?Since I’m already pretty late and I bitch about how hard it was to pick the winners every week, let’s get right to it. It was a pretty amazing contest, if I do say so myself. Much, much thanks to Kate Moore and her Blimpcat online store for offering these four amazing Portal 2-inspired posters as prizes; if you didn’t win, these 11×17-inch, high quality posters are only $15 each right here — they’re well worth it. Now on with the show.
1. Place the elements of your choice in the handy Universe Rebooter capsule
2. Seal the capsule and push the button
3. Step clear of the capsule quickly while the matter rearranger reboots the universe
4. The resulting explosion will evenly distribute the universe of your choice over your old universe.
1. Place the elements of your choice in the handy Universe Rebooter capsule
The FFF bourbon IV. This machine senses when you’ve read the most horrible, childhood memory crushing fanfiction and transfuses the appropriate amount of alcohol into your system to induce blackout.
Also available in vodka, whiskey, and gin varieties.
Batman gun. It shoots Batmans.
Batman’s Parents gun. It shoots Batman’s paren- Oh.
I really need noise-cancelng knleenex. I have allergies and work in a cubicle. Tissues that muffled the sound of blowing my nose would be the most amazing thing ever. Then I could blow my nose to my heart’s content and not have to make regular trips to the bathroom to avoid annoying people.
For all you fat, TV watching zombies, theres finally something to serve your listless lounging and face gorging needs. Its the Couch Potato! Its a large sectional couch made out of your favorite deep fried, over salted spud snacks. French fries! Potato chips! Tater tots! Hash browns! Potato pancakes! Waffle crisps! Even whole baked Idaho potatoes with sour cream, bacon bits and chives! The Couch Potato comes with built in trays to hold ketchup, mayonnaise, butter and all your favorite dipping sauces. And, in case of a power outage, just hook your TV up to the Couch Potato for hours of free electricity and continued inactivity. Get the Couch Potato today! Sold at Dierberg’s Markets and Value City Furniture.
Hello This is Cave Johnson.
Do you have problems with your man parts? then get the hell out of here, I’m only talking to the real men right now. go in the kitchen and bake me a pie or something.
Ok now that that’s over. Men, do you like meat? of course you do, big slabs of meat covered in sauce and seasonings and grilled to perfection.
Have you ever dreamed of eating meat of animals that no longer exist? of course you have, if you haven’t, you were supposed to be making me a pie right now.
Aperture science has done something amazing. We’ve created a time machine. yes you heard me right, a god damned time machine. And the damn thing works. just one problem, every time a living thing goes through it, it gets fried to a crisp. Lost a few interns that were not, after all, sneaking out of the lab for a quickie before we figured that out.
Anyways, we at Aperture try to turn every failure into a success. And in this case we realized we could use this thing to pull animals from any where in the time-space wahoozit and it’d come precooked, still working on getting it marinated and basted. But that’s just a detail. You want to eat a dodo? I got your dodo right here. You want a stegosaurus? better find a big spot for us to drop it in. Most dinosaurs taste just like kangaroo for some reason.
This is Cave Johnson,
We’re done here.
The one pill to make your ceaseless nerd rage.. potent.
Sick of George Lucas shitting on his own legacy and your childhood? Pop a Vi-rage-ra, my man, and go tear down his house – tear it down with your bare fucking hands, like a real man.
Tired of Bayformers? Vi-rage-ra is the cure to what ails you. The shadow cast by your virile rage-on will make Micheal Bay, and all of his ilk, shrink with fear and scurry away.
Not happy with the DC continuity reboot?
You know what to do.
The Animal Love-Glove! Tired of having your erotic fan-fiction limited by a 4th Grade understanding of Zoological Biology and Animal Husbandry? Thanks to the Animal Love Glove, those days are a thing of the past! Using cutting edge nanotechnology and tactile plastics, the Love Glove can be programmed to accurately stimulate the sexual orifices of any creature of the animal kingdom, be it Mammal, Amphibian, Raptile, Avian or Insect! It simulates the Vagina of any species on Earth except the Human Female!
Ever wanted to know the sensation of thrusting your meat into a giant cockroaches chitinous sex glands? Now you can know intimately! Know in a Biblical sense even! The realism of our simulacrum all-in-one Vagina is absolute! So order today, and you too can know the caress of a Kangaroo’s uterus! Just like me! And coming in this fall, an Animal Love Pole for the Ladies! Laugh at the four centimeter Cock of the White Gorilla! Marvel at the Corkscrew Penis of the humble Swan! Comig soon to a family Supermarket near you!
(Animal Love Glove product and associated items are all trademark and copyright of Abraxas Industries. This informercial was paid for by the Hot Chick Heaven Foundation.)
Tired of Youtube commenters slinging around racial slurs and political commentary on videos about cats? Troll-Away might be just the thing for you. The easy-to-install software package works like a charm to remove pointless clutter from the Internet. Just a few clicks and the program tracks the IP address of the offender then uploads their location to NORAD and lets the missile launch program handle the rest. Never again will you have to endure the annoyance of hearing how “u r sooo gay 8==>” or that President Obama’s birth certificate is obviously fake*. Scientists predict this product will have minimal impact on meme production. Order now and receive the Call of Duty Lobby STFU Expansion Pack.
*Not for use on Donald Trumps
Big Jim Slade:
The Fox Project Consultant:
This consists of a cybernetic leg and a single steel-toed boot.
The Fox Project Consultant is mounted underneath each conference table at Fox.
Whenever good Fox shows are being discussed and someone suggests cancelling them prematurely,The Fox Project Consultant repeatedly kicks them in the balls.
Andrew B Biro:
Well Joel, it’s no secret that most of today’s new pop music hits are derived from decades old bumper stickers. From Rhianna’s “S&M”, to Britney Spears’ “Hold It Against Me”, and even Edward and the Magnetic Zeros’ “My Child Is On the Honor Roll at Glen Oaks Elementary”, our best hooks and choruses are tirelessly being scavanged from the hatchback trunk or your older cousin’s ’94 Geo Metro.
With that in mind, I present to you…The Shut Up & Phish! *reveals paper shredder attached to old IBM moniter attached to gramophone*
This device allows you to place any bumper sticker into the Popdrive, as it were, and in moments you’ll receive the freshest peice of rocking, hip-hop, uh…electronica one could expect from, oh, I don’t know, let’s say…”88.9 KVSC, honk if you love the morning zoo crew”
Oh, by the way, your movie this week is Mutant Hunt…..choke on it. Push the button, Frank
Invisibility tarp: would be used for all those gruesome or stupid accidents on the freeway that make you 2 hours late for work because everyone has to slow down or stop to get a good look and post a picture to facebook.
The birdhouse of horrors. As soon as they walk in, several small gates fall behind them and they are locked in a small room wherein they will only find a screen on the wall. On that screen will be the projection of a cat constantly in the pouncing position. But just to be sure that they don’t eventually catch on, we’ve installed a few gyrating taxidermy paws to keep the bird thinking it’s in constant danger. The best part is, the bird is only subjected to this for three days before it’s either released or its corpse is scooped off the house floor, then hung from the ceiling in our final nightmarishly futuristic feature.
After a hard day of working, do you get tired of acting like the serving wench to that four legged furlicking, sh** producing monster that sometimes fakes you into thinking he’s *your* pet?
“Dr. Moreau’s Steam Powered Mech Thumbs for Cats” is your answer! Slap these puppies (pardon the pun) on Whiskers and let the little leech fend for himself in the kitchen. He’ll be opening cans of tuna before you can say “Leave the beer alone”!
(Warning and Disclaimers – Do not leave your car keys, liquor, credit cards or internet passwords anywhere that a cat wearing “Dr. Moreau’s Steam Powered Mech Thumbs for Cats” is likely to find them It is strongly suggested that cats be prevented from acquiring C-4 plastic explosives at any time while a set of “Dr. Moreau’s Steam Powered Mech Thumbs for Cats” is in the household. House Of Pain, Inc. disavows any legal responsibility should Fluffy actually manage to go on a catnip fueled binge while wearing “Dr. Moreau’s Steam Powered Mech Thumbs for Cats”. Batteries not included.)
Friends, we have all heard of the Combustible Lemon almost developed by the insane Cave Johnson. Quite frankly, it won’t be long until this new fad becomes staler than the lie involving cake, or those sad little boxes dubbed as friends.
Therefore, we, the team at Black Mesa, have invested extensive research into the field of mechanical devices. This, combined with the perfect spherical fruit, yields our newest product that shall rival even the semi-competent products of Apeture Science and their nonexistant Combustible Lemons.
Ladies and gents, we give you:
The Clockwork Orange.
Unlike the poorly concieved exploding lemons, the Clockwork Orange has more than one feature, and is perfectly re-usable. The main feature automatically translates your speech into obnoxiously skewed Russian trying to pass off as slang, pissing the hell out of everyone and ensuring that this product will NEVER become mainsteam and meme-tainted.
It plays a grand total of TWO songs! Beethoven’s 9th Symphony and “Singin’ in the Rain” for all you cheerful rapists out in the audience, so you don’t have to hum it yourself while doin’ the deed.
When life gives you oranges, strip it of its free will and get rid of all the nasty evilness associated with Apeture Science. You won’t regret it!
Forget Cave Johnson, I’m going old school.
Billy Mays here for Bear Grylls Piss in a Can! Have you ever thought: “Gee I sure am lost in this desert right now, better drink some piss!” Well with Bear Grylls Piss in a Can, now you can! Simply pop the top, and you’ll be enjoying 100% genuine Bear Grylls piss in no time! For three easy payments of $19.99 you can have 3 cases of premium urine delivered right to your doorstep! But wait! Call now and we’ll throw in a fourth case absolutely free! Thats right a fourth case free of charge! You’ll never go thirsty in the desert again! Here’s how to order!
Behold! The R-34 IDVR (Interdimensional Digital Video Recorder)
Multiverse theory suggests that everything that can happen, does happen. Any decision each of us could possibly make has already been made, each in its own alternate dimension.
This means that Rule 34 applies in the real world just as it does on the internet: Every human being that lives, has ever lived, or will ever live, going back to the origins of film, at least, has been in amateur or professional porn!
Just input the name of the individual you’re interested in, and the R-34 determines the dimension where they decided to record themselves doing the nasty, and burns the information conveniently onto a blank DVD right in your home dimension!
Imagine watching hardcore porn with the greatest of Hollywood legends! Rita Hayworth! Elizabeth Taylor! John Wayne! Or current superstars like Angelina Jolie, Halle Berry, or Johnny Depp! The possibilities are literally infinite!
But don’t stop at famous people: Your baby-sitter when you were 10? Your jr. high art teacher? That girl from the convenient store? ANYBODY!
And fap material is just one use for this miraculous machine: Just imagine the blackmail possibilities!!!
The Blog Contest Entry Extraction Drive
Always wanted that shirt with missles shooting from where the boobs should be? Wondered how you could ever out wit that Thundercats obsessed Fan Fic writer?
Well kids, have we got the product for you!
Simply enter in the parameters of the contest into the solar powered BCEED’s 1/2″ by 1″ kepypad and in just 72 hours you’ll get a blog comment generated on the single line non-backlit LCD screen guaranteed* to win over any disgruntled blogger deep in a whiskey hangover.
KPI cannot verify contest results judged by outside agents, sober bloggers, or sane people. Loss of power to device during generation mode may result in loss of data.
Cave Johnson, here. Fact: 98% of the Earth’s population wants to go to heaven. Fact: only 14% of the Earth’s population are eligible to go to heaven come rapture time.
Don’t throw away those girly mags away just yet, boys! Introducing; the Rapture Strap! Simply put it on like an ordinary belt, and the strap will automatically guide you to the nearest religious do-gooder. Then, it will strap you on that person. So, when God decides to take the man into heaven, he’ll have no choice but to take you too! The strap is made of our patented indestructible diamond fabric, which, according to our research, cannot be broken eve by the big man himself!
Sorry, Satan, better luck next time. Cave Johnson, we’re done here!
I would like to invent a set of robotic arms that I can program to transform the new transformers toys quickly and correctly, every time, thus allowing children (and, to be frank, me) to actually PLAY with these things properly, as most modern transformers (and here I mean almost any from the past 5-6 years, animated being the exception) are really more difficult to transform than they need be.
so, to wrap up, I will create a real robot to allow people to better enjoy toy robots
– So, everyone knows that your average baby has a screwdriver on them at all times. (How else do you think they get out of their cribs and wander your homes in the dead of night? What, you thought those noises were the sounds of the house settling?) But what happened when your home is invaded and threatened by the lupine herds that prowl your neighborhood? You and your family would be dead… if you don’t give your infant Baby’s First Wolf-Fightin’ Screwdriver! The only screwdriver with a bayonet attachment! (Also available plated in silver, should your neighborhood have a werewolf problem.)
– The Penguin Defenestration Detector, a device that uses GPS, echo-location and biorhythms to predict, with 100% accuracy, when someone anywhere in the world is preparing to throw a penguin out of a window. It’s our duty to protect the penguins. After all, penguins can’t fly. ……. PENGUINS CAN’T FLY!!!
Aperture Science’s The Doctorate Converter. Have you got a doctorate in mathematics specialising in differential equations? The old friend failing you when you are trapped in a road accident and there is a leg needing amputation? A quick zap with the ol’ Doctorate Converter and we’ll have you as a functioning medical doctor for 32 minutes.
We have noticed a few minor side effects of feelings of worthlessness and lack of life-quality when it wears off, but no matter! Do well a few times and you could get a job as a dietician!
Spepper. Half-salt, half-pepper, you only need one shaker.
White Gummi Bear Extractor. We all know that the white/clear Gummi bears are the best and thus the least packed in each bag. The extractor will ensure it stays that way. Usable either by the manufacturer or the at homeuser to extract the white gummi bears.
And now for the winners! Remember, there’s four:
Everyone claims that movies these days are by the numbers and likely made from a machine rather than people. We all know this isn’t true, until they see my invention: “The BayMaker.” You simply place a film or script into the Baymaker, and in a minute, it transforms the product into something that could be made by Michael Bay. AWESOME!
Titanic becomes a movie about the US military blasting an Ice Monster to save the lives of everyone on board while Rose wigs out on drugs and then pole dances to the 3rd class passenger’s delight.
Moon becomes the story of a man, his holographic girlfriend and his clone army fighting exploding robots voiced by Kevin Spacey (who sound like they’re growling)
And finally, Raiders of the Last Ark becomes Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!
There was a lot of Michael Bay-destroying inventions in this week’s contest — as is right and natural — but ThiefofHearts took it to the next level by giving it a very MST3K-esque spin and plenty of examples of what the Baymaker did. The Last Ark/Crystal Skull line was particularly apt.
1) Take 1 copy of Duke Nukem Forever, attach said copy of Duke Nukem Forever to starship.
Congrats you have just invented the infinite improbability drive.
2) (Said in the voice of a 50s saturday morning commercial)
“What’s the matter there Timmy?
You want to make the next viral video sensation but your cat isn’t interesting?
Well worry no more thanks to KITTYPOW! ™
Yes KITTYPOW! ™ is guaranteed to give your cat a boost of energy and creativity needed to make it do adorable things for the entertainment of millions.
How does it work you ask? Oh you adorable little scamp, KITTYPOW! ™ Is actually a proprietary blend of Catnip and Lysergic Acid designed specifically to stimulate your kitten’s adorable gland making it the ideal candidate for internet fame!
Yes just one dose of KITTYPOW! ™ and you’ll be rich and famous, or at least your cat will.
Please note that the makers of KITTYPOW! ™ do not accept responsibility for use or misuse of KITTYPOW! ™ and these claims have not been approved by the FDA, ATF, FBI, CIA or CDC.”
Doc was already in contention with his terrifyingly simple but brilliant for the Infinite Improbability drive, but a substance designed specifically to make ridiculous cat videos for the internet… well, that’s just genius. Honestly, as ridiculous as it is, I’m kind of shocked someone has made something similar for real.
Cave Johnson here.
Lets face it, we’ve all been there, alone on a Friday night, pudgey, hairy…you know what, fuck you Francis, I am not reading this. Cave Johnson here, and you are fat, pudgey, hairy, and lonely. I have no idea what the hell that is like, but alot of my scientists do. Long story short those twisted little bastards cut a whole in a…what are we calling those? Weighted what? Why the hell? Forget it. They cut a hole in a box, filled with repulsion gel and potatoes, and are calling the damn thing The Weighted WAY MORE THAN A COMPANION Cube. I need money, and you’re a desperate loser who can’t get laid. So buy one. This has been Cave Johnson
And Cthulu Jones gets the nod for most Cave Johnson-like Cave Johnson dialog. Seriously, it’s impossible for me to read this and not hear it in J.K. Simmons voice, which is an achievement unto itself.
1. J. Jonah Jameson here. Are you tired of Arachnid based vigilantes menacing society, stealing the limelight from real American patriots and assaulting hard working newspaper publishers? I sure am.
Well here at the Daily Bugle, we’re doing something about it! With our partners, Aperture Science, Smythe Industries and the Disney Corporation, we’re creating advanced weapons and robots to hunt down these web-slinging villains.
I present to you, the Single Pest Identification, Detention, Elimination, Recovery,
Mobility, Automated Nanobot.
What? Yes that is what it’s called. What do you mean it isn’t ready? Well bring me the prototype then! I don’t care. Just bring me S.P.I.D.E.R.M.A.N!!!
2. Cave Johnson here. I don’t know who that other joker was. Very handsome fellow though, nice voice. Anyway, here at Aperture Science we like to fill the holes in science that other companies just won’t touch! You heard me!
But every so often we find that inventions just will not work the way they’re meant to and may pose a teeny tiny chance of eradicating the entire universe. So for situations like that we created this! The Aperture Science Science Aperture. It’s a hole you can just throw any unwanted devices, chemicals or test subjects that have mutated into some form of insect/human hybrid into. Whatever it is gets sucked into the hole, gradually crushed until it disappears from our universe entirely. Where does it go, I hear you ask? Who Cares! And the best news is that you can have it in any colour you want, as long as it’s black
Okay, obviously the idea of JJJ discussing his own invention is clever, and I’m a sucker for a good acronym. But honestly, the Aperture Science Science Aperture is the best-named invention of the entire damn contest, and I have to give a poster just for that.
And that’s it. Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered and of course, infinite thanks to Kate Moore and Blimpcat for sponsoring this week’s contest! Make sure you check out her wares!