8 Lovable Cinematic Knock-Offs of the ’70s and ’80s

?In an age where companies like Asylum are always ready to ride the coattails of the newest big-budget Hollywood blockbuster with a straight-to-DVD rip-off — e.g., Transformers become Transmorphers, Snakes on a Plane becomes Snakes on a Train, and Sherlock Holmes becomes… er… Sherlock Holmes (but with CG dinosaurs!) — it’s easy to forget that there was once a time when ripping off a popular new movie wasn’t just a cash-grab, but also an art form. Back in the days before the home video market, these would-be movie studios would simply see what the most recent hit was, copy it the cheapest way possible, add some extra violence and nudity, and profit. Sure this resulted in countless dull, lifeless imitations, but every once in a while there was a film so blatant in its rip-off-age, or so batshit crazy, it made for its own compelling cinematic experience. Here, we take a look at eight of these films — they might not necessarily be good, but good lord, they are entertaining. WARNING: Many of these movie trailers contains bare breasts, and are thus NOT SAFE FOR WORK. I don’t know why the YouTube censors fell asleep at the wheel for so many of these, but god bless ’em.

8) Deathstalker

Churned out of the prolific Roger Corman factory, 1983’s Deathstalker sought to capitalize on the swords-and-sorcery craze of the early ’80s with predictably cheesy, low budget results. The story follows the titular warrior, a muscle-bound man of few words and fewer brain cells, as he finds himself on a quest to defeat a tyrannical sorcerer. Deathstalker is a treat for camp enthusiasts and B-movie lovers alike; it’s fun and lightweight as it goes through the required motions of its sub-genre, which it does with zest. Scantily (or not at all) clad maidens? Check. A variety of villainous baddies? Check. Bloodletting swordplay and magical hocus pocus? Check. A buxom female warrior love interest? Check. A eyeball eating sock puppet? Che– wait, what?

7) Alacarda

After Ken Russell released the infamous spectacle that was The Devils in 1971, two things followed; controversy and a tide of nunsplotation knock-offs, most notably the 1975 Mexican production Alacarda. The plot follows nubile orphan Justine, whose life in a convent takes a turn for the demonic after meeting the strange, titular girl in black. The two become inseparable; alas, as everyone knows, girl-on-girl infatuation always leads to nude blood packs, cavorting with sinister gypsies, satanic orgies out in the woods and last but not least, full-on demonic possession. After scandalizing the nunnery with their blasphemous behavior, the clergy decide that a good ol’ fashioned medieval exorcism should straighten the gals out (i.e., torture). This only serves to unleash Alacarda’s demonic powers — namely the ability to burn nuns alive, and needless to say the shit hits the fan.

6) Conquest

A Conan cash-in directed by Lucio Fulci in ’83 — need I say more? The mastero directs this film (which looks like it was shot through a camera lens made of greasy cardboard) with his love of outrageous gore fully intact. Our muscular heroes brave the wild Italian countryside while dealing with attacks from swamp zombies, monsters that look to be out of Jim Henson’s Dark Crystal stage and a malevolent topless sorceress. All sorts of drug-induced scenarios follow (seriously, Fulci must have been tripping major balls when he filmed this).

5) Zombie

Although this Fulci film is hailed as one of the best zombie films ever, don’t think it’s not a knock-off — it was churned out in 1979 to capitalize off the success of the 1978 zombie masterpiece Dawn of the Dead, and was even released overseas as Zombi 2 and promoted as a DotD sequel. Only instead of a shopping mall, our hapless zombie fodder is stuck on a low-rent Caribbean island where some quack doctor with a hot wife are investigating the zombie phenomena. Anyhoo, these aren’t your run-of-the-mill zombies — in the movie’s most famous scene, a shark takes on a zombie on the ocean floor… and loses. Seriously. nothing says “don’t fuck with us” like kicking a shark’s ass underwater. Of course there’s more: conquistadors rise from their graves, guts are munched on, some Molotov cocktails are thrown, and a girl gets the world’s worst splinter ever. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the topless scuba diving in zombie and shark infested waters.

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4) Galaxy of Terror

This 1981 Alien knock-off does feature a plot pretty similar to Alien and a Xenomorph-esque monster, but does Alien have a scene where a giant worm rapes a female crew member to death. Didn’t think so.

3) Barbarian Queen

This 1985 cash-in gives Conan the gender bender treatment in order to include more bare breasts. After their peaceful village is razed and the survivors sold off to the slave markets; a group of Amazonian female warriors take it upon themselves to embark on a perilous rescue mission with bloody retribution and cleavage-bearing tops. The highlight of the film is when the titular barbarian is being tortured by a madman in his lair, and she uses her trusty vice-grip vagina to ensnare her villainous captor and send him right into an acid bath.

2) Lady Terminator

This insane Indonesian Terminator rip-off from 1989 stars a snotty American anthropology student who gets possessed by the dreaded South Sea Queen of Indonesian folklore (via the traditional snake entering the vagina) and embarks on murderous spree of sex (her paramours have the unfortunate fate of having Evil Dead-levels of blood spray from their crotches during coitus). Doesn’t sound very Terminator-like, does it? As it turns out, this ancient South Sea Queen spirit is a huge fan of James Cameron’s classic, and thus decides her supernatural vengance would be best carried out with automatic weapons and T-1000 vision. Seriously, this flick lifts entire scenes from Terminator, namely the iconic police station assault, the self-surgery scene, and
dialogue such as “Come with me if you want to live” and “If it bleeds,
it can die.” 

1) Starcrash

The rip off to end all rip offs, Starcrash is a Roger Corman studio production from ’79 featuring a pre-Baywatch David Hasselhoff. Where to begin? Maybe with the opening shot which is an exact replica of A New Hope. Soon we meet a pair of smugglers who are summoned by the Imperial empire and told via a hologram that they are the galaxy’s “only hope” (sound familiar?). Add a bit of lightsaber wielding, some cave men in place of the Sand People and last but not least a worrisome, anxiety prone droid and you get the point — however, unlike C-3PO, L is actually pretty useful and saves the day through sheer badassary on several occasions. Despite the whole sale rip-offage Starcrash does have it moments of spontaneous originality; you’d never hear C-3P0 exclaim “Look, amazons on horseback!” And actually, Starcrash presciently features a Hoth-like planet and a scene where the smuggler gets frozen and rescued. Did Empire and Return of the Jedi possibly rip off Starcrash in return? No chance in hell. But it’d be funny to tease George Lucas about.