Hammer Time: And the Winners Are…

?You know, I didn’t think “A day with Mjolnir” was actually much of a contest idea, even though I thought of it. I was genuinely worried that you guys would have trouble thinking of ideas. Obviously, I needn’t have worried, because you guys knocked this shit out of the park. With a hammer. A magic hammer.

Two things before we get started: 1) Thanks so much to Mighty Fine for sponsoring this week’s contest; you probably noticed because they show up in Geek Apparel of the Week almost every other week, but I really think they make some awesome nerd shirts. 2) More importantly, if you weren’t one of this contests’ three winners, Mighty Fine has been awesome enough to offer all Topless Robot readers 15% off any Thor t-shirt they want — and their entire order too, as long as you’re getting a Thor tee! Use the coupon code MJOLNIR — oh, and this coupon is good through June 10th! Seriously, Mighty Fine = some cool cats. But enough introductions! Verily, thy winners and honorable mentions art after the jump!

Verily, these mentions doth have great honor! I mean, honour! Whatever.

Jeremy:

Portals, you say? I think I’d find as many white walls as I possibly can, and go nuts.

Doc:

All I would use it for would be to crack nuts, maybe tenderize a steak.
I wouldn’t use it to utterly obliterate said nuts or steak, I would just use it for those purposes.
That way for the rest of my life whenever someone asked me what I did with the power of Mjolnir for a day I could tell them…
…and then drink their sweet, sweet fanboy tears.

DE12:

I would take it with me to see the movie. And when it is over, I would shout:
“Verily, this Chris Hemsworth has truly done justice to mine image. I must thank him.”
Then I would use the hammer to fly out through the roof of the theater.

Travis:

I’d start my own stage show where I would smash food with it, and put Gallagher to shame. Instead of plastic sheets to protect themselves, the audience would need lightning rods, because I’d be known for frying the first few rows. “FOUL, WATERMELON! I SAY THEE NAY!”

Jerry Resendes:

If I had Thor’s hammer
I’d hammer in the morning
I’d hammer in the evening
All over this land
I’d hammer out danger
I’d hammer out a warning
I’d hammer out love between my brothers and my sisters
All over this land

Nic Neidenbach:

First; Open a Portal to Asgard
Second; Asguardian pub crawl with the Warriors Three
Third; Try (and likely fail) to pick up Sif
Fourth; Flip off Loki just on principle

Kazoshea:

I would smash Keanu Reeves into powder with it and then open a portal and blow the powder into a super nova, just to remove any posibility of him starring in the Akira remake.

Erwin:

I’d use Mjolnir to make daddy stop hitting mommy.

Dongtacular:

I w?uld d? wh?t ?ny nerd wielding unim?ginable p?wer in the sh?pe of a h?mmer sh?uld d?; sm?sh Mich?el B?y’s he?d in.

Greg Easton Photo:

I would tell people the hammer is my penis and then hammer a six-inch spike through a board while proclaiming “Susan, I hath done it!”

TheFame00:

Use it to create a portal, allowing me to burst through the movie screen at one of the 3D showings of Thor, giving those in the theater a true 3 D experience, as well as scare the crap out of the punk kids in the front row, while shouting “Verily thou hast gotten the 3D experience you paid for at last!”

Mythbri:

I would take Mjolnir and use it to smash Ashton Kutcher’s car and cell phone. And then I’d use it to make it rain as he walked home. I might even sneak him backwards through a few portals to make him walk even further. Basically, I’d try to ruin his day as much as I could.
Why? Because he’s a dick. That’s why. It would be the most epic Punking ever.

Bibphile:

I would challenge a steam drill to a steel-driving contest, and become a folk hero of the American West.

Tanner Johnson:

Honestly, I’d probably just use the ability to summon lightning and thunder to punctuate my everyday speech. “I demand a sandwich!” KRAKOW!!!! “EASY ON THE MAYO!” BRAKAKAKOOM!!!

Arivalscientist:

Verily, yon pitiful answers are but a pale reflection of what I wouldst perform with the Mighty Mjolnir . Forsooth, I say, that I wouldst use the mighty hammer to summon forth the very elemental forces of nature to smite mine high school guidance counselor who once spoketh unto me that I wouldst not amount to nigh a thing in thine dimension of Midgard. HAVE AT THEE, MR. THOMPSON!!

Afterwards, I shal use the enchanted Mjolnir to achieve the greatest glory of all time by producing the most epic high score that will ever be achieved on yon pitiful Whack A Mole machine!!
Then I would totally pick up chicks!!
So sweareth this nerd!!

Steve C.:

I’d take it to the bar and, for a night, be the most eye-popping, flair-flinging, pantie-moistening mixologist the world has ever seen. You’ve had it shaken… you’ve had it stirred… but have you ever had your drink MIXED BY A DAMN TORNADO??? Like hell you have.
(Plus, it’d give me free reign to make as many “smashed” or “hammered” puns as my brain to puke forth. Which is just bonus points.)

Tim Phillips:

Most epic monopoly piece ever

Diana:

I’m a Dutch teacher, so I would take Mjolnir with me to work. With the weather improving each day, a lot of students keep asking me if they can’t follow class while sitting outside. I say no, each time, but they keep asking anyway. Now, with Mjolnir at my side, I would point it at that student, let rain clouds darken the sky and yell: “I SAY THEE NAY!”

And, just for effect, I’d let a thunderbolt strike said student. Just for the fun of it.

EvrwrldBB:

Two words: Lobster Dinner. I would head straight to Red Lobster whereupon I, as god of thunder, would choose two sacrifical lobsters to feel the sting of my mighty hammer. And I would proceed to bash the crustaceons to smithereens, along with the table, and the floor. I would also occasionally scream “I say thee CRAY! fish…” And no one would correct me, because I would be holding a giant hammer made of Uru.

John E:

There’s this guy I know who’s a huge jerk. He’s one of those guys that will condescend to you while pretending to be your friend, and then he’ll sleep with the girl you’re dating [this actually happened].

I would fly to his house and hit him in the groin with Mjolnir.

“Verily, thou hast been dicksmashed!” I would say.

Then, I’d probably just go watch Thor again. It was pretty good.

Laura Kelley:

Since this hammer can kill the undead (including vampires), I would use it to kill all the Cullens, starting with the boring supporting ones and ending with Edward, and right before I killed him, I would look into his glittery eyes and say “vampires. don’t. sparkle.” Then the Twilight Saga would basically just be me wielding my hammer of justice and making vampires cool again.

I would also use it to create antimatter, which apparently it can do, and leave obscure clues across the world to pique Dan Brown’s interest. He would eventually find me and I’d take him down too (he’s not undead, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t immune to getting hit with a hammer). Not only have I made a whole bunch of Twihards cry with the first one, I also just saved literature with both of those.

Bazzzinga:

Well when no one was looking I’d use the hammer to fly into a cake shop and take forty cakes, thats right 40 cakes, thats as many as four tens and that would be a terrible thing to do with the Mjolnir

Chyromaniac:

1) Use Mjolnir to demolish some old building
2) Locate Singing Frog
3) Make Millions…

HermitsUnited:

I’ve never been a fan of Thor (or Marvel in general for that matter), so I wouldn’t actually use the hammer. Instead, I would go to the craft store, buy hot pink glitter-paint, craft glue, rhinestones and other fake gems, feathers, those little decoupage scrapbook thingies with princess crowns and unicorns and fairy wands on them. Then, I would go nuts, covering Mjolnir with this ungodly array, topping it all off with “Thorie”s Hammer” written on the side in big white cursive lettering. Then, I would hand the hammer back to its rightful owner and watch the reactions unfold.

Thatdudette:

I’d make a very small yet highly satisfying cameo in an MC Hammer video. And wink at the camera every time somebody said “Hammer Time”.

Mel:

I have lived in this one hundred year-old house that is basically a giant death-trap since I was eight. Asbestos siding, poorly constructed floors, drafty windows, leaky ceilings…you name it, I’ve got it. I tried moving away, but somehow I ended up right back. My husband has made it his life’s goal to fix up this house. Seems innocent enough, until you learn that my father had the same dream when he bought the house. My stepmother has since died in this house, my stepsister went insane, and my father is now a shell of what he once was from trying to keep up this house.

Now, my family and I have no where else to live. We couldn’t afford to live anywhere else. So we’re basically stuck here in this broken-down soul-sucking house until we die.
That is, unless I had Mjolnir. The house wouldn’t stand a chance. I would be destroying the only home my children and I can afford, but it would be worth screaming “YOU WON’T TAKE ME!! I’LL SEND YOU TO HELL FIRST!!!” and smashing that son of a bitch to powder. Ridding humanity of this godforsaken house…it would be worth it.

Cbesrun:

Write “Pronounced: myol-neer” on the side in sharpie.

Alex:

I’d use the hammer to smelt my own sword. Then I would challenge Terry Pratchett to a sword fight.

Duck:

I’d do a few home improvement projects, like nail up some pictures on my wall. And then use it as a paperweight.

And then I’ll go hit the people that came up with similar suggestions to mine.

M3xicanstandoff:

I would become a public notary and in full Thor gear use Mjolnir to notarize every document that day. Forget the whole “With great power, comes great responsibility” thing, just imagine how awesome it would be to get your will or deed notarized by the God of Thunder. I would say things like the “The Odinson doth make this mortal document legal by doth full power of Asgard!” before swinging and smashing Mjolnir full force down on an unsuspecting piece of paper, crushing everything around it and flashing lightning everywhere.

JaymusYawsley:

I’d assume that I had received it by mistake and proceed to spend the rest of my day trying to get any frog that I could find to hold it.

Gracekelly812:

I would use Mjolnir to fasten Chris Hemsworth-as-Thor to my bed. I would then have my way with him for pretty much the whole day. The hammer would be hidden in the closet during this part because I’m pretty sure it would be corrupted by watching me ravish Chris Hemsworth nine ways from Sunday. I feel like a corrupted Mjolnir would wreak havoc on several worlds and would generally be a very bad thing. At the end of the day, I would let Chris Hemsworth go, because if you love a Chris Hemsworth, you let it go. But I would hang on to Mjolnir just in case he didn’t come back of his own free will.

During breaks, I would put together Ikea bookshelves.

By Odin’s beard! Those entries were magnificent, but these entries are more magnificent still! And they’ll be getting their choice of Thor-themed t-shirts, courtesy of Mighty Fine, a gift truly worthy of a god! Or at least a god who needs a t-shirt!

Jim Meyer:

Verily, were I to posses the might of the mystic mallet Mjiolnir for but a day, my chosen task would be as clear to me as a gnat’s taint to bright-eyed Heimdal. Hurtling the hammer heavenward, I would reach the very clouds and spin Mjiolnir with the speed of Sliepnir until I had pierced the veil of time! Traveling backward to a hot July day in 1996, I would raise Mjiolnir aloft to smite the very clouds calling down amighty torrent!

You see, that was the day my roommates and I decided to send our couch to Valhalla! A noble end for fine f furniture, carried aloft by the Valkyrie to provide comfortable seating to the brave fallen warriors awaiting the final battle! Unwisely, however, being young lords, we used two cans of lighter fluid on that couch. The flames did leap high as a frost giants navel! They also caught our shed on fire destroying my roommates Honda.

Forsooth, the heaven’s tears would quench the fires, saving the shed and the beloved RD250 and sparing me the most awkward tenant/landlord conversation I’ve ever had. (I’d also like to add that my 7 week old son’s middle name is Odin. I think that’s worth points)

It is. However, inadvertently destroying a Honda while giving your couch a viking funeral cracks me the fuck up, and thus naming your child Odin was technically unnecessary.

TheRam:

I would put on a blue shirt with red overalls and get a friend to dress up in a giant ape costume, stand at the top of a hill, and roll barrels of flaming oil at me while I knock the shit out of them with Mjolnir.

Without a doubt, this is the greatest, most worthless use of Mjolnir suggested in the entire contest.

Brookslea:

Okay, first some quick backstory. When my paternal Grandma was dying of cancer, my Mom and Dad put their lives on hold to take care of her and make her last weeks as comfortable as possible. My dirtbag uncle (Dad’s brother) lived across the country. He came to visit once while she was sick and did nothing to help. In fact, after he left, several small valuable objects suddenly were nowhere to be found. Including 3 antique rings that my grandma had told everyone for years where to go to her 3 granddaughters, me, my sister, and our aunts daugther. With no proof, however my parents didn’t want to upset grandma, and kept quiet.

About a week before she died, Granma gave me a plastic alarm clock shaped like a cow that I whole liked to play with as a kid. It was worth maybe 15 bucks, sentimental value only. And right after she died, Dirtbag Uncle called my parents in the middle of the night screaming about me taking the clock before “the whole family” could fairly divide her assets. He said all kinds of horrible accusations to them, so they had to deal with that on top of their grief. Over a cheap plastic cow clock. Which I had to bring to my Granmas wake and return to keep things from getting uglier. That was the last time I saw or spoke to the jerk.

So using Thor’s hammer would be easy. I would make a portal to find him and kick him in the nuts. Then I would explain to him that I used a God’s power for no other reason than to kick his nuts. Then I would come home. Definitely worth it.

If I could give Mjolnir to one entrant, it would be Brookslea. Since she can’t hit her shitty relative in the junk with a magic hammer, I figure the next best option is to give her the opportunity to email her uncle and say, “You are such an enormous asshole that it won me a free t-shirt.”

Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered, and much, much thanks to Mighty Fine for sponsoring another great contest! Don’t forget, if you didn’t win, Topless Robot readers can still get 15% off their entire Mighty Fine order by buying one or more Thor tees and entering the coupon code MJOLNIR. Thor, Thor Frog, and Beta Ray Bill all approve!