Miscellaneous, Nerdery

Ultimate Nerd Wedding: And the Winners Are…

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?Huh? Only 200 or so entries? I’m not really complaining or anything, as it made my job infinitely easier (and quicker), but I’d gotten pretty used to Topless Robot contests with 500+ comments to sift through. I’ll assume it was the contest theme, and maybe you all just weren’t in the mood for love or something. And if this weekend’s TR contest isn’t back to normal, I’ll… I’ll, uh… cry, or something? I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Anyways, HMs and winners after te jump.


Did you realize that “Honorable Mentions” and “Holy Matrimony” both start with the same letters? Coincidence? I THINK NOT.


Erin Ugas:

So this is actually the wedding i want, since i’m head over heels in love with LOTR. First of all, I want the wedding in Ireland, at an abandoned castle to set the whole old looking theme. I would be dressed in a replica of the green dress Arwen wore at the end of the last movie (except in white), and the groom would be dressed as Aragorn. My little sisters and brother (the sisters are ages 5 and 8 and my brother is 7) would be the ring bearer and two flower girls. All of them would be dressed as hobit, with my brother being dressed as Frodo, and my sisters being dressed as Pippen and Merry. The Best Man would be dressed as Legolas, and my Maid of Honor would be dressed as Galadriel (or Eowyn depending on which friend I choose). The rest of the wedding party would be dressed as various other characters of cast. My dad (who always loved dwarves best out of fictional characters) would be dressed as gimli. The priest (who will be an old friend of mine who already stated he’s doing my wedding) will be dressed as Gandalf. When I’m walking down the aisle, I want the violin potion of Riders of Rohan to be playing. The wedding rings will of course be styled after the Ring from the movie. The wedding cake would be designed as a miniture minas tirith, and the decorations would have the tree of Minas Tirith on them. Also, during the ceremony, when the priest asks if anyone objects to the union, I would have a friend dressed as Gollum try to run and steal the rings, only to have my little brother dressed as Frodo chase him away with a replica of Sting


TheLoneHunter:

Setting: A small movie theatre which can double as a performance stage. The theater is decorated like the bridge of the Satellite of Love. The projector is mounted inside a model Cambot.

Costumes:
Groom: Joel Robinson or Mike Nelson
Best Man: Dr. Forrester
Bride: (may pick standard outfit or MST3K-themed one of her choice)
Maid of Honor: Pearl Forrester
Groomsmen: Zap Rowsdower, Torgo, The Master, Prince of Space, Pumaman, David Ryder, etc.
Bridesmaids: The Master’s Wives, Batwoman (non-DC version), Lea Jansen, Apollonia James, etc.
Flower girl: Debbie (from Manos) or Sandy (from Tormented)
Ring bearer(s): All four Hobgoblins (kids in costume driving a golf cart with the ring on it)
Guests are encouraged to dress as characters from MST3K’d movies, Bobo, Observer, TV’s Frank, Gypsy, etc.

During the wedding, an actor dressed as Mike or Joel (opposite of groom’s choice) and two puppeteers holding Tom Servo and Crow all sit in the very front row and riff on the wedding as it’s going on. Afterwards, during the reception, film clips of the bride and groom are shown on the projector while Joel/Mike and the bots keep up the commentary.

Music: The “Haunting Torgo Theme” will be played instead of a bridal march.


Jeff Robertson:

It would need to be formal/normal because my girlfriend’s parent’s are very catholic… But at the end, people dressed as the Joker and various batman villains would break in to the back, causing everyone to look. Then my bride and I would slip into the back to strip off the suit and dress to reveal our Batman and Catwoman costumes! We would then proceed to beat up the bad guys while they were trying to rob everyone, thus fake saving the day. And when someone asks “Where is the bride and groom” I would say “They must have gotten scared and run off.” Then Catwoman would say “There goes their purrrrfect wedding” Then in the last panel we wink at the reader.


Chesrun:

Ha, I’ve already got this planned.
First, there wedding invites would have a picture of Batman, and Robin, wearing a veil and saying, “Holy Matrimony, Batman!” The invites would state that ALL attendees MUST dress as superheroes.

Wedding day: After my best man makes sure that everyone is dressed like it’s Comicon (only less slutty), I come out wearing a normal Tux. I’m happy, but I look at everyone weirdly. The wedding march song plays and my wife to be enters the room takes one look at everyone dressed as superheroes, and storms out of the room crying her eyes out. I then yell to everyone, “You guys ruined her perfect day!” I run after her while my best man tries to restore order.

Meanwhile, me and the bride take off our tux and gown to reveal our Superman and Wonder Woman oufits (Classic Superman, and a less revealing Wonder Woman… like from Kingdom Come). John Williams’ Superman Theme will play from the organ and we’ll run down the aisle mightily.

The dinner will be chicken.


Charles T. Arthur:

Me: Barrett.
Bride: Martha Jones.
Priest: B.A. Baracus.
Bridesmaids: Foxy Brown, Storm, Fran.
Groomsmen: Shaft, Luke Cage, Sazh.
Chapel: Painstaking recreation of Balrog’s casino stage from Street Fighter 2.
Oh yeah. I wanna go full Black Nerdy Character, baby. Oh, and the first dance can be It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp! Yeah!

… I’m never getting married, am I?


Brando Lars:

A Tron themed wedding
with a giant spinning replica of the M.C.P preforming the ceremony
All the Brides guest need to wear the red outfits
All the Grooms guest need to wear the Blue ones
After the ceremony everyone plays Ultimate Frisbee until the reception hall is ready.


Boredlizzie:

The Romantically Post Apocalyptic Wedding I Will Never Have:

I want to be married by Zee Captain of “Romantically Apocalyptic.” Why? Because it would be every bit as awesome as getting married by Bruce Campbell himself.
Wedding would have to take place in an abandoned factory in the middle of a ruinous wasteland of some kind. With skeletons placed here and there. Destination wedding, everybody!
The wedding singer would, of course, belt out “Que Sera Sera” in Zee Captain’s ridiculous, squeaky pseudo-German accent.
Best man is dressed as Mr. Snippy, before he looses his rifle. It is very important for the best man to have a gun, you know. To fight off the tentacle alien beasts.
Zee Captain would say, “I now pronounce you delicious!” And then we would get Caked! And everyone would drink lemonade with straws.
Wedding favors are, of course, black coffee mugs with red hearts on them. Or cancer-summoning kitty purses!
The back of our broken, motor-less limo would say “Off to Exciting Land of New Adventure!”


Shar:

It would be a normal, lovely service in a church with a reception nearby. The mother of the bride would make it a point to tell the guests what a beautiful wedding cake will be served at the reception. Everyone will be simply salivating in anticipation for the ceremonial pastry. Dinner will be served and eaten. There will be toasts and dancing. By the end of the night, the guests will be wondering where the wedding cake is. Why hasn’t it been brought out? When will the bride and groom cut it and feed each other the delectible dessert? Just when they know they can’t wait any longer, a girl in an orange jumpsuit will burst through a concealed door in the wall that mysteriously is glowing blue and orange. She will announce to the entire congregation:
“GET OUT NOW!! THE CAKE IS A LIE!!!!!!”


Sarah:

My name is Sarah Jane, and yes, I’m named after Sarah Jane Smith. I think a Doctor Who wedding would be quite apt, don’t you? I am quite fond of pretty dresses, so I’ll keep that normal. I imagine Sarah Jane would get married in a normal dress! My boyfriend could dress up as Four. The bridesmaids and the groomsmen could match up as other Doctors and companions (Think: Ten & Rose, One & Susan, Five & Tegan, Eleven & Amy, Seven & Ace…which works perfectly with my tentative future wedding party – one of the known groomsman already has a Ten cosplay!) Ushers could be dressed as UNIT, complete with red beret. Of course, whoever marries us would be dressed as Rassilon!

The TARDIS has to be involved somehow – I’m thinking a prop in the corner. I’ve been to weddings with photo booths – we could have all our guests take pictures by/in the TARDIS! For an iconic cake, I think a Dalek. Who doesn’t want to eat your mortal enemy?! We can also give everyone Jelly Babies as a wedding favor. When the best man gives the speech, we’ll fake a microphone malfunction and have to use the sonic screwdriver to “fix” it.

And the location for the ceremony?
A quarry in Wales.

The “quarry in Wales” bit just about killed me, for the record.


Kitty:

For my dream wedding I have to thank Jim Henson and his genius hiring of David Bowie’s crotch in Labyrinth.
Naturally I would be wearing a Sarah-in-fever-dream inspired dress (inspired as I wouldn’t suit a very puffy dress) and my husband to be would be dressed as Jareth (all this depends on the finding of a man who will look good in crotch revealing leggings) and have an owl as his best man.
Any babies in attendance would be made to wear red and white striped baby-grows and all adult guests would be dressed for the masquerade party that would follow the wedding.


FrauleinNinja:

Instead of vows or a ceremony, we just do the fusion dance.
(These are my real life plans, any man who doesn’t want to do this is no husband of mine)

If I weren’t already married, FrauleinNinja…

Wmcgee:

After all the guests have arrived at the church and taken their seats, concealed speakers start to play Billie Holliday’s “You’re My Thrill” and a fog machine at the rear of the church begins to cover the floor with gentle white clouds.

The groom appears on the altar, dressed as the second Nite Owl (Dan Dreiberg), followed by his best man, dressed as Rorschach.

At the back of the church, the Owl Ship pulls up to the doors and opens it hatch. The bride, dressed as the second Silk Spectre (Laurie Juspeczyk) steps out of the Owl Ship and is escorted down the aisle by her father, dressed as the Comedian.

The minister is naked and blue, the wedding cake looks like a giant space squid (with a Hiroshima Lovers cake topper), and at the reception, the DJ, dressed as Ozymandias (standing in front of a wall of TV’s), plays for the first song Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable.”


Dmnyo:

I will have a Mad Max Themed Wedding. I will have the Thunderdome recreated, whit my guests hanging by the sides and cheering us on. Our pastor will be wearing a aunty entity costume in whiile conducting the marriage rights. he/she will scream “2 enter! 1 leaves!” and me and my fiance will have the dirtiest, filthiest fight. And when the heat and passion has taken over our bodies, the people will have to bring us out whilst still entwined in each others bodies. Thus the promise of “2 enter! 1 leaves!” is fullfilled.

I like that the who act of marriage is about joining two into one, and thus automatically fulfills the “Two enter! One leaves!” scenario by itself, but that dmnyo wants to fight-fuck his bride in front of all his friends and family anyways.


LJSLarsson:

A Super Mario wedding. But when the guests arrive to what they think is the ceremony, a child dressed as Toad will tell them “sorry, but our wedding is in another church”.


Jason Reagan:

Stargate The Wedding:
Have an Asgard puppet of Thor officiate the ceremony. The wedding party enters from a hallway, before they come out you hear a large kwoosh sound and there is a rear projection of the stargate event horizon projected on a life size Stargate. Proceeding the bridal party down the isle will be a M.A.L.P. The Groomsman and groom are dressed as SG1 members in full fatigues and guns. The bride and her party are dressed as ancients. The users are dressed as Horus Guard jaffa. and light the candles with full size Ma’Tok staffs. The bridal party walks down the isle to the Stargate theme and as wedding favors, mini ZPM’s are given out. At the reception there are cosplayers in char as Nox, Tollen, and Tok’ra ambassadors. Also as special guest stars, Mckay, Carter and Woosley are all in attendance as friends of the bride and groom. Before the cake cutting Mckay and Carter will have an argument about how the cake should be cut. At this time is when a wipe board will be pulled out with multiple physics and other mathematical equations will be written so they can determine the best way to cut the cake.


Zorrt1:

A Very Meta Wedding:
The whole ceremony live blogged here on Topless Robot. No actual place, just this website, and the bride and groom are not even in the same room (or country even) but they met here at Topless Robot. Everyone who posts on this blog is invited. Rob leads the proceedings. After the wedding, someone shouts “Whose Responsible This?” and we all laugh and say that we are.
The reception is at Scooter’s Blog. No cake will be served, unless you brought some to your computer (which is mandatory).
Its later turned into a story by the esteemed Dr. Abraxas and it appears as the next available FFF.
We forget about it a week later.


Lonestarr:

Well, since my own personal geeky fantasy wedding is relatively mundane compared to a lot of stuff here, how about this?
A same-sex marriage themed around the works of Orson Scott Card.

If I weren’t already married, Lonestarr…

Now for the winners!


DevinT:

Neon Genesis Evangelion Wedding.

Groom is Shinji. As the music (“Decisive Battle” – which plays whenever an Angel attack) begins, he must cower at the end of the aisle, repeating “I mustn’t run away.” A traumatizing picture from his childhood will be projected on a screen at the front. After a minute of it, the priest (dressed as Gendo) and the maid of honor (dressed as Misato) will decide to bring in the replacement groom (this could be a man in drag as Rei, or, in certain states of the union, a woman). Finally, the groom will decide to go through with it and walk down the aisle. Bride dressed as Asuka enters to “Asuka strikes.” They will exchange vows which will include “Do you want to be at ease? Do you want to feel peace of mind? Do you want to become one with me? To have our bodies and souls join as one? It’s very comfortable.” and mentions of lowering their AT fields for the other.

And the best part, when they kiss, little packets of orange juice will squire out everywhere (using similar technology to blood packets) – just like LCL in The End of Evangelion.

The first waltz will be to Fly Me to the Moon and there will be 17 tiny cakes shaped like each of the Angels (yes, even Iruel), which the guests must systematically defeat.

Sorry, this was just too magnificent not to win. Forcing the guests to defeat 17 cakes put it over the top. Now the next winner… or should I say winners, because… well, just read:


Stexonlegs:

Just a brief bit of background on this one. Me and my girlfriend have been together for a few years. She teaches English so is often in other countries for long periods of time teaching (obviously). One of the things that has kept us together is a mutual love of FFF, discussing and dissecting over email. We’ve also talked about having an FFF themed wedding.

The entire wedding party will be dressed as characters from FFF, Optimus Prime will be there, Michael Knight, April O’Neil, the giant squid and Hogwarts all celebrating the day (Not Grover or Elmo though, I still get creeped out thinking about that). I of course will be dressed as Batman. The music will rise and my girlfriend will walk up the aisle dressed as Robocop (with Bat Grenade attachment). We will then create the holy union that ComixNix has dreamed of!

Seriously. I’m bang up for this. I just doubt any of our friends or family will be…


MissOh:

This is stexonlegs’s girlfriend and I’d first like to point out that this was actually MY idea and, since he decided to post this before consulting me, I felt compelled to add a few extra touches:

The ceremony will of course be held inside a replica of Optimus Prime’s beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of our human friends. The walls will be made of carbon nanotubes covered with soft pinky pillows of pure petunia’s cotton, even if we have absolutely NO idea what that is, and as a special surprise for the guests as they enter, neon gas tubes will apear on the walls, and a range of different colors will illuminate Optimus’s ass with all colors of the spectrum. Oh, and of course the fragrance of daisies will be hanging in the air.

The giant squid and Hogwarts costumes will be assigned to the best man and the maid of honour respectively and the minister will perform the ceremony in an atrocious German accent, adding random v’s to the start of words in homage to Inga the insane She-Wolf.

Oh, and seeing as it was MY IDEA, I feel I should really be Batman but I can’t see him ever giving in on that one. *sighs* But at least I will get to walk down the beautifully adorned rectum that every little girl dreams of. It will truly be a magical day.

A few things:
 
1) In ComicsNix’s masterpiece “The Day the Men Found Love,” Robocop is the one with the penis (or the penis that gets used, at least [although technically it’s a smoke grenade he has attached to his crotch]), so I think Stexonlegs should really reconsider who should be dressed as Batman.
2) Obviously, of the two entries, MissOh is the clear winner, since it was her idea first and because she had the line “at least I will get to walk down the beautifully adorned rectum that every little girl dreams of.”
3) However, if Topless Robot and FFF is helping bring a couple to together, I’d feel like a dick giving a shirt to one of them and possibly causing pre-marital strife. Also, I’m a huge softie, and long distance relationships are hard and shitty, so I kind of want to give them shirts in congratulations for sticking together… even if they have to use FFF to do it, the poor bastards.

That’s it. Congrats to the winners and HMs, and thanks to everyone who entered. There’s another special contest next, so plan your weekend accordingly.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.