Potential U.S. Akira Casting Rumors Make My Brain Pull a Kaneda

I know I just railed against talking about casting rumors earlier today, and here I am posting about some casting rumors. However, while the JGL/Dark Knight Rises confusion is just kind of irritating, the reported shortlist for the actors being considered for Kaneda and Tetsuo in the American Akira remake are… well, see for yourself (from Deadline):

There are two major roles, and I’m told that for Tetsuo, Robert
Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and James McAvoy have been given the new
script. For the role of Kaneda, the script has been given to Garrett
Hedlund, Michael Fassbender, Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake and Joaquin
Phoenix. The two leads are expected to come from that group of actors.

?I… I don’t even know where to begin with this. Now, I wrote off the American Akira adaptation the second I heard of it; it’s just one of those things too intrinsic to a time and place (1980s Japan) to work in Neo-Manhattan in 2013 or whatever. But still, HOLY SHIT THIS CAST. Kaneda and Tetsuo are fucking teens — I know those roles are often played by actors in their 20s (Pattinson and Garfield) but McAvoy, Fassbender, Pine, and Phoenix are in their goddamn mid-30s! Michael Fassbender looks like he’s 45! Why not cast 80-year-old Bill Shatner and Leonard Nimoy, and call it Grumpy Old Men 3: The Akira Incident?

The tragedy is that these guys aren’t bad actors, it’s just that they’re totally inappropriate for the roles. And while I’m sure some of you are freaking about Robert Pattinson being included, you should remember two things: 1) he hates Twilight more than anybody, and 2) even if you can’t stand him, if he was Tetsuo, he would be beaten up, shot with a satellite, and end up exploding in a massive mound of flesh. Seems to me like you should want him cast more than anybody.

The real tragedy is that Japan has already suffered enough recently. I think as payback, they should get to remake one of our beloved, classic comics in the way they see fit. Like maybe Watchmen, set in the present day, and every character is a 14-year-old schoolgirl in a sailor suit.

…

Actually, I would love to see that. They need to think of something more punishing. Anyways, thanks to everyone who sent this horrible, depressing tip in.