Fan Fiction Friday: Invader Zim and Dib in “Green Saddle”

?I seem to recall someone requested I never run an Invader Zim FFF. Or… wait it a request to run an Invader Zim FFF? I forget. Well, I better run one, just in case! I do so hate disappointing my readers!

I can’t believe what I’m seeing, but there is no
denying what is staring straight back at me, reflected in one of the
skool windows.

I’d chalk this nightmare-inducing image up to
my over-active imagination, but when my next move brings about the
clip-clop of hooves beneath me I nearly collapse into a quadruped heap
right there.

One moment Zim and I had been locked in
another one of our high-powered tug of wars over the planet’s fate, and
the next I’m trying to shake myself out of this sudden warped reality.

This
had to be Zim’s fault; his utter incompetence was only rivaled by his
knack for pure destruction.  And anything Zim touches inevitably breaks,
so why am I so surprised to find myself a victim of his raging
stupidity.

…surprised doesn’t even cut it.  I’m HORRIFIED.

I’ve actually read a lot of Zim fan fics over the years, and never quite got around to picking one. But when Topless Roboteer Alyssa sent me this story by ZADR (no relation to Topless Roboteer ZADL [I hope]), I said, “Dib’s a horse in this one? Well, giddy the fuck up.”

My apologies if the comments are less frequent and funny than usual; at the time of writing I have to get up in four hours to catch my cab to get to the airport, and having to suffer through this fic is just adding insult to injury.

I take another longer look when the initial shock subsides, peering into a familiar set of confused amber eyes.

I
watch my reflection as I cautiously lift what I believed to my hand, a
hoof hovering toward my glasses that somehow remained intact in spite
of… whatever occurred.

My clothes however are another matter entirely…

I
turn at an angle to see a small but lean body sealed in a cobalt coat
and a fluffy black tail to match the sad cross between a mane and my
actual hair (yes, the spike that has become my trademark still stands
tall and proud).

I am disturbingly upset at the fact that horse-Dib is blue. I don’t know why I find that so unacceptable, even in an erotic fan fic of a story about an alien who lives on earth and goes to school, but there you go.

I catch sight of the face-a-day logo from my shirt, only it’s stamped firmly on the side of my ass.

I also don’t know how, if Dib transformed from human into a horse, his shirt would end up on his ass.

Speaking
of my ass, it’s on display for all the world to see, and even though my
tail is covering my shame it’s not covering the shame I feel at being
transformed into the newest My Little Pony.

My guess as to Dib’s My Little Pony name? “Hot Topic Sparkle.”

I crumple to
the ground, forelimbs thrown over my head, preparing myself from the
biggest tantrum–or breakdown, definitely a breakdown–of my young life.

“Please…
Just please… Tell me Zim didn’t turn me into a pony. I beg of you,
tell me I’m not a pony… This can’t be happening, it can’t be true…”

So overwhelmed by my agony, I don’t notice my enemy’s approach–not until it’s too late, my world goes black…

—

… and I wake up on the floor of Zim’s living room.

When
dealing with anything supernatural, you become used to not knowing up
from down, but I always try to sift out the logic in my paranormal
pursuits.

But with Zim nothing made sense.  Everything he does leaves me with questions.

That’s pretty much how I feel about this fan fic, actually.

For instance, how the hell did he get me here–especially without anyone spotting the horsey spectacle?

A horse carriage, I guess? /rimshot

Who
knows, he might be in a giving mood today, if his gloating grin was
anything to go by.  I know how Zim loves to talk when he’s basking in
the glory of a win.

“You look much better as a horse, Dib-stink.”  And he clicks his freaky tongue at me condescendingly.  My blood instantly boils.

The issue is more that you’ve been turned into a horse, Dib, not whether you’ve been turned into a pretty horse or an ugly one. Stay focused, son.

“You’ve been watching WAY too much TV with GIR if you think THIS is what a horse looks like!”

Snorting,
I climb onto all fours and proceed to charge him only to stumble on
shaky colt-like legs and spill over, snout smashed into that hideous
tile.

Look, Dib, I know you’re upset and everything, but that’s no reason to insult a man’s kitchen flooring.

Zim, obviously ignoring my jab, simply laughs maniacally at my blunder.

“Humans
are just like horses: they are animals. ”  I feel a gloved hand run
over my flank as he circles me, a predator closing in with easy
confidence.  “…free to roam, do as they please, gorge on instinct…”

“…stand around aimlessly in fields, eat oats out of a bucket, shit on the street…”

WHACK comes that hand square across the cute little face stamp.  “Untamed beasts!  But not for long.”

He’s
right about instinct, at least.  The second Zim’s claws strike out at
me, I rear.  In the absence of hands to punch his bug eyes out, I kick
out my forelegs in the hopes of clobbering him.

“Change
me back, ZIM!”  Using what little resources I’m aware I’ve got, I loudly
stamp my feet, bear my teeth and flare my nostrils.  “I’ll tell
everyone what you’ve done!  You won’t be able to hide it when I–“

He’s
ignoring me again.  I doubt he even hears me past that distant guise of
concentration.  We lock ourselves in a tentative state of
confrontation, wills stacked against one another, daring one another to
make the next move.

Hey, author — you’re writing about a fucking cartoon alien and a horse. Don’t press it.

I’ve had enough of this idiot.  I’ll trample him if I have to to end this ordeal.

Of
course I should have known better than to forget his PAK legs pitching
him up over my head, giving him just enough room above me to drop him
down (facing the wrong way) on my back.  The sudden weight nearly
buckles me, and I screech in protest and buck just as fiercely.  The
fact that he’s sitting the wrong way facing my backside doesn’t seem to
bother him in the least.

“See?  Untamed as always, no matter
what shape you take!”  With the unexpected grace of a pro rider, Zim
spins himself around on my back and anchors himself front-forward–claws
latching onto my mane, using my spike as a rein.

This is the point where, if I had any photoshop skills, I’d paste Zim’s head on top of a cowboy.

“Naughty Dib-beast.  Be a good pony.”

He’s achieved a new level of violation that sends me into a furious rampage.

You see where this is going, don’t you?

“I
AM NOT A PONY!”  I’m up in the air once more, frantically flinging my
weight around to eject the seated alien.  In this position, I am
virtually helpless to get at him.

Zim squeezes his legs
into my sides and roughly yanks my head back to murmur into one of my
flattened ears, “The harder you make this, the more I will enjoy it.”

I
shudder in what has to be revulsion when he lets a hand rove over my
curiously colored coat, three dexterous fingers gliding over toned
muscles.  I detect danger in his voice when I hear his command.

“Computer.  Restrain the Dib-pony.”

Zim
launches off me just as cables attack.  And when I am finally under
wraps, wriggling in the grip of unbreakable cords attached to each leg,
Zim reappears.

Wispy antennae buzz with the intrigue that lights up his eyes, and I can only imagine what’s going through this lunatic’s mind.

Here’s a guess: “I am going to fuck this horse.”

“…I
have come up with a muuuch better method to tame you.”  He reaches out
and pets my muzzle in a mockery of placation; I reward his false
gentility by biting him.  With a howl of outrage, the Irken wrenches his
wounded hand away and slaps me across the snout with the other.  “You
filthy little monster…”  His expression pinched in barely contained
anger that kept him from pummeling me into paste.  Putting his temper in
check, Zim stands and proceeds to creep me out of my skin by disrobing.

While
I gawk at him, a tentacle unwinds from Zim’s PAK and wraps itself
around my slacking jaw tight until I cannot so much as lick my lips.

“You’re
not even worth enough to muzzle.”  He spits acid in his tone as he
vanishes from my immediate view… which is almost too bad.  I’ve never
had the chance to see my alien obsession naked before, and he looks
absolutely stunning.  All chiseled jade lines, slender torso, muscled in
all the right places, no unsightly veins. 

The chiseled torso under discussion:

?

Oh, fan fic authors.

I would kill to see this
again under the right circumstances.

… wait, why is he naked?

Suddenly, the ugly horse thing is put in perspective, isn’t it?

I’m
not naive.  If faced with my enemy at my mercy, I would do just the
same. 

You’d turn them into a horse and fuck them?

We don’t spare each other so easily… but at what point does the
game go too far?

The point where you start fucking horses. Without question.

He’s pressing up against me, dusting my tail out of the way so that he can cup my ass cheeks firmly in both hands.

“It’s
too bad I don’t get to hear you squeal,”  He cackles, much too pleased
with his victory.  I grunt as I’m squeezed and groped before both (still
gloved) palms veer off in different directions.  One set of digits
slides down between my haunches to curl around the dangling, dark blue
sheath; the other set coasts around a resolutely no-entry zone.

A
single, tapered claw circles the exposed ring of muscle until it closes
in and slips through with little resistance.  “Ooh, Dib-thing, you’re
so wet.” 

?

The description of Dib’s horse anus as lubricated — and more important, that his wet horse anus is somehow supposed to be arousing — is worthy of a Toht, I feel.

Encouraged by this discovery, he pops another finger
through and swirls them around the tight passage.  “Is this how ponies
like to play?”

Yes. That’s why I constantly see horses hoofing each other in the ass when I go home to Kentucky.

All I can do is whimper, and it sounds
awfully horse-like, as humiliation burns through my body from the point
of intrusion.  The metal tentacles are pulled taut so that I can only
stand there and wait it out.  The worst part about this is how painless
the alien’s fingers feel, the elasticity of my changed form allowing Zim
to pump them in and out and make me tingle.

The very
persistent handling of my cock does wonders for distracting me from the
sting of my situation, and it’s not long at all before the weight of my
dick increases, thickening and hardening as it extends in Zim’s
bizarrely capable hand.

I don’t remember being this well-endowed…

The
strangeness only amplifies when something begins to squirm and poke at
my anus, feeling distinctly like a bloated worm.  I jerk my head in
alarm to make sure I’m not being invaded by a centipede and realize that
that worm is Zim’s dick.

Dib, I understand this is an erotic fan fic where you’ve been turned into a horse and are being fucked by an alien, so admittedly there’s not a real strong sense of realism here. But for fuck’s sake, how likely is it that a centipede would appear out of nowhere and suddenly flee into your ass? Don’t be stupid.

Whining my distress behind lips
clamped shut, I make one last ditch effort to squirm away which
succeeds in teasing the tip of the ridged shaft poised at my puckered
hole.  Zim coos at the friction and grinds up against my ass, his
feelers laying flat in aggressive arousal.

“What’s the matter,
Diiiib?  Don’t want to be ridden?”  He grabs up his tunic and twists it
like one would wring out their laundry, and loops it underneath my
belly to lift and pull like reins.  With this newfound support system,
Zim effortlessly reels me in until we collide, and his prodding cock
slicks my orifice up with excess fluids before tunneling itself in.  My
walls instantly grip him, spasming at the quick penetration, and Zim
unleashes a shrill cry at being so blissfully consumed.  The welcome
warmth and the delicious pressure threaten to undo him before he can
have a good session, and my frantic heartbeat surging with my confused
lust is delivering a deep pulsation that’s causing his member to throb.

?

That is a lot more description of a penis entering a horse’s anus than I’m comfortable reading, I admit.

“You
like this, don’t you?  You like being my fuckbeast?”  Zim jeered while
thrusting his hips at a leisurely pace, drinking in every moment of my
embarrassment.  The disgrace is sinking into every pore, and I can smell
it, even taste it.  Zim leans over me, cock buried to the hilt, twirls
my tail, tweaks my ears and nips at the mound of my rump.  Soon, with
his hand palming my penis to persuade me, I begin to rock into the
Irken’s unrelenting motion.

Either Dib is a very small pony or Zim is being played by Plastic-Man. Also, ZADR, I fucking hate you for forcing me to wonder how Zim could possibly be touching Dib’s ears while fucking him in the ass. Hate you so much.

“Good boy…”  He clicks his
tongue like one would to a horse, and instead of being infuriated I
neigh as best as I can in the pit of my throat.  The noise seems to
surprise us both because I tighten around him and he slams into me,
seemingly sent over the brink.  He drops his tunic, claps both hands
over my flanks and rams his cock repeatedly into my dripping hole.

Before
either of us can tell who’s riding who, Zim is ruthlessly hammering my
prostate and I am snorting, huffing and puffing with a wild abandon,
scraping my hooves across his floor–the curve of my ass nestled into
the dip of his pelvis where it would stay until Zim strikes home one
last time before erupting.  The hot rush of liquid jetting up against
sensitive glands so intensely it has me clenching and spurting all at
once.

Long after Zim has emptied himself completely into me, I am still saturating his floor.

That’ll show that goddamned kitchen tile!

I never wanted to know this much about horses.

But in terms of anal rape? Very informative!

—

Zim’s such a know-it-all.

Fucking a My Little Pony is not having sex with an equine proper.

?

Oh my god, Dib wasn’t just a horse, he was a My Little Pony? I thought it was just a figure of speech! God, this fic is more hideously depraved than I imagined. And by the way, in the grand list of ways to shame people, telling them “You didn’t a fuck a real horse” has to be somewhere near the bottom.

I have done extensive research on horses since our riding lesson and I’ll be damned if I let him get away with what he did.

What research? Type “should people fuck horses?” in Google. The answer is no. Done. Research over.

Sure, I’m back to my old self, but that doesn’t mean it’s over.

I spread out a shiny new bit and rein set over my bed and smile.

The fun is all in the training.

And Dib lives on to fuck Zim-Horse another day. Here’s hoping by the time this is posted, I’ll have seen enough awesomeness at SDCC to forget this nightmare. OH GOD WHY DID I SAY MARE