mouth, Volton-style, to fight the evil Dr. Heiter who created them.
A pesky teenage crime fighting trio that link up in times of duress shouting “Centipede power!” to form “The Human Centipede”
Wacky! And, last but certainly not least, I want to recognize the lovely RubyRoses for going above and beyond the call of Topless Roboteering when she wrote the following:
far too drunk to check..ill-advised cartoon spin-offs you say?
uck I wish i had more sensei’mma try to think about what ROb loves..
becausr that’s what important right?
oka i got he-man…so
characters in he-man..
His animal cat beast thing that transforms into whatever.
hgets his own spin off like, meerkat manor, cameras kinda sorta follow him around, trbies and shit NO
Fuck he-beast, goes travelling through the desert trying to convert/save/punish the soldiers of HORDAK [hordak is it Hordak rob I have no idea onl have caught like 2-3 episodes of She-Ra, but dear lord do I love it, fuck she’s cool, she-ra, she-ra indeed]
so he-deast from he-man converst the adversary from she-ra someinto allies some just fucking bite it..
but how about the whole time je’s not even in his “Fuck yeah I’m totally bitching, I kick ass, He-man fucking RIDE me!!” bt he’s in his “OMGZ I”M SO FUCKING WHINEY
ABOUT EVERYTHING EVEN THOUGH I”M ADORABLE” mode..
TELL ME THAT SHOW ISN”T ILL ADVISED TELL ME THAT ROB?
Also I’m going to regret this tomorrow.
p.s. tell me this, right here, this post, isn;ta good reason to bring live-blogs back?
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT IT BACK ROB??
About fucking anything, randomly, whenever you feeel like it? Take anything, long as I’m home, I WON”T STOP BUGGIN GYOU ABOUT THIS.
This… this is a masterpiece. Some day kids will study it in school alongside T.S. Eliot and Emily Dickinson. As for RubyRoses’ problem (other than, you know, alcohol poisoning), unfortunately there won’t be any TR live-blogs for the time being. The problem is that I find myself having to do a lot of freelance work to make ends meet, which takes up a lot of my evenings. And the few nights I have free I’d prefer to keep free. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be into doing a special live-blog event here and there, mind you, it’s just that I can’t do anything more regular until I’m not quite so financially… precarious. My apologies. If some special episode or event comes up you want a TR live-blog for, please, email me and let me know.
All right, enough about me. It’s time for Winners.
GGW The Series
Girls Gone wild founder Joe Francis forms a “tween” squad of girls to travel the world while fighting the evil group of parents that have formed T.I.T.S. (The Icky Terror Society). The team consists of Emily the blond buxom bombshell that is also a cheerleader on the JV squad, whos speciality is high kicks and her “rah-rah” double punch. Ashley the brunette geek girl with glasses that can “hack” any computer. Olivia, who is a feisty red head who is known for her martial arts and her quick temper. And to round off the team you have Faith, the loner goth girl with the voice of an angel. Useing her special sonic song she makes men “want to blow”.
With a quick lift of their shirt they transform into the GGG girls. With their special skills and help from their pet N.I.P.P.L.E (Non intelligent proto plasm lifeform equivalent) they do everything they can on camera while trying to keep their identities from their dads…
This is so fucking wrong I can barely stand it. And the worst (best?) part is that I can almost see it happening. Girls Gone Wild is an immensely popular and well-known brand, including among girls — girls who have no problem taking their tops off and/or low self-esteem and daddy issues. Tragically, there would actually be a young female audience for this cartoon. I could actually see it working. And that’s what disturbs me the most.
I know Sabreman suggested Schindler’s List as a time-travel cartoon. I was thinking Schindler’s List as a Pokemon knockoff. Where he’s gotta catch ’em all. It feels wrong just writing that. So Schindler and his serious-to-the-point-it’s-funny sidekick Stern spend episodes adding Jewish refugees to… THE LIST, then trains them for battle against the evil Team Goeth.
Schindler’s List as a Pok?mon rip-off? THAT IS THE WORST/BEST/WORST IDEA EVER. JUST READING THAT PARAGRAPH ENSURES YOU’RE GOING TO HELL. And since SaveALemming wrote it, he should probably get a TR shirt in exchange for his eternal damnation.
Everyone else, you get my thanks for entering. Sorry about the hell thing. Maybe if we’re lucky Satan will put us all on the same level or something.